Citizen Erased Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 I’ve been sitting here for about an hour trying different ways of saying all of this. I’ll try again… To be simple, I am about half a bottle of vodka and a bunch of Valium away from a place I was a few years ago. I feel like I’m tied down to this place and whenever I see the tiniest hint of hope, it’s taken away from me. I know what I need to do, I’ve known for a long time what needs to be done, I want it so much I can almost taste it… I need to leave this place, these people. Nothing good is here for me. But I am terrified of making a mistake. I crave being alone, but when I think of coming home to an empty apartment far away from everyone and everything I know…sounds depressing and cold to me. I’ve just been really flat for the last couple of months. I had a massive fight with my boyfriend in August and was so close to leaving him, but he convinced me not to. The issue was of course me wanting to move the hell out of his parents house and he constantly stalling. He asked me to wait and we’d go together, but now he’s stalling again because of work reasons. Valid reasons they may be, but I am just tired of it all. Tired of not having a home, tired of his expectations of me and of not having a life of my own. I’m 21 and have done nothing with my life since I left school. I haven’t travelled, not even close to finishing my degree and I’m not even in love with the person that is holding me back from all of that. I am attached to him, dependant on him for many reasons, but I don’t love him. I’ve discussed this on here before but it’s never eaten at me like this before. He normally keeps me from going all nutso and depressive but now the ability to comfort me in any way has disappeared. I haven’t even remotely touched on what I wanted to say but you guys get the gist, I’m sad and tired, no-one understands blah blah etc etc.
Trialbyfire Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 C_E, don't...just don't. There's nothing to stop you from picking up and walking away. If what you've surrounded yourself with, makes you this unhappy, pick up and go. Just do it. Living alone is wonderful. It really is. You do what you want, when you want to do it. Right now, I'm highly, highly reluctant to give up this personal freedom for anyone. You're bright, fun and attractive. You've got your entire life before you. Time to let go of the past and walk into your future, the future you want to and can make.
johan Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 I don't think I have advice about what decision you should make. That will come from inside you somewhere. If you have any feelings of guilt over this, I'm not sure you should. I think you've proven that you're loyal and giving and live up to your commitments. You've sacrificed a lot of what you want in order to be there with him. You can only do that for so long, and the benefits have to outweigh the costs over time or else your resentment will build. He has to recognize what it's costing you, and he has to be mature enough to provide the benefits or to take on some of the costs himself. He may not be that mature yet. You were young when you got together with him, and you're young now. It won't surprise anyone to see you go through another series of changes. This all might be due to you changing and maturing right now. And each time that happens, your values will also change. What you wanted yesterday will not satisfy you tomorrow.
marlena Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 Sweetheart, Your fears are ungrounded. Your world is ripe with wonderful possibilities all there for you if only you pick yourself up right now and become the person you want to be. Strong,decisive,independent and a fighter. Never, ever let life kick you down for so long and never,ever allow yourself to be dependent on anyone else but yourself. You can do this. You have more power than you realize. Let go of your relationship if it is pulling you down so much. Rejoice in your aloneness and take pride in whatever small steps you make towards a fuller and happier life. The only person you need is yourself.
Nemo Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 That will come from inside you somewhere. I can relate to your confusion. There are at least three somewheres I can think of, but it can be so hard to choose when you want them all. Yes, you want it all, and you want it right now. I understand. Have patience, and keep yourself open to all possibilities. Even if it hurts in the short term, it might be the best thing for you in the long term. One thing you have is time. And, possibly, a cute butt. My advice is to find something you suck at, and keep practicing. Because life should be a challenge, and not a lump in your throat.
Kamille Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 There's so much still out there for you. You're 21, you're articulate, you have a great sense of humor, good looks and Johan's undying love and respect. The choice between the bottle of vodka and valliums or leaving a place that's bringing you down seems pretty simple: leave CE! You've got too much going for you. And also, love cannot grow in an environment where you feel stiffled. Perhaps you moving out on your own is just what your relationship needs.
Author Citizen Erased Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 Thanks everyone for responding. I have read them all, you're all very kind, just trying to enjoy my Sunday for the moment but I will respond.
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