Is there hope or is the writing on the wall? The love of my life "has doubts".

[secretjourney]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months. Until very recently, everything was wonderful. I love this man more than I've ever loved a partner before, and it is the best relationship I've ever had - I trust him, I can be open with him, and I felt a mutual love and respect that had been lacking in my previous relationships.

 

Things moved quickly and after a few months of dating, we were talking about the future. We are both mid-thirties. He started talking about marriage a few months in - not about getting married imminently, but in a year or so. He is finishing a degree in 2009 and wanted to wait until after that. All of this made me happy and I was very pleased with the way things were progressing. You know how people say "when it's right, you just know"? Well, I just knew. Everything felt absolutely right.

 

About a week ago things started falling apart. For various reasons, the pressure came on for us to decide what we would be doing in the next year. My job involves periodic transfers and I have to make a decision soon whether I will take one. He is applying for jobs and it seems that he is terrified of not getting a good one. So we have been having serious discussions about the future, but it was always clear that we both saw ourselves together - there was no doubt about that, it was just a question of where we'd be and what we'd be doing.

 

Well, these serious conversations started to take their toll. Last weekend, we were hanging out and he said something offhand about a totally unrelated subject, which unfortunately was a very sore point for me because of a previous difficult relationship. (Without going into details, it was related to porn, which was a MAJOR problem with my last boyfriend - he was basically an addict). I guess I hadn't fully realized how affected I was by that experience, because when it came up with my current boyfriend I just completely freaked. I lost it and was crying and said that I didn't know if I could be with him, because this is really an issue for me. After a rough night of me crying and him sitting there stunned, I went home. We talked the next day and I was able to explain better why I had freaked out, and also after calming down I realized that the situation was not as tragic as I had made it out to be, and that I wanted to be with him. I apologized sincerely for how I had acted. He said he felt better afterwards. For the next two days we didn't see each other but we spoke on the phone and it was okay - just run-of-the-mill how was your day kind of thing.

 

So last night we went out and everything was fine. Then I said that we needed to talk about our plans for next year because I am under pressure to make a decision. This led to a conversation about the argument that we'd had. He told me that it was the first time that he thought that we might not make it together, and that it had changed things for him. He said that he still loves me and wants to be with me, but that now he is having doubts about whether we are compatible. He also said he feels insecure because of his job and financial situation. He was at the same time saying that he loved me and wanted things to work, but he didn't know if they would. Then it got worse. The really horrible part was when he said that he wants more time to focus on work before we can be together (i.e. get married). It was like he was stepping on the brakes of a fast-moving car.

 

Needless to say, I was very upset. I was crying a lot and just had a horrible feeling that this was it, it was over. He kept telling me to cheer up and not to worry, but there was something in his voice, his words, and his actions, that made me feel really worried. I tried to maintain my dignity and not cry but it was hard. I truly love him, I accept him as he is, I don't want him to change, and I see no reason why we wouldn't be happy together. And I desperately don't want to lose the love of my life.

 

I would like to know what any of you make of this. Do you think the writing is on the wall? Is he making excuses because he's fallen out of love with me? Or is he scared and insecure about the future? Also, what do I do at this point? He said that he wants to get back to a good place where we aren't arguing or talking about heavy things. But I am hurt and scared and I don't know how we are supposed to get back on track when I feel like he's taken a major step back from our relationship. I also have a tendency to pursue and seek reassurance, even though I think maybe I should be stepping back and letting him come to his own conclusions.

 

If you have read this much, thank you, and I welcome your advice.

[EmperorR]

have you thought about counslling if he agrees to go?

[LucreziaBorgia]

It sounds like he may have met someone new, or perhaps he simply just realized after a few months after the 'newness' wore off that you and he aren't a good fit.

 

Either way, you are into this relationship more than he is, and he is definitely on the way out. I don't think there is much you can do to keep it going once you hit the 'fell out of love' point.

[secretjourney]

Emperor, yes I would go to counselling if he wanted to.

 

LucreziaBorgia, he said several times last night that he loves me and wants things to be okay. He is not the kind of person to lie or even sugarcoat things. I know from his past relationship experience that he doesn't string people along - he just breaks up with them. Is there something specifically that makes you think he's "definitely on the way out"? I agree with you - once you get to that point, it's over, but I am not sure if he is at that point. And I don't know what to do.

[Rafa]

Emperor, yes I would go to counselling if he wanted to.

 

LucreziaBorgia, he said several times last night that he loves me and wants things to be okay. He is not the kind of person to lie or even sugarcoat things. I know from his past relationship experience that he doesn't string people along - he just breaks up with them. Is there something specifically that makes you think he's "definitely on the way out"? I agree with you - once you get to that point, it's over, but I am not sure if he is at that point. And I don't know what to do.

 

I agree that it doesn't sound like it's quite at the point that LucreziaBorgia has described, but having said that, his reactions are major red flags and often the first signs of the process.

I will say though that with all this new pressure on you both to make decisions, this is perhaps the first time that the relationship has undergone any real tests, and it is now that you will see what it is really made of.

It's possible that when you freaked out about the porn thing, you possibly 'woke him up', and he's now taking a more serious look at exactly what it is that you have together, with regard to your future. Plus this business of him feeling insecure because of his job and financial situation, that is a really big deal. A lot of guys need to feel that they have their careers on track, it can mean an awful lot to some that things happen in the right order.

 

You say "Is there hope"? Yes of course there is. The problems are very fresh. A lot of relationships with bigger problems have survived, but this is definitely a major hick-up which could lead to the end.... but it's difficult to tell at this stage. Keep us updated.

[spirakusbl]

It sounds like he got scared of how serious things got so quickly. Even though he may be the one pushing it that fast he may have hit a point were he realized that he does have to make a decision and got scared. Also with the time frame that you have been dating and your talks that means the chase is off and the initial cutesy bootsy stage is over and in most relationships comes the first trial for you two. So this rough point could pass if you do go back to being normal and not forcing the future just letting it come to you.

 

If you or anyone wants anymore info you can visit my blog were talk about marriage and relationships and offer advice. http://relationshipsandmarriages.blogspot.com/

[LucreziaBorgia]

Is there something specifically that makes you think he's "definitely on the way out"?

 

I've done more than my fair share of breaking up, and it almost always starts like this. Or rather, at this point it has started a while before - you just didn't realize it at the time. By the time you start getting this kind of talk, they are 80-90% checked out of the relationship already and are looking for the most humane way out. Part of it being humane includes saying things you think the other person wants to hear, to make things as painless as possible.

 

I can tell you this: if someone says that they need a 'break' for whatever reason, it isn't to figure out if they love you. Its to figure out why they don't (or at least not as much as their partner loves them), and what they can do about it.

 

That said, when a person is doing what he is doing in a relationship - the harder you try to stop it, the quicker it will happen. Instead of grasping, try mirroring. When he says... 'we need a break', then simply agree with him, and then match his pace. If he doesn't call for a few days, don't call him for a few days. Keep your interaction in a complete match with his. Do not call him or email him panicking over not having heard from him, or wondering 'where your relationship is going'. Clearly, doing so is not working, so you'll have to try something new. It is pretty much your only chance at holding on. He has a pace with which he is comfortable. If you can't match it right now, he will likely walk away.

[kiteflyer]

Relationships are very complicated. I think at times we all wish there was a manual we could follow and a troubleshoot index at the back. The best we can do is follow our heart without the emotions clouding us. When dating first starts both are willing to put aside thier own needs to meet the others. After time trust develops and openness occurs but sooner or later the conflicts come into play. These conflicts test the relationship as someone else has said. At this stage communication and openness is vital. You need to tell him how you feel about things. If you both truly love each other, then what the future serves, you go through together.

 

In a relationship its not healthy to totally give up on your future goals for the other. If your current job requires transfers make sure you talk openly about how he feels about it. He also needs to talk openly about his need to finish his schooling and a job. Example. You can tell him with this transfer, you can support him while he finishes his degree. I know guys want to be the bread maker at times, but it is not shamefull to have the girl support either. This way you take the transfer for your career enhancement and he finishes his goal of getting the degree. After that you plan the next stage of your lives. If you give up your transfer in your job, it may make the relationship work for now but the person who does this will not be happy in time. Lay out your goals and aspirations for the future and ask him to do the same. Then lay out the road blocks that you and him see in your way of those. Once you have a clear picture then plan through it supporting each other. Always keep communication open. No hidden agendas. Anyways good luck. Always follow your heart.

 

Cheers

[electric_sheep]

@LucreziaBorgia, No offense, but your advice just sounds terrible to me. I guess I just believe in being honest, and not playing games. It doesn't always work out, but at least you can say you tried.

 

I really don't think this sounds nearly as bad as everyone is making out. It sounds like you guys haven't really experienced any "trying" times in the last 8 months, so the way you handle this may set a pattern.

 

You could handle it by being duplicitous, not talking, beating around the bush, or stonewalling each other. Or, you could decide to be straightforward. Note: Unfortunately, you can't dictate the way HE decides to handle it.

 

I think one distinct possibility is that he is just still pissed off over the conversation, and he is acting passive aggressively. Instead of telling you he is pissed off, he is doing this passive aggressive stuff. A lot of guys do that.

 

It's also quite probable that he is a little freaked out by the necessity to suddenly make these decisions that effect the long term. That would freak out a lot of guys.

 

It's also quite possible he has some doubts. That shouldn't be so surprising though, really. Most of us end up having doubts at one point or another. Maybe you guys should take a look at them, see if there is something that can be done about them? Sometimes you can't do anything about them. You can't always solve every situation. There is something to be said for just putzing along on cruise control. You might not resolve everything right at once. If you love each other enough, then you'll stick it out anyway.

 

Now, if something truly is insurmountable, then that is a problem. You may want to ask yourself if porn is an insurmountable obstacle for you. Whatever you decide, be honest with him. If it is, tell him. Balls in his court. Stick to your decision. If it isn't, just tell him you would "strongly prefer" him not to look at porn.

 

I don't know. Sounds to me like you need to do some talking though. But, I never had much patience for game playing and stonewalling.

[LucreziaBorgia]

There is no game playing involved. If someone is saying "I want a break" they are in the beginning stages of a breakup. Whatever you do to try to stop it will simply make it happen that much faster. A person who is breaking up sets a certain pace they are comfortable with, and going outside of that or questioning it will back them into a corner they don't want to be in. We all know what happens when you back someone in a corner. They will knock you over in an attempt to escape.

 

In this case, this guy is making it clear that he is looking for the exit. If the poster continues to question the relationship, and keep asking "where is our relationship going" then things will snowball into an angry breakup mess. If the poster mirrors his pace, then she will be adjusting to the pace he is more comfortable with, and one in which he will be more likely to compromise. That isn't game playing or manipulation. That is doing what is necessary to keep from alienating this guy further.

 

Can it be saved? Only if the 'where is our relationship going' talk stops ASAP until some things can be resolved with the boyfriend first.

[secretjourney]

Thanks to everyone who has replied. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond to my post.

 

Just to clarify, he did not at any point ask for a break. What he said was that he wanted to focus on getting his career off the ground before getting married, but that we would still be together. This was a change of position from what he had previously expressed, and I found it upsetting and worrying, but I do not equate it with a break.

 

I have also wondered, like Electric Sheep, if he is still pissed off and/or scared about the conversation during which I freaked out. He has referred to it a couple of times and I do get the sense that it really had an impact on him. I just hope that I can undo the damage that I have done and that it is not too late to go from there.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think some of the advice here is terrible.

 

It sounds like the porn conversation has him concerned, and that concern over compatibility is legitimate. That is NORMAL. It's a point of contention for MANY couples, and your history of bad experience and pain with the subject amplifies it, I'm sure.

 

Also, I can relate to the guy being very freaked out when the job/money situation is not good. My recent ex went through the same thing when he first moved to my city and the job he had lined up fell through. It had a noticeable impact on every facet of his personality, and it wasn't till he found a good job that he was in good spirits again.

 

The really horrible part was when he said that he wants more time to focus on work before we can be together (i.e. get married).

This was an issue for my ex, too. He said he "couldn't think about the future" until he was very solid financially. At the time, I thought that was a ridiculous argument (you don't have to have money to make plans for what you'll do once you have money), but now I think maybe he really believed that. He told me his dad did not propose to his mom until he had a great job, a solid income, and some savings in case of emergency. He said he wanted to make sure he could provide for her with no snags. The world has changed, but I think a lot of men are still strongly programmed with that provider instinct and feel they aren't real men until they can take care of their women properly. If you view it through that lens, it's responsible behavior.

 

I understand you need to make a decision because of your job quickly, but I think it's very important to make some headway on both of your feelings about the porn issue if you want to get anywhere. You have to figure out if you can reach an agreement on it, one that is open, honest, and acceptable to both of you. (There are HUNDREDS of topics on the subject on this forum, with discussion from both men and women, btw.) If you can't get past that, you have your answer: make your decision without considering him. Hopefully, though, you will be able to resolve it and feel more on an even keel again, and then you can think about the future.

 

Good luck, and let us know how it turns out!

[i11]

Thanks to everyone who has replied. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond to my post.

 

Just to clarify, he did not at any point ask for a break. What he said was that he wanted to focus on getting his career off the ground before getting married, but that we would still be together. This was a change of position from what he had previously expressed, and I found it upsetting and worrying, but I do not equate it with a break.

 

I have also wondered, like Electric Sheep, if he is still pissed off and/or scared about the conversation during which I freaked out. He has referred to it a couple of times and I do get the sense that it really had an impact on him. I just hope that I can undo the damage that I have done and that it is not too late to go from there.

If he's not asking for a break, then just watch your every next step if you really want to be with him. He's under a lot pressure and so are you. Pressure could easily make you breakup. Do a lot thinking before you act. It's good for both of you. The relationship couldnt stand too many things like this.

[You'reasian]

Thanks to everyone who has replied. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond to my post.

 

Just to clarify, he did not at any point ask for a break. What he said was that he wanted to focus on getting his career off the ground before getting married, but that we would still be together. This was a change of position from what he had previously expressed, and I found it upsetting and worrying, but I do not equate it with a break. .

 

Seeing that the new year is approaching he needs to worry about himself to get his career going - being there for him is going to be challenging. Do you have kids? Special needs?

 

If so, he is not ready to take on that responsibility. If you want to be with him, cool it down and try to be friends first, then work up to something more special while he takes care of himself.

 

I have also wondered, like Electric Sheep, if he is still pissed off and/or scared about the conversation during which I freaked out. He has referred to it a couple of times and I do get the sense that it really had an impact on him. I just hope that I can undo the damage that I have done and that it is not too late to go from there.

 

Apparently you guys came across a sensitive subject - perhaps one that's a deal breaker for him. Better to find this out now than later, right?

[LucreziaBorgia]

...he wants to get back to a good place where we aren't arguing or talking about heavy things.

 

I'm telling you. People may say that it is terrible advice, but when a man point blank asks you to stop talking about the heavy stuff (ie: where is our relationship going) then you have a choice: stop talking about it, or watch the relationship continue to unravel. That means matching his pace.

 

He may not have come right out and said 'we need a break' but I can guarantee you its on the way if you keep bringing up the 'heavy things'.

 

I'm not saying that you are wrong about wanting and needing to know what the future brings the two of you, just that right now he isn't on the same page as you, and everything you have posted here makes that crystal clear to me having been in a similar situation with someone who considered me 'the love of his life' and was talking 'future' when I was thinking 'I'm not sure this is the future I want'.

 

He was persistent and insistent about 'knowing where we stood' and eventually I asked for a break to get away from that. It was followed by me ending up with the guy who happened to come along at around the time I was having doubts.

 

Right now, your boyfriend does not need or want the 'future' talk, and is having a hard time handling your need to pursue and seek reassurance. Those are two things you will need to really tone down at this point. You two definitely need to talk about a few things, but you and he are at a fragile point right now. Mirror him to get him to a more comfortable place so that he can work out whatever it is going on with him. Then talk when the two of you are better able to do so.

[hayworth24]

I am close in age to you and I am in the same situation. Although mine is alot more amped up right now. We are talked out and tired but still together.

 

Let me tell you a secret that our moms forgot to tell us - alot of men - no, not all men (again NOT all men), have a difficult time with confrontation or talking about intense emotional issues/feelings. You sound a lot like me and I like to get things out on the table, talk about it, solve it and move on. He has probably never seen you this freaked out and it freaked him out. If he loves you, give him some time and space and let things happen naturally.

 

I have learned that when I force "talking" or the issues, it usually makes him back away. Some people have a hard time when their girl cries, but this is normal and an indication of "One of the things" that you should pay attention. Don't over analyze it, just process it and see how things go.

 

Also, go easy on yourself. If you two belong together - you will be together and you need to know if he can handle difficult situations and he also needs to know that you won't freak out all of the time.

 

When you feel yourself getting to that point, do something ELSE - anything else. Go to a friends, read a book, exercise - anything to ground yourself and balance your feelings.

 

Hugs to you and let us know what happens!!