serialgf Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 hey guys so my friend and i are currently having a heated debate via gchat about this issue and i thought i would get some outside perspective: so as some of you may know about two weeks ago i broke up with my boyfriend and later that night began spending time with a new guy, who i am currently dating. just a little background on him: he's 36, an artist, sweet, sensitive, thoughtful (he reseated my toilet two days ago) and just a lot of things that i want in a man. situation with ex-bf is that he was sort of a "mr. right now" for me. honestly, i tried to keep it casual but he was really into me and really nice to me so i couldn't help but be his girlfriend. we were together for 11 months. he's 27 and a heavy metal musician. so i'm in a pickle because i haven't told old guy about new guy and i live in a small town so the clock is ticking to when he finds out. i don't want him to find out through the grapevine because i have always been into honesty and we've always been very open and honest with each other. so my first questions is: should i tell old guy about new guy? the second issue is that new guy has asked me a few times if i have told old guy about him. yesterday he hinted that i should tell old guy about him. last night, i told him i decided that i will indeed tell old guy about him, he told me that he would even be willing to talk to old guy if that's what i wanted.... he said he empathizes with old guy (and so do i - this is my first time being "me" in this situation. i've typically been one of the other two parties) when he said this to me i thought it was very mature and sweet and rather manly of him if you will to be comfortable enought to talk to my ex (who is a massive 6'3" ogre of a man mind you) but when i shared this info with my friend just now she said that it was totally inappropriate of new guy to offer to talk to old guy and that it shows his insecurity and that he's "marking his territory". to clarify, i don't want the new guy to talk to the old guy, i just thought it was good of him to offer my friend thinks i shouldn't tell old guy at all. so now i have doubts... so what do you guys think? should i tell old guy about new guy? is new guy out of line by suggesting i tell old guy?
riotgrrl Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 i think you should tell your ex just in case he thinks there is any chance that the two of you could get back together.
tanbark813 Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 If new guy had an ex he was still talking to would you want him to tell her about you?
Author serialgf Posted October 9, 2008 Author Posted October 9, 2008 yes that's the part i left out. my ex has been exhibiting classic "i want to get back together" behavior. i can smell it a mile away. he has: 1. called me on several occasions asking me if i had called him or texted him earlier 2. during one conversation i was telling him we didn't exactly have the best relationship an i think our breakup is for the best he responded, "but it wasn't all bad either was it?" 3. the other day when i returned his calls to hang out the day after he called, he asked me what i did the night before and with whom 4. after a music show the other night he walked me home and i gave him i t-shirt i had bought him for his birthday, first he sniffed the t-shirt and kissed it while looking at me (god that's so cheezy i can't believe i just admitted to that) and he didn't really want to leave. he sat on my bed next to me and i had to be basically like, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out! (i'm just kidding obviously, i was very polite, that's just how it felt)
Author serialgf Posted October 9, 2008 Author Posted October 9, 2008 If new guy had an ex he was still talking to would you want him to tell her about you? You know, that's a good question and I'm not sure. I guess i wouldn't want him to keep me from his ex but if they had just broken up i would feel bad for her and would just leave it up to him. But it would make me feel better if he told her. Thanks for putting it like this, it definitely sheds a good light on the situation
tanbark813 Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 IMO, it's in everyone's best interest to tell old guy about new guy. Wanting to spare old guy's feelings sounds like a douchebag cop out. Plus, if you choose to not tell old guy, then you risk damaging your relationship with new guy.
Author serialgf Posted October 9, 2008 Author Posted October 9, 2008 IMO, it's in everyone's best interest to tell old guy about new guy. Wanting to spare old guy's feelings sounds like a douchebag cop out. Plus, if you choose to not tell old guy, then you risk damaging your relationship with new guy. how's that? i agree with you though.... tanbark what do you think about new guy's offer to talk to old guy? do you think it's a confident gesture or a sign of insecurity?
tanbark813 Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 how's that? Because he's already expressed that he wants old guy to know about him. I would bet that he'll be less and less patient as time goes on. I know I would be. i agree with you though.... tanbark what do you think about new guy's offer to talk to old guy? do you think it's a confident gesture or a sign of insecurity? Insecurity. I agree with your friend that he wants to mark his territory, so to speak. But new guy would be less insecure if he knew old guy knows about him.
Author serialgf Posted October 9, 2008 Author Posted October 9, 2008 gotcha so i will do what i was planning on in the first place. i will tell old guy tonight... i hope he will still be my friend eventually.... i think there's a good chance of that being a possibility because he is super mature and confident... i kind of feel like a jackass because i moved on so fast... but like i said my heart was never 100% into our relationship... and right now i honestly feel like i'm falling in love... is it too soon to feel that way? so what exactly should i tell old guy? just i'm seeing someone new, right? i should certainly not give him any details? should i downplay my relationship with new guy? should i leave out the fact that i started seeing new guy the very same day i broke up with him? thanks tanbark and anyone else who has suggestions please i can use all the help i can get!
lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 Why are you still talking with old guy at all? I never felt the need to call someone I used to date and tell them I was seeing someone new. But yeah, if he's calling you and asking what you've been doing, tell him! Say, "Remember that day I dumped your *ss? I replaced you a few hours later." How that's productive, I have no idea.
Author serialgf Posted October 9, 2008 Author Posted October 9, 2008 oh my god lonelyandfrustrated i would never say anything so heartless to my ex. we didn't break up because he was a jerk and there are no hard feelings. in fact there are no hard feelings between me and any of my ex's we are still in touch because we just broke up two weeks ago! but i guess you're right i don't really owe him anything...
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