JePam Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 I have never wanted to have kids, i just havent ever had that desire to have kids. My husband wants them but understands that i dont. But he has a child from a past relationship that his ex is keeping from him and its tearing him up. So my questions is, should i just have a baby with him to make him happy even though I dont want kids of my own?
Author JePam Posted October 11, 2008 Author Posted October 11, 2008 i honestly dont know. I want to make him happy but i dont want to do something that i dont want to do.
Sks Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 If you don't want kids, don't have them. They need to be wanted by both parents, a strong desire to produce and raise children must be present before one even thinks about the issue.
CoryCosmetics Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 i honestly dont know. I want to make him happy but i dont want to do something that i dont want to do. You have to decide whose happiness is more important,...yours or his. But most of all, whose UNhappiness and resentfulnes will likely cause future issues beteen you and your new family. I have never wanted kids and despite my current love, I would never sacrifice my (ultimately, "our") happiness to build someone up or "make" them happy. This is a lifelong decision, one that could ultimately lead to disent and/or divorce. You need to examine the situation further should you really be considering it. If not, you must decide how to progress with your relationship. You can't be responsible for making up for your husbands deficiencies/feelings from a past relationship.
Tony T Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 I have never wanted to have kids, i just havent ever had that desire to have kids. My husband wants them but understands that i dont. But he has a child from a past relationship that his ex is keeping from him and its tearing him up. So my questions is, should i just have a baby with him to make him happy even though I dont want kids of my own? NO! And give up the idea of trying to make other people happy. They are responsible for that. I sincerely hope you made it very clear to your husband that you didn't want kids BEFORE you got married. If you didn't, divorce him and let him go find a mama for his kid. You don't want that role and therefore would resent being in it.
anne1707 Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 MY husband and I both wanted children but it has not been possible. We also both know that his desire to have children was greater than mine. However our view has always been that the marriage should be all you need to make you happy before considering having children. It is not having children that will make a marriage work - if anything the pressures and demands of raising a young family will add to any problems that may exist already. Whilst I sometimes feel sadness at not having children, it does not make me unhappy. I have resolved myself to this issue and look upon it as something that therefore allows me to explore other opportunities that I may not be able to if I had children. I would not say whether life is better or worse, it is just different. I am not saying do or don't have children. That is your decision alone and for you to then dicsuss with your husband. But whatever you decide must be right for you. This decision will affect the rest of your life and I am sure from the love you show for your husband that you would only want to be in a position whereby you continue to love him and not resent him for a decision you felt you made just to make him happy. Just as you love him so would consider having his child, I am sure he loves you and would understand that you may not be able to do that. Take care of yourself
marlena Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 This is an issue that should have been discussed and resolved with your husband before you got married. Anyway, I'd say that whether you should decide to have kids or not despite your desire not to depends on how much you love your husband and how far you are willing to go,how much you are willing to sacrifice to make him happy. That being said, however, if the idea is completely distasteful to you, then, no, you shouldn't have them as children are a life -altering experience,a lifetime commitment, one that both partnrs should want and be ready for. More importantly, children should have parents who wanted to bring them into the world. I would give this a great deal of consideration as ultimately it could lead to deep-seated resentment and discord in your marriage. If you can not reach a common ground and this becomes a serious issue in your marriage,then, like another poster said, perhaps you both should consider parting ways.
Angel1111 Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 I really did not want children most of my life, but I had a child because I was reaching the age where I knew I had to make a decision one way or another. My husband wanted children really badly. Kids are a LOT of work but I can tell you that I have never regretted having my son, and I wish I had had more children. I wanted to have more but things didn't work out for that to happen. My son is now 18 and is a fabulous person. I am so proud of him and so happy about the 'family' part of my life that he gives me. I love the sounds of children, I love the sounds of him as a teen when his friends come over, I love all that stuff. Children are like an anchor, if that makes any sense. They make a house a home. I look forward to the day he gets married and has children of his own. Children are an incredible blessing because they add something to your life that nothing or no one else can. I think it depends on how much you don't want kids but just from my experience, I'm so glad I did. I think that you may regret not having children when you are older.
imagine Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 The deal was no kids. A deal is a deal! That said, I knew a lady who decidedly did NOT want kids. She was therefore a little surprised and dismayed when she found herself to be slightly pregnant. She liked the critter so much - she and hubby up and had another.
KismetGirl Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 That's a tough call. I've never met a person who had a child, planned or unplanned, and ended up wishing they hadn't had the kid, no matter how hard it was. I don't have kids, yet, but all I hear from those that do is that it is a kind of instantaneous love that they never expected that they've never felt about anyone in their entire lives, not comparable to love for parents, siblings, spouse or anyone else. If you truly have NO maternal feelings, if you have never picked up a cute baby and thought how nice it felt, maybe you aren't meant to be a mother. It's rare, but it happens. If the thought of carrying a baby and having this little person you made makes you want to gag instead of smile, maybe you aren't mom material. There are lots of women who arent big parent material and end up being somewhat distant from their children, which isn't fair either. Then again, my co-worker argued with her husband for years telling him she didn't want kids, then gave in and had one because he wanted one so much, and now her daughter is the love of her life. Who knows? I thin extreme feelings to either direction are easier to read (eg- you love kids, or the thought of giving birth and raising a kid makes you want to vomit), but the in-between feelings tend to be harder to discern. But this isn't really a decision anyone on this board can make for you. I hate to say it, but maybe if you hate the idea of kids that much, you should let your husband find someone else who is. Even if you did tell him before you got married that you didn't want kids, he might have just been hoping youd change your mind. If he really wants them that bad, and you don't, there's a good chance you end up getting divorced anyway, as this is a big area of life that generally needs agreement from both spouses. Good luck
seibert253 Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 I can't speak for others, but can only give you an example of my situation. When my wife and I got married, she was very expressive she did not want kids. I was ambliviant about it, so it was not big deal. Well, 8 years into our marriage (we) got pregnent. Our son is now the most precious thing we have. My wife is a wonderful mother who loves our son unconditionally. When our son arrived her whole outlook on children did a 180.
Lizzie60 Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 I have never wanted to have kids, i just havent ever had that desire to have kids. My husband wants them but understands that i dont. But he has a child from a past relationship that his ex is keeping from him and its tearing him up. So my questions is, should i just have a baby with him to make him happy even though I dont want kids of my own? Why would you do that? That's ridiculous.. if you don't want kids.. then don't have kids.. it's that simple.. Kids are forever.. your H isn't.. most likely you'll get a divorce with or without kids..
Citizen Erased Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 God no, do not do that. Did you not discuss this with each other before you married?
whichwayisup Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Why is he not allowed to see his child? Why is his ex adament about keeping the child away from him? Has he spoken to a lawyer and/or gone to court about this? No, you shouldn't have a child with him if you don't want or don't like kids.
Curmudgeon Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 I have never wanted to have kids, i just havent ever had that desire to have kids. My husband wants them but understands that i dont. But he has a child from a past relationship that his ex is keeping from him and its tearing him up. So my questions is, should i just have a baby with him to make him happy even though I dont want kids of my own? As a formerly divorced father of 5 whose ex alienated the two youngest and kept them from me, my response is a resounding, NO!
FotoGrl Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Ok, seriously???? Have either of you actually thought about the KID involved here? What kind of person has a kid they don't want just to make an SO happy?? Don't you think that's a little unfair to the human being you'd be creating and raising? .
Author JePam Posted October 15, 2008 Author Posted October 15, 2008 Why would you do that? That's ridiculous.. if you don't want kids.. then don't have kids.. it's that simple.. Kids are forever.. your H isn't.. most likely you'll get a divorce with or without kids.. Yeah thanks for that little light of positivness Lizzie.
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