marriedandsad Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 Alrighty here goes. Btw, I should change my name, I am no longer so sad I am best friends with a gentleman from another state. He is currently separating from his wife of 20 years. Let's just say their marriage seems to be pretty awful, and whenever he and I talk or he and my husband talk, his wife is in the background screaming at him. We all play a video game together on-line (my husband, friend and me), his wife has a fit if he socializes with anyone but her. He is waiting for an apartment to open up at the place he put in an application. His wife at one point found me on myspace and made a profile that pretty much state she was looking for the "whore" and seeked me out and tried to add me as a friend. I sent my friend the link and he was horrified. She thinks he and I have something going on. So apparently I am the other woman. He's actually moving to our area as soon as he gets an agreement finalized between him and her because the three of us are best friends and we've supported him through all this. I hate to say it, but I sort of talked him into getting a divorce. He was so miserable that he was constantly on edge. I mean it was baaaaaad. I simply said to him "When you are on your deathbed, do you want to look back on life and smile and know it was good, or do you want to look back and say 'thank goodness it's over'". He agreed with me on wanting a better life. They had tried counseling, but his wife blamed him for everything, she never takes credit for her part in their issues. He's tried everything and she just wants him to put up with her and be unhappy. *cries*. My concern is when they go to court, if she names me as another woman and tries to get me yanked into court. He lives far away, far enough way where it means me catching a plane. For those of you who have been called the "other woman"....how did you deal with court if you got pulled into the whole mess? TY!
Owl Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 First off...ARE you the "other woman"? Its possible...my wife was engaged in an online emotional affair with someone we'd met in game...that escalated through phone calls/emails/etc... What exactly is your relationship with this man? Are there any kind of emotional emails going back and forth...contact that your husband is not totally aware of? I'm NOT accusing you...I'm asking you to consider your position and verify EXACTLY where you're at. As far as court...it depends on the state they live in. If its a no fault state, it doesn't matter at all if there's an affair or not...it has no bearing on anything, and therefore no reason you or your husband would be involved. If it DOES have bearing (based on the state)...then it should be simple enough to prove your innocence. Have them do an explore, and gather your email/IM/game interactions with him. Have them gather phone records. Affairs require a ton of communication. If all of your communication has been "on the up and up"...it should be relatively easy for your lawyer to put the onus of proof back on her. No troubles. Make sense?
Author marriedandsad Posted October 9, 2008 Author Posted October 9, 2008 Oh good Lord no!!!! We banter back and forth, but we do it with my husband present. He discusses the more private parts of his marriage with me however, I'm a woman and he needed a womans input. I was blatantly honest, that if he REALLY wants to remain married, then he should do so, if not, then RUN!!!! He said at one point he had begun having "feelings" for me and we completely cut off contact for almost a year. Then I found out dh and I were expecting again and I sent him an e-mail along with a bunch of other friends with the great news. He responded back and our friendship is back where it belongs. He is really one of my bestest friends, and he was there for me when I felt like everyone hated me (I attempted suicide after I had a miscarriage this year and was put into a psych ward). He called me in the hospital almost every day and would get me laughing. My husband did the same thing, they were my support system. His wife is EXTREMELY jealous of anyone who talks to my friend. I mean the first time she ever heard my voice on the phone she went ape****. She heard dh on the phone and she went crazy. He just isn't allowed to have many friends outside of their marriage and that is never healthy. He refuses to give us up.
Lizzie60 Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 I don't think you need to worry.. there is nothing she can prove that you and him were lovers.. you never even saw each other in RL I suppose .. don't worry.. be happy!..
Author marriedandsad Posted October 9, 2008 Author Posted October 9, 2008 Good deal LOL! Ever had a friend that you would just be lost without? He's mine. My husband knows we are super close, and respects and understands that. I am so grateful for that. I just can't wait for him to move up here!
lkjh Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 Sounds like the two of you are having an EA(even if you don't think so), so yes she can name you as the OW. Its also kind of weird that now he is moving near you. Im willing to bet that your H is a little worried even if he hasn't said anything. You might want to distance yourself because from the outside it seems the two of you are having some sort of inappropriate relations. Did the two of you meet online?
lkjh Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 Look I highly doubt he does not see you in a sexual manner. Be careful and don't set yourself up for failure. Your H should be your "bestest" friend not the OM.
Owl Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 I don't think you need to worry.. there is nothing she can prove that you and him were lovers.. you never even saw each other in RL I suppose .. don't worry.. be happy!.. This may not be absolutely true. It depends on the state that both parties live in. Some US states still have "alienation of affection" on the books. If the state has this, and/or the state is a "fault state", the OP could still well be required to testify or to show evidence of the nature of her relationship to the man in question. Look up the laws of the state you live in, and in the state that THEY live in. That's the only way to know.
Author marriedandsad Posted October 10, 2008 Author Posted October 10, 2008 The one thing our marriage counselor ALWAYS told me was "Do not make your husband your only best friend". The reason, sometimes there are things you just cannot say to your spouse. And it's true. With my mental illness my husband is so....well.....weird about it. He'll start spouting out advice before I am done talking and it's the wrong advice and gets me REALLY worked up. I tell my dh this, he says he understands, yet he keeps doing it. I need to have someone I can bounce things off of without the constant interrupting and advice giving. I see a counselor once a week (all he can fit me in and the only one who takes my insurance in the area). Blogging just doesn't have the satisfaction of a response. As for him moving here, it was my dh's idea. The three of us are best friends. It IS possible for a man and a woman to be nothing but friends without the sexual tension, to think otherwise, well...I don't know. I know my mother's best friend is a man as well. Let me clarify something about his marriage as well. They don't share a room, haven't...well...you know...in a very very long time, and not for his lack of trying. These were issues long before I came along.
lkjh Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Look, get a girl to be your best friend. Just go through these threads and see how many affairs began as just friends, as a guy I can tell you with the exception of maybe 3 girls I would hook up with all of my friends that are girls. The only reason I wouldnt hook up with those 3 is because they are unattractive.
quankanne Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 The only reason I wouldnt hook up with those 3 is because they are unattractive. ouch. I guess you truly can't understand that sometimes, a relationship between a guy and a girl can be light years ahead of mere sex, and that they can be good/best/close friends without sex messing up the equation. MAS, I do think his wife sounds unhinged enough to pull something like that, so be prepared to cover all your bases. I think your best defense is that he considers both you and DH his best friends, and that y'all consider him yours. Kinda hard to refute the sincerity of the relationship when your spouse is right up there, you know? Especially if he's got other instances where she has this mental hang-up about him having ANY friends.
lkjh Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I never said Im trying to hook up with all of them, just that I would. Yes they can be friends but most of the time in situations like this the guy wants more. You always hear guys telling girls hes not just a friend but girls never seem to get it. Look im just saying for MAS to protect herself and marriage by avoiding foolish decisions like this one. Im willing to bet that the wife is going to name her as the OW and she probably has some emails to go along with it.
Author marriedandsad Posted October 10, 2008 Author Posted October 10, 2008 Nothing against female best friends (And I still have one from when I was 3rd grade), but us women do tend to get a tad emotional. AND we are less likely to call you out on bad behavior. When I was ready to leave my husband at one point, my MBF (the one we are talking about) smartened me up and made me see that a good part of the problems were being caused by me not being on medication and not seeking help. My FBF blamed it all on my husband. I went to the doctor, got on meds, it WAS me causing a lot of the issues. I was so lost in my own paranoia that I had completely alienated my husband. And I agree, some of us are light years ahead of others when it comes to friendship concepts and the roles gender plays in them. When I was a little girl, my first best friend was a little boy. I grew up on Army bases and I was never told that only girls can be your best friends. *shrug*, maybe I'm weird. I just find myself able to have one and keep it strictly platonic, and my mbf in this case is the same way.
Author marriedandsad Posted October 10, 2008 Author Posted October 10, 2008 Look, get a girl to be your best friend. Just go through these threads and see how many affairs began as just friends, as a guy I can tell you with the exception of maybe 3 girls I would hook up with all of my friends that are girls. The only reason I wouldnt hook up with those 3 is because they are unattractive. Ouch. I can tell you, I am far from attractive. I am overweight and I think I am fugly beyond reason. If a guy ever used that as a reason to keep me as a FBF, merely because my ugliness made me "safe", he'd be on the side of the road. Looks shouldn't even play a role in friendships.
angie2443 Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 . He discusses the more private parts of his marriage with me however, I'm a woman and he needed a womans input. I was blatantly honest, that if he REALLY wants to remain married, then he should do so, if not, then RUN!!!! He said at one point he had begun having "feelings" for me and we completely cut off contact for almost a year. You are his OW in a sense. Anytime a man (or woman) spills out the intimant details of their marriage to a "friend", they are destroying the intimancy in their marriage and causing tremendous pain to their partner. This man sounds like he has poor bounderies in his marriage. If I was his wife, I would be scared to. Oh, and as far as you bieng "fugly" (I'm just using your word), this might not stop anything from happening. I don't know how you look, but I do know some polyamnorous girls who are overweight and not the type you'd think that men would go for. They can pick up men like crazy. I don't know if it's the easy sex, or something else they can offer.
lkjh Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I agree looks shouldn't matter but most of the time the guy wants more than friendship but you could be right, he may just want friendship. Im just saying be careful because you sound vulnerable, also usually when people are worried about something(being called the OW) then their could be some truth behind it. Are there any risky emails? Did you meet him online?
angie2443 Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Nothing against female best friends (And I still have one from when I was 3rd grade), but us women do tend to get a tad emotional. AND we are less likely to call you out on bad behavior. When I was ready to leave my husband at one point, my MBF (the one we are talking about) smartened me up and made me see that a good part of the problems were being caused by me not being on medication and not seeking help. My FBF blamed it all on my husband. I went to the doctor, got on meds, it WAS me causing a lot of the issues. I was so lost in my own paranoia that I had completely alienated my husband. And I agree, some of us are light years ahead of others when it comes to friendship concepts and the roles gender plays in them. When I was a little girl, my first best friend was a little boy. I grew up on Army bases and I was never told that only girls can be your best friends. *shrug*, maybe I'm weird. I just find myself able to have one and keep it strictly platonic, and my mbf in this case is the same way. This sounds condencending to women and to others who know the dangers that many female/male friendships can bring to a relationship. I don't know if you are in denial, but there is a sexual tension in these friendships (if there heterosexual, anyways) that can turn into something else if other parts of a relationships become intimant. I don't know why some people are so afraid of saying. We are sexual creatures. Sure, opposite sex friendships can exist, but if one is married and sharing secrets with his/her opposite sex friend, then it's going to be really bad for their spouse.
lkjh Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Angie, you are right now days people are not willing to admit that they are sexual creatures and our animal side could take over our reasonable side.
You'reasian Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Look I highly doubt he does not see you in a sexual manner. Be careful and don't set yourself up for failure. Your H should be your "bestest" friend not the OM. ....Well put.
You'reasian Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 You are his OW in a sense. Anytime a man (or woman) spills out the intimant details of their marriage to a "friend", they are destroying the intimancy in their marriage and causing tremendous pain to their partner. This man sounds like he has poor bounderies in his marriage. If I was his wife, I would be scared to. They are also opening themselves up emotionally to the person whom is the friend (not the partner) and as stated earlier the man and his friend developed feelings for one another outside their marriage - proves the point. Oh, and as far as you bieng "fugly" (I'm just using your word), this might not stop anything from happening. I don't know how you look, but I do know some polyamnorous girls who are overweight and not the type you'd think that men would go for. They can pick up men like crazy. I don't know if it's the easy sex, or something else they can offer . The polyamourous, overweight woman can pick up men like crazy because they are sexually assertive.
You'reasian Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 This sounds condencending to women and to others who know the dangers that many female/male friendships can bring to a relationship. I don't know if you are in denial, but there is a sexual tension in these friendships (if there heterosexual, anyways) that can turn into something else if other parts of a relationships become intimant. I don't know why some people are so afraid of saying. We are sexual creatures. Sure, opposite sex friendships can exist, but if one is married and sharing secrets with his/her opposite sex friend, then it's going to be really bad for their spouse. You've hit the nail on the head, Angie. This seems so common sense for relationships, but there's so much relationshp advise coming out that basically promotes a "do what you feel" mentality, that its okay to have an affair because you are meeting your needs.
Author marriedandsad Posted October 10, 2008 Author Posted October 10, 2008 Then I must have pretty nasty women around where I live. I have ONE female friend who has never automatically told me to leave my husband if he does one thing to even annoy me (like leave the seat up). They are catty, bratty and just down right vengeful around here. One time my dh and I were arguing over him leaving a towel on the floor. I talked to my friends and they immediately told me to hide all the towels then take our son and leave for a few days and see how well he "deals" with me not being there to pick up towels. My male friends said "is that really so bad? A towel on the floor?" and they were 100% right. I was raised where gender doesn't matter with who you pick for friends. My sister always had female friends, I always had more male ones than female ones. I've always been "one of the guys". And I've hung out with the wives as well, never had a problem. Women are very emotional, it's not condescending, it's the truth, and I'm a woman! I admit I tend to break down in tears over stupid stuff, like when the goldfish died. My husband took our son, explained that the fish had died and they had a funeral. I was in tears and my husband told me to not cry in front of him like that, that it would make him think death was unnatural. He was right. Our son has empathy, but he doesn't break down in tears if he sees a dead bird like a little girl his age did that was our neighbor. She was inconsolable. Ds said it was sad, but he didn't break down in tears. Also, I can tell you, if I didn't have friends (of either gender) to vent to when I am ready to throttle my dh, and there are plenty of those times, I'd be even crazier than I am now and probably asking for a divorce. There are some things my dh is just simply NOT open to discussing, and there are some things I am simply not open to discussing. One his bestfriends is a woman, and she's one of my bestfriends too. When we're fighting, she's been known to come over and play mediator. He and I are both VERY VERY VERY stubborn people. By saying that discussing anything about my marriage with somebody else is betraying my dh....well I can't tell you how many times he's told me to go talk to mbf or fbf (but he prefers me to talking to mbf because me fbf is ALWAYS telling me to leave him) until I've calmed down. And I do that. And he does the same thing. In fact our fbf says we put the "fun back into dysfunctional" LOL! It's good to get advice from both sides of the fence. I know people here have been burned, trust me, I have been too. In fact my ex cheated on me with a bestfriend of mine in college. It HURT so bad. I didn't trust anyone after that. Dh was the first guy I dated after that and he earned my trust and understood it would take time for me to be "normal". He got burned by one of his bestfriends, he still has a hard time with it. But to say we should only have friends of the same gender is screaming old-fashioned to me. I will never teach my son he should only have male friends. If he brought home a girl and said they were bestfriends, and were truly that, I'd treat her the same. Hollywood has also made the role of the female best friend pretty bad. The guy's bestfriend is a woman, years down the road either they end up married OR she ends up trying to stop HIS wedding or vice versa because she/he decides they are in love with them. *sigh*. Real life is not like that. I hate that picture it paints. But in my case, it is 100% innocent. MBF's wife has said many times she should be his ONLY friend, this alienating him and isolating him. How sad is that?
angie2443 Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Then I must have pretty nasty women around where I live. I have ONE female friend who has never automatically told me to leave my husband if he does one thing to even annoy me (like leave the seat up). They are catty, bratty and just down right vengeful around here. One time my dh and I were arguing over him leaving a towel on the floor. I talked to my friends and they immediately told me to hide all the towels then take our son and leave for a few days and see how well he "deals" with me not being there to pick up towels. My male friends said "is that really so bad? A towel on the floor?" and they were 100% right. I was raised where gender doesn't matter with who you pick for friends. My sister always had female friends, I always had more male ones than female ones. I've always been "one of the guys". And I've hung out with the wives as well, never had a problem. Women are very emotional, it's not condescending, it's the truth, and I'm a woman! I admit I tend to break down in tears over stupid stuff, like when the goldfish died. My husband took our son, explained that the fish had died and they had a funeral. I was in tears and my husband told me to not cry in front of him like that, that it would make him think death was unnatural. He was right. Our son has empathy, but he doesn't break down in tears if he sees a dead bird like a little girl his age did that was our neighbor. She was inconsolable. Ds said it was sad, but he didn't break down in tears. You are stereotyping 50% of the population and bieng emotional, catty and bratty. You have a very negative attitude towards other women. It might be a competition thing with you. I don't know. Anyways, since you have such a negative take on women, it's no wonder you don't have good female friends. You are sending these condensending vibes when you are around them and they read it right off. The women who would make good friends wouldn't want to have anything to do with such a person.
angie2443 Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 The polyamourous, overweight woman can pick up men like crazy because they are sexually assertive. This would explain a lot.
lkjh Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Your just trying to justify everything by all of this nonsense. Just because a woman gave you bad advice you don't just hang out with men only. You still haven't answered the questions are there any risky emails, and did you meet this man online?
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