My letter to him

[You'reasian]

hes never cheated on me..not once. Just moves on fast is all....

 

Then why are you still lingering over him? Focus on yourself, move forward - right?

[unknown815]

Then why are you still lingering over him? Focus on yourself' date=' move forward - right?[/quote']

 

I am trying to move forward. i have my good days and bad. Its very very difficult for me because as much as you guys would beg to differ, I know he does love me. I know that when we are good, we are great. I know that if he would get over his fears of commitment, we would have a beautiful life with each other. I am over the crying and locking myself up. I date and go about my business but it Kills me to think that If he wasn't hiding behind another women and instead taking time for just HIM, he would realize the bigger picture here. I cant help but always thinking, is this girl just a rebound? are they gonad work out? I know it sounds weird but even if he was ALONE and came to realize there is NO chance for him and I - i would totally let it go. I just feel like he CANT make that assessment while running to another women in a matter of TWO weeks. How could he possibly know how he really feels when he never stepped back from the situation to evaluate it by himself...I try and think in my head, "hmmm, 6 months tops for them two until he's crawling back as usual". Does anyone think they have a chance?

[Geishawhelk]

Thanks. Should i kill myself now or later??

 

Don't ever kill youself over a man. Nobody should ever kill themselves over something like this. That's wasted energy.

 

However, hopefully, I detect sarcasm....

Look.

I'm just telling you like it is.

Time you really concentrated on yourself and began to put yourself first.

He isn't, and he's not going to.

You should.

[Geishawhelk]

hes never cheated on me..not once.....

 

I believe this as much as I believe the world is flat.

If he's moved on fast before, and 'got involved' with other women I have no doubt whatsoever that something happened.

And let's put it this way. he's certainly involved with this other woman now.

And he says he's happy.

And he says he's not 'there' (with you) any more.

You honestly (in the kindest way possible) really need a Reality Check.

 

We've all told you to move on.

You're fighting it tooth and nail.

But until you do, this pain will still be there, you will still wait and hope, and hold out for the remote possibility that he'll come back....

 

If that's what you decide to do, that's your choice.

But everything you do now, everything you feel, every emotion you put yourself through now - it's all your choice.

He's told you it's over.

you choose to hope.

He's told you he's not there any more.

You choose to not believe it.

He's told you he's with this girl now.

You choose to doubt it.

 

I would just love you to choose to let it all go, and move on.....

[lofi_tokyo]

And let's put it this way. he's certainly involved with this other woman now.

And he says he's happy.

And he says he's not 'there' (with you) any more.

You honestly (in the kindest way possible) really need a Reality Check.

 

We've all told you to move on.

You're fighting it tooth and nail.

But until you do, this pain will still be there, you will still wait and hope, and hold out for the remote possibility that he'll come back....

 

If that's what you decide to do, that's your choice.

But everything you do now, everything you feel, every emotion you put yourself through now - it's all your choice.

He's told you it's over.

you choose to hope.

He's told you he's not there any more.

You choose to not believe it.

He's told you he's with this girl now.

You choose to doubt it.

 

I would just love you to choose to let it all go, and move on.....

 

You need to listen to Geishawalk, Unknown.

Save these basic sentences and reread them over and over if you have to and use them to move on.

 

You are not alone in how you feel, thats why were all here for you.

 

Hell, I hope even though its over. And I am definately doubt him and his current girlfriend (which he started dated a week after we broke up). But... then I remember the reality, I have to remind myself. It is OVER. He has MOVED ON.

 

You mentioned how when you and him are great, you're GREAT. You've seen how good you can be together, but hes just not ready for a commitment. Heres the thing - we all have had moments when were with someone and its GREAT. My ex and I had incredible moments together, sometimes its hard to imagine him ever having such great times with another girl. But the thing is... he will. He will. So will your ex. Hes afraid of commitment you say, and yet hes committed to this new girl, right now! Though they may not have been dating long, though they may or may not work out in the end, he is committed to her, if he wasn't, and he wanted to come back to you, he would.

 

Geisha is right, you're fighting the reality of your situation with tooth and nail, and you just need to stop. For your own sake. You need to choose to be happy. So come back to this thread, read what Geisha is telling you, and accept it, and be happy.

[fabulousgal]

He's told you it's over.

you choose to hope.

He's told you he's not there any more.

You choose to not believe it.

He's told you he's with this girl now.

You choose to doubt it.

 

I would just love you to choose to let it all go, and move on.....

 

 

I agree GW, but we all know the mind experiences very powerful "games" if you will...what if this, or what if that. Distraction, a focus on self improvement, as well as letting the process take its natural course is what is needed here. Cause it's not going to be overnight.

[Surfer Girl]

Sometimes we all are looking for any kind of hope... Analyzing the situation to our benefit... The concept... of this person realizing some where down the road... That the love they had will bring them back together... At times this is the only way I could move on... just thinking one day we will be back together... In fact it is was a way for me to detach and to hold onto him somewhere in the future...

 

What it helped me do is NC.... If I stay away... It will make him miss me more... he will want me back more.... I was doing all this in the hopes of reconcilliation...

 

As a result... what I learned by doing NC... is that I could move on and what we had at the time were beautiful memories that will never be taken away... And a sense of power... by being in contact I was punishing myself to painful abuse to myself... Today... whatever journey he needs to pursue is his..... I can see better that it was not always about the good times... but the issues that hurt and were just plain unacceptable...

 

Perhaps he will come back in 6 months... What will make it different... What will make him want to committ... Will you be walking on eggshells thinking he may leave again.... The rollercoaster ride is just inviting uneeded pain.... I have been thru it...

[unknown815]

Well thanks for all the Replys. My breaking contact with the letter caused a stir by all the responses i see. I am happy i sent it though. And to be honest, i wasn't that displeased with his response.

The near fact that he didn't call me "nuts" for sending and understood how i was feeling made me at least see that we have gotten past the hate and he somewhat still has a conscience.

 

I am not naive in any way. Like i said, I am not sitting around waiting on him and to be honest, the only way i would even take him back is if he came with a ring. (well at least that's what i like to tell myself) Its more him showing a little remorse for how he has been...but anyway, i am happy i made one last attempt in expressing my thoughts. I now know that i did all i can do to reconcile with him for hopes of a great future with our daughter. I have gone back to NC which is where i was and will stick to it only speaking STRICTLY in regards to our daughter.

 

he IM' d me today online and just said "hey, i wanted to tell you that i know how you feel but i dont know what to say at this time, maybe one day i will"..I wished him well and happiness and said that maybe staying away from each other is best after all. (although i don't really feel that way). Well that's how i plan to leave it. I even removed his name from my buddy list and blocked him so he cant see when I am online.

 

Nothing i can do, right? nope, have to keep living my life and i KNOW that i will find pure happiness eventually. My day shall come. He is the one missing out in the end with a beautiful person inside and out, a precious child and something great....

 

PS - everyone kept saying things about the new girl and how obviously he doesn't have commitment issues if he commits to her. Not like it matters, but i have NO clue the seriousness of their relationship. I have no clue how often they see each other or any details. What i do know is i have seen pics of her through a friend of a friend, and the girl is a frightening looking. I kid you not. I am not one to ever put down someone based on looks but i was SHOCKED! NO, I MEAN SHOOOOOCKED!! He's a good looking kid and i cant even see the attraction. ITS VERY STRANGE!!!!! just wanted to ad that

[stillafool]

 

he IM' d me today online and just said "hey, i wanted to tell you that i know how you feel but i dont know what to say at this time, maybe one day i will"..I wished him well and happiness and said that maybe staying away from each other is best after all. (although i don't really feel that way).

 

You shouldn't say things you don't mean because that is playing games. He was honest with you in what he said why not be honest too.

 

Nothing i can do, right? nope, have to keep living my life and i KNOW that i will find pure happiness eventually. My day shall come. He is the one missing out in the end with a beautiful person inside and out, a precious child and something great....

 

I hope you don't deprive him and your child of a relationship because she is still and will always be a special part of his life.

 

PS - everyone kept saying things about the new girl and how obviously he doesn't have commitment issues if he commits to her. Not like it matters, but i have NO clue the seriousness of their relationship. I have no clue how often they see each other or any details. What i do know is i have seen pics of her through a friend of a friend, and the girl is a frightening looking. I kid you not. I am not one to ever put down someone based on looks but i was SHOCKED! NO, I MEAN SHOOOOOCKED!! He's a good looking kid and i cant even see the attraction. ITS VERY STRANGE!!!!! just wanted to ad that

 

There's no need to say mean things about the new girl either because if she were that "frightening" he wouldn't be seeing her. You know what they say anyway - "it ain't the beauty that keeps them it's the booty".

[Geishawhelk]

.....everyone kept saying things about the new girl and how obviously he doesn't have commitment issues if he commits to her. Not like it matters, but i have NO clue the seriousness of their relationship. I have no clue how often they see each other or any details. What i do know is i have seen pics of her through a friend of a friend, and the girl is a frightening looking. I kid you not. I am not one to ever put down someone based on looks but i was SHOCKED! NO, I MEAN SHOOOOOCKED!! He's a good looking kid and i cant even see the attraction. ITS VERY STRANGE!!!!! just wanted to ad that

 

I'm A PETITE 4' 10" 8-stone (that's 112lbs to my American good buddies!) and my ex-h professed that he loved petite ladies, etc., etc., etc....

 

he's 6'4" and weighed 24-stone...(336lbs - rugby player gone to seed - cept he never played rugby!)

 

His current GF is 5'8", and weighs in at 18 stone (252lbs) has upper lip hair, and a front tooth missing.

She also snores like a pneumatic road drill.

I know this, because he told me so himself.

 

It's amazing how tastes change, isn't it?

[CherishG]

unknown815,

any updates? just checking in to see if ur okay...

haven't seen you post lately, just worried and can't pm u on here!

[unknown815]

unknown815,

any updates? just checking in to see if ur okay...

haven't seen you post lately, just worried and can't pm u on here!

 

No updates. Some days i feel ok and others i feel horrible..This week has been very bad for me. i feel very lonely especially right now. We have been talking a lot on instant messege but strictly about the baby. usually we don't do that as often as I'm allowing. its more of an excuse just to speak. We are getting along but i think i was doing better when we weren't talking at all. I feel so powerless and i think if i make myself disappear in a way, (only seeing / speaking when absolute necessary), I feel like i gain something back..I have read all the post and know all of the answers. I am pretty good at analizing the situation myself but this really doesn't help me at times feeling so low. I HATE that hes with this women and that there's NOTHING i can do. I WISH i could do something, anything for them to NOT be together. Its sounds ridiculous and i dont need the feedback that i need to "let go and there nothing i can do". ive heard it over and over.

For once i wish someone could tell me something that might actually help in getting this man to open his eyes. Yes, that's what i want. I know i am ok without him and will have my happy ending but i want him. Anyone have any plots that may work in getting me to open his eyes in any way. doing something, anything!!!???!!?

[Siciliana]

I know that if he would get over his fears of commitment, we would have a beautiful life with each other.

read what I am about to type a couple of times and then tomorrow... read it again, until it sets in your head.

 

You cannot treat him for how you want him to be; you must treat him for what he is.

 

He is a man that is with another woman.

He is happy with her because he is not acting as a man that wants you back.

My ex, the father of my child, who I divorced this past May, has completely changed his tune. He went from a selfish, lazy, immature boy, to a man who helps me care for the kids, is concerned for my happiness, is supportive of my education, and even pleasant to spend time with.

He doesn't say ONE word about getting back together. But, does he want to be with me?

YES, he does, and I know this because of his actions.

He comes over every night to have dinner with me and our daughter, he calls me every day, texts me every day telling me to have a nice day or asking how my day is going. He has our wedding picture on his dresser in his room. He hugs me and kisses my cheek every time he leaves. His actions speak louder than anything my ears could hear his lips say and I have made it clear to him there is no "us". We ARE divorced.

 

Do you understand what I am saying here... He is not throwing himself at you... he does not want you. He wants the new girl.

 

It is time for you to let him go.

[RainbowBlue]

God he sounds like so many men I know. "You run and find a fix for the moment and then reality always seems to come and bite you in the ass. " Thats my ex.

 

I actually liked the letter alot. And I would get it to him. You will knwo that you gave it your best shot. BUT only do give him that chance if you really want to live a life with him. Can you? How will you know if his behavioral patterns don't change. Why not just move on?

 

But as you said, there is more to this and only you and he know the dynamics of your relationships. My friends and family told me to ditch mine along time ago and I fought hard to save 'us' I do admit I questioned myself - was i being a needy fool? But now its over I take solace in the fact that I fought so hard, and I know that in my case, what we had was worth fighting for. But now too much time has gone and he has hurt me too much, there is no going back.

 

Good luck however you choose to go. You will be ok.

[unknown815]

God he sounds like so many men I know. "You run and find a fix for the moment and then reality always seems to come and bite you in the ass. " Thats my ex.

 

I actually liked the letter alot. And I would get it to him. You will knwo that you gave it your best shot. BUT only do give him that chance if you really want to live a life with him. Can you? How will you know if his behavioral patterns don't change. Why not just move on?

 

But as you said, there is more to this and only you and he know the dynamics of your relationships. My friends and family told me to ditch mine along time ago and I fought hard to save 'us' I do admit I questioned myself - was i being a needy fool? But now its over I take solace in the fact that I fought so hard, and I know that in my case, what we had was worth fighting for. But now too much time has gone and he has hurt me too much, there is no going back.

 

Good luck however you choose to go. You will be ok.

 

I sent the letter and nothing much came out of it. He didnt tell me "MOVE ON, WE'RE DONE" and wasd understanding about it. He said he wished he could be "there" but hes just not at this point in time. I tool that as, yes he loves me and if he wasnt such a commitment freak maybe he would come around. This makes me more upset. If he wasnt out with this girl occuping him time i feel that he would have a big reality check. I think that he would have more to think about the situation and would probbaly be begging like hes done in the past. I think that he feels if he comes back-it must be for good. Hes not ready for such a big step which is sacrafising our future. I am back to NC with him. i didnt make a big deal about his thoughts on the letter. I left it alone trying to salvage any self pride i have left. I like to believe that this girl he is seeing is eventually gonna want more. Like going to family parties, spending holidays together which are coming up and i feel that he will never be able to give this to her. If he wasnt ready with me, how could he be with her? hopefully this will send her running. I really hope this is the case. This way he can actually sort himself out - by himself!