xpaperxcutx Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Anyone ever feel like they have their life/relationship progress written on paper? Like if you don't follow certain guidelines set out for you, you're doomed? One of my distant cousins is getting married this month to her bf of 2 years. Her parents are relieved to know that she was finally getting married since she's already in her late 20s. Even though they never voiced their opinions in my cousin's personal life, it was fairly obvious that for a while they were concerned whether she was going to be married. Especially since they're very traditional, they're secretly hoping to have grandkids. So it's expected for my cousin to get pregnant in the next two years before she was too old to raise a child. Yes, it would be weird if she has a child in her mid thirties because her family is very traditional, and normally most girls are expected to be married in their mid 20s, with child early 30s. So were she not to get married this month, she would've gotten married in her early 30s and a child late 30s. To me, it seems like she's following a guideline. I know because it's happened to another cousin of mine, who was married at 24, and a baby at 25. It's like marriage and having children is always expected, and as long as every female follows this expected chronology of life, then all's well with the world.
Enema Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 There's a lot of pressure from my in-law's to have children asap as my wife and I are 28. I never really understood the desire to have children. My life is about me and having children stops me focusing on me. I'm quite easily able to say to the in-law's, "No, not going to happen". But they still bring it up every time we visit. My in-laws are from Laos and I get the impression that the pressure to have children is stronger in asian cultures. Have kids, kids take care of you when you're old kind of setup.
Green Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I don't feel that way, I'll get married only if I want 2
Jilly Bean Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Anyone ever feel like they have their life/relationship progress written on paper? Like if you don't follow certain guidelines set out for you, you're doomed? Funny, you should ask. I spoke with Nana today (she's 96). And got the speech about having kids again. Though everyone pins it on someone else. Nana says my Mom wants them, Mom says Dad wants them, etc. Im already shunned for not being down with the breeding thing... Im OK with it!
Green Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Funny, you should ask. I spoke with Nana today (she's 96). And got the speech about having kids again. Though everyone pins it on someone else. Nana says my Mom wants them, Mom says Dad wants them, etc. Im already shunned for not being down with the breeding thing... Im OK with it! says the hot spinster
D-Lish Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I follwed the picket fence dream... felt like I needed to be married before 30, have kids, start my life. The problem with that was- I essentially ended up marrying the wrong person because of the pressure. Now- I am divorced, childless.... but admittedly, happier.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I am letting go of that traditional model, which I used to think I wanted. I am also beginning to cool on the idea of kids. So many of my friends who have them are just not happy. I think the old model is outdated and clearly not working in most cases anymore. Society has changed drastically since our parents' day, and we can't ever go back.
Geishawhelk Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 "Wanted. Couple to raise one or more children from birth and be prepared to invest at least a quarter of a million dollars of their own hard-earned money, per child, in clothing, food, shelter, education, amusement and general living expenses. No holidays, no salary (in fact, you'll be doing the paying out) no overtime, very few perks. Must be able to cook, drive, nurse, teach, negotiate and have a will of iron and steadfast principles. Sense of Humour essential. Cast-iron back an advantage. Patience a pre-requisite. Love would also be a requirement, but please know that all these attributes will be stretched, challenged and questioned repeatedly, and increasingly as time passes. Demands will be made upon you 24/7. This is a full-time post, requiring 100% commitment. Job duration: A lifetime. Though it will seem longer than that. Applicants should come to the interview with no CV, no previous experience and absolutely no expectations of a fruitful and positive career. Rose-tinted spectacles may help." Would you apply for this job, if it appeared in a paper....?
lovestruck818 Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Anyone ever feel like they have their life/relationship progress written on paper? Like if you don't follow certain guidelines set out for you, you're doomed? One of my distant cousins is getting married this month to her bf of 2 years. Her parents are relieved to know that she was finally getting married since she's already in her late 20s. Even though they never voiced their opinions in my cousin's personal life, it was fairly obvious that for a while they were concerned whether she was going to be married. Especially since they're very traditional, they're secretly hoping to have grandkids. So it's expected for my cousin to get pregnant in the next two years before she was too old to raise a child. Yes, it would be weird if she has a child in her mid thirties because her family is very traditional, and normally most girls are expected to be married in their mid 20s, with child early 30s. So were she not to get married this month, she would've gotten married in her early 30s and a child late 30s. To me, it seems like she's following a guideline. I know because it's happened to another cousin of mine, who was married at 24, and a baby at 25. It's like marriage and having children is always expected, and as long as every female follows this expected chronology of life, then all's well with the world. I feel like society on the whole looks down on unmarried people. There is nothing wrong with someone who doesn't get married- sometimes they don't want to, other times they just can't find someone to love enough. Whatever it is, everyone has their own agenda...and while it's great that your cousin did find that eternal bond, she should and needs to live her life for her and not worry about what her parents want or think. Did I have a different life planned out for me? yes, but life doesn't always work out as planned and I had to make adjustments in life to become happy. I am 26 and i did think and hope that by now I would be married. But I no longer know that's a possibly and I have focused myself on other aspects of my life...my job and my house...and just trying to be the best person I can be. With life, there is no right or wrong. It's for you to live your own way and that's the beauty of it.
Scottdmw Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Every single one of our ancestors worked their entire lives to build the civilization we have today, and in a few generations should we tear it down by choosing to not have children? Do you ever stop to think about how much is given to you by those who came before? Everything that exists in the world before you enter it? I just don't see how it's okay to take all that our ancestors gave us and say, "we're going to party and use it all up, and after us there will be nothing." If everyone made that decision, there literally would be no human race left. It seems like a profoundly selfish decision to me. What will actually happen of course is that some people, and especially some cultures, will choose to have children, and they will inherit the future of the human race thereby. I think it will be a future where everybody wants to have children, because that's the only kind of people that will be around by then. Meanwhile, all that your parents, grandparents, and on back were, all their love and struggle and success, will be gone. But heck, it's your choice. You may find it profoundly unfair that women "must" have children, but that's the only way civilization goes on. If women (and men) choose not to, it won't.
Treasa Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I dunno. I ignore all that crap. I'm 33, been with my boyfriend for 4+ years, and don't really have a desire to get married OR have kids. My family doesn't really hassle me about it, either. My great aunt, who unfortunately just passed away, didn't get married until she was 38. She had her first child at 40, and had three more after that! She was awesome. She didn't believe in getting married just to get married, and because of it, she and her husband lived a long life together. He, unfortunately, is now a widower.
Treasa Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Every single one of our ancestors worked their entire lives to build the civilization we have today, and in a few generations should we tear it down by choosing to not have children? Do you ever stop to think about how much is given to you by those who came before? Everything that exists in the world before you enter it? I just don't see how it's okay to take all that our ancestors gave us and say, "we're going to party and use it all up, and after us there will be nothing." If everyone made that decision, there literally would be no human race left. It seems like a profoundly selfish decision to me. What will actually happen of course is that some people, and especially some cultures, will choose to have children, and they will inherit the future of the human race thereby. I think it will be a future where everybody wants to have children, because that's the only kind of people that will be around by then. Meanwhile, all that your parents, grandparents, and on back were, all their love and struggle and success, will be gone. But heck, it's your choice. You may find it profoundly unfair that women "must" have children, but that's the only way civilization goes on. If women (and men) choose not to, it won't. Er, your thinking is flawed. It's not like people who have kids ONLY have kids who also want to have children. Every person who doesn't want to have kids was born from someone who did, or who at least had kids, you know? There will forever be people who don't want to have kids. Given that the world is practically exploding, population-wise, I also don't think it's true that we're going to die out because some people don't want kids. It's almost mathematically impossible. For the record, how is it selfish and "using it all up" to say, "I don't want to have kids, but I'm instead going to contribute to the world in other ways"? Aren't I using less resources if I don't have children? Can't I still make positive contributions to peoples' lives even if I don't pop them out of my hooha? Are you saying that people who don't have kids don't leave a positive impact on the world?
Scottdmw Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 The thing that has changed is effective contraception. It used to be that whether people wanted kids or not, they had them because they wanted to have sex. Now they can have sex and not have kids. It's going to take the system some time to adjust, but adjust it will. Darwin isn't kind to any living thing that doesn't reproduce. Honestly, how many people today who choose to go childless would make the same decision if it meant being celibate too? What I'm saying is we're going to be left with the people who actively _want_ children just like everyone wants sex, now that the two are separate. The world is experiencing population growth in the cultures that encourage children. Cultures like ours are shrinking--the US only has positive growth because of immigration. Western Europe is dying and will likely be taken over by immigrants. I'm not necessarily against the immigrants, I just think it's a foolish thing for a culture to do. You can still make a positive contribution without having kids, of course. But, if no one has kids all these positive contributions aren't going to amount to anything. Having a child is to my mind the single largest contribution just about anyone makes to the future, to what is going to exist in 50 years. Anything you do career-wise pales in comparison, unless you really do something large like revolutionize a technology or create a master work of art or something like that. Even those kinds of things wouldn't matter much if everyone decided not to have kids. Having kids is awfully important and I think our culture totally undervalues it in favor of material success and status.
Eve Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I had my children young and I am glad that this is how things worked for me. I still get pangs every now and then to have more children but I can control them. I say wait until you get the pangs. Maybe they will come, maybe they wont. I think that the national average to get married in the UK is 27. Personally I think that many people follow the example of their friends and follow suit. I have advised both of my daughters to not get married before they are 25 because I feel that this is a landmark age and a lot of ones perceptions change around this age. Still, they know that I will support them if they find love at a young age. If I were you, I wouldnt worry about it. I think you are doing the right thing by sticking up for yourself when family members nag at you. Just treat them well because they could give you some wisdom in amongst their rattlings. The older generation do have a lot of wisdom. Personally I think it a mistake to wait too long if a person is going to have children due to the sheer enormity of it all eating up too much of ones life. For example, have kids aged 37, no peace until you are say 57. That would really irritate me. BUT, you know you best .. but do consider all matters carefully. Also, it is ok if you do not want to have children. Children can make or break a woman and really it is a very difficult thing to do mainly because it can make a woman very vulnerable. All the best within your musings and your life, Eve xx
fral945 Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 It's like marriage and having children is always expected, and as long as every female follows this expected chronology of life, then all's well with the world. The important question is: why are you worried? Are you being pressured? Other people are having children, keeping the world populated. If you don't want children, that's perfectly fine. Your life will go on if you never get married or have kids. Plus, if you decide later you want kids, you could always adopt.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 It seems like a profoundly selfish decision to me. People have children for selfish reasons, too: - to have someone to love - to have someone to take care of them when they get old - to give their life meaning - to do what is expected of them - to pass on their knowledge, intelligence, whatever Pretty much everything people do is for selfish reasons. There will always be plenty of people having plenty of kids, and it wouldn't hurt the planet or its inhabitants to keep the population at a manageable level.
rainfall Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 Whenever I tell people I have been with my bf for 8 years now I can always almost feel them lookling down on me because I am not married. I really don't see why marriage is something you need to do. If you love someone why do you have to be married after a certain number of years to prove it. People also seem to get offended for some reason when I tell them I never plan to have children. They look at me like I have a second head or just said something offensive. There are plently of people in this world who want children and the fact that I don't really shouldn't bother anyone else.
Ariadne Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 It's like marriage and having children is always expected, and as long as every female follows this expected chronology of life, then all's well with the world. I think it should be paid more attention to. In the old times it was everyone's business if some girl was getting older and was not engaged. Everyone in the family tried to set her up, and the society revolved around providing opportunities and forming couples. The idea was to be married and having children before the age of 30. Nowadays, the main concern is to go to college and get an education. Who cares if you ever date even. What has created suffering, is that the child bearing age is the same as it was since the beginning of time.
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