jesumc Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 hi, i can't believe it's come to this...coming onto a forum to see if there's any chance in the world that this marriage can/should survive. i'm glad i found it though. some background info, including the superficial stuff as it does pertain to some of my marriage issues: i'm 32, same age as hubby, w/ two kids, 2 and 3. i work from home 28 hours a week so i can be w/ my kids. i make decent money...on par w/ my husband, so my husband definitely doesn't feel as though he needs to support me. actually, at the moment, i make more than he does (though he's never seemed upset by that). i was in good shape on our wedding day 4 years ago and after two kids a year apart am less than 10 pounds away from that weight and have no stretch marks. i'm very insecure w/ how i look but have always been told (though i never asked, people just think it's OK to say, though i'm not sure why) that i'm much better looking than my husband. again, i don't feel pretty so this isn't me being vain, i just want to note everything. dh finally got into a good field for employment, w/ my support every step of the way (though if i ever made a comment or suggestion i was told i wasn't being supportive). he does admit that i help him w/ his career. i've never nagged, asked him to make more money when it came to his job. last year he was a corrections officer, which got him into law enforcement but after working nights he became kinda mental...he was always mentally abusive to me after i got pregnant (fat pig, bad mother, disgusting, etc), but it got substantially worse after this job. now he's in the police academy, things have been a little better but i'm rarely ever shown any affection. i'm treated as though i'm disgusting to look at most of the time. we never have sex. since i got pregnant w/ my oldest 4 years ago, i can count on both hands how many times we've had sex. i didn't think much of it until after my second was born, because neither of us were really comfortable having sex when i was pregnant. i was really sick the first time and had been PG with twins but lost one at 3 months into PG. the miscarriage got me upset, but he wasn't really. he felt bad, but wanted to focus on the healthy baby. the second time wasn't much better, but again, it didn't bother me. but after the second, we didn't have sex for over a year, and then we went through a month or two where we did on a semi-consistent basis, but it's been over 6 months and we haven't had it. i've actually tried to initiate it...he acts as though i'm gross for wanting it. he actually snaps at me, annoyed. he barely likes to kiss me goodnight. we rarely sleep in the same bed, but part of that has to do w/ the fact that until recently he was working nights. i'm fairly certain he hasn't cheated on me...i'm not being delusional, i almost wish he would so i could move on faster. he's gotten very thin the past year or so, to the point people ask if he's sick. he's been depressed and even admitted to me that he should probably see a doctor. i've tried to get him help but he never does anything about it. he's always been high strung, but he's become almost impossible to live with. he's nitpicky, doesn't respect my job because he says i work from home so it shouldn't be a big deal and that i should be able to take care of everything on my own, house, kids, finances. i know the only reason i'm still in this marriage is because of the kids. i'm crying now as i write this because it just kills me. but i can't imagine not having my kids even one day a week if we were divorced. and i would never try to keep him away from his kids. i know that's not right. i just had surgery to remove a breast lump...a lump that we already knew was benign because of a biopsy prior to the surgery. but i was still nervous about having it out (the dr told me it was my decision...i'd either have it out or have to monitor it every 6 months just to be on the safe side in case it changed in size). i got no support from him. the day i came home from the surgery i was sore and out of it and on painkillers. i needed to sleep. he gave me an hour after he got home from work (my mom was w/ me while he was working) before he started snapping at me for being lazy and said that he didn't feel bad for me because the surgery was optional. i finally told him: i don't love you anymore. he started kissing my butt trying to make it up to me and said he knew he needed help blah blah blah. but now, a couple days later, i've been called fat a dozen times today, told i was a crazy nut for asking for a kiss goodnight.... i know, it probably sounds as though i'm crazy to be here still. or you might be thinking part of this is my fault and i'm just not saying it. i'm sure i've been a nag once in a while or cranky, but honestly, i've really tried to make this marriage work. even his family says its him and his brother actually got tears in his eyes when talking to me about how badly his brother treats me. his parents actually apologized to me. lately, and i'm sure part of it has to do w/ the state of my marriage, i've been thinking of the guy i dated before my husband. i thought i was going to marry the guy and he broke my heart (but not viciously...it just didn't work out at the time). we started talking after i started dating my future husband, but i stopped it because i felt it was wrong to talk to him since i could tell it would be hard to be just friends w/ the guy. i wanted to make my new relationship work. but i wonder sometimes what if i pursued the old relationship...i could kinda tell he was a interested in maybe getting back together, but i know that might not have worked out anyway. anyway, he's married w/ kids now so it's not like i want to try anything there. and it's been a decade, for god's sake, lol. but i do think about him more and more lately. i think it's just because i'm lonely. my dh has never had an issue w/ him, and again, this wasn't something that affected our marriage. anyway, sorry for rambling...it's just that i've never posted something like this and all my thoughts are all over the place. does anyone have any advice for me? is this marriage worth saving?
Gunny376 Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 Oh there's no doubt he needs help! It cost me a wife, a family,my children to see I needed help? But help from where? The VA? Hah! The job of the VA is to find reasons to deny your benefits and to disqualify you for Veterans benefits! The VA is a joke! All the VA is good for is a 6X3X3 hole in the ground to bury your happy azz in!
HotCarl Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 "he's been depressed and even admitted to me that he should probably see a doctor" Yeah, he sounds depressed all right. Seeing a doctor is the right move, only a doctor can diagnose this. The depression may come from a job, he may be predisposed to it, or maybe it is caused by medication he is taking. Only a doctor can find out for sure. Once he knows he is suffering from depression he and his doctor can take steps to resolve it. Or he can do nothing, let the marriage fall apart first, and then take care of it. Like I did.
Author jesumc Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 sorry, gunny, that the va hasn't been more helpful! are things better now? do you talk to your ex at all? hotcarl, thanks for the advice. i'm sorry you had to go through a lot of pain but i'm glad you got the help you needed. are you doing better? thanks again to both of you for your feedback.
Storyrider Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Any chance he is using drugs, esp. a stimulant, like cocaine? The sudden weight loss and irritability make me wonder.
HotCarl Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 "hotcarl, thanks for the advice. i'm sorry you had to go through a lot of pain but i'm glad you got the help you needed. are you doing better?" Yes I am. Things improved a lot after she took off. Did she cause my depression, irritability, asocialness, lethargy, weight loss, etc etc etc? Or was it caused by the allergy meds I had to take to be around her cats? About 3 months after our separation it turns out that one of my meds was linked to "suicide and depression". Whee. In any event, I'm drug free, cat free, wife free, and to tell you the truth I'm a hell of a lot better now.
Eve Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Gunny - I found your post highly insighful. Thanks for that. Seems as though you have been through a lot. Jesumc - It seems as though when you do tell your Husband how you feel he changes but this change is only temporal. Personally, I would move out and develop my own routine and allow him good access to the children. It seems to me that you simply are the mother of his children and as long as you fulfill this role he is happy for things to remain the same. I hope that you can work things out but please dont let this relationship destroy you as a person for one second longer.. Remember, you are teaching your children how others should treat them. They are taking in everything which is going on around them. This could have devastating effects when they are older. I would move in with Parents or siblings or a close friend for the time being. At least your children are young enough to adapt at this stage within their develpment. www.marriagebuilders.com has been mentioned here as being very good (by a long-term poster) I am unsure if this will work because of your Husbands lack of emotional presence. All in all, just be careful sweetheart. Your number one priority is to make sure that you are healthy and emotionally present for your children.
Author jesumc Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 hotcarl, glad you're doing better! eve, thanks for the advice and the web link. i understand what you're saying...my sisters say the same thing. leave while the kids are young and won't really know better. i feel like i'm abandoning him or that he will freak out once i leave. i left him once when we were just dating and he was an absolute mess. things improved for a while which is why we ended up getting married. but i'm not going to go back again. once i leave, i'm done. i try to explain to him how serious this is. it's like he just thinks i'll always be there. or maybe, he really just doesn't care about me anymore. i have to really start thinking about this more. tell him to get help, see how that goes if he takes it, and if he's still the same or doesn't go, i have to leave him.
imagine Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 www.marriagebuilders.com has been mentioned here as being very good (by a long-term poster) I am unsure if this will work because of your Husbands lack of emotional presence. All in all, just be careful sweetheart. Your number one priority is to make sure that you are healthy and emotionally present for your children. Please, please check this site out. You are shortchanging yourself if you don't.
3grlzmom Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Jes- I would agree with others that say he has a problem. As I was reading your post, I was thinking like Gunny. The Law Enforcement field is famous for either attracting or creating troubled husbands. Many times, they are driven to drugs like someone else said. Either of these could be effecting his sex drive as well. That would explain his inattentiveness in that area, and his limitations could lead to anger directed at you. All this being said, he needs help - and a lot of it. You cannot keep yourself and those children in such a volatile situation. Try to help him get started, but if he doesn't grab hold with both hands to that lifeline, you need to get away from it. I was married for 18 years, just trudging along thinking life was okay because my husband didn't hit me. He just made me feel worthless. Right now, you know the things he tells you and the way he makes you feel are not right. If you continue letting him treat you this way, you WILL start to believe it. Finally, NEVER EVER stay in it for the children. My 16 and 13 year olds constantly ask me why I waited so long. They were ready to leave long before I got out. Who knew? Good luck Sweetheart - just remember with young children, by putting yourself first you put them first. If you don't take of you - you can't take care of them.
pretty professional Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Do not buy the excuse that this behavior is from your hb being a corrections officer. On this board, the men who are abusive are always given excuses by other men (most likely they are abusive types themselves), then the woman is condescended to, like Gunny did "Wait it out, there are better days ahead" when he didn't solve the problem at all except just put up with the abuse and wait it out because "it will get better." Of course if it is a man posting that his wife is acting crazy to him, then he needs to leave the b**ch, pronto, no excuses for her behavior. Your husband is abusive and it probably will turn to physical. The only good advice is to leave your husband. It will be best for everyone and you are young and attractive and smart....leave him and find a better life for yourself and your kids. No sense in being put through hell with this man. He clearly doesn't love you.
Author jesumc Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 storyrider, i see what you're saying, but he's definitely not on drugs, at least not yet. sorry, i missed your comment the first time i responded to posts. imagine, i'll definitely take a look at the site. 3grlzmom, thanks for sharing your personal story. sounds as though you went through the same thing i'm going through now. i'm glad you were able to move on and i really appreciate your sharing your story w/ me and for your words of encouragement! pretty professional, thanks for the kind words for me, and i agree i can't let this continue...i need to leave while i'm still young if he can't make the effort, and i just don't see him making the effort.
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