Okay this is complicated. Tricky question.

[marriedandsad]

Angie, I am merely stating what it is like around where I live, not women in general. I am sorry you feel like I am attacking you, but I am truly not. I am going on my own personal experience. I know that I grew up being the ugly duckling and got beat up on the school bus, had my hair ripped out once the girls bathroom. I saw these girls at our school reunion, I did ask them why they were so mean to me, their response "Because back then we could.". Doesn't that make you wonder? At one point I had to eat my lunch in the bathroom because if I went into the lunchroom, girls wouldn't let me sit with them. I was so shy and that was just a knock down the totem pole. One time I asked one of my friends why I was picked on, she told me it was because I had a larger chest and the girls all thought I stuffed. That was so not true. I even duct taped my breasts down at one point just to "fit in". Females in general can be pretty darn cruel.

 

As for heavier women being more sexually assertive. Not for me. Men saw me as an easy target. Some men think that just because you're heavy that you will put out for anyone or anything because you can't get it any other way. I wasn't always heavy. When I met my husband I was around 120 pounds, but a few years earlier I was around 290 pounds. When I was thin I could get whomever I wanted for the most part. When I was fat, the scum bags came out in droves. I even dated one who beat me. He told me that because I was so fat, I should be thankful for what I could get. My mother, who is heavy, is going through the same thing.

 

So once more, I am not generalizing, but the women around here do tend to be somewhat catty. Whenever there is an assault, usually the women is the one being arrested because she clawed the face off someone, usually another woman. It's really sad. I'm sure if I moved where there was a larger population, it would be different. But here, I am going on pure life experience.

[marriedandsad]

Your just trying to justify everything by all of this nonsense. Just because a woman gave you bad advice you don't just hang out with men only. You still haven't answered the questions are there any risky emails, and did you meet this man online?

 

NOOOOO there are NO risky e-mails and we met playing a game online as I said. We are merely friends, my husband reads ALL the emails he sends, I usually read them out loud when I get one. And I am not trying to justify. I am trying to explain that not everything is perverse. I feel like I am being made out to be a woman who hates women so much she goes after other's women's men...that is so not the case!!!!

[marriedandsad]

You know, I got my answer earlier about if I needed to worry about being called into court. According to our state laws I cannot. No matter what I say, it's going to hurt someone's feelings. So I am sorry if what I said came out wrong. I'm not trying to rile anybody up. So I am sorry and (((hugs))) for those of you who have been burned by your spouse's "friend". A person who would make a move on another married person is not a friend, and a spouse who would accept that situation and get their thrills that way, well, you can do much better.

[angie2443]

Angie, I am merely stating what it is like around where I live, not women in general. I am sorry you feel like I am attacking you, but I am truly not. I am going on my own personal experience. I know that I grew up being the ugly duckling and got beat up on the school bus, had my hair ripped out once the girls bathroom. I saw these girls at our school reunion, I did ask them why they were so mean to me, their response "Because back then we could.". Doesn't that make you wonder? At one point I had to eat my lunch in the bathroom because if I went into the lunchroom, girls wouldn't let me sit with them. I was so shy and that was just a knock down the totem pole. One time I asked one of my friends why I was picked on, she told me it was because I had a larger chest and the girls all thought I stuffed. That was so not true. I even duct taped my breasts down at one point just to "fit in". Females in general can be pretty darn cruel.

 

As for heavier women being more sexually assertive. Not for me. Men saw me as an easy target. Some men think that just because you're heavy that you will put out for anyone or anything because you can't get it any other way. I wasn't always heavy. When I met my husband I was around 120 pounds, but a few years earlier I was around 290 pounds. When I was thin I could get whomever I wanted for the most part. When I was fat, the scum bags came out in droves. I even dated one who beat me. He told me that because I was so fat, I should be thankful for what I could get. My mother, who is heavy, is going through the same thing.

 

So once more, I am not generalizing, but the women around here do tend to be somewhat catty. Whenever there is an assault, usually the women is the one being arrested because she clawed the face off someone, usually another woman. It's really sad. I'm sure if I moved where there was a larger population, it would be different. But here, I am going on pure life experience.

 

Wow, It is pretty harsh where you live! I've been around, I just never been to a place where women/girls were that viscious. Is there a lot of violence in gereral where you live?

 

As far as the comment about sexual assertiveness, I think what was said was that women who are polyamnorous can get a lot of men because they are sexually assertive. I hope I didn't read that wrong.

 

I hope I'm not getting to personal, but I was wondering if the fast weight gain was due to a medical problem. I had a cousin who gained a large amount of weight and she turned out to be diabetic (I think that was it.). Have you seen a doctor? Again, sorry if it is too personal and you can just ignore it if you want.

[marriedandsad]

I got your response Angie and I wanted to respond. Around here, the pool is small therefore it's claws and nails. We live in the country. And it's very very narrow minded. The friends I had never stuck up for me, they were afraid of becoming the next target. I wouldn't let that happen to others, which is why I got it so bad. If you weren't with them, you were against them.

 

For my weight gain, we are trying to figure it out. In order for me to remain thin I had to remain anorexic. I have borderline personality disorder and PTSD, so I am on some medications that have an impact on weight. I have also been pregnant 4 times in the past 4 years, 3 of those pregnancies were miscarriages. I had some blood tests done and there is no hormonal issues going on, I think part of it is genes. My mom and sister are heavy as well. I have switched over to a vegan diet to try and lose some weight.

 

I admit, sometimes my outlook on life is very skewed. BPD can do that. When I am not on medication I am constantly trying to kill myself. I can be fine then suddenly I am slicing my wrists or overdosing. My husband is a wonderful man to stick by me. Not many others did. His father and step-mother offered him a chance to leave me when I was in the hospital in July. They tried to talk him into leaving me there and taking our son and moving in with them. He said no, that he takes his vows very seriously and that he is staying with me. Our marriage was not always so good. I posted on here before about things, but I also posted while unmedicated, so what I thought was really bad issues, really weren't that bad. My husband and mbf have worked as a team with me. I don't have much of a support system, so the small one I have I cling to. I need that sort of stability, you know??

[whichwayisup]

I have to ask. .. Would you be OK if your husband had another woman as his bestfriend? And he was close to her, they would talk openly about intimate things (marriage problems, personal problems, etc..), can you really 100% be OK with him sharing, confiding and bonding with another woman, even if there was NO intention of anything happening?

[marriedandsad]

I would and am 100% okay with that. The reason, he ALWAYS tells me afterwards what they discussed, and I do the same. I know I can be difficult, I can be extremely trying, it wouldn't be fair of me to expect him to confide in only me when I am be such a basket case. We are extremely open with each other, we also know boundaries. And it's involved our sex life as well. I do NOT enjoy sex...at all. I don't know what would turn me on and make me enjoy it, I honestly don't. Like I said, I've had a lot of trauma. So he'll ask our FBF what exactly would work. And she's been right on the nose quite a few times. And it's usually something as simple as "rub her feet with her favorite lotion!" and I'm in heaven. It's not something I would've honestly thought of. And it's saved us in many ways. If he had only me to rely on for information, we'd have hit a brick wall long ago. But he has also asked me first like "honey, do you mind if I ask FBF for some ideas to get your engine going?" and typically I'll laugh and say "go for it HAHAHAHA!". She gave him an idea of what to get me for Christmas, a beautiful bathrobe, I kept telling him I didn't need anything, he was upset he may not get me anything, she told him there was no way I would not love that. And I adored it

[lonelyandfrustrated]

You and your husband and your friends sound fantastic.

 

The online friend sounds like my father and his second wife. She'd bitch like crazy when he went online, hated all of his friends, and i only learned of this after his funeral, when his wife didn't know most of the attendees and his online pals contacted me. He died at age 58, sittin' in front of the computer, watching porn. I have to laugh about that. How sad of an existence he must have had.

 

I hope your friend finds happiness.

[marriedandsad]

I think my friend will find happiness. He's a fantastic guy, and bluntly honest. He just wants a new start and freedom, and right now that does NOT involve dating anyone. He refuses to even consider it until their divorce is finalized.

 

We don't have a ton of friends, but the ones we would go to for advice are very close and dear to us. We would rather have 3 or 4 very close friends than 20 friends whom we don't really trust all that much. We have more fun this way, and have a lot more to laugh about

[MizzBlue72]

I agree - sounds like a possible EA, and you really, really shouldn't put yourself in the position to have a guy friend you can't live without. That could go really, really bad .....

[Reggie]

Get real. Divorce is no fault in just about all staes now. No lawyer gives a crap about your involvement. It's irrelevant. Please, this is just dumb. What makes you think there is anything about your advice giving that means a thing in a divorce?

[angie2443]

I got your response Angie and I wanted to respond. Around here, the pool is small therefore it's claws and nails. We live in the country. And it's very very narrow minded. The friends I had never stuck up for me, they were afraid of becoming the next target. I wouldn't let that happen to others, which is why I got it so bad. If you weren't with them, you were against them.

 

For my weight gain, we are trying to figure it out. In order for me to remain thin I had to remain anorexic. I have borderline personality disorder and PTSD, so I am on some medications that have an impact on weight. I have also been pregnant 4 times in the past 4 years, 3 of those pregnancies were miscarriages. I had some blood tests done and there is no hormonal issues going on, I think part of it is genes. My mom and sister are heavy as well. I have switched over to a vegan diet to try and lose some weight.

 

I admit, sometimes my outlook on life is very skewed. BPD can do that. When I am not on medication I am constantly trying to kill myself. I can be fine then suddenly I am slicing my wrists or overdosing. My husband is a wonderful man to stick by me. Not many others did. His father and step-mother offered him a chance to leave me when I was in the hospital in July. They tried to talk him into leaving me there and taking our son and moving in with them. He said no, that he takes his vows very seriously and that he is staying with me. Our marriage was not always so good. I posted on here before about things, but I also posted while unmedicated, so what I thought was really bad issues, really weren't that bad. My husband and mbf have worked as a team with me. I don't have much of a support system, so the small one I have I cling to. I need that sort of stability, you know??

 

You really went through a lot and are going through a lot. I don't have anything helpful to say except that your husband sounds like a keeper so stick with him. Also, the vegan diet, if done right, can make you feel much better physically, so stick with it. Good luck and take care of yourself.

[Ms. Red]

Hi marriedandhappy

 

You and your H sound just like friends of mine from TX. I met them on-line also & I drove across the country for a gaming convention for a small gaming clan we were members of & met them in person. Our friendship has continued to one where the H & I are really close just like you & your mbf. I talk with the W but not nearly as much as the H. If she answers IM or the phone she hands it over to her H because we just are closer then she & I are.

 

They also read & share e-mails & IM chats openly with nothing to hide. I don't know why it is so hard for ppl to understand that friendships like this can exist. When it came time for us to part in TX, the H & I were hugging & kissing & I was crying coz we didn't know when we would see each other again. We had to practically pry ourselves apart. His W was right there & didn't care in the least.

 

You did get your answer to the question you posted & should just ignore all the other crap that ppl bring up because some ppl like to make a scandal out of nothing. Don'tcha love it when you ask one question & you get probed about something you didn't even ask?

[marriedandsad]

Hi marriedandhappy

 

You did get your answer to the question you posted & should just ignore all the other crap that ppl bring up because some ppl like to make a scandal out of nothing. Don'tcha love it when you ask one question & you get probed about something you didn't even ask?

 

At first I was offended by a lot of the remarks, but then I had to remember where I am posting and that yes, probably the vast majority had a friend who turned into more with their spouse or they themself are going through it. So I cannot take it personally.

 

As for the get real comment from someone else. We are getting ready for anything and everything. She is VERY angry right now. MBF has tried to get her to get a job for the past 20 years and she has refused. She's driven up credit cards to the point where he had to rip them up. He pays for everything because she simply refuses to get a job. His main concern right now is if she is going to be able to survive financially. He has talked about selling the house and paying off the mortgage then splitting whatever is left with her, which would give her a nice little start. But she just doesn't want to get a job. *shrug*. Only divorces I've ever seen was my mother's. The one from my father was really messy and she had a really hard time getting child support from him and what not. The one from my stepdad, I was all grown up and away from home when it happened. It was peaceful and very quiet. Mbf and his wife have no kids, so that makes it easier I suppose.

 

And as for her not being able to drag me into court, I've heard of it happening. I just don't want any surprises. Heck I'd even take a lie detector if she wanted it, whatever gave her peace that I am NOT the other woman and that there isn't one. Then again maybe that would make her feel worse....I don't know. I couldn't imagine being in her shoes.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I heard of a case where a wife sued the mistress for 'alienation of affection'. I believe she won. But you're not the mistress, so no worries.

[Reggie]

Use your powers of analysis. What possible relevance does your giving your opinion as to the advisability of divorcing have on her case? You are a non factor. This stuff is all accounting, splitting assets and custody stuff. A friend giving advice means nothing in a divorce. I'm a lawyer. Who gives a crap about the woman cranking up credit cards etc. It's not your problem and never will be. Are you watching a lot of television?

[marriedandsad]

Use your powers of analysis. What possible relevance does your giving your opinion as to the advisability of divorcing have on her case? You are a non factor. This stuff is all accounting, splitting assets and custody stuff. A friend giving advice means nothing in a divorce. I'm a lawyer. Who gives a crap about the woman cranking up credit cards etc. It's not your problem and never will be. Are you watching a lot of television?

 

What does me watching tv have to do with anything? And the answer is no, at least not junk shows. I watch Dateline and what not. And I did see the case where a mistress was deemed responsible for the divorce and had a HUGE lawsuit settled against her. I just know that in today's world, it's one person's word against the other's. If she goes in there and says "I know MAH is responsible for telling him to divorce me...blah blah blah" it might come to bite me in the butt. What I was saying about assets is some of the reasons he is divorcing her and why he is concerned. His biggest fear is divorcing her, being made to pay alimony (which from what I understand CAN happen in his state), still split the sale of assets with her, be expected to pay for her lifestyle for the next 20 years just because she refuses to get a job. I don't know the ins and outs of alimony. I just know he's concerned after knowing her spending habits.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Most states limit alimony to a short time period; it would never go on for 20 years. A healthy woman would likely get support for 6 months, maybe a year, if she had never worked before. Just enough time to get established on her own. She might not get any at all.

 

Your friend needs to reconcile his desire to end the marriage against his desire to keep his money. "Cheaper to keep her," as they say, but sometimes worth the price to get out.

[Reggie]

Look, you are not his mistress, right. So, stop worrying. The only way a mistress could possibly be affected is if she lived in one of the few states, mainly southern states(and very few of them) that allow for alienation of affection causes of action. No lawyer would ever consider going after you , even if you do live in such a state, without concrete evidence of you having an affair with this guy. Even then, it would be unlikely. You can't be sued for giving advice.

So, just stop this ridiculous worrying.

[marriedandsad]

Look, you are not his mistress, right. So, stop worrying. The only way a mistress could possibly be affected is if she lived in one of the few states, mainly southern states(and very few of them) that allow for alienation of affection causes of action. No lawyer would ever consider going after you , even if you do live in such a state, without concrete evidence of you having an affair with this guy. Even then, it would be unlikely. You can't be sued for giving advice.

So, just stop this ridiculous worrying.

 

Please do not call my worrying ridiculous. When someone is angry and vengeful and is lashing out at everyone, I have every right to be concerned. Especially when that person is convinced I am an OW. If you feel like my worrying is ridiculous then why keep posting saying so? That is basically calling me stupid, and I don't appreciate it. And yes, my friend lives in a southern state.

 

Good to know about the alimony! His main concern was that he wouldn't be able to afford to take of himself if he was paying out the nose to support her. I will pass that information on to him. From what he understood it could be up to 20 years. I thought that number was a bit high. I was wondering what the courts do if a spouse refuses to work and demands alimony/palimony. Good to know!

[Reggie]

You are overestimating your importance in this. You are a non-factor. I'd think you would be relieved. If you don't beleive me, talk to a lawyer in your locale. Who gives a crap if she is vengeful. She has no legal recourse against you. If she gets a decent lawyer, he'll keep her on task and not be bothered with you. You are nothing in this. So, calm down.

[marriedandsad]

Okay I think the **** has hit the fan. MBF is moving out next weekend....or so he thought. Well his wife basically decided to cause a massive scene and yanked me AND dh into it headfirst.

 

On Thursday I got a knock at the door. I answered it and it was DCYF (Child protective services). Apparently someone had called them and said I was severally mentally disturbed and therefore abusing my son and neglecting him. They also said we were living in squalor and that bugs were walking around on moldy plates and what not. Well the second claim was immediately dismissed when she walked into our home. The first one they have to investigate, but ds came out and wanted to play with her and was totally sociable and obviously shows no signs of distress. The interview went on for about an hour and she is calling people in my family, dh's family, doctors, you name it. I was very open and told her about when I was in the hospital in August. The person who had called had only told her about the first time in July I do believe. She is coming back Tuesday to check in. Our first instinct on who called was my FIL and his wife. We were convinced it was them. Until last night. /Background

 

We were all playing the game we play online as usual. My husband starts cracking up and tells me to come into the bedroom and look at his screen. I go in and there is a person whispering my husband claiming to be MBF's wife telling my husband he needs to hack my e-mail because she believes there are e-mails in there in which I "led on her husband". I rolled my eyes and dh put her on ignore without responding. Well that didn't go over to well with her. She next CALLED OUR HOME!!!!!! I answered and the first thing I hear is "You are a whore and a homewrecker". I didn't say a word and merely hung up. I told MBF on-line and he was pissed. He went AFK for a bit then suddenly was offline. Ooooookay. Dh and I kept playing with another friend of ours on there. Then about 2 hours later MBF comes on and says that she smashed his personal laptop!!!! She got so mad at him because I refuse to "acknowledge her" that she smashed his laptop. I told him I would be more than happy to acknowledge her, if she can do so without calling me names and screaming at me like a banchee. I've said it all along, I am more than willing to talk to her, to show here there is NO romantic interest. No she doesn't want that. She wants to scream and slap me. Fine. I asked him where she is and he said she went to the police to get him arrested. Um for WHAT????? Apparently in the fight after she smashed his laptop he broke one of her lamps. Dh and I said he shouldn't have anything to worry about. He has offered to pay for us to get our number changed and what not. Then we started discussing the DCYF issue. He suddenly went quiet. I asked him what was wrong and he said he thinks she may have been the one. He's going to get phone records and check. If she WAS the one dh and I were considering nailing her for harrassment. That was still up in the air until tonight. We are now determined to do it after what she pulled next. So I log off because I am really tired and dh and I both said talk to you tomorrow to MBF. We go to bed.

 

The phone rang around 2am. I answered because one of our family members is very very ill and expected to pass away at any moment (lives about 3 hours away, we aren't very close but still). It's his wife. She proceeds to tell me MBF is sitting in jail and it's all my fault and that she is going to get a hold of my husband somehow and tell him what a whore I am. I hung up. 3 minutes later she calls back again. I muted the ringer for that call. So dh and I have a quick discussion and we decided to call the police down there. I made the call, the police officer kept telling me there is nothing she can do. That I have to call the police up here. So I did that. HE said I had to talk to the ones down there because she lives in another freaking state and he can't enforce a misdeamnor if he charged her with one. So I called back down there and the same police officer told me she couldn't do anything and to just take the phone off the hook. I told her we could NOT do that with a sick relative. So I called back the police department up here, this time I am in tears because I am just so exhausted. Awesome police officer up here asks for the wife's number she is calling from, and the number of the police department and her name. He calls the wife himself and tells her to stop calling us period or else she is facing charges. She tries to say we called her first. It was obvious from my phone call I was very upset and tired. I am not responding to her calls in any way when she calls. I simply hang up. Dh and I are now going to pursue charges against her. MBF has our support in doing so. Oh and btw, she admitted to lying about him doing something to her to get him arrested. So now he is in jail for now. I am hoping he gets out this morning and is able to go to family and call us and let us know he's okay. She is psychotic.

 

So now we are filing a cease and desist letter against her. If she proceeds to contact us it will be a restraining order. I am not sure if we are able to do so right now anyways. I would rather go ahead and file a restraining order. She knows our address and our phone number. She seems crazy enough to actually show up here. I know a piece of paper won't do much, but if she shows up, I can at least call the police and have a valid reason for having her arrested. We are moving in 2 weeks anyways.

[jj33]

How horrible for his wife. And he didnt come clean? What are YOU going to do now?

[marriedandsad]

Horrible for his WIFE???? And come clean???? He didn't do anything! Did you read the rest of the thread? He, my husband and me are best friends, that is it, nothing more. His wife doesn't think he should have ANY friends other than HER. So the moment he mentioned dh and me, she completely phased out the dh part and focused on me because I am a woman. We even ceased contact for awhile to make her happy, didn't matter, she was still frothing at the mouth about me. Trust me, he didn't do anything, I didn't do anything, dh didn't do anything. She is seriously unbalanced, I am convinced of it now.

[jj33]

Sorry I thought you were having an affair with this guy. Well then it must have been terrible for you. What a nightmare.