jimmy08 Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 So it seems like I'm unworthy of being loved just because I don't desire to get sexually intimate when I'm in a relationship. I've been in 5 long term relationships in my life. Part of the reason they all ended was because I was never ready to take the relationship to a higher level of commitment and sexual intimacy. Having said all of that I'm almost beginning to feel like it's futile of me to even take care of myself. Why? because if I have no desire to be sexually intimate then it doesn't matter whether I'm good looking or not. It doesn't matter whether I can make a woman laugh or not. It does not matter whether I have meaningful intelligent conversations with her or not. In other words it does not matter how well I'm doing as a partner outside of the bedroom if I'm not willing to be sexually intimate with her. I am 28 and the majority of women my age want the relationship to progress to sex eventually. I want an exclusive relationship to last where I don't have to marry the woman nor live with her nor have sex with her. Would I be willing to accept her having a FWB on the side to get her sexual needs met? I'm open minded to it. So am I unworthy to be loved & accepted if I want a relationship without sex?
Angel1111 Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I don't think it has anything to do with whether you're worthy or not, but you're expecting people to go against their most basic instinct. It's only natural that when a relationship progresses, or when people share strong chemistry, sex is the next step because it increases intimacy and enhances the relationship. In truth, sex is the one thing that separates romantic relationships from all other relationships. If you want a sexless relationship, you just need to recognize that this is going to be like looking for a needle in a haystack. Not many people are going to want this. What's the reason you don't want sex, anyway?
D-Lish Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 You're going to have a hard time finding a relationship like that. It seems all about your wants and your needs. Most relationships work on a more reciprocal level. If it's sporadic companionship without co-habitation, marriage or sex that you want- buy a dog.
amymarieca Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 If you want a relationship that doesn't involve marriage, cohabitation, or sex, then to be honest, you won't find much more than just a friend. Sex is an expression of love to another person. It is what divides the two of you from the rest of the world. It is something you only share with each other. You can't really expect much from a person if you eliminate a very important part of a relationship.
xpaperxcutx Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Most likely not. Unless you enter a monastery and become a priest. Then you're celibate and in a lasting relationship with God. Why is it that you don't want sex? You want a relationship without any of the responsibilities in it, sounds pretty selfish to me. Might as well just be alone for the rest of your life.
Trialbyfire Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I agree that it's friendship you're seeking. If so, why not find female friends? There are plenty of women looking for great male friends. I have some wonderful male friends who I've known since highschool. That they're primarily married to my close female friends, makes it all the better since there's a strong element of trust. Wanting anything further would be like wanting to be romantically attached to one of my brothers. NO THANKS!
Enema Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 If you want a relationship without sex you should get married. http://www.instantrimshot.com
xpaperxcutx Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 If you want a relationship without sex you should get married. www.instantrimshot.com :lmao:
sunshinegirl Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Have you considered the possibility that you might be sexually attracted to men and not women? Another possibility - perhaps you're asexual. If so, you may be able to find communities, online or in real life, of other asexuals (try googling the term). You'd have a better chance of finding the companionship you want from within this group than your average Joe/Jane on the street.
V.Vixen Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I , myself, have been in a dating situation with a man like you. I realllly like/liked him, but he does not plan on having sex for a long time, if ever before marriage. I have everything that you described,with my friends. We laugh, we have great times together, I even sleep in my best friend's bed sometimes after a night out. In my opinion, sex is what separates a friendship from a relationship. I am a sexual person, and am not ok with a sexless long term relationship. It is human nature that when you like someone in that way, you have sexual desires to be intimate with them. A very personal question for you: do you have any sexual issues that you can speak of, such as abuse in your past? Or, perhaps, would you just consider yourself asexual? Either way, why don't you just have very close friends, that way the sex isn't expected on the other person's part?
Author jimmy08 Posted October 10, 2008 Author Posted October 10, 2008 Friendship with the opposite sex is not an option for me unless there is hope of something more. For one thing I don't want to be the friend that she calls while she has a fight with her boyfriend. I'd rather her keep a relationship with me and let her find a FWB. There's other benefits I'll miss out on if I'm just her friend. A friendship wouldn't work for me since I'll receive nothing but torture when I hear about her new boyfriend. I don't want to hear about the boyfriend. But google search for asexuals is a good idea. I'm not gay. I don't think I'm asexual since I masturbate so much. Masturbation has become the replacement for sex. To be honest sex just doesn't do anything for me. I don't get much pleasure out of it and it's just plain boring. So I stopped having sex 6 years ago. I can go another 6 years without it.
Author jimmy08 Posted October 10, 2008 Author Posted October 10, 2008 You're going to have a hard time finding a relationship like that. It seems all about your wants and your needs. Most relationships work on a more reciprocal level. If it's sporadic companionship without co-habitation, marriage or sex that you want- buy a dog. No it's not all about my wants and needs. I try to compromise in other areas. For example I don't want a woman to cook for me at all. I'd rather do most of the cooking. I'm very flexible when it comes to household chores. I can only hope and pray that the woman I end up having a LTR with will not be attracted to me in a sexual way. That way the sexual compatibility won't be an issue. Then again she will dump me because she's not attracted to me that way. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. If she likes me in a sexual way she'll dump me for not giving it to her. If she does not like me in that way she'll dump me because she won't stay with someone she's not attracted to. The type of relationship I want is where we live 10 minutes away from each other but I get to see her 3 to 4 times per week for the rest of my life.
sweetbutcheeky Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I want an exclusive relationship to last where I don't have to marry the woman nor live with her nor have sex with her. Would I be willing to accept her having a FWB on the side to get her sexual needs met? Isn't that a female friend? Do you wonder why you don't have the desire?
Author jimmy08 Posted October 10, 2008 Author Posted October 10, 2008 Isn't that a female friend? Do you wonder why you don't have the desire? Well I do have chronic depression. So I don't know if that has anything to do with it. I manage to keep it under control though. I can function normally at my job and with other aspects of my life.
nymoozle Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Well I do have chronic depression. So I don't know if that has anything to do with it. I manage to keep it under control though. I can function normally at my job and with other aspects of my life. Ah, depression. Yes, that almost certainly has something to do with it. See this article, for example: http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/depressrelation.htm
Geishawhelk Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 To be honest with you Jimmy, because sex is an inbuilt instinct every human has, there is definitely a block in your mentality about this. What you are asking is an impossibility, unless you find a committed woman who feels exactly as you do. And that, as has been pointed out is needle-and-haystack. The question comes why you really don't want this kind or a relationship. And although some have put forward theories (assexuality, depression) I believe you would benefit a great deal from trying to psychologically get to the bottom of this. I have two friends who suffer from Chronic depression. One is bi-polar. Both have what one would term a healthy sex-drive. Both are on controlled and monitored medication. When one of them decided to come off their meds, they suffered a plummetting libido. If you are on prescribed medication, I hope you're taking it. If you have a counsellor for your depression, I would sincerely broach the subject. It's not what you feel right now, but deprivation of a sex life makes you "incomplete". Try to get to the bottom of it. I think it would be interesting for you and would clarify things in your mind. I have asked you no questions, but have tried to respect your boundaries and at the same time offer an angle of perception. But as things stand for you at the moment, all I see and hear is lament, confusion and loneliness. And that's a shame, because you seem like a very nice person.
Konfuzion Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I found you the perfect woman.. here Sex a 'hassle,' says 105-year-old virgin 10th October 2008, 18:43 WST A British virgin who celebrated her 105th birthday this week said the secret to long life was celibacy, adding that she imagined sex was a "lot of hassle".Clara Meadmore, who marked her birthday with a drop of wine at the Perran Bay nursing home in Cornwall, south-west England, also received a card from Queen Elizabeth II. "People have asked me whether I am a homosexual and the answer is no," Meadmore said. "I have just never been interested in sex. "I imagine there is a lot of hassle involved and I have always been busy doing other things." Born in Glasgow, Scotland, in 1903, Meadmore lived in Canada and New Zealand as a child before returning to Britain in her 20s to work as a secretary and housekeeper. She served with the army in Egypt during World War II, and subsequently lived in London and New Zealand before retiring 40 years ago in Cornwall. AFP
Angel1111 Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I guess all this would be fine except that you seem to place blame on other people because they don't want to compromise one of the most basic things in a relationship. What you're asking of people is totally unrealistic. I don't even understand why you want to get married. Just stay single - what's the deal? It's way less complicated than being in a relationship, that's for sure. And if sex is boring to you, then avoid it. But I can assure you, the majority of people out there don't feel that way. But if you're really intent on this mission, then put an ad up and make sure this is understood before ever beginning a relationship. But you'll definitely be in the danger zone with that relationship if your desire for sex ever kicks back in. If you're on medication, then that's probably what's killing your sex drive. You're most likely extremely depressed and find little joy in life all the way around. I don't think you have your depression under control but if you don't want to do anything about it - or if it can't be controlled - try not to blame other people for having desires.
Stockalone Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I have two friends who suffer from Chronic depression. One is bi-polar. Both have what one would term a healthy sex-drive. Both are on controlled and monitored medication. When one of them decided to come off their meds, they suffered a plummetting libido. He said that he does masturbate, so it's not like his libido has vanished. But google search for asexuals is a good idea. I'm not gay. I don't think I'm asexual since I masturbate so much. Masturbation has become the replacement for sex. To be honest sex just doesn't do anything for me. I don't get much pleasure out of it and it's just plain boring. So I stopped having sex 6 years ago. I can go another 6 years without it. You said you seek love. Having sex is a part of that love. At least for me it is. It creates a bond and is a the most intimate way of connecting with and expressing that love you feel. If I masturbate, there is nothing beyond the physical relieve. But when I love a woman and have sex with her, there is a far more lasting and satisfying emotional gratification to it. As someone who hasn't had sex for a couple of years, I understand that masturbation can substitute sex if it has to. It's not like we men die without sex. What I don't understand is why you wouldn't want to have sex at all. From what you wrote, masturbation hasn't become the replacement because sex is not available, but it sounds like masturbation is easier (even better?) than sex for you. Is sex the same as masturbation, only physical gratification? No emotional satisfying component to sex?
carhill Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 No emotional satisfying component to sex? This is where clinical depression comes in, IMO. If the OP is clinically depressed, that essential chemical reaction will be altered. IME, it'll just be empty space. It won't matter. That's what I'm hearing here. OP, don't kid yourself. Unless this has been a lifelong "feeling" and you've been evaluated psychologically/medically without a confirmed diagnosis, there's something going on. Get to the bottom of it.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Have you had your testosterone level checked? How old are you? (sorry if I missed that)
KismetGirl Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 So it seems like I'm unworthy of being loved just because I don't desire to get sexually intimate when I'm in a relationship. I've been in 5 long term relationships in my life. Part of the reason they all ended was because I was never ready to take the relationship to a higher level of commitment and sexual intimacy. Having said all of that I'm almost beginning to feel like it's futile of me to even take care of myself. Why? because if I have no desire to be sexually intimate then it doesn't matter whether I'm good looking or not. It doesn't matter whether I can make a woman laugh or not. It does not matter whether I have meaningful intelligent conversations with her or not. In other words it does not matter how well I'm doing as a partner outside of the bedroom if I'm not willing to be sexually intimate with her. I am 28 and the majority of women my age want the relationship to progress to sex eventually. I want an exclusive relationship to last where I don't have to marry the woman nor live with her nor have sex with her. Would I be willing to accept her having a FWB on the side to get her sexual needs met? I'm open minded to it. So am I unworthy to be loved & accepted if I want a relationship without sex? no offense, but you need to learn what a relationship is, because you are obviously unaware or in denial. Having a girl be your friend for a long time does not make you in a long term relationship. Relationships progress to sexual intimacy. When they don't, it's called "being friends"
carhill Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 OP, clarify. Do you eschew all physical intimacy, or just sexual/genital intimacy? IME, strong emotional bonding can result from non-sexual physical intimacy where both parties are sensitive to it. Just want to see where you are in this....
KismetGirl Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Friendship with the opposite sex is not an option for me unless there is hope of something more. For one thing I don't want to be the friend that she calls while she has a fight with her boyfriend. I'd rather her keep a relationship with me and let her find a FWB. There's other benefits I'll miss out on if I'm just her friend. A friendship wouldn't work for me since I'll receive nothing but torture when I hear about her new boyfriend. I don't want to hear about the boyfriend. But google search for asexuals is a good idea. I'm not gay. I don't think I'm asexual since I masturbate so much. Masturbation has become the replacement for sex. To be honest sex just doesn't do anything for me. I don't get much pleasure out of it and it's just plain boring. So I stopped having sex 6 years ago. I can go another 6 years without it. I dont know your history or what not but maybe some abuse in your past makes you feel this way about being with other people. I don't know what you fantasize about when you masturbate, but that might be a good place to start to realize what DOES turn you on....
sweetbutcheeky Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Well I do have chronic depression. So I don't know if that has anything to do with it. I manage to keep it under control though. I can function normally at my job and with other aspects of my life. If it's effecting your sexual desire then maybe it's not under control? Wouldn't you like to desire sex? And have healthy sex in your relationship? So maybe instead of trying to force a type of relationship that isn't natural to most (which is why your long term relationships failed) work on the depression and figuring out why you don't have the desire.
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