AnonyMOUSE18 Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 Hello everyone!! :bunny: It's been a while, eh? A year since I last posted!! Does anyone remember me? *looks around* My old thread is too old to be replied to anymore, so I had to start a new one. My old one was called, "Recent Heartbreak: Will He Come Back?" and can be found here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=128133 So, my divorce was finalized in late May, and a few weeks ago my mom and I packed up the last of my Ex-H's stuff and sent it to him in CA. The year that passed since I last posted involved lots of positive things, but also a bunch of totally crazy, and perhaps unhealthy things. I've made some really close, fun friends in my department. I basically became a social hub - hosting parties frequently, and being the "glue" between different groups of people in my program. I was a total social butterfly, letting myself have a wonderful time with people as often as I could - bonding as much as possible with new friends. THAT has been fantastic. The other dimension of my social butterfly activities that is, perhaps, more bittersweet, is that I've also dated like a madwoman. In December I thought I had fallen in love with this guy, and it totally "activated" me. Something got lit up, and suddenly guys were asking me out left and right, and so many social / friend / romantic connections were being forged. Honestly, none of the dating experiences lasted longer than a few weeks - usually because I basically scared the **** out of the guy with my intensity. It was like I had been frozen, and then in December something triggered my heart, and I exploded, and have been on fire ever since. Looking back, I think all of those little relationships (each a unique, funny story!) were experiments, and likely could fall into the category of miniature, quirky little "rebound" relationships. I finally realized that my intensity attracts people, but I'm not fully healed enough to be able to look at someone new and give them my full, healed, open-hearted attention. I was still trying to replace my ex - in the sense that I wanted to heal the wound by finding a comparable relationship. I rushed things, in every single instance. I learned a lot, though, and I'm good friends with some of the guys I dated - but WOW. What a ridiculous roller coaster I've been on, in that department! Some of my close friends - and even my parents - can't keep all the guys straight, in terms of their names. It's pretty ridiculous. I think I was re-experiencing the cycle of pain, each time the new dating adventure would fall apart - I would cry, and suddenly be thinking of my ex-husband, and not even feel like I could remember the person I was supposedly all weepy over. It was like a throwback to the emotions of my ex leaving me - I was reliving them over and over again. School-wise, I've had moments of triumph, and also times of lag where I'm overcome with anxiety and feel unable to concentrate on my work. That happened a lot last year - the difficulty with concentration. I managed to do a pretty good job with school, but it definitely was warped by the emotional turmoil going on within me. It was a tough year, trying to rebuild my life, and figure out who I am. I've always been strong, independent, unique, and self-aware...my ex leaving threw a wrench in my whole idea of the world, and who I am in that world. I've emerged wiser, I think, but definitely also weathered and a bit worn from the process. Things are increasingly better, though. I can see that. THIS academic year, I'm teaching freshman writing, and it's WONDERFUL. I absolutely adore teaching, and it's causing me to devote so much time and energy to school that....I haven't really been dating! I think it's good. I'm proud of myself, for investing myself so deeply in my work during this new semester. I get inspired by teaching my students about American women poets and how to write persuasive essays - our discussions are totally exhilarating. I have an office in the library among my peers' offices, and we're constantly comparing notes about being new instructors. It's a great community, and I feel delighted to be where I'm at, in terms of the work I'm doing! Thank God that came together! On a possibly bad note, after December, I also began hanging out with people from the department that drink regularly and heavily. It was fun, and I got eased into drinking more and more. Summer was an orgy of drinking, grilling, and running around outside - which was totally fun, but I think it got carried away. I never used to be a big drinker, but now my relationship with alcohol has definitely begun to have a life of its own. I'm aware of it. I do think that often I have more fun when I'm in the pre-drinking social phase of the night, when we're all out to dinner and giggling. The buzz zone is also nice, but when I reach the super drunk phase, things get nuts. Things get said, bad judgments are made, etc! I'm trying to avoid getting too drunk, such that I feel bad the next day. (emotionally AND physically!) So, overall, the emotional fallout from my divorce came in waves. I still feel like I'm stumbling through some ash that is still falling from the sky, at times. I feel like I was running so hard, trying to "heal" as fast as possible and be "over it" and "happy" - but that on some level, time is a key ingredient. Rushing doesn't work. It's awesome to devote yourself to self-development, but healing also requires patience with yourself. Time is beginning to give me a sense of clarity. For example, I am absolutely positive that I do not want my ex-husband back. The idea now seems absurd, to me! I don't think about him that much, and sometimes mention him casually because it's a relevant part of my personal history. "Yeah, I've been to Lexington, Kentucky - my ex-in-laws lived there." That sort of thing. I'd be hard pressed to try to have a romantic thought about my ex-H, at this point. I feel fairly apathetic toward him - he just hasn't earned the right to occupy my time and energy, ya know? I used to say this, but now I actually feel it. What a relief. So, overall, does this sound good to you guys? Am I doing well? I think I really turned a corner recently - mainly because I'm teaching, and it has caused my motivation for my academic life to thrive. How is everybody? Any thoughts? It's been so long!! Now when I come to this forum, I head straight to the "dating" section, and then to the "health / wellness" one. The infidelity and divorce topics have sorta fallen off my radar. I've told the story so many times, now - it has solidified into something that happened to me. If affects me, but it's no longer my driving force. Does that make sense? It's like I lost control over the trajectory of my thoughts and feelings, during the upheaval of being left and going through the divorce....now I feel like I'm getting a grip on my own steering wheel, again. I just need to make sure I don't drive drunk - literally or metaphorically! Thanks for listening! Hugs, Hilarie
Nomad1 Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 Hey Hilarie - I totally hear you and can identify with many of the things you said. I am also going through crazy times of multiple relationships and not wanting to commit to any of the women I hang out with. I am reaching a point where I have to make serious decisions though. Don't beat yourself about having a crazy time in that department. It is natural to have lots of relationships post divorce. It serves its purpose. Live it up. Things will change in the direction you want them to. Glad to hear that your academic work is benefiting from your reconceptualisation of the situation. Take care. Nomad1
Author AnonyMOUSE18 Posted October 11, 2008 Author Posted October 11, 2008 Thanks, Nomad! My Aunt also went through a divorce, and had the same thing happen - lots of dating in the couple of years following the divorce. Thanks for your insights and support!! Hugs, Hilarie
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