In Like Flynn Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 The only boundaries tht will work for you is work only!!! If he talks to you about anything else....you say nothing just walk away in mid-sentence. This latest episode demonstrates that you falsely believe that you have moved on and can at least be civil with him. Note this about OM....when they have any contact visual or other they will always have sexual flashbacks and are undressing you even as you are speaking. He came on to you because he has no respect for you....he thinks you are still the person you were when you two were screwing each others brains out. I guarantee he grabs himself everytime he sees you and laughs about your poor husband sitting at home while you two did the deed all those times. There is no civil relating to each other....just work and only until you get another job.
Lizzie60 Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 Geishawhelk I know you are right and that is what I am going to have to try and do. Something else I have to deal with is my trying to figure out why the ex-OM continues to behave the way he does. I have always over-analysed situations and I know it is happening here because I just cannot understand why he treats me the way he does and never will. After all, if he cannot face what he is doing and admit that he continues to do this then he will never provide an explanation. Whatever the reason, it is unfair and wrong. It shows that he either does not care or does not know what he really wants and I have had enough of those games. It is time to concentrate on my H and our marriage. I really don't get it.. (bold part).. who cares why he behaves like this.. if you totally ignores him you won't have to confront him about anything cause you won't SEE anything.. You seem to obsess about his explanations.. the truth is HE DOESN'T owe you any explanations.. like WWIU.. you cannot control what he says or thinks.. get that? From what I read, so far, WWIU is right.. but you keep defending yourself.. the solution is SO SIMPLE.. but methink you like the 'attention' and you still feel something for the exOM.. you just don't want to admit it.. 1
Author anne1707 Posted October 11, 2008 Author Posted October 11, 2008 Anne, Anne, Anne, How many times are you going to read what people write to you and continue to make the wrong decisions. It's like you look at a rack of right decisons and a rack of wrong decisions and say: I'll take that wrong decisons on the top rack. You've got to learn boundaries..especially if you are not going to quit your job. You say: I'm going to work on h and my marriage..well we thought you were already doing that. I am glad for your sake, that you have a patient and very forgiving H I do get it and understand what I need to do. Since things kicked off a couple of weeks ago, I have not said anything to the ex-OM about us - I have tried to keep it all purely as colleagues. I made a mistake today but I am learning and will not repeat today. I will get through this and do whatever it takes to make my husband happy.
whichwayisup Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 One more (big) thing - STOP TRYING to figure him out. Or why he does what he does. It shouldn't matter, so don't waste ANY energy giving the exOM your thoughts.
whichwayisup Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 do whatever it takes to make my husband happy. Sweets, then you need to actively look for another job and also go on short term disability. The money thing, well yes, that's important, but your marriage won't last if you continue working with the exOM. THAT is a fact. Your H can only take so much..
Author anne1707 Posted October 11, 2008 Author Posted October 11, 2008 One more (big) thing - STOP TRYING to figure him out. Or why he does what he does. It shouldn't matter, so don't waste ANY energy giving the exOM your thoughts. I will try - after all why waste my time on that when I need to work on my marriage. This trying to figure out why trait is just something about me generally and not purely specific to the ex-OM but I must let go and get on with my life.
Author anne1707 Posted October 11, 2008 Author Posted October 11, 2008 Sweets, then you need to actively look for another job and also go on short term disability. The money thing, well yes, that's important, but your marriage won't last if you continue working with the exOM. THAT is a fact. Your H can only take so much.. I met someone from a recruitment agency yesterday and have got a couple more contacts who I will be getting in touch with this weekend to aid the job hunt.
Lizzie60 Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 I will try - after all why waste my time on that when I need to work on my marriage. This trying to figure out why trait is just something about me generally and not purely specific to the ex-OM but I must let go and get on with my life. Good .. you're finally seeing the 'light' finally seeing which way is up..
LifesontheUp Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 Sure - lose over half our annual income, then face rising interest rates on the mortgage (already paying £200 more a month than August), rising petrol costs, rising electricity and gas costs, rising cost of basic foods such as bread and rice..... my H and I earn good salaries and even we cannot afford to live on one salary AND keep our house - it would be a repossession job. Just a little thing going on in the economic climate at the moment which is making life that bit harder financially..... Oh come on Anne, you cut back on things, just like people do when things happen that can't be helped.......... Recently my partner had an accident at work and he will be off for at least 5 months. We were devistated as we have bills to pay - rising petrol, gas electricity, mortgage (home loan) etc etc and now on one wage only. We sat down and worked out how and where we can cut back. But you know, I am thankful he is alive and we have each other. Rather struggle than have lost him. You could manage Anne, and better struggle than lose your husband eh?........as thats the way its going.
Author anne1707 Posted October 11, 2008 Author Posted October 11, 2008 No, we really cannot afford to go without my salary at the moment. My H agrees on this too.
seibert253 Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 NO CONVERSATION WITH OM THAT IS NOT 100% WORK RELATED!!!!!!!! Anything less just doesn't cut it. Let those embarassing silences go on...they're GOOD. The more uncomfortable the two of you are together...the better!!!! Being comfortable with him sets the stage for flirtation and resuming the affair...as you've seen. This isn't a situation that requires you to have ANYTHING personal to do with him. Couldn't have said it any better.
lkjh Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Sounds like you want the OM to flirt with you, otherwise you wouldn't even start a convo with him.
cherrymoon Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 You love the attention and you post about it because it is the only place you get to talk about it. You asked him a personal question. Why go for a drink with them after work? Sorry I won't post anymore as you don't listen, you want this you need it. How do i know, because I was just like you. Everybody is finding life financially hard at the moment you just do what you have to. I would rather lose my house now than lose my husband a second time. Yeap troubadour will have a field day on my reformed character but if you want your husband then you would do everything you can and that would be not having sexy underwear delivered to your place of work, not asking him to get you lunch and turning down the drinks after work. Anne I am sorry for being harsh. I won't post again. I wish you luck
Author anne1707 Posted October 13, 2008 Author Posted October 13, 2008 You love the attention and you post about it because it is the only place you get to talk about it. You asked him a personal question. Why go for a drink with them after work? Sorry I won't post anymore as you don't listen, you want this you need it. How do i know, because I was just like you. Everybody is finding life financially hard at the moment you just do what you have to. I would rather lose my house now than lose my husband a second time. Yeap troubadour will have a field day on my reformed character but if you want your husband then you would do everything you can and that would be not having sexy underwear delivered to your place of work, not asking him to get you lunch and turning down the drinks after work. Anne I am sorry for being harsh. I won't post again. I wish you luck Only place to talk? - I have started IC because I want to get over this mess and get on with my marriage. I can see progress as can my counsellor and my husband (MC starts properly on Friday). Personal question? - yes I made a mistake on this one but I had chosen a subject I thought was safe. I did not ask some vague question on "what are you doing this weekend" - I asked him whether he was had his kids this weekend. I knew he did so I also knew it would be some kind of quiet family weekend as opposed to seeing the new woman etc. Drink after work? - It was not a drink after work. It was the continuation of a working lunch. As I am in a senior role, I cannot leave until all guests have left. Don't listen? - I am listening and taking it in. Financially hard? - yes it is hard. My H and I have discussed this and he is currently prepared to wait for me to get another job. He knows I am p****d off at working with the ex-OM but we need my salary. Old stuff you have raised: Underwear delivered to work? - this was nearly 2 months ago now I think. It was very discreetly packaged and only for my H's eyes. Getting me lunch? - I think this was also about 2 months ago now. It was a very stupid mistake and not repeated. Never will be. Drinks after work? - Since we split, we have never gone out for drinks after work. All "social" time together since has been on work business and with other people around. I am seriously trying to make my marriage work. I love my husband. We are improving slowly but if that is what it takes then that is what we'll have. The ex-OM is a ***** and I do not want that loser in my life any more. I just feel sorry for his next victim.
cherrymoon Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 I said I wouldn't post don't hate me, Anne, I brought that stuff up because it is relevant. Send your mail to your house etc Look I was there, I was stupid and selfish. Your husband says it is ok to work there, then so be it. A house is not worth this stress. Think logically here and forgive me I am using what you have said. You and your H are already under pressure financially on both incomes. You need to go to your bank and renegotiate your finances or you need to take the blow and sell the house. Now before you see that as absurd this is a fact of life affair or no affair if you cannot afford something them you cannot have it. My mortgage is huge and we are on one crappy income until I find a new job. We could sell our house but on his earnings we couldn't afford another one but we would have a hefty deposit we don't do that because we have four kids and they need a home. So he and I go without plus i will get a job soon. If I don't we will skip to the bank and ask for help as I did when he and I separated. It is not in their interest to take your home from you they lose too much. As for your situation, be honest please you like the attention and the idea that he wants you. Look you are human and no one wants to be rejected. I am harsh on you because I was there, I made every excuse, I liked the NC and that I knew he would break it. Then I woke up. You posted a ridiculous thread (no offence sorrry) because you know the boundaries. Asking about his kids is personal something close friends discuss. Look I was the boss for long enough I know how to have a conversation without ever asking more than the weather. If it was a business lunch then there was no reason for silence nor personal questions. Being a senior means just that you can leave, i have done it I have seen it done. There is always an excuse another meeting etc, i have also been the head lacky that has had to bring the big guns to dinner so unless the contract souly fell at your feet then ok but if you are that senior you can send OM away or ignore him completely. Never ask me a personal question infront of clients during dinner unless I raise the topic. That is proffessional. Anne do you not see what I am saying and look I don't care if you are still obsessed with him or love him or if you are riding him senseless. Just stop finding excuses to talk about him. Come here and ask for the real questions and get the help you want. I hope I am wrong and unless you ask I will not post. I see the pattern that you create to keep in contact. I truly wish you luck and happiness
Author anne1707 Posted October 13, 2008 Author Posted October 13, 2008 Cherrymoon My H and I want to maintain as much stability as we can in our relationship and that means keeping our home which we both love, hence we both have to work. I do not think asking about kids is a close friends question. Not when all you are doing is asking whether they are with him that weekend. I was not asking for specific details. I also know he will talk about his kids to anybody at work who asks. It was not THAT personal. Being senior means I can't leave because I am a responsible, professional person. There were no other meetings. This was the biggest meeting of the quarter. All senior staff attend. No excuses. Send the ex-OM away? He is as senior as me. Apart from the fact that I would not be so patronising to "send some one away" when they had to attend a meeting. Work was the whole point of the meeting. Personal question - yes, as I have said throughout this thread, it was a mistake but I thought I had chosen a safe subject. He took it further, not me. And when he did, it annoyed me. By the way - my H is reading this thread, he knows exactly what is being said by all and generally he agrees with most of my comments about job/house/finance situation.
whichwayisup Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 I asked him whether he was had his kids this weekend. I knew he did so I also knew it would be some kind of quiet family weekend as opposed to seeing the new woman etc. But if he IS seeing an OW, that's not your concern or business. I have to say it, but you asked him a loaded question. Please be honest, you knew when you asked him he had his kids around yet you knew the answer - Did you feel relief when he answered you? In the sense that he was busy with family stuff and wouldn't have time for the new OW? it was a mistake but I thought I had chosen a safe subject. He took it further, not me. And when he did, it annoyed me. Another lesson learned - NO idle chit chat because he will always push and take it further. Remember, this man doesn't care if this bugs you - He probably is enjoying watching you squirm. Keep it to work related topics, NO personal talk. Not even politics, or the weather.
Author anne1707 Posted October 14, 2008 Author Posted October 14, 2008 Did you feel relief when he answered you? In the sense that he was busy with family stuff and wouldn't have time for the new OW? He may or may not have had time for her but I knew that he could answer without having to refer to her and that he would not refer to her anyway. He never does to anybody even when I have heard him being directly asked whether he is seeing anybody. I am the only person at work who knows about her. I thought it was a safe subject but I was wrong. But as I keep saying, I have learnt and will not ask again. Yes, he will take things further when it suits him. I suppose I had naively thought from the conversation he and I had three weeks ago that he would back off but he has not had the decency to do that. I can see now that every few weeks he will try and do something just to keep it all up in the air. Next time I must be more prepared and just ignore or walk away. Things really are improving with my husband and I and I do not want to lose that. We are getting on better, we are geting closer and more relaxed together and feel more able to make plans together. It is still a very long, hard road to recovery but I know we can make it.
SoulStorm Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 First of all I am glad to hear that your marriage is doing better. Question: Do you really believe that it can fully recover as long as you have contact with the OM? I know that it's just at work..but you work almost everyday right? And is there something in you that kind of likes the attention, even though it mostly annoys you, but it's still some sort of attention?
Al_Bundy Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 To avoid a potentially embarrassing silence, I asked the ex-OM if he had his children staying this weekend - a personal subject but I thought a "safe" one. He chatted about that and then asked what I was doing. I just said I would be doing housework tomorrow to which he commented something along the line "but not in THAT dress". Basically it was a come on. How do I get the boundaries right? You still don't get it do you? The #1 boundary is you don't talk to the OM on a personal level. Until you find another job, its business ONLY. Its clear that you have no intention of respecting your husband and will look for any excuse to talk to the other man and keep him somewhere close to your heart.
carhill Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 OP, since your H is fully disclosed and you and he appear to be in accord, why not take a break from LS, get six months or so of MC and come back and update us? Sometimes the rancor of conflict, even on a message board, can be a negative influence.
jwi71 Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 You have no choice. The only way this question is answered is by quitting. Or asking him to quit. It will prove extraordinarily difficult to heal the marriage while you continue to have any contact with your OM. You must never see, talk, touch, anything your xOM. Period. You have already proven yourself unable to resist him. Either quit or get divorced. I was in the same position as your betrayed H (my wife was screwing her boss). She quit. Immediately. And that has really helped our recovery. We would not be where we are now had she not. Whatever your H is telling you...every time he knows you had contact with the xOM...it is likely be betrayed again. So...choose.
Owl Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Anne- Have you noticed how "universal" the advice you've been given is? Doesn't that speak volumes to you? It should. Everyone is saying the same exact thing. Granted...its not what you want to hear...but its what you NEED to hear. You need to be doing everything humanly possible to get out of that office...even to the point of risking your job/career. Anything less than that is going to have a much, much higher chance of destroying your marriage than the loss of income will. And...you KNOW that there can be NO communication between you and OM at all...AT ALL. What you're doing is undermining any attempts you're making at reconciling with your husband. Honestly...you should go to your boss and explain the situation completely...and ask for his assistance in helping you to save your marriage. He might not give it...but...he might surprise you too. You never know...he may have been in your situation at some point...or your husbands. At the end of the day...doing what you're doing now is the only surefire path I can see to divorce. SOMETHING has to force a change in the situation...so what's it going to be????
LifesontheUp Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 At the end of the day...doing what you're doing now is the only surefire path I can see to divorce. SOMETHING has to force a change in the situation...so what's it going to be???? Yep..........been telling her this since she started posting months ago. The change will likely be her husband leaving her. Anne - again you conveniently skipped over the point I was making in my last post. So I will say it again......... I would rather be poor and living in a rented appartment and jobless rather than still in my job and without my husband. All I see too is someone who is enjoying the OM interactions, someone who still isn't willing to put her husband first above everything. You say your husband agrees with most of what is posted on here. What does he agree with Anne?
LifesontheUp Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Personal question? - yes I made a mistake on this one but I had chosen a subject I thought was safe. I did not ask some vague question on "what are you doing this weekend" - I asked him whether he was had his kids this weekend. I knew he did so I also knew it would be some kind of quiet family weekend as opposed to seeing the new woman etc. Oh come on Anne be honest, you've had advice on here for long enough and know full well not to discuss anything other than work. You were fishing for info - be absolutely honest. Financially hard? - yes it is hard. My H and I have discussed this and he is currently prepared to wait for me to get another job. He knows I am p****d off at working with the ex-OM but we need my salary.. Ok so get another job just not in your field at the moment. It'll help pay the bills while you are looking.
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