Lizzie60 Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 Today I had a long conversation with a work colleague.. there is absolutely no chemistry on my part.. he's just a very nice guy... Anyway.. we were talking about marriage in general, he's been married for over 15 years I think.. and he said that a lot of men marry because they just want to settle down with a nice woman, who they also chose to be the mother of their kids.. He said that a lot of times, the woman is way more in love with her husband than the husband is with her and it's her that wants the big wedding and all the fla-flas.. he said, for a lot of men, weddings are only a waste of money. For him, marriage is more to 'shack up', split all the bills, get financially stable.. have kids, but most of all, have sex whenever he wants.. no need to do all the 'dating/courting sh*t'... He said he's not in love anymore but is fine with the monotony of the everyday life.. he said after so many years, you get used to it.. He said most of his guy friends has the same opinion about marriage.. Humm.. we talked about soo many aspects of the marriage.. It's not the first time that I hear something like that, I think his opinions reflect those of many men.. who, most of the time, if they think like him. are just too chicken to admit it.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 While I think there is some truth to what you say, don't you think there is a female version of that story also? I think that some men and women do marry to get out of the dating rat race and settle down. And just a small amount of time spent here at LS proves that many don't think of the long-term consequences of that decision... Mr. Lucky
fral945 Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 I agree with all that he said, even though I'm not married myself, I hang around with married guys. His view is fairly common among those guys, though it's mostly joked about and implied rather than spoken. Does any of what he told you really surprise you, though?
Author Lizzie60 Posted October 11, 2008 Author Posted October 11, 2008 While I think there is some truth to what you say, don't you think there is a female version of that story also? I think that some men and women do marry to get out of the dating rat race and settle down. And just a small amount of time spent here at LS proves that many don't think of the long-term consequences of that decision... Mr. Lucky I honestly think that most women DO marry because they are IN LOVE with their H.. I truly do.. but I think for men it's different.. they don't see things as romantically as women do. It becomes, in the end, friends with benefit$ for both partners..
Author Lizzie60 Posted October 11, 2008 Author Posted October 11, 2008 I agree with all that he said, even though I'm not married myself, I hang around with married guys. His view is fairly common among those guys, though it's mostly joked about and implied rather than spoken. Does any of what he told you really surprise you, though? Not really.. I've heard similar stories before.. but coming from him.. it surprised me a little bit.. he has this reputation of being the perfect husband, perfect dad, perfect everything. He is a great dad.. I have to admit.. he talks a lot about his kids.. for the rest I didn't know much about his personal life.
Sks Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 I don't see why that is so bad, its what I want in the future, I will love my wife but I don't expect it to be like I was during pre-marriage/younger times. A stable, fairly monotonous life is OK with me.
Author Lizzie60 Posted October 11, 2008 Author Posted October 11, 2008 I don't see why that is so bad, its what I want in the future, I will love my wife but I don't expect it to be like I was during pre-marriage/younger times. A stable, fairly monotonous life is OK with me. Fair enough.. at least you're being honest..
audrey_1 Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 Wow. Not in love anymore? That kinds sucks. I'm not sure I could just be "okay with the monotony." It sounds depressing. It's been nearly two years since breaking my engagement, and I still think I made the right decision, based on the reason I thought it would be monotonous and lack "something." I don't really see marriage as a means for financial stability, though I suppose it'd be nice to join financial forces with someone, but I see marriage more as a safe sex haven. I want to be in a committed relationship, with someone I love, where I can be as slutty as I want and not feel bad about it. And also just a companion I enjoy doing anything with.
fral945 Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 I honestly think that most women DO marry because they are IN LOVE with their H.. I truly do.. but I think for men it's different.. they don't see things as romantically as women do. There's no doubt. I guess romance might be nice, but when I think of being married (which I may be one day), that isn't exactly the first thing that pops in my head. It becomes, in the end, friends with benefit$ for both partners.. My married friends tell me the benefits decreased exponentially after the wedding ring was placed on the finger.
audrey_1 Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 There's no doubt. I guess romance might be nice, but when I think of being married (which I may be one day), that isn't exactly the first thing that pops in my head. So what is? Inquiring minds want to know. My married friends tell me the benefits decreased exponentially after the wedding ring was placed on the finger. I don't understand that! I would want to be so sexual with my husband!
fral945 Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 So what is? Inquiring minds want to know. Well, I'm not married, but sex is the first thing that comes to my mind with any woman I'm involved with. I can't imagine it would be any different being married. I don't understand that! I would want to be so sexual with my husband! Don't blame the messenger! I only report what I'm told. I hope they are lying, but I don't think they are.
malcom5 Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 After watching the complete and utter destruction of several marriages, I can only see marriage as nothing more than a trap. I saw what happened to my father, and both of my brothers. I will never, ever go through that. Besides, the only real reason to get married, imo, is to have children. And that's not even really necessary anymore. You don't need anyone or anything in this world to be happy. I just can't see myself depending on someone or something else for happiness. And yes, I know that every marriage and woman isn't the same, but after having witnessed the things I have, I can honestly say I don't think marriage is for me. Begging for sex, or permission to actually go do something on your own or with your friends. I just don't see the point, really. I mean, my brother's ex-wife, all she did was tear him down and just be a complete bitch whenever she felt like it. I just don't see why I'd subject myself to that possibility.
carhill Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 Thankfully, the OP included some as a qualifier. If that really describes any sort of generality of the male involvement in love and marriage, I truly feel sorry for them. They'll never know the breadth of life they're missing out on. Of course, they'll only feel the pain of the disruption of their routine when they get divorced, too, so I guess that's a good thing.
Author Lizzie60 Posted October 11, 2008 Author Posted October 11, 2008 Thankfully, the OP included some as a qualifier. If that really describes any sort of generality of the male involvement in love and marriage, I truly feel sorry for them. They'll never know the breadth of life they're missing out on. Of course, they'll only feel the pain of the disruption of their routine when they get divorced, too, so I guess that's a good thing. To be honest, I don't think this guy will ever divorce.. he's a family man.. his kids come first ... has he cheated..will he.. I think he would.. if he was sure he'd never get caught.
carhill Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 Think of the ocean...he's at one fathom Right there with the sharks...
popey Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 I'm with Audrey. I want the whole deal. Sure- it would be nice to share incomes and take turns picking up the dry cleaning, but those benefits could be gained by taking a roommate. I want someone who inspires me and is inspired by me in lots of ways, certainly sex included.
quankanne Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 cannot remember for the life of me where I heard this: A woman marries to a specific person for love, while a man marries whomever he's with at the time he realizes, 'Hey, maybe it's time I get married.' that's not to say all men think this way, but I think there's more than a little bit of truth to it, since men are usually the ones to drag their feet when it comes to that kind of commitment, and women grow up dreaming that someday their prince will come!
Touche Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 This kind of thread always saddens me for the women who start it. I actually never thought I'd get married again. I was convinced I never would. My H convinced me that we'd make it and that I should get married again. That we should marry. Well, we did get married. And now, 14 years since we met I don't regret it. I value our family and our life together. I'm proud to say that our 12 year old son has a mother and a father who are married to each other and are happy. It saddens me (and sickens me a bit:sick:) when I have to explain to him that some of his friends come from broken homes or that some of his friends come from parents who were never even married. Sorry, just being honest. We have certain values we maintain. And I make no apologies for that. Getting back on topic, that's sad about those men. My H and I don't take what we have for granted at all. We often take time out to assess where we are and what we mean to each other. We've not been perfect toward each other. Who is? We've had our ups and downs. But we're still extremely sexually attracted toward each other. And neither one of us has had an affair. Never will. Never have. It's sad that some can't fathom the fact that two people can still have passion and love after many, many years.
Angel1111 Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 As I've said recently - mostly because I'm incredibly pissed off right now - men are mostly cold and calculating. Feelings don't really have that much importance to them. About the only time they put any importance on them is when they're broke or alone - then suddenly love and emotions take precidence over everything else.
popey Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 As I've said recently - mostly because I'm incredibly pissed off right now - men are mostly cold and calculating. Feelings don't really have that much importance to them. About the only time they put any importance on them is when they're broke or alone - then suddenly love and emotions take precidence over everything else. It is true that alot of people are like this. I honestly think more men than women. But I know men who I have never been sexual or romantic with, who have been my friends for years.... talked about their feelings and relationships; and they are not what you described. They feel, care, want and get hurt just like we do. What they think about marriage? they want what we want, but i do think they are much more conditioned to think they shouldn't have to try or make changes. It's like they are supposed to be super satisfying "as is", and if they do make a change the stereotype is that they should begrudge it... ugh- wife.. blah blah.
Tony T Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 Nearly 100 percent of men would jump at the chance to be married, to have someone to love, to have someone to share with, etc., IF there was a guarantee that the relationship wouldn't change dramatically over time. I'd say there are a great many men who are terrified of marriage because there is no way of predicting how a mate will see them later on. People have a way of growing apart, falling out of love...despite all efforts to keep that from happening. Of course, when things go south it affects the man's pocketbook as well. Most men don't mind taking good care of an ex...BUT there's also no way of knowing, in advance of marriage, if this woman you are madly in love with will one day hire a power attorney (and have you pay for him) and take you to the financial cleaners and rub your butt all over the expressway. I don't think mother nature wants men to give the above so much consideration. That's why it's so much better to get married when you're young and not inclined to give it so much thought.
pretty professional Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 You can't predict whether your husband will have an affair on you or not, and you may not even know if he has.
Touche Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 Nearly 100 percent of men would jump at the chance to be married, to have someone to love, to have someone to share with, etc., IF there was a guarantee that the relationship wouldn't change dramatically over time. I'd say there are a great many men who are terrified of marriage because there is no way of predicting how a mate will see them later on. People have a way of growing apart, falling out of love...despite all efforts to keep that from happening. Of course, when things go south it affects the man's pocketbook as well. Most men don't mind taking good care of an ex...BUT there's also no way of knowing, in advance of marriage, if this woman you are madly in love with will one day hire a power attorney (and have you pay for him) and take you to the financial cleaners and rub your butt all over the expressway. I don't think mother nature wants men to give the above so much consideration. That's why it's so much better to get married when you're young and not inclined to give it so much thought. Ridiculous. Especially that last part. Wow. If you're not wise enough to know what kind of woman you're marrying then you deserve to be taken to the cleaners. My ex had a lot of assets. I left with nothing more than what I came in with. I wanted nothing nor did I expect anything. Guess he felt guilty and offered to replace the tires on my car in the end! I said, no of course. I also signed off on all the property that he put in both our names after we got married. I was in it for love...not money. I left with what I had and nothing more. I thought it only fair. Seems that you need to be wiser about the women you involve yourself with. As for this: Nearly 100 percent of men would jump at the chance to be married, to have someone to love, to have someone to share with, etc., IF there was a guarantee that the relationship wouldn't change dramatically over time. There ARE no guarantees on either side. You don't think the above applies to women? It sure does, honey. It's a matter of having your wits about you and being SMART. Knowing when to let down your guard and knowing when to leave it up...something not many of us are capable of doing. I hate seeing this kind of cynicism. It saddens me, as I've said. I see this a lot on LS. This is the one attitude I wish I could change as far as our members go. I know what I say means nothing though. No one will listen and believe me when I say that you CAN have it all if you expect it all. If you really give it YOUR all and have much to give, why shouldn't you expect everything in return? Why shouldn't you expect to be loved and cherished and respected? Look at how your intended treats others. Look at their financial situation (yep, it matters.) Look at how they talk about their exes, their friends and their family. Be smart, be wise. Expect better. Keep your eyes open.
Dominique Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 Ridiculous. Especially that last part. Wow. If you're not wise enough to know what kind of woman you're marrying then you deserve to be taken to the cleaners. My ex had a lot of assets. I left with nothing more than what I came in with. I wanted nothing nor did I expect anything. Guess he felt guilty and offered to replace the tires on my car in the end! I said, no of course. I also signed off on all the property that he put in both our names after we got married. I was in it for love...not money. I left with what I had and nothing more. I thought it only fair. Seems that you need to be wiser about the women you involve yourself with. As for this: There ARE no guarantees on either side. You don't think the above applies to women? It sure does, honey. It's a matter of having your wits about you and being SMART. Knowing when to let down your guard and knowing when to leave it up...something not many of us are capable of doing. I hate seeing this kind of cynicism. It saddens me, as I've said. I see this a lot on LS. This is the one attitude I wish I could change as far as our members go. I know what I say means nothing though. No one will listen and believe me when I say that you CAN have it all if you expect it all. If you really give it YOUR all and have much to give, why shouldn't you expect everything in return? Why shouldn't you expect to be loved and cherished and respected? Look at how your intended treats others. Look at their financial situation (yep, it matters.) Look at how they talk about their exes, their friends and their family. Be smart, be wise. Expect better. Keep your eyes open. Touche, You sound like a class act. I think you have strong respect for men and you realize that great marriages are not only founded on strong personal attraction (on many levels) but on emotional maturity. And in response to Tony's post, getting married young is to my mind the absolute worst thing one can do. Men feeling stressed out and overwhelmed, girl-women thinking they did not do enough with their independent lives....Quite frankly, I believe that no man should marry before he is 40, even 45. A woman, mid thirties. Yes of course it is all relative and I know there are great exceptions. But time and time again I feel the too-young marriages are the ones that make the partners very old and resentful very fast Like Audrey and others here, I believe in romantic marriage very strongly. I have seen great couples, I have heard of them. I don't want to marry because "it's time and the thing to do" but because of the adventure across life with a partner who is my closest ally and my sexual thralldom. Nowhere is it written that life has to become "monotonous". I find that people who resign to that are usually boring and uncreative in their own single, individual lives. I have been hurt, I also know what it is to be deeply in love. Whatever the problems in my personal life I have no jaded attitudes towards men. I could not live without them. I am the first to say that I "need" men. I love their masculinity, intellect, humor, discipline, ambition, desire, dreams. I know they are difficult, even dangerous at times. They have it not much easier with our side of nature either. But I absolutely believe great partnership is possible. It is all about attitude, outlook, personality... DOM
Touche Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 Touche, You sound like a class act. I think you have strong respect for men and you realize that great marriages are not only founded on strong personal attraction (on many levels) but on emotional maturity. And in response to Tony's post, getting married young is to my mind the absolute worst thing one can do. Men feeling stressed out and overwhelmed, girl-women thinking they did not do enough with their independent lives....Quite frankly, I believe that no man should marry before he is 40, even 45. A woman, mid thirties. Yes of course it is all relative and I know there are great exceptions. But time and time again I feel the too-young marriages are the ones that make the partners very old and resentful very fast Like Audrey and others here, I believe in romantic marriage very strongly. I have seen great couples, I have heard of them. I don't want to marry because "it's time and the thing to do" but because of the adventure across life with a partner who is my closest ally and my sexual thralldom. Nowhere is it written that life has to become "monotonous". I find that people who resign to that are usually boring and uncreative in their own single, individual lives. I have been hurt, I also know what it is to be deeply in love. Whatever the problems in my personal life I have no jaded attitudes towards men. I could not live without them. I am the first to say that I "need" men. I love their masculinity, intellect, humor, discipline, ambition, desire, dreams. I know they are difficult, even dangerous at times. They have it not much easier with our side of nature either. But I absolutely believe great partnership is possible. It is all about attitude, outlook, personality... DOM Wow, Dominique. Thank you. I don't even know what to say. I know we'll get bashed for what you've said above. No man should get married when they're under about 40. I agree. No woman should marry when they're under about mid-30's. I must agree with that. For you to admit that you "need" a man is HUGE. I know from experience that women who can't get along with men (or women for that matter) will always point the finger and tell you that you can't get along without a man. That you're dependent. Right? I've encountered these women all my life. They're always the kind of women who generally not only can't get along with men, but, as I've said, they have trouble getting along with women as well. The other sad part about these women is that they absolutely will not be able to connect with men who are good for them. They will only want to connect with those who they think are "better" than them. Or the "bad boys." And/Or the ones who aren't available to them. And watch out for the men who snore! They're just simply not worthy of these women. Anywho, DOM, you will find your man. No doubt about it. I only wish more women (and men) had your attitude.
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