Existential quandary/growing cynicism

[Ruby Slippers]

For all of my adult life, I have been told that I am a positive, magnetic, and very inspiring person. I have taken a lot of big risks to go after the things I love, lived in a few different countries just because I wanted to and had amazing experiences, initiated and seen through some wild and fun creative performances of several kinds, and seen positive results along the way.

 

I just broke up with someone a month ago, and it was my fourth serious relationship -- which didn't work out. After every breakup in the past, I felt that I would meet someone better suited for me in the future, and I remained positive and hopeful. And thus far, I believe this has been the case.

 

But I am starting to feel unmotivated and just kind of... flat about life. I was talking to a friend recently about "the meaning of life", blah blah blah, and she said, "Even in high school you were like this. Remember when you used to stay over and talk about your existentialist crises while we were falling asleep? 'What's the point of life? What's this all mean?!!'" I had to laugh, because I do remember that. We never really change, I guess.

 

I have always known how to find happiness no matter what was going on in my life. I know how to find the good in everything and everyone, and I live a creative, unique, and independent life, largely free of mainstream constraints and expectations. People seem to gravitate toward this.

 

But lately I seem to be losing steam, motivation. I am doing the "right" things -- eating well, exercising, starting to make friends again. But I don't have that boundless optimism and determination anymore, and I miss it!! Granted, part of it may be that my ex was a very cynical, "realistic" person, whereas I have always been an optimistic dreamer. He told me I was wearing rose-colored glasses and seemed to be working very hard to rip them off me! I am starting to realize that he had a lot of issues and was pretty negative at the core -- which is quite in opposition to how I was when we met. Maybe the relationship and his attitude wore me down and it's just going to take time to shake that off?

 

Is anyone else in this situation? Any advice on how to get my joie de vivre back? I liked the old me better.

[popey]

Ruby, parts of your self description reminded me of me, and parts of your description reminded me responding to my very recent ex. I too have been laughed at for a quest for self actualization starting around age 10 or so, and people gravitate to me.

 

My ex is well liked too, and we are both "life of the party" folks. But a big problem w/ my ex and me was that I am big on reality- motivated (i think) by the drive for understanding, meaning, self awareness. My ex was much more into the comfort and happiness that reality avoidance could provide.

 

So he dragged me down, b/c I felt we couldn't grow if he was redefining things to what made him feel happy rather than seeing them for what they are, and then figuring out what he needs to be happy in that reality. I was dragging him down, b/c I wouldn't let him have his false but happy world.

 

don't know if this is relevant or helpful, but these are the thoughts that came to me. I think me an my ex are feeling some of what you are feeling right now.

[norajane]

Serious relationship, you just broke up a month ago, and it sounds like he was a negative influence. You're probably expecting too much for such a short time since your break-up. It will probably take you a while to emotionally and intellectually process the break-up before you can get your spark back.

 

You will, though, given some time. And you'll feel refreshed and renewed.

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't believe that reality just is. I believe that to a large degree, you choose your reality. Or, perhaps more accurately, you interpret reality using your own personal lens or filter.

 

For instance, it is true that there are 24 hours in a day. Some people interpret that reality to mean that days are short and there's never enough time (focusing on the limitation). For most of my life, I have interpreted that to mean that every new day is a new opportunity to experience happiness, accomplish the goals that have meaning for you, and enjoy the day to the fullest (focusing on the inherent possibility).

 

My upbringing was highly unfavorable (alcoholic parent and more I don't want to get into), and this was beyond my control. So, I think I developed my personal filter as a survival tactic. I could look at my childhood as the sad and difficult experience it was, or I could rally my strength to overcome it and try to find the things of value in it that made me the strong and self-reliant person I am. Basically, I could mourn it and feel sorry for myself all my life, or I could rise above it and find my happiness instead. An easy choice.

 

The attitude stuck, and it has worked very well for me. I have always avoided abrasive lovers and friends, preferring to surround myself with more sensitive, caring, humanitarian people. My ex was the first truly harsh and abrasive man I had been with seriously. I think he hid a lot of his personality in the beginning to win me over -- and I also think he was somewhat dazzled by my optimism and positive attitude -- but the longer we were together, the more of his cynicism he allowed to show. So the effect was gradual and subtle.

 

I am a very sensitive person, and I'm starting to realize I'm more impressionable than I would like to be, especially when I really care about someone (like the ex). I suppose what I have to do is deprogram myself from the impact of his negative perspective.

[popey]

When i say reality avoidance, i don't mean optimism. Just saying there's a difference. an honest but random example:

 

I can say: my father is emotionally inept, but a good provider who loves me to his capacity. And then I can acknowledge this reality and then recognize that this has meaning about how i developed my personality, how I react, and how I understand people, and what I don't understand, etc. OR

 

I can say: my father was a good provider and loves me. that's great a thing (which it is) and that helped me become a great person (which it did), and that's all there is to ever know, think or say about that.

 

the former is reality without requiring that I forgo the optimism of the latter. The latter escapes the reality, and that stifles.

 

Not saying you do this. I don't know that at all. Just explaining what I meant.

[Ruby Slippers]

OK, thanks for clarifying. I don't think I avoid reality, personally. I just interpret it with a positive spin. I agree that what you described is problematic.

 

I have a history of being with men who tell me I'm fabulous in the beginning and then later become very naysaying about my goals (which admittedly are somewhat lofty at times). But I have a history of accomplishing these goals, and I have the determination to do it. Usually, they eventually admit they are jealous and threatened by my success, because they say things don't work out for them like that.

 

norajane, you're right. I think I am expecting myself to be immediately on top of my game again, and it's going to take more than a few weeks to get there. Thanks for the reminder.

 

I really think an individual's experience in the world comes down to attitude. Life is what you make it.

[marlena]

Cynicism comes with getting older as one becomes more disillusioned and dispirited. After I while, it seems that you've seen it all,done it all. This leads to a feeling of fultility.

 

If you are a strong person and a fighter, which you seem to be, this is a phase that comes and goes. Your recent break up is also a factor to consider. You are probably disappointed at yet another relationship gone down the drain. It's still very early to expect to bounce back on your feet but you will. How do I know? Well, even behind your negativity, I can sense you are a person with a strong will and a love of life.

 

Here's a suggestion for an immediate fix. I am not kidding. Go out and buy yourself a pair of rose-coloured glasses. The world en rose is absolutely stunning and your mood will pick up in no time. Seriously, my daughter bought me a pair this summer and there wasn't a blue day for months!!

[You'reasian]

I don't believe that reality just is. I believe that to a large degree, you choose your reality. Or, perhaps more accurately, you interpret reality using your own personal lens or filter.

 

For instance, it is true that there are 24 hours in a day. Some people interpret that reality to mean that days are short and there's never enough time (focusing on the limitation). For most of my life, I have interpreted that to mean that every new day is a new opportunity to experience happiness, accomplish the goals that have meaning for you, and enjoy the day to the fullest (focusing on the inherent possibility).

 

My upbringing was highly unfavorable (alcoholic parent and more I don't want to get into), and this was beyond my control. So, I think I developed my personal filter as a survival tactic. I could look at my childhood as the sad and difficult experience it was, or I could rally my strength to overcome it and try to find the things of value in it that made me the strong and self-reliant person I am. Basically, I could mourn it and feel sorry for myself all my life, or I could rise above it and find my happiness instead. An easy choice.

 

The attitude stuck, and it has worked very well for me. I have always avoided abrasive lovers and friends, preferring to surround myself with more sensitive, caring, humanitarian people. My ex was the first truly harsh and abrasive man I had been with seriously. I think he hid a lot of his personality in the beginning to win me over -- and I also think he was somewhat dazzled by my optimism and positive attitude -- but the longer we were together, the more of his cynicism he allowed to show. So the effect was gradual and subtle.

 

I am a very sensitive person, and I'm starting to realize I'm more impressionable than I would like to be, especially when I really care about someone (like the ex). I suppose what I have to do is deprogram myself from the impact of his negative perspective.

 

Perhaps your personalities conflicted?

 

Seeing that you are a go-getter used to very open minded, sensitive, caring and humanitarian men - you tend to communicate with them in that way, whereas being with someone say whose a soldier (don't know if this was the case) is going to be a bit of a different personality.

 

He's not going to want to deal with the expressive, sensitive, caring, humanitarian side - and trying to make him into this could only backfire.

 

If you were both type A-personalities with completely different belief systems and experiences, you are not going to get along.

 

Period.

[Ruby Slippers]

Happy talk, keep talkin' happy talk,

Talk about things you'd like to do.

You got to have a dream,

If you don't have a dream

How you gonna have a dream come true?

 

If you don't talk happy,

And you never have dream,

Then you'll never have a dream come true!

Yeah, I agree.

 

Have you seen Spiderman 3? It's not that great, but I am a sucker for superheroes, so I like it anyway. This black alien evil organism gets into his system and brings out his dark side. The black Spidey costume is very cool. I kind of feel like that's what my recently ended relationship did to me. Now I have all this cynical goo clinging to my insides that I have to exorcize.

 

He wasn't that bad -- just kind of a weirdo, IMO. But he did have a way of making fun of and tearing down my optimism and hopefulness. He seemed to enjoy smashing me in the face with the harshness of reality. Men always want to feel they're teaching you something or improving you somehow, and I guess that was his contribution.

 

I commented once that I think your lover should be one of the few people in your life who tries to shield you from that harshness. That comment really seemed to affect him, and he said he felt like he'd been getting it all wrong with his approach.

[Ruby Slippers]

Seeing that you are a go-getter used to very open minded, sensitive, caring and humanitarian men - you tend to communicate with them in that way, whereas being with someone say whose a soldier (don't know if this was the case) is going to be a bit of a different personality.

 

He's not going to want to deal with the expressive, sensitive, caring, humanitarian side - and trying to make him into this could only backfire.

 

If you were both type A-personalities with completely different belief systems and experiences, you are not going to get along.

 

Period.

He's a guitar player (and a ridiculously good one). I guess that says it all. lol

 

I do tend to attract men who are looking for someone to spice up their lives and inspire them to follow their passions. And I enjoy the role of adventure guide, so that usually works. The problem is those men usually don't have enough to offer me, and eventually they become threatened. It sucks. If I were a man, I would be viewed as a hero. And it's usually like that for a while, and then they start to feel threatened.

 

My recent ex was the first man I've been with who I felt could really hang with me. We are both assertive people who go after what we want. It was SO nice to finally be with a guy who knew how to get **** done and make things happen. I could just sit back and relax sometimes, for a change. Bliss!

 

So I was very surprised when he turned out to be threatened by me, too. He said he had always dreamed of being with a musician, but then he told me that I'm a better singer and songwriter than he will ever be, and this bothers him a lot. He said that's the one thing he's always kicked ass at, and I do it better. This admission came after a lot of critical and naysaying comments about my music. I said I didn't know if that was true, and pointed out that he kicks my ass at playing guitar, and many other things.

 

But, yeah, I guess what it boils down to that is that neither of us was willing to buckle to the other's worldview. We both believe in ourselves too much, I guess. I think we both tried really hard to adapt, but after a few days of it, we'd realize we weren't really being true to ourselves and get exhausted.

 

The struggle is over. I just have to redirect my energy to the places I want it to go now.

[Ruby Slippers]

I am feeling a little better the past couple of days. I've been exploring my new neighborhood (just moved within the city), getting together with friends, and starting to make new acquaintances. I'm doing a volunteer orientation later this week, and tomorrow I'm having a friend over for a home-cooked Italian meal (I LOVE to cook, and find it very therapeutic). I just got notice that I'm on the short list for a major and potentially very long-term business gig that I really want. (Wish me luck, please!) And I started working on a new song tonight! I'm kinda sorta starting to feel like myself again, and I like it.

[sunshinegirl]

Hi Ruby--

 

I could have written your original post! I too feel like I'm off my game, like I've lost something, an excitement, an optimism about the future. My current ex was my fourth major relationship too, and he was a rather cynical person himself. I think it rubbed off on me.

 

So yeah... I don't have a lot of advice, I'm kinda in there with you trying to swim my way back to solid ground where I recognize myself better and trust once again that good things are on the horizon.

[Ruby Slippers]

Hi Ruby--

 

I could have written your original post! I too feel like I'm off my game, like I've lost something, an excitement, an optimism about the future. My current ex was my fourth major relationship too, and he was a rather cynical person himself. I think it rubbed off on me.

 

So yeah... I don't have a lot of advice, I'm kinda in there with you trying to swim my way back to solid ground where I recognize myself better and trust once again that good things are on the horizon.

Hey, I remember you from the "boyfriend said something weird" thread. Sounds like we have a lot in common, and parallel things going on in our lives! I'd love to hear more about your situation.

 

Once the dust settled from the breakup, I pulled back my visits with the counselor I started seeing to help me wade through the crap with my ex, but after a month since our last session, I am going to see her tomorrow. I am definitely going to talk to her about gettin' my mojo back, and I will let you know what comes of that.

 

Lately I just feel cynical about men and my prospects for happiness with one. It seems that while most (or at least many) women are biologically engineered to be loyal and want to stick with one person for the long haul, many (or most?) men are not. So why bother? You meet a great guy and put your energy into building a good relationship, and then eventually he either gets lazy and complacent or starts to take you for granted and look for greener grass. I know I can meet attractive guys to have fun with, but right now I just feel like: why bother?

 

I have never had a shortage of male admirers, and after some reflection, I can say that I think I do feed off that energy. Part of me hates admitting that. But then I think I'm only human and we are wired to be inspired by attention and validation from the opposite sex. Even when I've been single in the past, I think the ever-present male interest has given me a kick, a reason to be on top of my game and show off. I think this is all happening on a subconscious level. I always just thought I was rockin' because I rocked. Presently, I am intentionally protecting myself and staying "off the market" because I just don't want to deal with men at all.

 

I think my loss of hope in men and the potential for true happiness in love is the source of my decreased mojo. I am trying to wrap my mind around the idea of a happy single existence, without considering a man's presence at all. I think human nature is working against me on this.

 

Maybe I just need time. I am working to be proactive about my goals and priorities right now, and doing pretty well at making progress. I'm telling myself that when my life is in the shape I really want it to be in, I will naturally attract a compatible, quality guy. And that I will be more discerning next time, rather than just jumping in despite some incompatibilities. But that cynical part is battling the hopeful part, and my sense of purpose, and working toward something meaningful, has diminished. Comfortable survival is the only thing I'm reliably maintaining at this point, but I want so much more than that. I know I have to work for it. It's not the ability to work hard that's suffering at the moment -- it's the drive.

[CommitmentPhobe]

I think I understand where you are right now. In transition periods like these, once the realisation has set in that certain things are no longer as meaningful as they once were the goals we once had naturally get replaced with other things. Going through that tranistion to find the new results in some unwanted but necessary growing pains.

 

Perhaps, after your breakup, being validated by the opposite sex isn't as high on your priority list anymore as it once was, and you're finding something else to replace it with. I don't know. I understand what you mean about the energy, and I find I don't need to feed off it as much these days, because whereas before it was almost a sole focus, other things are equally as important to me. Thus when encounters with the opposite sex come along, they're bonuses rather than fundamental to my happiness and energy.

 

Try not to be hard on yourself, naturally as a perfectionist you want to excel, but sometimes you just gotta ride out the rough times.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think I understand where you are right now. In transition periods like these, once the realisation has set in that certain things are no longer as meaningful as they once were the goals we once had naturally get replaced with other things. Going through that tranistion to find the new results in some unwanted but necessary growing pains.

That is a comforting thought. Thank you. I think that when I reach that new plane, I will feel a new sense of freedom. It must be a wonderful feeling to be TRULY happy on your own. I always thought that was the case for me -- I do not feel I have ever depended on anyone else for my happiness -- but, as I said, since there has always been interest and energy coming toward me, I am sure that has had its impact. Now I have consciously turned off that stream of incoming attention, and I am seeing how I do on my own. It's SCARY, but also exciting, and I'm curious to see what comes of it.

 

Try not to be hard on yourself, naturally as a perfectionist you want to excel, but sometimes you just gotta ride out the rough times.

Thank you for saying that! It really helps, and I need to hear it. I have always had such high expectations of myself, and sometimes it's hard for me to feel OK just being OK. I want to be amazing and unique and special and WOW. I feel the urgency to live life to the fullest and make it the best I can, RIGHT NOW. I need to internalize the idea that it's OK not to be that way 100% of the time.

 

I appreciate your comments.

[Ruby Slippers]

I talked to my counselor the other day, and she said a few things that were helpful. She said my mojo hasn't gone anywhere and I do need to ease up on myself and give myself permission to be inward-looking and self-reflective. She also said many, many people are going through tough times right now, with the economic crap and change of seasons. She said just about everyone she's talking to in therapy is kinda freaked and frozen, waiting to see how things develop in the world.

 

She said I shouldn't expect to be immediately fabulous and 100% productive right away. This is pretty duh, but I think I just needed to hear it. I felt much more at ease this weekend, just doing whatever I wanted to do, and I have spent many hours the last two days working on music again and recording, and it's sounding great. So, I think I'm gonna be OK.