BlipBlap Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Hi Folks, My first post. Quick background: My son is 24 and has 2 kids- 4 years, and 6 months- my grandchildren. For a year my wife and I have been uneasy about his wife's boss. A week ago she (I'll call her Mary) said she wasn't happy and they split up. I told my son of our concern about her boss. He said he too had been concerned in the past but that he felt it wasn't a current issue. So I met with Mary's mother, with whom she now lives. She reluctantly told me that Mary is in love with her boss and is trying to sort through it. I didn't know what to do but yesterday I told my son about what Mary's mother told me. He drove to talk with Mary at work and she told him not to worry- her mother was confusing a months-old, Resolved issue with the present- and No she isn't in love with the boss. He came home feeling releaved. I warned him to take a closer look and he said, "Dad, you keep bringing this up and its making me feel bad", and, "If I find out it is another man its over for good". I called Mary's mom again and told her what Mary told my son and she said, "This is a current issue- we talk about it every day". So. What do I do? Tell him of my 2nd, confirming call to Mary's mother or let it go? I feel my son is trying to reconcile based on the (wrong) facts and as such will just be spinning his wheels. He is on the wrong playing field hoping to make progress while Mary is playing a completely different game. I want to tell him of my confirming call to Mary's mother but don't want to if it isn't the right thing to do. Thanks, Bill
quankanne Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 this has the potential to blow up in y'alls faces, simply because your son will be upset at you for trying to paint his wife in a bad life or for being right about her. Right now, he doesn't want any one or any thing to burst his bubble of hope. that said, maybe it's time to have an intervention of sorts, where Mary and her mom meet with you and your son and the topic of her ongoing affair is addressed. I imagine she'll do her best to lie because she's a cake-eater, so you are going to need proof of the affair. However, it's not a fool-proof plan, especially when your son is in denial about his wife's cheating.
2sunny Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 i say stay out of it for now. it will sort itself out in time... the truth always surfaces somehow. in the meantime - be supportive and loving in anyway you can to your son and grandkids. they need that from you right now more than anything.
signedin2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Hi Folks, My first post. Quick background: My son is 24 and has 2 kids- 4 years, and 6 months- my grandchildren. Let's look at the bigger picture here. How long has she known her boss? Are both or any of her children your biological grandchildren? How sure are you about it? As sure as your son about her wife's current state of the affair? Is the boss married? If so, his wife needs to know. There is NO way of a reconciliation if his wife have any contact with the boss. Translation, she need to quit her job and never see or talk to the boss again.
Geishawhelk Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Oh yes. Arrange a family lunch. But I doubt much will get eaten, or anyone will have much of an appetite. However, this really is better aired and sorted out. I know you're torn, but you know, if it was me, I'd want this all out in the open. Then, when they start deciding what to do with their marriage - let them get on wih it.
2sunny Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 IF, and that's a big IF, you are to go to anyone with the information you have - it should be straight to your daughter in law. it should be done IN FRONT of her Mother (since she is the one who told you). not as a question of whether or not she's cheating - but as a statement that is common knowledge - acknowledging the affair and ask what her intentions are from this point forward... that way you'll allow her to understand that you know about the affair (without her need to be defensive) and you'll know how to proceed with your Son.
Moose Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 The best advice I can give is to stay out of it....completely. Do what you can for your son, but stay out of his relationships. You're setting yourself up.... Look at it this way, he finds out she's cheating and you were right all along....he'll be resentful towards you for being right. He finds out she's not cheating, he'll be resentful towards you for being wrong... It's a lose lose situation....in my mind anyway.... He's an adult....he has to deal with these kind of issues on his own. Your job is to be there for him and your grand kids....that's all....
Al_Bundy Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Hi Folks, My first post. Quick background: My son is 24 and has 2 kids- 4 years, and 6 months- my grandchildren. For a year my wife and I have been uneasy about his wife's boss. A week ago she (I'll call her Mary) said she wasn't happy and they split up. I told my son of our concern about her boss. He said he too had been concerned in the past but that he felt it wasn't a current issue. So I met with Mary's mother, with whom she now lives. She reluctantly told me that Mary is in love with her boss and is trying to sort through it. I didn't know what to do but yesterday I told my son about what Mary's mother told me. He drove to talk with Mary at work and she told him not to worry- her mother was confusing a months-old, Resolved issue with the present- and No she isn't in love with the boss. He came home feeling releaved. I warned him to take a closer look and he said, "Dad, you keep bringing this up and its making me feel bad", and, "If I find out it is another man its over for good". I called Mary's mom again and told her what Mary told my son and she said, "This is a current issue- we talk about it every day". So. What do I do? Tell him of my 2nd, confirming call to Mary's mother or let it go? YES!!! He needs to know what is going on. I feel my son is trying to reconcile based on the (wrong) facts and as such will just be spinning his wheels. Which is EXACTLY why you need to tell him.
Al_Bundy Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 this has the potential to blow up in y'alls faces, simply because your son will be upset at you for trying to paint his wife in a bad life or for being right about her. He wouldn't be painting her in a bad light(her own actions will do that). All he would be telling his son is what his wife's mother said.
Al_Bundy Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 The best advice I can give is to stay out of it....completely. Do what you can for your son, but stay out of his relationships. You're setting yourself up.... Look at it this way, he finds out she's cheating and you were right all along....he'll be resentful towards you for being right. I disagree. I wasn't resentful of the people that told me, nor of my parents when they agreed with my friends. I basically had to tell them all, "you were right all along". I was thankful to have people like that watching my back. He finds out she's not cheating, he'll be resentful towards you for being wrong... Nothing was really said about cheating. Just that his wife's mother knew she was in love with her boss. Even the son suspected it. All they have to do is tell him what his wife's mother said. Its all on her. He's an adult....he has to deal with these kind of issues on his own. While his wife gets to deal with it with her own mother. Great for him to be alone in it all, when she is being counseled by her mother. he needs his family to be strong for him right now and not be afraid of what he might think later. But as I said, all they would be doing is telling him what her mother said.
Trialbyfire Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Your son is in denial. You've done your duties as his parent/person of integrity by bringing his attention to it the first time. Anything further will be considered an infringement on his life. Also, while he might be in denial, if he's got any kind of smarts, his emotional radar should be on full. It will hit the fan, sooner or later. Keep in mind that with two small children, he might be in denial for a reason. To force his hand might be detrimental to the children and his access to them. Back off.
Al_Bundy Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Your son is in denial. You've done your duties as his parent/person of integrity by bringing his attention to it the first time. Anything further will be considered an infringement on his life. Also, while he might be in denial, if he's got any kind of smarts, his emotional radar should be on full. It will hit the fan, sooner or later. Keep in mind that with two small children, he might be in denial for a reason. To force his hand might be detrimental to the children and his access to them. Back off. As the son of parents that tried to tell me, I'm grateful to them that the didn't "back off".
Owl Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Tell your son the truth. Also...send him over to look at the marriagebuilders.com website, to look at their free stuff. Have him read up on plan A, and plan B. The lovebank, lovebusters, etc... Do a google search on all of these along with the key word: infidelity. He needs to start an immediate plan A. Your son deserves the truth, and NEEDS to know the full truth so he knows what actions to take from there. I'm not sure why you'd even consider NOT telling him.
noreply110 Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Tell your son you called her mother to make sure you weren't spreading rumors. Tell him what she said. Then tell him how much you love him, that you will support him and that you will from this point on stay OUT of his business unless he asks for your help. Then call him once a day, invite him to things that you are both interested in it, and be his dad. If you continue to bring up something he has already told you he doesn't want to hear, you will be the target of his miss-aimed anger. You are a great dad. We can tell how much you love your son. Cheer him up, be his friend, just be there for him.
quankanne Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 NR110, I think this is probably the best game plan proposed, because it verifies what information Dad has, it leaves the ball squarely in Son's court, but most of all it doesn't have the huge potential to make son angry at dad for telling him now or not telling him, he's just apprising his son of what's going on. And affirming his love for the boy.
Trialbyfire Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I agree but only if the OP is 100% certain the mother is right. If you're going to push something on someone, you'd better have hard proof. My question to the OP, is why is Mary's mother spilling the beans? You would think her alliance and love for her daughter would trump all else. Btw, I'm also a ex-betrayed spouse. If I had heard the things the father mentioned the first go-around, I would be doing a lot more research. The last thing I would need is someone to spoon feed me more information when my spouse originally confirmed her relationship with her boss. The entire situation doesn't smell right.
Trialbyfire Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Why would the mom make up these things about her own daughter? That makes absolutely no sense. Maybe mom just feels right is right and wrong is wrong and applies that to everyone. If you were close enough to discuss your life with your mother on a daily basis, would your mother divulge information of a negative variety like this, to the father of someone else? I know my mother wouldn't tell a soul. On the otherhand, she would rip me to shreds for getting involved in an affair. That's what integrity is all about. Maintaining confidence but doing the right thing.
Land_Of_The_Lost Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 If you were close enough to discuss your life with your mother on a daily basis, would your mother divulge information of a negative variety like this, to the father of someone else? Yes even a close mother could, at least one that cared enough about everyone involved. Luckily I was not married, but it was my girlfriend’s mother that told me she was cheating and I am forever in her debt.
Trialbyfire Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 No, integrity isn't about breaking a confidence without the knowledge of the original person. If it came down to it, it's up to the mother to tell her daughter to confess or she would do it for her. It's pretty sneaky to do it this way and doesn't line up with a mother that believes in doing right. I still don't get why a mother would do this to her daughter. It makes no sense.
Lizzie60 Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I say mind your own business.. you told him.. now he knows.. then he should draw his own conclusions. It would drive me crazy if all the parents were so involved in my private life..
Owl Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I say mind your own business.. you told him.. now he knows.. then he should draw his own conclusions. It would drive me crazy if all the parents were so involved in my private life.. Considering your private life and night shift work...I can well imagine it wouldn't go well if they were involved.
imagine Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Infidelity is a cancer. I personally would like to be notified by the doctor while it can still be treated.
pelicanpreacher Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 2nd hand hearsay is equivalent to a fart from a horse's ass. Have your son speak directly to his wife's mother if he truly wants to know what she knows. If she indeed did inform you, the father, of this information then she obviously expected it to be relayed to your son. If she has no hidden agenda to break up the marriage for her own reasons then her truth can be accepted as truth. It's also obvious your son will never get the truth from his wife so he has no other option. Good luck!
GPFan Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 I feel my son is trying to reconcile based on the (wrong) facts and as such will just be spinning his wheels. He is on the wrong playing field hoping to make progress while Mary is playing a completely different game. I want to tell him of my confirming call to Mary's mother but don't want to if it isn't the right thing to do.Your Son is an adult and as such it is his decision as to where to go from here. Your role is to be supportive even if you see that the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. Mistakes are our primary means of attaining wisdom.
Lizzie60 Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Considering your private life and night shift work...I can well imagine it wouldn't go well if they were involved. ahhh..aaaahhh.. Owl... you sound like a broken record.. you're getting annoying with this 'night shift' thing.. geezzz
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