I know what I have to do, but can't seem to move: I am becoming as depressed as he is

[pamt]

Hello

 

My name is Pam and I have been living with my bf for three years. The first year was like a dream come true, we both thought we had met our soul mate..(sound familiar?)Then, my bf went through some big life changes -- we moved 1000 miles back to our old hometown, and he had to change jobs after 10 years with the same company. He has two daughters by a previous marriage with a very nasty breakup and he is very close to them. After the big move, gradually at first but in the past 6 months very rapidly, he has gone into a serious decline. He says he hates everyone, he is constantly depressed, we haven't made love in about 5 months now. He says he has no desire to seek help or work things out. He stopped saying "i love you" or anything else even remotely romantic. I am not allowed to touch him AT ALL, not even an affectionate hug, or even a slight touch of his arm, most definitely not even a kiss!! He says it's him, not me, but he also says he doesn't care if I stay or go, although he believes I don't have "the balls" (his words) to leave. He is right, I want to leave very badly, I have full support of my family and even have someplace of my own to go. But when it comes right down to it, I am paralyzed. Why can't I just pack up all my things and go? I am seriously miserable, this is the "house of gloom and despair" now, and I am becoming as depressed as he is. Neither one of us are cheaters, so nothing like that has happened, but I find myself wishing for a sweet romantic boyfriend, then I get mad when I think that, because I am SUPPOSED to already HAVE a boyfriend! My friends and family all say, just go he is making you miserable, I totally agree -- please help me get the initiative to get up and go, I want out! He says things to bring down my self esteem all the time, like how I wouldn't be able to make it on my own, that I use him by living here because he pays all the major bills-but this is his house, he bought it in his name only, he didn't want me to be legally linked to anything of his. He asked me to marry him the first Christmas we were together, but after the big move, he said he will never marry me or anyone else again. He says he doesn't trust women, that he hates women, and he doesn't care about anyone else in the world except his kids. I know this sounds like a no-brainer, and I agree! But why can't I make the move, why am I so scared??? Thanks for listening, any advice would be hugely appreciated.

[Teri]

Hi Pam.

 

You've already figured out what you have to do, you just need the courage to do it. From what you've written the only thing the two of you share at this point is your address.

 

You stated that you've got a place to move to so my advice is for you to move on.

 

Your SO has already told you that he's got no intention of marrying you, that he doesn't need you, that he won't go and seek help for his depression and pretty much dared you by saying that you didn't have the balls to move on without him. You've already given him 3 years of your life and its eroded to this already. You do not have a relationship at this point.

 

My God girl get out and get out soon. This man does not deserve to have anyone in his life right now. He's busy wallowing in self pity or whatever and has shut you out. What more will it take to convince you?

 

Don't take his problems on as your's. Make plans to leave soon and walk out his door with your head high, your self esteem and your dignity. Find someone who's deserving of your time and your love. You deserve so much better.

[pamt]

An update on my story--

I moved out yesterday...he was very surprised, and seemed to take it very well, but I am devestated...I really hoped he would see how miserable I was and realize he wanted to work things out. That doesn't look like it is going to happen. I have to go back over there today to get the rest of my things, and I am really scared about how painful it's going to be. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I really hope I am doing the right thing, because I am in so much pain right now.

[Teri]

Hi Pam,

 

I'm happy that you mustered the courage to leave and I know your hurting yet but it should get a bit easier with each passing day. The first step always seems to be the hardest. Take the time to be good to yourself and to start healing. You don't have to make any major decisions with the rest of your life at the moment.

 

Keep reminding yourself that all things happen for a reason and that there is something better in store for you.

 

You will love again, keep your eyes, mind and most importantly your heart open. When the time is right it's going to happen. And someone is going to be very thankful that you came into his life.

[pamt]

Thanks for your words of encouragement Teri. It's a new day, and I am still of course upset, depressed and heartbroken, but I keep telling myself that it will all work out in the end. I didn't go back to get the rest of my things yet because his daughter came to visit (she is 11) and she was very upset and we did not want to add to that. I am staying at my parents house, even though I have an apartment to move into, I am terrified of being alone there right now. I am hoping that in a few days I will be ready to make that move into my own place. My fear of being alone is the very worst thing for me, it makes me want to run back to him, just so I feel "safe" and not alone. Any words of encouragement or advice right now would be a great help to me. Thanks very much

Pam

[Teri]

Hi Pam,

 

Keep your chin up girl, it's going to get better, just give it some time. You've been through so much in the last few years it's going to take awhile before you feel better.

 

Staying with your folks is probably a good idea right now if you don't want to be alone. It's wonderful that you delayed getting the rest of your things while his daughter was there, no need to drag her into this drama that should remain just between the adults in my opinion.

 

Old habits have a way of dying so slowly, don't give into that feeling that you're afraid of being alone and running back to him. What would that solve?? By your own admission you were alone when you were together. There is nothing more painful than a one sided relationship. No greater agony than loving someone who doesn't want to be loved. You can't change him or what has already happened, you can only learn from this and go on. Trust me what doesn't make you bitter can only make you better. You make that choice.

 

I think what happens to so many people is they get hung up on the way the relationship started and what used to be and can't see it for what it has become.

 

Take it one day at a time, hour by hour if necessary and start living the rest of your life. You'll know when you're ready to move into your own place. Keep yourself busy, call all your girlfiends and start having fun again, it sounds like it's been a long, long time since you've done something just for yourself, there is nothing wrong with that.

 

I wish you well and hope this goes as smooth as possible. Take care.

[jalexy]

pam, i think you are making the best possible choice of you life, that you could ever make. this dude is so mean to you and seemingly does not care about you or even himself. at this point, i would never go back to him. you will find that as weeks pass, being alone isnt so bad. you will find new things about yourself that you never knew you had. you will grow so much as a person. you go girl!