Can a reconiliation work in these circumstances?

[RainbowBlue]

I'm glad I found you guys. I'm going through a hard time. I was in a relationship for 23 years. We were so happy for 20 of them. Then his business went bust and he would not acknowledge it, kept making bad decision after bad decision. He got stressed as he got into heavy debt trying to fix the business. It caused alot of financial stress. I had been working in the business and then I had to leave and get work. I got work and made enough to support us but he kept borrowing money from my pay 'Just until Tuesday I promise' that sort of thing, and despite best intentions Tuesday would not come and I would get super stressed saying I need the money to pay rent. So basically he would ask me for money out of desperation and I would be asking for it back out of desperation. I asked him to stop asking me for money and to let me just support us until he got back on his feet. He said yes, but would get desperate and the cycle continued.

 

In July last year I said its over. I could not kick him out as he had money and nowhere to go. So I moved to the spare bedroom. Well he went out dating lots and lots, using online single websites. And I would be a complete mess. I had no interest in dating.

 

In November we reconciled. I fought hard for our relationship because he was my soul mate and what we had for so many years was so good. But in January, after alot of womens intuition I checked his emails and sure enough he was emailing a couple of women, acting single, wanting another date, romancing them...especially one. I was sick for two hours. I confronted him and he said he had dated her once and was just being stupid, he would not really date her again and would have no contact with her anymore. Then I found a text message one day to a different woman "Goodnight Gorgeous, Sweet dreams" and "Good Morning Sexy and beautiful" the next morning to another woman. Again I confronted him and he said he had met them online and he was just flirting it was stupid and meant nothing. He changed phones so these women would not have his number. But I found another one on the new phone. I said enough was enough.

 

We got a letter in the mail saying that the owners of our house were moving back in and we had 60 days to move out. So I said to my ex, well thats it, we move out into different places. A week before we were moving, he told me I was the love of his life, he had been stupid, that these women were just an escape from all his stress. He had been single for the first time in his adult life and got of attention from other women and found it hard to stop flirting with them. He promised me 100% commitment. We moved into a new place and four days later I found another text message and kicked him out.

 

That was in May. I was beyond devastated. I love this man so deeply for so long. He was once so dedicated to me, and I thought we would grow old together. I was absolutely crushed and went through a really bad time. He was very sorry.

 

He wanted to stay friends, so though I was reluctant we saw saw each other once a week for coffee, or lunch or something. Though I was reluctant I could not cut off all ties with him because I had alot of debt in my name that he was trying to help me with.

 

I knew he would be out dating and whatever, and intellectually I knew and accepted this. I told him though I was trying to be friends, to not talk about who he was dating. He agreed. Well a few weeks ago he told me he had been living in the spare room of a lady who lived with her 19 year old daughter. I knew he was staying there, renting the room for a couple of months. But a few weeks ago we were having a nice relaxing drink together and he asked me if I was dating anyone. I said no why are you? he said well you know that woman I was staying with? We ended up together. All my friends were saying it was so sweet, and she was really special to me but it didn't work out and I moved and am staying with a friend now.

 

I was fine. I said 'Oh well I'm sorry it didn't work out, what happened?" He said that the 19 year daughter was not happy about the relationship but there were a few issues and the woman was just not right. I was fine. But about 6 hours after he left, I suddenly crashed emotionally and was so heartbroken at the thought of him feeling something 'special' for someone else, making love to another woman, and so on. It was so bad, and I was such a mess. He knew because when he called I was always crying and just a basket case. So a week ago he tells me he has been a complete idiot and he wants what we had back, that I am the love of his life and he will fight for me and do whatever it takes to reconcile.

 

I really would do anything to get back what we had. But I just don't know. I am not going to make the decision now. Now I am just taking things one day at a time. But over the next few months I need to decide if I will try this relationship again or not. And if not, I think I need to cut all ties with him and that will kill me, but I think if we don't get back together its the only way I can make it.

 

I love him so much. We are so good together. My main issue is how do I know if this is just like the other times he said he wanted us to be together and then kept texting and emailing other women. He never slept with them, but I don;t care. It was emotional betrayal. And even if I could trust him, how would ever be able to sleep with him again knowing he has been in love with someone else? I don't know how I could do that. And the last thing is that he makes bad financial decisions, I would need to protect myself from that.

 

If only I did not love him so much.

As for me, I have not been dating, I just can't bring myself to do it. Its like my body only accepts that I go out with him, that I kiss him. I can't go to the movies because I always went with him. I went to the theatre with friends once and just cried for the first half because it felt so weird being there without him holding my hand.

 

I'm a mess. I love this man and I do want him back. But I just don't see how it can work. I want to try, but I just can't risk getting hurt by him again. How can I ever trust him ever again. He was my rock. He never looked at other women. But he changed. Can a man really turn that around, realise what he had was so great and be truly 100% with his wife again after all that? Can the wife ever get over the hurt, the betrayal and the fact he has slept with someone else 'special'?

 

I really need help. Is there a book on how to maximise the chances that you have made the right decision to go back or not? I'm 40. I don't need a man in my life, but if I do want one, I don't want to miss finding someone who is Mr Right for the rest of my life because I gave someone who hurt me so much another chance. I also don't want to be the fool who gave him yet another chance. He says he is getting hep and is going to turn his life around, and prove to me he is changed. I don't know what to do. I feel so alone and sad and confused and lost. How do I find the steps to take to move forward?

[Ronni_W]

Is there a book on how to maximise the chances that you have made the right decision to go back or not? How do I find the steps to take to move forward?

No, there isn't a book (or anything else) that can help you guarantee that any decision that you make is the "right" one. (Though, I agree -- that really would be so nice to have, sometimes!)

But. It is sort of left up to our own intuition and best common sense to assess and determine what is the best thing for us to do for ourselves, at any given time, in any given situation.

 

What steps have you taken for yourself, already? Have you looked for a separation/divorce support group in your area? A counselor/therapist who specializes in helping people through such a life transition? A book, workshop or course on loss & grieving, stress management, or emotional healing?

Any one of these would be a good place for you to start.

 

I noticed that you often mentioned in your post that you love him, and how much you love him. Have you answered (to yourself) exactly what you mean when you say that? Is it a concept, are they feelings? How would you describe the concept and the feelings to someone else?

 

It's sort of a "sentence completion" exercise: "When I say that I love him so much, what I mean is ________ ." And keep writing out sentences until you have exhausted your entire "love" vocabulary. It is therapeutic as it may (if you stick with it, most often will) bring something new, about your situation, into your conscious awareness.

 

For me, such an exercise really helps to bring clarity and/or learn something new about how my own thoughts/beliefs are encouraging (or discouraging) me. All I have to do is make the effort to find different words for the old sentences that I automatically (obsessively?) just keep repeating to myself.

 

Sending hugs and best of luck.

[RainbowBlue]

Thank you Ronnie. I will definitely try that exercise and apply it to other aspects of my thoughts as well. I can see how that will assist with clarity. Australia is not as say the U.S in terms of support groups. We do have them and we have counselling of course, but not as much as in the U.S. I have tried three counsellors and they were all dreadful. A friend has recommended a lady so I might try her. I do need help just to cope with everything. I know I am so affected by this because the breakup was a couple of years coming and now has been 6 months and its taking its toll on me. If I was to seriously consider reconciling with him we would need couples counselling. I just don't know if I want to even go down that road. I know I do, but I don't. Am I just in love with the idea of what he had that is now gone? Is it just because I was with him my entire adult life? Is he capable of really stopping wanting other women? He means it now, but how long will that last? Urgh!

[CastingPearls]

I was married for 25 years to my high school sweetheart. We were good friends and remain so to this day, but I had to divorce him over drinking, gambling and infidelity issues. He has very little self control, and often becomes weepy and remorseful about his "f-ed up life". I have been sympathetic in the past and tried to forgive and forget, but I had to get away from him. I think for the most part he really likes his life the way it is now, but whenever he is in trouble or depressed, or just feeling sorry for himself, he calls.

 

Don't let yourself get caught up in a cycle of manipulation and lies. Get some distance so you can really see what's happening here. It's very clear to me that my ex would like me to be there to help when he is short on cash, or his parents are ill and need help, or his latest girlfriend dumped him. He is always very charming and will say he should have appreciated our relationship more and wishes it hadn't ended. (but we never speak of how his behavior ended it.)

 

I have been living independently for a while, and it sure beats playing detective, mommy and advisor to someone who couldn't keep himself out of trouble. I do miss the good times we had, but you can lose yourself in someone elses problems, and you'll exhaust yourself trying to help him when he really won't help himself. Watch his actions, don't listen to the words, and save yourself a lot of misery. If someone loves you, they don't want you to be unhappy.

[RainbowBlue]

I have been living independently for a while, and it sure beats playing detective, mommy and advisor to someone who couldn't keep himself out of trouble. I do miss the good times we had, but you can lose yourself in someone elses problems, and you'll exhaust yourself trying to help him when he really won't help himself.

 

Thats exactly right! I do not want that. He knows that. I know that. He says he will sort out his ***ed up self and life, he knows its his only chance of getting a reconciliation. In the meantime I have not made a decision and will not do so lightly or easily. Its so hard to love a ****ed up man. You must have found alot of strength through your pain - you are an inspiration. I think the thing going for me is I am ok to be me, with a man or not. I do not need a man.

 

With our relationship breaking down, you see he was going through intense stress financially. And also about 10 years ago I had a fling with a guy at work. We would fly from Melbourne to Sydney for weeks, coming back on weekends and we developed a relationship. I never loved him and I told him I would never leave my husband for him. But I felt some strong attraction to him. He gave me so much flattering attention, telling me I was so beautiful and so wonderful. We went out to restaurant, played pool, went for walks along beautiful Sydney harbour, it was really great. And yes there was online chat and emails and it was all completely inappropriate and a betrayal to my husband. I never had sex with him but it was wrong. I can't believe I did that. Maybe it was inevitable in a way since I work in a male dominated environment. My husband found out when using my computer one day. I broke off the 'relationship' with the other guy immediately. He was really good about it. He ended up leaving the company a short while later and we have not kept in touch. I learned then how much my marriage meant to me and it took a year for the intense pain of my betrayal for my husband to get ok enough for us to be ok again. I learned to not ever flirt, to recognise the signs of interest of a guy in me and to shut down any hope of possibility of a bit of fun for me, because I learned how easily it can go too far. So what I am saying is that I know what it is to be wrong, to do something that is not what I thought was 'me', to betray someone you love more than anything. Unless you have been in that situation there is no way to actually understand it.

 

We are human, we are fallible. My husband and I got through that. Why can't we get through this?

[Caitlan]

You've given him multiple chances to make this work and each time he has cheated on you. Whether he met these women or not it was emotional cheating. You also say he said he cheated because he was stressed. So if he is stressed again... will he cheat again?

 

Sadly, I'd say that the chances of him doing this again are really high. He knows you keep taking him back so he knows that if he starts cheating again and you break up again, that you will most likely let him back in again. I have to wonder if he has been cheating even before he lost his business and you just now are finding out.

 

I'd let him go completely and move on with your life. You never can get over someone if you have feelings and still keep ties with them. You can't be friends ... you just have to let him go.

 

He sounds like a high risk. Let him go and don't wake up at 50 and look back at all the years you wasted on a man that can't be loyal to you and cheats.