jesumc Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 hi, i can't believe it's come to this...coming onto a forum to see if there's any chance in the world that this marriage can/should survive. i'm glad i found it though. some background info, including the superficial stuff as it does pertain to some of my marriage issues: i'm 32, same age as hubby, w/ two kids, 2 and 3. i work from home 28 hours a week so i can be w/ my kids. i make decent money...on par w/ my husband, so my husband definitely doesn't feel as though he needs to support me. actually, at the moment, i make more than he does (though he's never seemed upset by that). i was in good shape on our wedding day 4 years ago and after two kids a year apart am less than 10 pounds away from that weight and have no stretch marks. i'm very insecure w/ how i look but have always been told (though i never asked, people just think it's OK to say, though i'm not sure why) that i'm much better looking than my husband. again, i don't feel pretty so this isn't me being vain, i just want to note everything. dh finally got into a good field for employment, w/ my support every step of the way (though if i ever made a comment or suggestion i was told i wasn't being supportive). he does admit that i help him w/ his career. i've never nagged, asked him to make more money when it came to his job. last year he was a corrections officer, which got him into law enforcement but after working nights he became kinda mental...he was always mentally abusive to me after i got pregnant (fat pig, bad mother, disgusting, etc), but it got substantially worse after this job. now he's in the police academy, things have been a little better but i'm rarely ever shown any affection. i'm treated as though i'm disgusting to look at most of the time. we never have sex. since i got pregnant w/ my oldest 4 years ago, i can count on both hands how many times we've had sex. i didn't think much of it until after my second was born, because neither of us were really comfortable having sex when i was pregnant. i was really sick the first time and had been PG with twins but lost one at 3 months into PG. the miscarriage got me upset, but he wasn't really. he felt bad, but wanted to focus on the healthy baby. the second time wasn't much better, but again, it didn't bother me. but after the second, we didn't have sex for over a year, and then we went through a month or two where we did on a semi-consistent basis, but it's been over 6 months and we haven't had it. i've actually tried to initiate it...he acts as though i'm gross for wanting it. he actually snaps at me, annoyed. he barely likes to kiss me goodnight. we rarely sleep in the same bed, but part of that has to do w/ the fact that until recently he was working nights. i'm fairly certain he hasn't cheated on me...i'm not being delusional, i almost wish he would so i could move on faster. he's gotten very thin the past year or so, to the point people ask if he's sick. he's been depressed and even admitted to me that he should probably see a doctor. i've tried to get him help but he never does anything about it. he's always been high strung, but he's become almost impossible to live with. he's nitpicky, doesn't respect my job because he says i work from home so it shouldn't be a big deal and that i should be able to take care of everything on my own, house, kids, finances. i know the only reason i'm still in this marriage is because of the kids. i'm crying now as i write this because it just kills me. but i can't imagine not having my kids even one day a week if we were divorced. and i would never try to keep him away from his kids. i know that's not right. i just had surgery to remove a breast lump...a lump that we already knew was benign because of a biopsy prior to the surgery. but i was still nervous about having it out (the dr told me it was my decision...i'd either have it out or have to monitor it every 6 months just to be on the safe side in case it changed in size). i got no support from him. the day i came home from the surgery i was sore and out of it and on painkillers. i needed to sleep. he gave me an hour after he got home from work (my mom was w/ me while he was working) before he started snapping at me for being lazy and said that he didn't feel bad for me because the surgery was optional. i finally told him: i don't love you anymore. he started kissing my butt trying to make it up to me and said he knew he needed help blah blah blah. but now, a couple days later, i've been called fat a dozen times today, told i was a crazy nut for asking for a kiss goodnight.... i know, it probably sounds as though i'm crazy to be here still. or you might be thinking part of this is my fault and i'm just not saying it. i'm sure i've been a nag once in a while or cranky, but honestly, i've really tried to make this marriage work. even his family says its him and his brother actually got tears in his eyes when talking to me about how badly his brother treats me. his parents actually apologized to me. lately, and i'm sure part of it has to do w/ the state of my marriage, i've been thinking of the guy i dated before my husband. i thought i was going to marry the guy and he broke my heart (but not viciously...it just didn't work out at the time). we started talking after i started dating my future husband, but i stopped it because i felt it was wrong to talk to him since i could tell it would be hard to be just friends w/ the guy. i wanted to make my new relationship work. but i wonder sometimes what if i pursued the old relationship...i could kinda tell he was a interested in maybe getting back together, but i know that might not have worked out anyway. anyway, he's married w/ kids now so it's not like i want to try anything there. and it's been a decade, for god's sake, lol. but i do think about him more and more lately. i think it's just because i'm lonely. my dh has never had an issue w/ him, and again, this wasn't something that affected our marriage. anyway, sorry for rambling...it's just that i've never posted something like this and all my thoughts are all over the place. does anyone have any advice for me? is this marriage worth saving?
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