Laurenwho Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results (isn't that how the saying goes?). Well that pretty much sums up my relationship. 6 years and we are no closer to getting married than when we started. We've been to counseling and put a lot of effort (or at least I have) into staying together. My guy works two jobs (doesn't have to but loves his hobby job) He is gone from 6am till most recently 10:30pm at night. I see him one day a week (the whole day) and that is sunday. The last few sundays all we've done is fight. He starts the arguments and they literally come out of nowhere. Last sunday it was that I drove a different route home than he suggested because I "wanted to p*ss him off" according to him. He blew up on me for this. All I have ever asked of him is to spend more time with me. He used to but over the years it dwindled. I am not high maintenance. Most people wouldn't even have a LDR with the limited amount of contact that we have. I have tried to have my own life outside of him and I to keep busy. I've also tried to make things easier for him (by keeping the house clean, making him dinner, not turning him down etc) I am a decent catch but he no longer sees that. He hurts me all the time (emotionally) and makes me feel that I am not important at all to him. Nothing that I do or say leads him to spending more time with me. We went on a week's vacation and by the 3rd day he was miserable because he missed work. He does do nice things for me (let me have a cat that showed up at our place), writes me notes every day saying love you and always tells me he loves me at least 3 times a day. He says he wants a family (as I do) but I won't get married (or try to have kids) until I am satisfied with the amount of time we spend together. I love him but end up feeling more like a maid, a cook, etc because we rarely spend quality time together. I've suggested all kinds of solutions that I feel are reasonable (friends and family agree with me) but he "can't" give up his hobby or his hobby job to spend time with me. Its like I'm not important to him. I want to be more than a warm body to sleep next to at night. But leaving him kills me. I know he will never change. I've given him so many opportunities to try harder. And he will take a day off, spend it with me and then back to the same old thing of never seeing him. He promised me in JANUARY that he will make time one more day a week for me. Never happened. He gave a deadline of May to do this. Then he had all these excuses. and to this day he still has not made any extra time for me. So I gave myself a deadline. I have found a house to move into and I can sign the lease tomorrow if I want. Last week, I told him (and showed him a note I wrote from a YEAR ago that talked about the same problems we have now.) that I feel we need to spend more time together to have a healthy relationship. I reminded him of his promises. I did not give any ultimatums or talk of leaving him. I just told him what I need and asked what his needs are. He talked about how he loves to work and that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but he would be "bored" staying home an extra day a week (that hurt) He said he will take a trial leave of absence from his hobby and see how it goes but he thinks we will "just argue if we spend more time together". He said he will take the leave of absence immediately and we will spend one extra day together for a month and see how it goes. That we should give our relationship this last try so we can say we tried everything and maybe it will work out. So I assumed that meant that this week he would call his buddies and tell them he will not be joining them for his weekly hobby. And that we would spend the evening together. I had a feeling he would still go to his hobby and have some excuse (as usual). I have been very attentive, very sweet to him all week. I've made him dinner, we've had sex often (and its been fun). I've kept the house clean, I haven't argued with him. So he can not blame me (as in saying,well we'd just argue anyway) for not spending the evening with me like he promised. I had decided (but did not voice this to him, but my parents know) that if he chooses to do as he promised and spend that evening with me and take a leave of absence then I will stay and work on the relationship. If he chooses (as I thought he would) to make up excuses or to go to his hobby this week and tell me that he'll start his leave of absence next week instead then I am signing the lease on the new house and leaving him. Even though it kills me to do so. I can't waste any more of my life trying to get someone to wake up and see what he has (me) is worth it. So today is the day he was supposed to spend the evening with me instead of going to his hobby. I saw him for lunch and he mentioned that he was going to see his buddy tonight to tell him he is taking a leave from his hobby (tonight is their night they usually get together). If he wanted to tell this guy that he had all week to call him and tell him. There is NO reason for him to go see him. So I said nothing at all. just got quiet. Because once again he is putting me last. So I have to leave him. I am torn because I know once I talk to him, he will say all the right things and i will want to stay because I am comfortable there and can't imagine him not being in my life. Please help me get angry or tell me that things are never going to change. No matter how many chances I give him. I need to get on with my life but I truly love him and don't want to hurt him.
soserious1 Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 How can you say you"love" somebody you seldom see? And how will he "be hurt" by your decision? from the sounds of it he won't even notice you're gone till he runs out of clean shirts. I see the mailman more often than you see your partner. Do yourself a favor and go sign your lease and take your life back.
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