anne1707 Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I want to make my marriage work. I had an affair, it was wrong and stupid - I love my husband. It has been very hard getting to this stage but I do want us to work. We start MC next week and I have started IC (and it is very much balanced towards making my marriage work). The problem is I work with the ex-OM. I am looking for another job but in the meantime, getting the boundaries right at work is difficult. Today involved going out for lunch with several others - whereas before we would have sat next to each other, I avoided that. Afterwards some of us had a drink together. By this stage I had already sent my H a text to come and pick me up - he knew I was at this meeting and the ex-OM was there. To avoid a potentially embarrassing silence, I asked the ex-OM if he had his children staying this weekend - a personal subject but I thought a "safe" one. He chatted about that and then asked what I was doing. I just said I would be doing housework tomorrow to which he commented something along the line "but not in THAT dress". Basically it was a come on. How do I get the boundaries right? I am trying to be professional and not make it difficult for my H or colleagues but then ex-OM does this (whilst when confronted acts as if he has done nothing wrong). I have told my H about this and he is understandably hurt. I don't want to have to lie to my H to protect his feelings. I must be honest with him throughout this if we are to recover but the ex-OM keeps stirring things up like this. How do I make him stop when he he denies he is doing this when ever I confront him? How do I reassure my H that I want our marriage? How do I stop the ex-OM interfering in my life?
Geishawhelk Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Either brush off the comment and ignore it completely...pretend you didn't hear... or come back with something that lets him know your priorities are definitely elsewhere... "oh yes, in this dress... my husband loves it!" and laugh. Whilst it's important to maintain a professional relationship and attitude WITHIN the confines of your work premises, nothing states that at any other time or place, you need to continue this.
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 To avoid a potentially embarrassing silence, I asked the ex-OM if he had his children staying this weekend OK, WHO cares about embarressing silences! Honestly, if you or the OM are uncomfortable, you deal with it by staying silent. Having ANY kind of conversation with him was the wrong choice...You made small chat. ONLY speak to him about work related issues. NO personal talk. NONE. Not, hello, hi, how are you, nice day out there, goodbye, have a good weekend..NOTHING. BUSINESS, that is it. You have NO control over what the OM does, says or thinks. All you can control is HOW YOU react to it. And the best way is to IGNORE and NOT worry one bit how it comes off to him, to your co-workers. That's just something you have to put up with. If you really want to re-assure your husband, (I said this before) go to your Dr, get a note on go on stress leave. You allow him to interfer IN your life by talking to him about nonsense stuff. HE does NOT care one bit what it does to you. He has nothing to lose..
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 To avoid a potentially embarrassing silence, I asked the ex-OM if he had his children staying this weekend - a personal subject but I thought a "safe" one. He chatted about that and then asked what I was doing. I just said I would be doing housework tomorrow to which he commented something along the line "but not in THAT dress". Basically it was a come on. And there's your reason NEVER to have ANY personal dicussion with him because HE WILL find an angle to come back and say something, hense the dress comment. Again, he doesn't care what the affect it has on you or your marriage.
You'reasian Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 For starters, is it a good idea to start an affair, much less at work? Continue to keep it professional with the ex-OM and minimize contact. Finish any lingering business or professional transactions you may have with OM and then move forward with your Husband.
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Anne, I really don't understand why you're having such a hard time figuring out what boundries to put up in reguards to the exOM. You've been told many times how you should handle this, but it seems, you're doing what's easiest for you. WHO cares if the $$ flow changes in the next few months. Somehow you and your H should be able to deal with that until you get another job. THOUSANDS of people survive on one income, and somehow they manage OK.
Author anne1707 Posted October 10, 2008 Author Posted October 10, 2008 Anne, I really don't understand why you're having such a hard time figuring out what boundries to put up in reguards to the exOM. You've been told many times how you should handle this, but it seems, you're doing what's easiest for you. WHO cares if the $$ flow changes in the next few months. Somehow you and your H should be able to deal with that until you get another job. THOUSANDS of people survive on one income, and somehow they manage OK. Sure - lose over half our annual income, then face rising interest rates on the mortgage (already paying £200 more a month than August), rising petrol costs, rising electricity and gas costs, rising cost of basic foods such as bread and rice..... my H and I earn good salaries and even we cannot afford to live on one salary AND keep our house - it would be a repossession job. Just a little thing going on in the economic climate at the moment which is making life that bit harder financially.....
Author anne1707 Posted October 10, 2008 Author Posted October 10, 2008 I have to work. Simple as that. So all I am trying to do is keep the balance at work right so my marriage can work. How do I make the ex-OM stop when he denies he is doing anything. It ****** me off that he keeps doing this even though I have confronted him on this several times now. He will flirt etc until I tell him to stop and then he denies he has ever done anything.
Author anne1707 Posted October 10, 2008 Author Posted October 10, 2008 I messed up but I know that and I am trying to make things right. I love my husband and want my marriage to work. I do not need your cheap insults.
Owl Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 NO CONVERSATION WITH OM THAT IS NOT 100% WORK RELATED!!!!!!!! Anything less just doesn't cut it. Let those embarassing silences go on...they're GOOD. The more uncomfortable the two of you are together...the better!!!! Being comfortable with him sets the stage for flirtation and resuming the affair...as you've seen. This isn't a situation that requires you to have ANYTHING personal to do with him.
Author anne1707 Posted October 10, 2008 Author Posted October 10, 2008 I suppose I thought I could deal with all in some kind of "grown up" way and be able to handle the contact we have at work. But I am wrong on this and do need to take a harder line. I want my marriage so this is the only approach.
You'reasian Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Sure - lose over half our annual income, then face rising interest rates on the mortgage (already paying £200 more a month than August), rising petrol costs, rising electricity and gas costs, rising cost of basic foods such as bread and rice..... my H and I earn good salaries and even we cannot afford to live on one salary AND keep our house - it would be a repossession job. Just a little thing going on in the economic climate at the moment which is making life that bit harder financially..... Have you considered sitting down with your Husband and working out a budget? I can see how hard it could be.
Author anne1707 Posted October 10, 2008 Author Posted October 10, 2008 Have you considered sitting down with your Husband and working out a budget? I can see how hard it could be. Don't need to. We are only just coping financially now so lose a salary, lose the house.
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I have to work. Simple as that. So all I am trying to do is keep the balance at work right so my marriage can work. How do I make the ex-OM stop when he denies he is doing anything. It ****** me off that he keeps doing this even though I have confronted him on this several times now. He will flirt etc until I tell him to stop and then he denies he has ever done anything. IGNORE HIM. ANY type of reaction gives him pleasure. If you ignore, he'll eventually stop. Stop confronting him about it! SILENCE is golden! I suppose I thought I could deal with all in some kind of "grown up" way and be able to handle the contact we have at work. But I am wrong on this and do need to take a harder line. I want my marriage so this is the only approach. When people are hurting and ego's get in the way, adults and maturity has nothing to do with it, as you've seen firsthand. Sure - lose over half our annual income, then face rising interest rates on the mortgage (already paying £200 more a month than August), rising petrol costs, rising electricity and gas costs, rising cost of basic foods such as bread and rice..... my H and I earn good salaries and even we cannot afford to live on one salary AND keep our house - it would be a repossession job. Just a little thing going on in the economic climate at the moment which is making life that bit harder financially..... Again, talk to your DR and get a note explaining that you need to go on stress leave. Your HR department can put you on short term disability. You are stressed and the longer you stay at this job working with exOM, the more the stress will be there. Bottomline, and I KNOW you know this - You cannot BE around the exOM anymore, especially in a work environment. It's obvious neither of you can handle it. PLEASE consider going on STD (Short term Disability, not the other meaning of STD). TALK To your husband about this. Most company's pay up to 80% of your pay. Thoughts??
Author anne1707 Posted October 10, 2008 Author Posted October 10, 2008 Again, talk to your DR and get a note explaining that you need to go on stress leave. Your HR department can put you on short term disability. You are stressed and the longer you stay at this job working with exOM, the more the stress will be there. Bottomline, and I KNOW you know this - You cannot BE around the exOM anymore, especially in a work environment. It's obvious neither of you can handle it. PLEASE consider going on STD (Short term Disability, not the other meaning of STD). TALK To your husband about this. Most company's pay up to 80% of your pay. Thoughts?? My company is small and does not have an HR department. I am in a very senior role in the company and being off with stress would get known in other companies I could possibly work for - not good for getting another job.
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 My company is small and does not have an HR department. I am in a very senior role in the company and being off with stress would get known in other companies I could possibly work for - not good for getting another job. Noone legally could know what the reason would be. It would only be your immediate boss and you, and your Dr. And, I highly doubt you being on short term for whatever reason, would have any impact on your future career, reguardless of the field you're in. I know TONS of people who have gone on stress leave for various reasons, and it was NEVER held against them when coming back, moving up the ladder, or finding another job in the same field. Sorry Anne, I keep throwing out suggestions and you keep prioritizing your job. COUPLES can manage and this IS something you need to discuss with your husband. Stop worrying so much about your job and the what if's about the future if people knew. TALK to your husband about it and see what HE has to say. IF HE feels it's a good idea, it's something you ought to consider. Your marriage IS and should be number one, not your job.
Author anne1707 Posted October 10, 2008 Author Posted October 10, 2008 Noone legally could know what the reason would be. It would only be your immediate boss and you, and your Dr. And, I highly doubt you being on short term for whatever reason, would have any impact on your future career, reguardless of the field you're in. I know TONS of people who have gone on stress leave for various reasons, and it was NEVER held against them when coming back, moving up the ladder, or finding another job in the same field. Sorry Anne, I keep throwing out suggestions and you keep prioritizing your job. COUPLES can manage and this IS something you need to discuss with your husband. Stop worrying so much about your job and the what if's about the future if people knew. TALK to your husband about it and see what HE has to say. IF HE feels it's a good idea, it's something you ought to consider. Your marriage IS and should be number one, not your job. I have just asked him what he thinks. He can see that this is in some ways sensible advice but he believes that we can only work if I cannot be messed around by ex-OM because I have "grown up". I have also asked him if he wishes to post to this thread (as he now has a LS account) but he does not want to.
Geishawhelk Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 In that case just refine your strategy. At work, be dignified, polite, professional and business like. Anywhere else you come into contact - make it NC..be it verbal, visual or psychological. head him off at the pass.... Does anyone at work know what went on btwn you two? If they don't it may seem odd to them if your attitude seems to have done a complete about turn. If anyone asks, just tell them it's personal, and can they keep a secret? They're bound to sniff scandal and eagerly reply - "Yes!!" All you need reply is - "So can I!" Smile mysteriously, wink, and walk away.....
Author anne1707 Posted October 10, 2008 Author Posted October 10, 2008 Geishawhelk I know you are right and that is what I am going to have to try and do. Something else I have to deal with is my trying to figure out why the ex-OM continues to behave the way he does. I have always over-analysed situations and I know it is happening here because I just cannot understand why he treats me the way he does and never will. After all, if he cannot face what he is doing and admit that he continues to do this then he will never provide an explanation. Whatever the reason, it is unfair and wrong. It shows that he either does not care or does not know what he really wants and I have had enough of those games. It is time to concentrate on my H and our marriage.
SoulStorm Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Geishawhelk I know you are right and that is what I am going to have to try and do. Something else I have to deal with is my trying to figure out why the ex-OM continues to behave the way he does. I have always over-analysed situations and I know it is happening here because I just cannot understand why he treats me the way he does and never will. After all, if he cannot face what he is doing and admit that he continues to do this then he will never provide an explanation. Whatever the reason, it is unfair and wrong. It shows that he either does not care or does not know what he really wants and I have had enough of those games. It is time to concentrate on my H and our marriage. OM treats you the way he does because you were a conquest that he conquered. He feels that if he keeps on he can do it again. In other words..he really doesn't respect you anymore. I'm not being harsh..just factual. This is part of the thinking of a testostrone charged ***hole. There is no trying to comprehend this. He is disrespecting you. The mere fact that you opened conversation gave him a green light to disrespect you more. To him..you were just another notch in his belt. It's a game to him to see if he can do it again. The more "uncomfortable silence" you have with him..the less he can disrespect you. He is also disrespecting your husband. If I were your husband, I would wait till he got off work and commence to whooping his @#$ ninja style, and leave his tallywacker tied in a knot! Sorry mods..I lost my head for a minute.
Bryanp Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 I am just curious but how would you feel if the roles had been reversed and your husband told you that he felt awkward about the silence in coversation so he asked his former lover how her kids are thinking it would be safe. Your husband then tells you that she started up and continued to flirt with him. Come on Anne. The hell with the silence in conversation. Would you want your husband talking to his ex affair partner about her family? You say your love your husband but your actions show otherwise. This is just my opinion.
Author anne1707 Posted October 11, 2008 Author Posted October 11, 2008 I do love my husband - he is just the most amazing man and I am so grateful that he is still prepared to give us a chance. If the roles were reversed, I would be incredibly hurt and probably not be able to cope as well as my husband has too. I have so much to do to try and make up for the harm and pain I have caused. I am hoping that he will give me that opportunity and allow me to prove he was right to give me this chance.
Lizzie60 Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 I want to make my marriage work. I had an affair, it was wrong and stupid - I love my husband. It has been very hard getting to this stage but I do want us to work. We start MC next week and I have started IC (and it is very much balanced towards making my marriage work). The problem is I work with the ex-OM. I am looking for another job but in the meantime, getting the boundaries right at work is difficult. Today involved going out for lunch with several others - whereas before we would have sat next to each other, I avoided that. Afterwards some of us had a drink together. By this stage I had already sent my H a text to come and pick me up - he knew I was at this meeting and the ex-OM was there. To avoid a potentially embarrassing silence, I asked the ex-OM if he had his children staying this weekend - a personal subject but I thought a "safe" one. He chatted about that and then asked what I was doing. I just said I would be doing housework tomorrow to which he commented something along the line "but not in THAT dress". Basically it was a come on. How do I get the boundaries right? I am trying to be professional and not make it difficult for my H or colleagues but then ex-OM does this (whilst when confronted acts as if he has done nothing wrong). I have told my H about this and he is understandably hurt. I don't want to have to lie to my H to protect his feelings. I must be honest with him throughout this if we are to recover but the ex-OM keeps stirring things up like this. How do I make him stop when he he denies he is doing this when ever I confront him? How do I reassure my H that I want our marriage? How do I stop the ex-OM interfering in my life? You say you still love your H.. so for those who constantly say that a person cannot love his/her partner when they have an A.. you prove them wrong.. First.. you started the conversation.. you shouldn't.. you opened the door for comments like that. I understand you want to be honest with your H.. but there is honesty and there is honesty.. no need to report those comments back to him.. you only hurting him and that's not being honest.. IMO.. that's torturing him.. Reporting stuff like this.. does not help him.. Just ignore the exOM.. to not talk to him.. period... and if he tries to discuss with you.. just be cold with a 'yes' or 'no'.. he'll get the message..
SoulStorm Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 Anne, Anne, Anne, How many times are you going to read what people write to you and continue to make the wrong decisions. It's like you look at a rack of right decisons and a rack of wrong decisions and say: I'll take that wrong decisons on the top rack. You've got to learn boundaries..especially if you are not going to quit your job. You say: I'm going to work on h and my marriage..well we thought you were already doing that. I am glad for your sake, that you have a patient and very forgiving H
whichwayisup Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 I have just asked him what he thinks. He can see that this is in some ways sensible advice but he believes that we can only work if I cannot be messed around by ex-OM because I have "grown up". I have also asked him if he wishes to post to this thread (as he now has a LS account) but he does not want to. Give the short term some thought. Discuss it more over the weekend, weigh the pro's/con's.. IF IT IS AFFORDABLE, I strongly suggest you do it. ST can be as long as you need, up to 6 months. Please, both of you keep an open mind about this. I can understand why your H doesn't want to post on LS - But if he does decide he wants help, it's here.
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