Pushing my wife away... I've hurt her for 8 years

[Alliistah]

Hello,

 

I've been married for 9 years now, together for 11. We have two beautiful daughters ages 5 and 7. About a week ago I found that my wife has hit a point which caused me to "see" all the things that I haven't done for our family over the past 8 years. I was selfish for the past 8 years and put my own time in higher priority than my family. I would sit on the computer and be oblivious to what the family was doing. I was addicted to it. I could tell something was wrong in our marriage. She wasn't there emotionally during sex and things just started to die in that regard. I would always try and talk to her about it and she would always say "I don't know..". I'm a talker and I like to work things out. I feel that communication is the key and I have always felt like she has not communiated to me at the same level I communicate to her. We both come from broken families, this is her second marriage, this is my first. I do not want my children to go through a divorce like we did. I play games on the computer and my latest game is a MMORPG. Thats Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game. She liked to game too. I tried to get her into the game because I know she would have a good time with it and I thought it would bring us together.

 

She has been a stay at home Mom for the past 8 years. Social interaction has been a minimum for her. She decided she had enough of being over weight and lost about 25 pounds. She's feeling good about herself and has since started to listen to music around the house, etc. She sings and stuff with her portable music device. She says she wants to be the person she used to be long ago.

 

Since she started playing this game and has made a lot of new friends - a log of them male friends since more males play than females. She's latched on to it hard and plays it quite a bit. I found myself getting jealous because of all the attention she is getting. My jealous feeling have caused me to watch her closer and lurk over her when she plays. It is something that I struggle with because I am so afraid of her leaving. All of these changes have scared the hell out of me and made me see the light.

 

We talked last night and she finally said some things that she had not before. She said she still loves me. I believe her. She is not someone to say something she doesn't mean. She tells my Mom the same. She still says I love you when we hang up the phone if I call home when I'm out or at work. She does not turn away a kiss from me or a hug if I need it. She said that I am pushing her away with my insecure, lurking, crowding behavior. She said that she wants me to work on me, give her space, allow her to be happy, and do the things that I should just do around the house. She wants me to be confident. She says that at this point she is taking things one day at a time and being patient.

 

At first I was a real mess, I would break down often, and plead with her to know that I'm sorry and I've seen the light and will stop at nothing to change my ways. I've told her that I've very ashamed of what I've done and I don't intend on doing it ever again.

 

Since this crisis started a week ago, I have seen my doctor to get on some medication to help my nerves/anxiety. I have signed up to see a counselor/phycologist. I have also joined a gym and added my two daughters so that I can take them with me to give her additional space. I'm seeing things around the house and taking care of them now. I am planning events for the family so that we can spent time together as a family. She told me last night that I'm doing a bit too much as far as events. She feels like I'm trying to occupy all her time to get her away from the game.

 

If anyone has any questions I would be happy to answer them if I made something unclear.

 

I would love to hear from women in this regard -from what I've said about her and her current state, do you think that I've ruined it beyond repair? I don't mind hearing from males either, but I know that women have a special bond that us males cannot understand.

 

Thank you for listening,

 

-Alli

[oceangrl]

I don't think its as bad as you think. Its just an online game - shes not going to leave you for a stranger that she meets from an online game! Think about the age group too...many of those guys are probably teenagers or in their early 20s and since you've been married for 9 years, I'll assume you and your wife aren't teenagers right? So I wouldn't see the game as a threat, I think it'd be worse if she went out all night and didn't come home.

 

I think you responded well by joining the gym. Maybe that could be something you and your wife could do together? Instead of playing games, you can put that energy into yourself to gain even more confidence.

 

Something that really helped me with my anxiety is what he says at about control at 12:00/59:39

 

 

It helped me change my perspective, I hope that it'll help you too!

[norajane]

Of course it's not too late. Your wife is finally becoming herself again after being 'mommy' and 'wife'. She's probably excited to find that she is still a vibrant, interesting woman underneath all the responsibilities of being a wife, a homemaker, a mother.

 

Rejoice with her and enjoy her instead of being afraid of her self-renewal. It will benefit ALL of you if she is happy and content with herself and her life. It's a gain, not a loss.

[Alliistah]

I just hope that she can forgive me and see that I truly love her and will stop at nothing to start on the right track for our family. This is just so scary for me. I don't like hurting people and I've hurt the most important person in my life.

[EnigmaXOXO]

If I understand your post correctly, then the only social interaction your wife really has is behind the keyboard. It sounds as if the two of you have sorta switched places in that regard. As harmless as that may seem, TOO much time shut away from family and real life can cause just as much emotional disconnect and distancing as hanging out anywhere else away from your partner and home.

 

Is there any way the two of you could reach some agreement as to how much time should be spent online? This way, the two of you could try and break a few of your bad habits together and turn this whole thing back around. If that doesn’t work, then you can always cross your fingers and hope like heck the darn thing breaks down and neither one of you have the money to replace it.

[GPFan]

I would love to hear from women in this regard -from what I've said about her and her current state, do you think that I've ruined it beyond repair? I don't mind hearing from males either, but I know that women have a special bond that us males cannot understand.

No, It doesn't sound to be beyond repair as she is still communicating with you.

 

You may benefit from professional counselling however.

 

I wish both of you well and hope everything works out.

[Alliistah]

Hello.. I'd like to post an update on my situation.

 

Saturday we took our kids to a pumpkin patch where we got pumpkins, took a hay ride, and played with the kids in a small tunnel maze. We took video and stuff of the kids and took pictures as well. Since this whole ordeal has been going on she has been standoffish a bit which is understandable. Afterwords when we got home I asked her if she thought it was a good day.. She said yes and then we kissed. Longer this time. It was really nice. No open mouths or anything, just a few kisses that longered with our lips pressing together with our arms around each other. Then later I went and got a haircut and she said "just a bit off the top and get the wings off the sides cut off and have him fix the bottom a bit. Don't worry you'll look good." So I went and did that and then also picked up a replacement video card because she was having problems with her current one - it was giving her problems when she would play. I know that she wants me to allow her to play and wants me to also play the game. So when I did that, she asked how much it was. I didn't tell her and said "Please allow me to do this for you." She didn't say anything and again, I got a really nice long number of kisses like before. This was great. It really felt like we were turning the corner. This night I slept the best I have in the past week. I think I got more than 6 hours of sleep! Today was not a bad day at all, but it wasn't as "good" as yesterday. She is still just a bit standoffish and thats about it. We talk just fine but there is minimum affection from her. If I happen to kiss her she doesn't deny me. I think that I should not every try to do this and let her come to me. Any opinons on that from the women of the forum? I know this is going to just take some time but I wanted to see what the women of the forum thought about yesterday and about me initiating a kiss.

 

I do know one thing that my wife wants me to have is higher self confidence. I don't know how I'm going to get this - I thought about buying a couple of self help books to see if that got me on the right track. I -need- to be confident! I think this is a trait that is very attractive to her.

 

Also, I'm continuing doing things around the house as I see that they need doing. When I do this stuff I don't point it out to her. I'm also spending more time with the kids and I take them to the store when I can just to get them out of the house and give her some additional space/quiet time.

 

One question as well: Should I refrain from kissing her and just let her come to me until I'm sure that things are better?

 

Thanks for the previous posts everyone, it gave me some things to think about. I'll post more in a few days once I have something to report on.

 

Thanks again,

 

-Alli

[Alliistah]

I think this thread is turning out to be somewhat of a journal I guess.

 

We went to bed at the same time last night. She laid down and extended her arm/hand to me and I rolled to her and gave her a kiss goodnight. Since her arm was still extended I proceeded to lightly touch up/down her arm (she likes this) and I held her hand with my other hand. She quickly went to sleep.

 

She was planning on going to the store yesterday with the girls so she went up and took a shower. When she got out, she said "Hey, I have an idea.. Why don't you come with us and we can go to Walmart and then we can look at some Halloween decorations." I almost have always been against decorations in the past because they cost money and I didn't understand the value that it brought - making the kids happy and thus making her happy. Earlier last week I made sure she understood that I know this now and am open to holiday decorations. Once at the store, we didn't find any decorations and she wasn't feeling so good so we went home. We then played the game some more with some of our friends and we both had a good time. She said so afterwards.

 

This morning she was awake when I got out of the shower and had just started to play the game. She seemed happy and seemed happy to see me. She wasn't all excited but you know, it seemed like she felt it was nice to see me. She was talking about all this running around she had to do in the game. I have a character that can quickly take her to all these places in seconds so I took her around to a number of the places very quickly.

 

While I was waiting to take her to the next place I took care of the dishes in the sink and got her coffee ready to go in the event she wanted to make some. (It's a Senseo machine so I just turned in on, got a cup/spoon out and removed the old pods) So that way if she decides to have coffee, it'll be ready to rock and if not, the machine turns itself off in an hour and nothing is wasted.

 

After I got out of the shower and got dressed I wore one of the shirts that she picked out for me. She said I looked good in it and the color looks good on me. I had to go to work so before I logged out of the game, she gave me a kiss in-game (the character blows a kiss when you do this) and then she leaned back in her chair to give me a kiss before I walked out the door (we sit back to back in the same room when we play).

 

I'm making a big effort to not look at her screen and respect her privacy when she is playing. If she says something about looking at something, I ask "Do you want me to look?" just to make sure she knows that I'm not looking and I want to know if it's ok to take a look at her screen.

 

I think things are improving - I don't think she would be doing these things unless she felt better about the things that I've been doing. It is so important that I keep these things up and make habits out of all the things that I'm doing. It is my goal to win the heart of my wife again and have full intentions on keeping it once I accomplish this.

 

-Alli

[Alliistah]

Another thing that I did was that I made a rule for myself. I am not allowed to touch the computer until after the girls get to bed at 8pm. From the time I get home around 6:15pm until that time, I will be out in the room interacting with the family. If they're off doing their own thing, thats ok but I will not be on the computer during this time. I will be available out in the open. This will become one of my new habits.

[norajane]

Why just for the kids? Why not extend that no-computer time to 9 or 10pm and spend that hour or two with your wife when BOTH of you are not on the computer and are not dealing with the kids. It should be your 'couple' time.

 

Does a computer game really matter more than having a glass of wine and talking with your wife? Or having sex?!

 

Unplug the damned computer ALL evening and save it for paying bills, not playing games with other people.

[Alliistah]

Well, I would agree with you on that. But at this point she wants to play the game because she is having a lot of fun with it and she wants me to continue to play the game as well. I think that I will limit myself to this time to start and as I see that she is starting to not play as much, I will follow suit as well.

 

She likes to watch Heros, Survivor, and a couple other TV shows. I'm going to make an effort and watch these with her as she wanted me to in the past. I think right now this whole game thing is still new to her and she is still having a lot of fun with it. If I suggested that we sit together and watch TV, I would be the bad guy. I need to be very careful here that I don't make it look like I'm trying to remove her fun and be controlling in this regard.

 

I think that after she becomes more happy with the things that I'm doing she will spend less and less time with the computer. The past number of weeks have been a getaway for her and thats ok. She hasn't had social interaction for a long time and I haven't been there emotionally for her either. It will take time but I think we'll get back into a more balanced routine as each day passes.

 

Does that make sense?

[norajane]

It makes sense, but be very careful. If you see her spending more and more time on the game instead of less, you need to tell her that you've noticed she's spending x hours per day on the computer...which is exactly the same terrible thing you did to your marriage. BOTH of you need to work on this together. Transferring your addiction so it's now her addiction isn't going to help.

[Alliistah]

Hey, I hear ya. That is partially what I'm afraid of. I need to be really careful with this like you said. I need to make the environment such that this doesn't want to be her only entertainment. I'm working on it as hard as I can without making her angry. I want her to be happy and I think if I can do that she will not -need- to play the game as much.

 

-Alli

[Alliistah]

One thing my wife wants me to do is tell her about the great day I had when I come home from work. She wants me to be positive.

 

So last night when I got home from work she asked me how my day was and I said it was a great day. She said "Reeaaaally?" with a tone of skepticism. I said yeah and here is why.. I explained what I did at work and why I thought it was so cool. Everything was true. She asked me about my boss and that I said my boss was also happy with what I did. Maybe since this is typically not like me to be positive it will take some time for her to get used to. I think it was partially hard for her to swallow.

 

When I came home I made sure to not get on the computer until the kids were in bed. She likes to watch Heros so I watched the season premier to catch up. After that I played the game a bit and when I was online someone she was playing with invited me to play with them. I did. I'm wondering if I should resort to not playing a number of nights a week just to give her that space. This whole game thing where she needs her space and yet still wants me to play is pretty confusing.

 

Overall things last night were just ok but I didn't get any real signs this night that things are getting better like I had the previous couple of days. There was minimal affection and when she came to bed I didn't get any kind of affection either. All I got was the quick hug/kiss that I gave her when I went to bed. I'm guessing that there will be days like this and I just need to keep doing that I'm doing and slowly things will move in the right direction with some days feeling like no progress was made.

 

Does my assumption sound reasonable?

[Alliistah]

This morning I woke up at 4am again. I'm sure this will get better in time but I just couldn't get to sleep again. I do have nervous problems which are causing me to be more nervous than I should be.

 

My wife slept until I woke her up at 6:30 Am. This is the first time she slept in this late since this whole oredeal started. This tells me that she is relaxing a bit more and able to sleep better. I usually wake her up in the morning and I give her a hug and kiss as I lean over the bed. She seemed to be in a good mood from the start and as I hugged her she gave me some kisses on my neck as we hugged.

 

I need to be happy that these things are happening now and I need to just keep on the right track and don't ever regress back into what I was doing before. I need to remind myself that this will take some time for her to recover and for her to see that the changes I've made to my lifestyle are not temporary.

 

I spoke to my Mom this morning and she warned me to not give 100% of myself to her. Don't try and clean every surface of the house, don't pick up 100% of her tasks - because she said that I still need to give her the space and show her that I'm not over doing anything. For instance this morning I did not take care of the dishes in the sink like I had for a number of days previous. This is usually something that she does. I also did not get her coffee ready for her this morning either. I need to still do these things every now and then for her so she appreicates it and doesn't think that I've just taken over these tasks which could be seen as crowding her. Another point here is that if I give 100% of myself to her, there is no chase in the slightest - no challenge for her. I don't want to be perceived that I'm a complete pushover and am completely submissive to her every need. I don't want to make much of a challenge as she's already very tired of trying to get me to do the things that I'm doing but I don't want to look like I'm some lovesick puppy following her around all the time doing everything I can to try and make her happy.

 

One day at a time..

 

-Alli

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I think you need to stop talking to your Mom about this. Don't give 100% to your wife??? That's horrible advice.

 

You spent 8 years ignoring her, then she finally goes and finds a 'life' of her own and feels crowded by you now. Maybe you guys should unplug for a few months while you figure out if you even have a marriage in there.

[Alliistah]

I don't think it was. Theres no way I could give 100% of myself to her and sustain it. What I do for the family must be sustainable for the long term. I don't need to be going around the house cleaning every surface there is, cleaning every room, etc. If I do do that, it will be expected and if I can't sustain it that will be bad. I need to make changes that I can sustain for the long haul and not make her feel like I'm taking over everything. Shes told me in the past when I've done the dishes for a number of weeks in a row she kind of didn't like it. It was nice every now and then but she didn't want me taking those things away from her.

 

Does that make sense?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Maybe I misunderstood then. I thought she was saying don't give 100% of yourself to your wife, not don't do 100% of the housework. Big difference.

 

Why don't you and your wife sit down and work out a chore-split? That way you both know what you're responsible for, and neither of you feels the pressure to do it all.

 

But i don't believe for one minute that chores are the problem in your marriage. What are you going to do about the rest of it?

[Alliistah]

Well the first thing I need to do is flat out spend more time with my kids. She will see this and I need to trust in that. She has told me in the past that the way to her heart is through the kids. This is something that I need to do anyways and it is something that I want to give my kids regardless if she wanted me to or not. I want to be a good father for them and I want them to have a good impression of me for the rest of their lives.

 

Chores aren't really it - you're right. It was an irritant for her, but that wasn't it. I think the main thing is that I put the computer #1 in front of the kids and her. Now that I've seen the light, things have changed a bit since she is playing the game that I play and she is having SO much fun with it. She has told some of our friends online that she doesn't want me to quit - she wants me to play and play with her at times. She is having a lot of fun right now and I don't need to be the one that tries to take that away from her. Just like any other game she's played, it will slow down in time and she'll start doing other things once she gets to be a bit bored with it.

 

Until then I need to be supportive of her while she plays. I also need to make sure that I'm taking care of myself. Take care of myself like I was single and trying to attract a woman. I need to do this not for myself, but for my family. I don't mean I'm going to go all out and go looking for anyone.. I don't want that at all. I just need to take care of myself and make myself feel good and that alone will be attractive to her. I also need to not point things I've done out to her. She's smart - she will see it. Like I've cleaned my bathroom downstairs and it looks great. I heard her in there the other morning telling the cat "Wow Gussie, Daddy cleaned his bathroom and it looks really nice."

 

I also need to give her some space when she plays the game. If she's upstairs don't go up there and crowd her if she's up there folding clothes. I've gone up there to offer my help but thats not what she wants. She said just leave her along and allow her to have that time to herself.

 

I think she's just trying to really get some time to herself and not feel smothered at all by me or the kids. I've added my kids to my gym membership as well so on the days I go there when it's early I can take them with me and give her some additional time to herself.

 

I'm also going to see a Phsycologist on Thursdays starting this week. Shes a councelor/Phsycologist so I'm hoping that will help me quit a bit as well.

 

Another thing that I'm doing to help me deal with the emotions that I have for my father that wasn't ever there was that I got a shoebox and taped it shut with a small hole in the lid. I got a notebook and I'm writing all the bad things he's done to me down and telling him how much it has hurt me over the years. As I think of things I'm writing them down and putting them into the box. When I feel that I have got everything out about my father I'm going to take the box out and burn it and clean myself of all those emotions. I know this is going to be a big deal for my wife because she doesn't like it that I'm carrying all those emotions around with me. More importantly, I need to do this for myself. I can't have that stuff weighting me down emotionally. I need to do this for myself and my family.

 

If you have any other suggestions, if something wasn't clear, or if you have any other comments, please post back. I appreaciate everything I hear from you guys.

 

-Alli

[Alliistah]

I will say one other thing in regards to the game we play. As she starts to scale back, I will follow suit. I won't say anything, it will just happen as I see her spending less and less time, I'll just do the same thing she does.

[imagine]

Hey Al

 

Welcome to the light.

 

It is not wrong to be suspicious. We all are open to temptation. The right (or wrong rather) circumstances can be the brew that can corrupt a fine marriage. Which is why one places checks and balances into the program.

 

If you are suspicious, install a free keylogger. But what you really need to do is meet her needs.

 

Do your marriage a favour and google "marriage builders". Check the articles. Also check out "The five languages of love". You are lucky that you woke up now. Your family has been missing out. Welcome home husband and dad!

[Alliistah]

I'll take a look at those marriage builder articles. I actually have that book The Five Love Languages and I read it and asked my wife to read it. She really didn't want to. She tried but only got a couple chapters into it.

 

I think she's just so worn down and burnt out from raising kids while I was mentally and emotionally checked out that she just wants to concentrate on herself and try and do what makes herself happy. I think she had a hard time reading the book - giving even more that she had a hard time with it. She's given for the last 8 years and we all took advantage of that and didn't have a care about her needs. I can't blame her at all - 8 years is a long time and I couldn't have done what she has done.

 

I'm feeling better every day about our situation. She's still showing affection to me and I think the more calm and confident I get about myself the better off I'll be and I'll also be more attractive to her.

 

There is no way in hell I would install a keylogger on her machines. I don't suspect her of cheating or anything - it was just my own insecurities screwing with my thought process. She's a wonderful compassionate person and I feel pretty confident that she wouldn't do that to me. She is just having fun with having the social life in the game at this point. I think that if she was having an affair she wouldn't kiss me much or hug me like I've explained in her previous posts. She's not fake like that - she never has been in the near 12 years that we've been together.

[imagine]

Don't push her to read anything.

 

Just be a leader by example.

 

Hey. In a marriage there should be be no secrets. A keylogger is NOT an invasion of privacy. Its a tool to protect the marriage. The only time that privacy is relevant - is in confidential matters outside of the relationship. In which case, don't read it!

[highfive]

Hi Al, keep up the great work!

 

I can relate with everything you are going through.

 

My recent thread "distant husband" (now quite long) might help you:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t159665/

 

^5

[Alliistah]

Thanks ^5, I've read through your thread. There is indeed a lot of good information in there.

 

One thing that I'd like to say is the behavior that I see in my wife. It seems that if I offer to take care of something that seems to be bad. Like tonight when I got home she was coming outside to let the kids run around out front. Since I know she wants her alone time I offered that I could stay out with the kids if she wanted to go in. I got kind of a "look" and she said "I'm comfortable..". The look wasn't very pleasant and made me feel like I can't do anything right. I called my Mom and talked to her about it and she said that I'm probably just being over sensitive and just to keep doing the things I'm doing and keep up all the good work.

 

I'm thinking that if my wife is doing something, do NOT offer to do it for her. Just do stuff around the house if I see that it needs to be done. Like tonight, the dishes were still in the sink from this morning so after a while I just did them. I didn't do them when I walked in the door to make it look like I'm trying too hard, but I did take care of them a bit later after I sat down and watched the TV for a bit.

 

I know this is a lot of work an I fully intend on doing every bit of it. She and my family deserve it. I just need to be careful to make sure that what I'm doing is sustainable.

 

Any comments on this?

 

-Alli