D-Lish Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 I say mind your own business.. you told him.. now he knows.. then he should draw his own conclusions. It would drive me crazy if all the parents were so involved in my private life.. Agreed! My parents stayed out of my divorce. They did for me what I needed most- gave me their support. I was so thankful for that. I also agree with TBF- my mother or father nor any other family member would ever betray what I told them in confidence. If it were my daughter, my first priority would be to support and protect my own child. He's been alerted already and he chose not to believe... They are adults with children- they need to work this out between them. The truth will come out- it always does.
pelicanpreacher Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Agreed! My parents stayed out of my divorce. They did for me what I needed most- gave me their support. I was so thankful for that. I also agree with TBF- my mother or father nor any other family member would ever betray what I told them in confidence. If it were my daughter, my first priority would be to support and protect my own child. He's been alerted already and he chose not to believe... They are adults with children- they need to work this out between them. The truth will come out- it always does. Waaaaaaaaaaait a minute D-Lish! When you get married you are perceived as a child of your inlaws with all of the priviledges bestowed therein so their loyalties must be diffused between both spouses. If it is obvious that physical, emotional, or spiritual abuse is indicated in the relationship then, and only then, can either parents take an absolute side in the matter to ensure the protection of the injured child (husband or wife) within said marriage! Be careful in your stance for, to reserve the right of favoritism, you may be accused of coloring your actions and opinions with a hidden agenda.
Land_Of_The_Lost Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 Your role is to be supportive even if you see that the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. Mistakes are our primary means of attaining wisdom. I agree as parents they should be as supportive as possible. But when people are in need of wisdom, we should not assume they comprehend that the train light they see will run over their lives (and their children’s) like an eighteen-wheeler truck stuck on the railroad tracks.
Al_Bundy Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 If I saw my son getting ready to embark on a life with a cheating woman, I would most certainly give him any info I might have so he could make an informed decision instead of leaving him in the dark. What kind of loving parent would knowling watch his or her son walk blindly into a life with a deceitful woman like that? Well said and very true. Like I said before, I am grateful for every day my parents had my back. I can't imagine being a parent and letting my kid be married to someone screwing around behind their back.
Al_Bundy Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 Agreed! My parents stayed out of my divorce. They did for me what I needed most- gave me their support. I was so thankful for that. Staying out of a divorce, and letting your child be in a marriage not knowing all the facts are 2 different things.
jwi71 Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 Oh yes. Arrange a family lunch. But I doubt much will get eaten, or anyone will have much of an appetite. However, this really is better aired and sorted out. I know you're torn, but you know, if it was me, I'd want this all out in the open. Then, when they start deciding what to do with their marriage - let them get on wih it. 100% agree. Your duty is to your son and your grandchildren. Have the lunch...and secretly tape it as well. Your son may need whatever evidence he can get in court. So ask her and her mother, father, whoever else along. Sit and have a civil chat. And record the whole thing.
mental_traveller Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Your son definitely needs to know (assuming it's proven, not just a "hunch"). To avoid personal fall-out, tell him anonymously (e.g. email, or via a friend) and supply any evidence needed to convince him.
Reggie Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 I'd tell my kid and advise him to divorce. I'd make sure he knew I was there to support him if he needed it.
In Like Flynn Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Just shoot him a email with the extra info. That way there is no verbal jousting where he cuts you off or gets upset. He will read the email...no matter what he wants to know!! I would expect my family to keep me informed even if I say I don't want to hear it!!
Trimmer Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 No, integrity isn't about breaking a confidence without the knowledge of the original person. If it came down to it, it's up to the mother to tell her daughter to confess or she would do it for her. It's pretty sneaky to do it this way and doesn't line up with a mother that believes in doing right. I still don't get why a mother would do this to her daughter. It makes no sense. Even if it's completely mystifying as to her motivations, even if it's sneaky, and not what you or your family would ever do, can you imagine any better, more likely explanation other than: it's the truth, and she thought he deserved to know?
EnigmaXOXO Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 He came home feeling releaved. I warned him to take a closer look and he said, "Dad, you keep bringing this up and its making me feel bad", and, "If I find out it is another man its over for good". This particular comment would end any further discussion or sharing of information from me. I commend your efforts as a concerned parent to inform your adult son of the things he’s unable to see through his own denial. If in your situation, I would have done the same exact thing. For me the greater harm might come if you said nothing and he later found out you knew and kept it from him. It may have felt like a double betrayal to him in retrospect. However, he’s basically shut you down. Perhaps the truth is just too difficult for him to consider at this particular point in time. I wouldn’t create any more animosity between myself and my adult child at this point by going to any great lengths to prove just how ‘right’ I was. He’s about to find that out all on his own (can’t be avoided now that so many people know) and the fact that he’s closed his ears to those who really had his back and tried to warn him will be enough for him to reconcile with later on ---on top of all the other truths he’ll eventually be left to digest. I think he’ll respect you more in the end because you at least cared enough to try. But I’m worried he’s more likely to blame you if you push too hard and he begins to misinterpret your concerns for meddling. When you’re stuck in the middle, it often requires a fine balancing act. Sometimes it’s just better to read the queues before deciding whether to abruptly shake someone awake or allow them to come to grips on their own slowly. While many of us can imagine what we might do if in your shoes ... the truth is no one knows your son better than you, or how best to support him. Good luck ... to BOTH of you!
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