Ruby Slippers Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 If this forum is any indication, there are plenty of women perfectly happy to have no sex at all, so I can't imagine it would be a problem to find one of them. I know some women who say they can take it or leave it. I think they're crazy, but to each her own.
Lishy Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 It is probably the tablets that have taken any sexual drive you have I think you are going to struggle to get a girl who is happy with that arrangement. Oh dear!
V.Vixen Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 If this forum is any indication, there are plenty of women perfectly happy to have no sex at all, so I can't imagine it would be a problem to find one of them. I know some women who say they can take it or leave it. I think they're crazy, but to each her own. Really? I don't know many who would be ok with never having sex when in a relationship. OP, do you at least enjoy other forms of intimacy? Do you like to kiss, hug, cuddle,spoon etc?
jadedone Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I'm no expert, but I have listened to Loveline with Dr. Drew a few times, and this is NOT normal. This sounds like fear. Fear of sexual performance. The fear of not being able to satisfy a woman sexually. OP, needs some form of therapy. Letting a gf have a FWB on the side will not help, she will eventually build a stronger connection to that guy and dump you.
You'reasian Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Jimmy, you're in a unique position as a man who has his sexual desires under control - an area that lots of guys have problems with. There's nothing wrong with this. Look at the exact opposite scenario - a man who cannot control his sexual desires and the problems that it can create. The obvious advantage of this is that you can wait until you are in love (or married) before you give it up. That's a plus for long-term relationships but an obvious negative for dating. Good on you.
Angel1111 Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I'm no expert, but I have listened to Loveline with Dr. Drew a few times, and this is NOT normal. This sounds like fear. Fear of sexual performance. The fear of not being able to satisfy a woman sexually. OP, needs some form of therapy. Letting a gf have a FWB on the side will not help, she will eventually build a stronger connection to that guy and dump you. It reminds me of that movie that Ryan Gosling was in, "Lars and the Real Girl". Probably something jimmy08 should watch.
padparadscha Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 Funny I used to be like this. However, I was raped and decided I wanted sex only as a punishment, but not as a form or intimacy. Later I found what I thought was love. I was with a man for 6 years. We made love once a week. I truly thought I was doing something, because he was okay with it. Turns out he was living with another woman for 2 of the six years we were together. Although he spent his days with me, his late evenings were getting sexually satisfied by her. When I found out I was devistated. I began having sex with him four and five times a week and craving it. However, he was so involved with her, I became his second woman. So I let him go. He wanted to remain friends forever and I realized I couldn't. It was because I was never his friend. I loved him. I needed him. I wanted to be the one making love to him and I wanted us to be together forever, but my mistake was not: a. Living with him or making it comfortable for him to ask for my hand in marriage. b. Satisfying him sexually c. Thinking that he was okay with sex once a week. I lost him because I could not be the other woman. I could not bare to know he loved two women. I let go and realized never again will I ever be so afraid to be intimate with someone I love. Because when it was a little too late, I became a sex craved maniac!!!! I wanted my man.
Author jimmy08 Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 I'm no expert, but I have listened to Loveline with Dr. Drew a few times, and this is NOT normal. This sounds like fear. Fear of sexual performance. The fear of not being able to satisfy a woman sexually. OP, needs some form of therapy. Letting a gf have a FWB on the side will not help, she will eventually build a stronger connection to that guy and dump you. Maybe so but if she has a kid by him then it won't be my problem to financially support her. Also most FWB relationships do not lead to a happily ever after relationship. They usually end in pain. If sex is the only connection she has with this guy and has nothing else in common with him then it cannot progress beyond sex. Sex alone cannot get a relationship off the ground. Just read all the threads about how it's not a good idea to take the path of FWB. If I were in a position of wanting a FWB relationship most of the posters would predict doom and gloom for me. By the way which will turn women off faster? A man who can't control his sexual desires and is sexually needy or a man who has no desire to have sex with her at all? Anyway I think telling her that I'm ok with her finding a FWB on the side is a good compromise. I'm not asking her to compromise her basic need for sex. I'm just saying get it from someone else and keep the relationship with me. Now if during the course of the relationship I find myself getting jealous that she's sleeping with another man then it's not like I'm forced to stay in the relationship. I'm free to end it at anytime.
FotoGrl Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 In my opinion, sex is what separates a friendship from a relationship. I am a sexual person, and am not ok with a sexless long term relationship. It is human nature that when you like someone in that way, you have sexual desires to be intimate with them.Yup. Sign my name to that. I left a marriage because of a lack of sex. I will not give up that part of myself for someone who thinks it's ok to have a relationship living as roommates. .
Geishawhelk Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 ...By the way which will turn women off faster? A man who can't control his sexual desires and is sexually needy or a man who has no desire to have sex with her at all? It depends on her own sex drive, but both are equally frustrating. been in both situations and it' not pleasant. ......I'm not asking her to compromise her basic need for sex. I'm just saying get it from someone else and keep the relationship with me. .... if .... I find myself getting jealous .....then it's not like I'm forced to stay in the relationship. I'm free to end it at anytime. This is like not having your cake, and not eating it too...I suppose.... I'm glad you've got it all worked out. Now find a lady who's very happy to comply!
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Maybe so but if she has a kid by him then it won't be my problem to financially support her. Also most FWB relationships do not lead to a happily ever after relationship. They usually end in pain. Just read all the threads about how it's not a good idea to take the path of FWB. If I were in a position of wanting a FWB relationship most of the posters would predict doom and gloom for me. So in the beginning of this thread, you stated that you would like a girlfriend without the sex. You say it is just fine for her to have FWB.. But in the above quotation, you are stating the reasons why FWB's are not healthy. How can you claim to want a girlfriend to love and care about when you will willingly forsake her of a natural human need only to satisfy this need in an unhealthy way? Doesn't that sound a little selfish to you? I highly suggest you do two things. 1. See a doctor and figure out if there is a physical basis for the lack of sex drive. See a therapist, if need be. Figure it out, because it is going to be very difficult to find the kind of relationship you are looking for. Plus, you are missing out on one of the great joys of being alive. 2. If you are TRULY comfortable with your lack of sexual life, then find an online group for asexuals. I saw a shoe on this once- 20/20 or Dateline or something like that. They interviewed people who considered themselves asexual. There was one couple who married and remained sexless and happy with that. Another couple were in a long term relationship, but only have sex about once a month or two.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 oops, I saw a SHOW about asexuals, not a SHOE
FotoGrl Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 ......I'm not asking her to compromise her basic need for sex. I'm just saying get it from someone else and keep the relationship with me.So you get to have everything you want and she gets ... the leftovers? *beep* Sorry. Thanks for playing. Better luck next time. Seriously, dude, do you realize how selfish that sounds? For most women sex and emotions are VERY closely interlinked. I cannot love someone and not want to have sex with them. I cannot have sex with someone w/out having an emotional connection to them - doesn't mean I have to be in love with them, but I do have to care about them and feel emotionally connected. You just don't get to have your cake and eat it too, here. .
Walk Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 You said sex wasn't enjoyable. Can you explain that a little further? What's the main thing that pops to your mind when you think of sex with someone you're in a relationship with? I have a hypothesis that maybe your lack of desire for sex has more to do with the uncomfortable feelings you experience, then an actual lack of desire for sex. I agree with the other posters who suggested counseling. Most (majority) of women link love and sex. Your FWB theory has a high fail rate right from the get-go. You'd be even more hurt going with the fwb path, then you would be if you had the female friend who complained about her bf from time to time. You're desire to abstain from sex could potentially be acceptable to some women IF you didn't masturbate. But since you masturbate, it is interpreted (by most people) that you do have a desire... but that you aren't finding the woman your with desirable. You might as well tell a gf that she's too ugly to have sex with at that point. Basically what would kill any relationship like that is the idea that the woman can not satisfy you on a base level. And any need that a person has is called that because it HAS to be fulfilled. If whatever woman is in your life is not the one fulfilling it, then she's going to assume that someone can/will/is. wait.. this is all about power, isn't it. You don't want her to have that kind of power over you. You can't accept that can you? Letting yourself go, completely at her mercy. No defenses.
Author jimmy08 Posted October 13, 2008 Author Posted October 13, 2008 What if I change my mind after dating an asexual woman? That's what I'm afraid of. Dating her for 3 years and then changing my mind and deciding I want a sexual relationship.
Author jimmy08 Posted October 13, 2008 Author Posted October 13, 2008 I guess all this would be fine except that you seem to place blame on other people because they don't want to compromise one of the most basic things in a relationship. What you're asking of people is totally unrealistic. I don't even understand why you want to get married. Just stay single - what's the deal? It's way less complicated than being in a relationship, that's for sure. And if sex is boring to you, then avoid it. But I can assure you, the majority of people out there don't feel that way. But if you're really intent on this mission, then put an ad up and make sure this is understood before ever beginning a relationship. But you'll definitely be in the danger zone with that relationship if your desire for sex ever kicks back in. If you're on medication, then that's probably what's killing your sex drive. You're most likely extremely depressed and find little joy in life all the way around. I don't think you have your depression under control but if you don't want to do anything about it - or if it can't be controlled - try not to blame other people for having desires. I have my depression under control enough where it counts. Like I said I can still perform normally at the workplace. If I couldn't perform my job anymore then yes I would be forced to take medication. I'm not on any by the way. I have no desire to stay single either. There's other reasons for getting into a relationship that having nothing to do with sex. If sex is the only thing separating a friendship from a relationship then what you have is a FWB relationship. You might as well call it a FWB because according to you sex is the only reason a person should be dating.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 I have my depression under control enough where it counts. Like I said I can still perform normally at the workplace. If I couldn't perform my job anymore then yes I would be forced to take medication. I'm not on any by the way. I have no desire to stay single either. There's other reasons for getting into a relationship that having nothing to do with sex. If sex is the only thing separating a friendship from a relationship then what you have is a FWB relationship. You might as well call it a FWB because according to you sex is the only reason a person should be dating. Jimmy, did you read her question?
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 Which question? Sorry, I got a little confused there for a minute. DonnaMaybe asked if you had considered that you might be gay. You have a sex drive, since you masturbate. Apparently you started a thread about anal sex. You have no desire for sex with a woman. She has a point. I'm not saying you are gay or not gay. I don't know, only you do. Sometimes people have feelings which they cannot face. Maybe they have a religious background that forbids it, or they fear rejection from their families. Is this you, by any chance? You don't have to answer the question here on LS if if makes you feel too uncomfortable, but should you be asking yourself this question?
orangehose Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 I agree with the others that depression / medication effects need to be ruled out, and then the OP's possible asexuality or homosexuality should be further explored. If you are indeed asexual, then you should explicitly seek sexless relationships. I actually think it wouldn't be terribly difficult to find a woman who'd agree to that arrangement. There's nothing 'wrong' with not needing sex.
Okeydokey Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 there are many people who are asexual and who have the same desires for emotional relationships, but just don't want the physical intimacy. jimmy - there is even a website with community forums etc. you might be able to find someone who is interested in the kind of relationship you suggest. http://www.asexuality.org/home/
rod_in_gtown Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 No, it does not make you uworthy of love. However, you seem to be looking for the "conventional" type of love without one of the most fundamental basis which is sex. I don't think you should go into a relationship with a woman who likes or even enjoys sex. Maybe a vitcim of sexual abuse could be your ideal partner? Some have pretty high objections against sex altogether. Or maybe date someone who has a serious low to non-existent libido. You say: I want to be in a relationship where there is hope for something moreI don't want to have sex with herI masturbate a lot, it's replaced sex for me.I don't want to marry herI don't want to live with her.I would love it if she lived 10 minutes away and saw each other for the rest of our lives.1 and 4 conflict with each other. Get your story straight. You're either going to have to re-define your concept of "relationship" or have this kind of relationship with a female gay friend.
JamesM Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Take the time, people, to read Jimmy's other threads. Then you will see that it is hardly necessary to advise Jimmy on sex. A couple of days after he started this one, he started one that says he wants anal sex. Go figure.
Lizzie60 Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 So it seems like I'm unworthy of being loved just because I don't desire to get sexually intimate when I'm in a relationship. I've been in 5 long term relationships in my life. Part of the reason they all ended was because I was never ready to take the relationship to a higher level of commitment and sexual intimacy. Having said all of that I'm almost beginning to feel like it's futile of me to even take care of myself. Why? because if I have no desire to be sexually intimate then it doesn't matter whether I'm good looking or not. It doesn't matter whether I can make a woman laugh or not. It does not matter whether I have meaningful intelligent conversations with her or not. In other words it does not matter how well I'm doing as a partner outside of the bedroom if I'm not willing to be sexually intimate with her. I am 28 and the majority of women my age want the relationship to progress to sex eventually. I want an exclusive relationship to last where I don't have to marry the woman nor live with her nor have sex with her. Would I be willing to accept her having a FWB on the side to get her sexual needs met? I'm open minded to it. So am I unworthy to be loved & accepted if I want a relationship without sex? A relationship without sex.. that shouldn't be hard to find.. since a lot of women has lost his libido somewhere during their long-term relationships.. you're probably not looking hard enough..
carhill Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Yes, combining diminished libidos with victims of sexual molestation and abuse (of which women seem to be the common victim) can amount to a large percentage of potentials. The sticky wicket IME is when you get too close emotionally, even without sex, it can remind them of a bad "complete" relationship and, well, then, you're out IMO, better to find a healthy woman and have a complete romantic/sexual relationship with her. Not a completely sane choice but what one in life is
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