I need to break up with him

[Laurenwho]

I don't know where to post this. I need to break up with my boyfriend of 6 years. We live together but never see eachother. He works two jobs (his choice, doesn't need to) and his first love is his hobby job. He used to make time for me but doesn't anymore. I am lonely most of the time even though I try to keep busy with other things so I dont' want him so much. But I only see him one day a week and maybe a half hour each other day. And we live together! I have had to PUSH him into everything except moving in together. He started looking for a place for us after only 4 months and we bought a house (my dream house) and moved in together after only a year of dating. We've had some rocky times but managed to get through them (and most of them were HIS doing). All I've ever wanted from him is honesty and time. And he hardly ever gives me time and there are times he is not honest either.

 

He is not a bad guy. He's very responsible and a stand up guy. I've loved him for the last 6 years and still to this day love him very much. I have tried to adjust my thinking and behavior to meet his needs (spending less time with the person you are in a relationship with). He didn't used to be like this. He always MADE time for me before but the last four years it has been becoming less and less. He claims he loves me and every time I leave (once recently) or try to leave he talks me into staying. He makes promises he never keeps and I believe him. I'm comfortable with him and I've spent almost all of my twenties with this guy. but I feel I am wasting my life because we are going nowhere. We have seen ALL of our friends get married and people who didn't even know eachother back when we started dating are married now.

 

He says he wants a family (as I do) but I won't get married (or try to have kids) until I am satisfied with the amount of time we spend together. I love him but end up feeling more like a maid, a cook, etc because we rarely spend quality time together. I've suggested all kinds of solutions that I feel are reasonable (friends and family agree with me) but he "can't" give up his hobby or his hobby job to spend time with me. Its like I'm not important to him. I want to be more than a warm body to sleep next to at night. But leaving him kills me. I know he will never change. I've given him so many opportunities to try harder. And he will take a day off, spend it with me and then back to the same old thing of never seeing him. He promised me in JANUARY that he will make time one more day a week for me. Never happened. He gave a deadline of May to do this. Then he had all these excuses. and to this day he still has not made any extra time for me.

 

So I gave myself a deadline. I have found a house to move into and I can sign the lease tomorrow if I want. Last week, I told him (and showed him a note I wrote from a YEAR ago that talked about the same problems we have now.) that I feel we need to spend more time together to have a healthy relationship. I reminded him of his promises. I did not give any ultimatums or talk of leaving him. I just told him what I need and asked what his needs are. He talked about how he loves to work and that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but he would be "bored" staying home an extra day a week (that hurt) He said he will take a trial leave of absence from his hobby and see how it goes but he thinks we will "just argue if we spend more time together". He said he will take the leave of absence immediately and we will spend one extra day together for a month and see how it goes. That we should give our relationship this last try so we can say we tried everything and maybe it will work out.

 

So I assumed that meant that this week he would call his buddies and tell them he will not be joining them for his weekly hobby. And that we would spend the evening together. I had a feeling he would still go to his hobby and have some excuse (as usual).

 

I have been very attentive, very sweet to him all week. I've made him dinner, we've had sex often (and its been fun). I've kept the house clean, I haven't argued with him. So he can not blame me (as in saying,well we'd just argue anyway) for not spending the evening with me like he promised.

 

 

I had decided (but did not voice this to him, but my parents know) that if he chooses to do as he promised and spend that evening with me and take a leave of absence then I will stay and work on the relationship. If he chooses (as I thought he would) to make up excuses or to go to his hobby this week and tell me that he'll start his leave of absence next week instead then I am signing the lease on the new house and leaving him. Even though it kills me to do so. I can't waste any more of my life trying to get someone to wake up and see what he has (me) is worth it.

 

 

So today is the day he was supposed to spend the evening with me instead of going to his hobby. I saw him for lunch and he mentioned that he was going to see his buddy tonight to tell him he is taking a leave from his hobby (tonight is their night they usually get together). If he wanted to tell this guy that he had all week to call him and tell him. There is NO reason for him to go see him. So I said nothing at all. just got quiet. Because once again he is putting me last. So I have to leave him.

 

I am so sad. Even after all of this. I don't want to hurt him. I don't know how to end things. My mom says I should make it quick, don't drag it out. That I should just pack up everything and go when he's not there.

 

6 years though. And almost ALL of the furniture in our house is mine. He will be left with a love seat, kitchen table and chairs, a vcr, refrigerator and washer and dryer. Thats it. Not even a bed or tv. Those are all mine. We also have pets that he is attached to and I'm taking them with me as well.

 

I truly don't want to hurt him. I love him very much. But for my own sake, I can't do this anymore. I can't give someone everything I have and get barely anything in return. I need to move on.

 

How do I end this? I'm afraid if I sit down and talk to him about it, he will get upset and just make promises he never intends to keep, just to get me to stay. I think we are both a little codependent on each other and we've never stayed broken up for long.

 

For those of you who have been broken up with- I know none of it is easy. But what is the kindest, least hurtful way that someone broke up with you? I am crying just thinking about this. I wish I could just get mad at him and hate him and that would make this easier.

 

The last time I broke up with someone was 7 years ago and I wasn't very upfront about it- We were together for several years and I wanted to date someone else and I told my boyfriend that I needed space and I moved out and started dating the new guy a few months later, but while still giving my ex hope that one day we might get back together. (I thought it was easier than hurting him) I know that was wrong and this time I'm not leaving my guy for someone else. I just need to get out because I've given him 6 years of my life and I'm not getting anywhere. How do I make this easier on him? Do we have this long tearful good bye or do I just move my stuff out while he's gone and leave him a letter? Please, I need anyone's advice.

[Rafa]

Well it sounds like this guy has had it coming for a while. From what you've said, he will not change, and you've given him every chance to realize how you feel over a very long period of time.

There is a big difference between co-dependent and co-commitment.

If you really have made up your mind, I think your Mum is right, make it quick. You can move your stuff out while he's not there but I always think breakups deserve a face to face goodbye, where you get to be upfront about your intentions and reasons one last time. Just don't be bullied or sweet-talked back if you know what you want (because you know that things will just go back to the way they were).

Of course it will be tough on both of you, but before you are too sympathetic, remember that he's had a million chances to show you his commitment.

Good luck!

 

btw, what is his hobby anyway?

[Laurenwho]

His hobby is he belongs to a bowling league that meets once a week. He's done this for over ten years. It is his "guy time".

 

Well last night I wrote him a letter telling him I am leaving him. (Gave it to him before he left for his 2nd job) He read part of it (didn't even read the whole thing) and tried to tell me that he was only going to the bowling alley to tell the guys he was taking a leave of abscence for a month. And he said he called his buddy and told him before I got home. (I KNEW he was lying just something in his voice) and told him I thought he was lying to me. He said no, I could hit redial on the phone and see that he called him. He kept saying "why do you want to leave me?" and he had to leave for his 2nd job and I was crying because I didn't want to hurt him and he asked for a hug and hugged me so tight and held on to me and told me he was coming home early and wanted me to stay around to talk. Told me he loves me.

 

When he got home he told me that when he called his friend he found out they weren't bowling tonight anway, they were going out to dinner instead. (so he wasn't missing much). We talked about why I want to leave him and he talked about how we have been arguing a lot lately and he doesn't like that. (Our last arguement was sunday and HE started it and it was over something stupid. I asked his opinion on which route was the quickest and he told me one way and I thought the other way was quicker and I was driving so I went my way and he flipped out and said I don't trust him.

 

He told me that if I stay he will QUIT his hobby and he will only work 3 days a week at his 2nd job (he works six days a week now) I was strong for the first hour of that conversation. I kept telling him, no its over, you've had SIX years to make changes and haven't so why now? He said he didn't realize I wanted more time (LIE! because I have ALWAYS been asking him to make more time for me and he promised me previously that as of May he would leave his bowling league but has never done so) He said he thought things were ok. I told him that my fear about giving him more time (not breaking up with him) is that he will make all these empty promises and not follow through. He was upset but didn't cry or anything. Just kept trying to talk me into staying. I told him I'm not blaming him for the break up that it is on both of us and obviously there is just something about the two of us that doesn't click because he should LOOK FORWARD TO AND ENJOY SPENDING TIME WITH SOMEONE HE CLAIMS TO LOVE!

 

He really confused me because at first he was trying to convince me to stay and then he did a total 180 (like maybe his trying to get me to stay was an act to make me feel better or to make him feel less guilty) and started talking about how we argue all the time and he's not sure if he wants to try to make it work because he thinks he will be miserable only working his 2nd job 3 days a week and that it will take him awhile to get used to that. And that his biggest fear is we will not enjoy the extra time together and instead will just argue.

 

He did lie to me though- when he told me he called his friend to tell him he was leaving the bowling league- that was a lie. I confronted him on that and he flipped out. It was right after he said he gets upset with me because I don't trust him. Gee how can you trust someone who sits there and lies to your face??!

 

I should have just taken my mom's advice and moved out when he wasn't there. I know he is hurt because I found a place to live and everything and didn't tell him beforehand. He was very upset that I didn't give him warning. He said he wants to make it right and fix things. But I'm just not sure thats possible. Even though he doesn't want to give up and he says he loves me, I didnt' get the vibe that he can't live without me or even that I'm of much importance to him. He may have been cold toward me because I hurt him but he didn"t really "fight" for our relationship. Just offered me something that was unbelievable (him giving me another whole day (saturday) and three evenings a week. I would be VERY happy spending that much time with him. But I'd only be happy if he WANTED to spend that time with me. Not because he felt forced and resented me for having to give up things he loves.

 

I don't know why, even after he hurts me, even after I know that ending this is the right thing to do, I just don't want to leave him and I love him so much.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

It sounds to me like you love the guy you've created in your head, not the one who sits across from you.

 

I do think it's unfair that you got together with a guy who you KNEW was in a league and bowled one night a week, and now you want him to stop that.

 

But I also think you're right to request more of his time. He sounds like someone who has to be 'doing' something. Have you approached this as doing something together, or just being together without any plans? Do you think he'd be more into giving you time if it was to pursue another hobby together?

[Laurenwho]

I think you are right- I am in love with the guy in my head (the good parts my actual boyfriend) and refuse to believe that this cold, unfeeling one that keeps leading me on is who he really is.

 

As far as asking him to give up his bowling league- I have NEVER asked him to give it up. That was HIS solution to the problem that we never spend time together. He decided that back in January but has never followed through. I did not think he would want to give up something he's done for years and his guy time. So I never thought to even ask for that. I orginally asked him to take one night (about five hours) off a week from his 2nd hobby job (one that he doesn't need to work but loves it). THAT was my suggestion. He didnt' like that and instead decided his bowling league was less important than his hobby job (but as you see he has never given either one up to make more time for me).

 

When we first started dating (before we lived together) He STILL worked both jobs and had his bowling league. And I had NO problem with any of this. Why? Because he MADE time for me. For one thing he would only work his 2nd job till about 8pm ( now he gets home at 10:30!) and he would drive 40 minutes each way to see me and stay for about two or three hours each night. When we moved in together (did so because we thought we'd see eachother more) he still had his bowling league (twice a week, not once like now) and he would get home from his 2nd job at 9pm at the latest. I go to bed around 11 so we still got to spend about two hours a night together. And he'd occassionally take Saturdays off if I asked him to (he won't do that anymore).

 

We would also go on vacation about 3 times a summer ( just two mini weekend getaways and then a week vacation). Well the last two years he has refused to go away for a weekend but he did go on the week vacation with my family and I and seemed to enjoy it.

 

So when I was important to him he made time for me. Now that he doesn't spend time with me (and makes empty promises he doesn't keep) I feel I am no longer important to him.

[Laurenwho]

update- I told him if he wanted to try another month I would be up for it. He very grudginly agreed. He seemed angry and unsure if he wanted to (and I was the one who wanted to break up with him). I stayed with my parents friday night and I missed him like crazy. I kept crying because I don't think he wants me anymore and I'm so hurt. Like I meant nothing to him. I went to see a therapist on saturday. I haven't seen her in a long time but my guy and I went to see her a few years ago so she is familiar with our situation. She listened to me, told me my boyfriend is a very selfish person and that I was right- he doesn't want to work things out-he does not like conflict and was only saying what he thought would create the least amount of conflict.

 

She told me that he has given all he can- that he has emotional problems (can not get close and can not express his emotions freely) and that anyone he dates will experience what I have gone through. That he can only give so much of himself in a relationship (not much) and that the next woman he dates he wlll treat her the same way. I was shocked by this because I thought the problem was ME. that there was something wrong with ME and thats why he didn't love me enough. Thats why he didn't want to spend time with me. So after I left the therapist I was resigned to leaving him again. He was supposed to call me at 1pm before he left to go to work and I tried calling him about ten times after I left the therapist and he finally called me back and he was so sweet, told me he missed me and loved me and sent all that work down the drain. It felt so good to be wanted! I told him I loved him too. I went home that night and was so happy to see him. So thrilled that he still loves me (total turnaround from when I wanted to leave him) We had sex and it was great and sunday morning same thing again. Spent all day sunday together and I just kept thinking how lucky I was that he didn't want to break up.

 

It was like we were on our best behavior. It was nice. He took his leave of absence for a month from his bowling league that day. I didn't even ask him about it- he just did it. It was like we both realized what we would lose. I don't know why I am so happy about this. i was all set to leave. and deep down I KNOW this is just a temporary thing. We are just on our best behavior as we were put on notice I guess. It will be back to his old ways I'm sure. I don't know what to do.

[Geishawhelk]

Your last line is the most revealing.

You state quite openly that you know this is a vicious circle.

He'll be back to his old ways.

 

The only way to cure a vicious circle, is to break it.

 

He keeps repeting the pattern, because he knows he can.

He's complacently taking for granted that all your threats come to diddly-squat, because, hey! He only has to turn the charm on for the weekend and - Voila! You're putty in his hands....

You growl, he pats you on the head, gives you a couple of doggie treats, and you roll over to have your tummy tickled....

 

Do yourself the biggest favour ever: Bite him back, and break the cycle.

[Laurenwho]

I know. I am just hoping this time it will last. I missed him so much just in ONE day. I don't know what my problem is. I was so ready to leave him for good and I was just worried about hurting him. Then he turns it around and acts like he doesn't care if I leave- that maybe leaving is a good idea to him and suddenly he's the most irresistable person ever and I would do anything to win back his affections. Like there must be something horribly wrong with me if the guy I've been with for six years doesn't even want me so I better stay where its familiar becuase NO ONe is ever going to want to be with me if even he doesn't.

[Geishawhelk]

Like there must be something horribly wrong with me if the guy I've been with for six years doesn't even want me so I better stay where its familiar becuase NO ONe is ever going to want to be with me if even he doesn't.

 

And so it is that we allow ourselves to be convinced we're less of a person than we really know we are.

 

You know the above isn't true, don't you?

THis is what a relationship of this kind conditions us to think. After a while, we're spinning in so many different directions we don't even know what to think any more.

We become programmed to be dependent.

And your crying was the withdrawal symptom of your addiction to what he's made you feel over time.

 

OK.

Cold turkey.

Harsh, but effective in alcoholism, drug abuse, smoking and - destructive relationships.

 

Kick it to the kerb, and be the person you actually are.

 

Whatever he's doing, it's not helping. Is it?

[SierraRose]

This is my very first post, so I'm going out on a limb here...It sounds to me like your relationship really isn't all that bad. It sounds as if the biggest problem is he doesn't spend time with you. I'm not justifying lying in any way but maybe he lies about what he's doing b/c he doesn't want to hear the complaints about not spending time together...It sounds as if you love each other very much, and obviously committed. It also sounds to me like you are sitting there waiting for him. Girl, go out, get your own hobbies, see friends...In the end that will give you more things to talk about when u are alone...

[Invisibly Shaken]

Srose....Think you nailed that one. I agree with you, if only my relationship was that bad(wink)! The lying thing is not good, but he most likely did just to avoid a conflict imo.

[Heaventears]

I agree with SierraRose, Why not you try to have some time for yourself ? getting on with some 'Girls Activities' too. It's not easy to achieve the best of both world. Yes i totally know the feeling when you wished you were placed as the first priority in his heart and yet it's not been shown. Nevertheless, i believe both of you have went thru many ups and down time together, his love is there for you ya... just that he has this bad habit which is intolerance to you. Best Wishes to ya... Hope there's better solutions to your problem.

 

Upon reading your story, this song came to my mind.

Air Supply - Good Bye....

 

I can see the pain living in your eyes

And I know how hard you try

You deserve to have so much more

I can feel your heart and I sympathize

And I'll never criticize all you've ever meant to my life

I don't want to let you down

I don't want to lead you on

I don't want to hold you back

From where you might belong

You would never ask me why

My heart is so disguised

I just can't live a lie anymore

I would rather hurt myself

Than to ever make you cry

There's nothing left to say but good-bye

You deserve the chance at the kind of love

I'm not sure I'm worthy of

Losing you is painful to me

I don't want to let you down

I don't want to lead you on

I don't want to hold you back

From where you might belong

You would never ask me why

My heart is so disguised

I just can't live a lie anymore

I would rather hurt myself

Than to ever make you cry

There's nothing left to say but good-bye

You would never ask me why

My heart is so disguised

I just can't live a lie anymore

I would rather hurt myself

Than to ever make you cry

There's nothing left to try now it's gonna hurt us both

it's no other way than to say goodbye

[MichiganMan222]

If a woman is so fed up with a guy not making enough time for her, rather than break up with him (if you still love and want him), why not intentionally schedule things during the times you would actually see each other. Wouldn't that drive him crazy if he NEVER got to see you? If nothing more than teaching him a lesson that might actually wake him up to improve things, at least you would know where he stood. If he didn't care or notice, then, yeah, time to end it. Why wouldn't you try that first?

[Laurenwho]

No, you are right, my relationship isn't all that horrible. We just never see eachother- and the lying thing. He seems to lie about little things even though he knows we have trust issues- after 3 years of dating he tried to hook up with a married ex of his behind my back. Made me think I was crazy because I suspected something. It didnt' work out- she wasn't into him but he destroyed most of our trust because of all the lies.

 

I do have a life outside of him but it is becoming difficult (all my friends are either married or getting married, having kids etc so its hard to find time with them. I do volunteer work, work at my job 40 hours a week, spend time with family and friends. I even took two weekend vacations with friends without my guy this summer. I have tried being busy on the days I normally see him (spending the night at my parents' house instead of being with him etc) and at first he missed me and then he just got used to it and doesn't care. Its like I have this whole life separate of him but I still need him in my life.

 

All along I have felt that somehow he's just not that into me. I have had to push for everything but moving in together (5 months into dating he started looking for a house to buy and a year after our first date we finally found one and he bought it and we moved in together.) But everything else I"ve had to push for. I wanted to get engaged after living together 2 years (together for 3) and he always acted like he wanted that to but at a family function he announced to everyone that I wanted to get engaged and that he thought that was crazy (he was engaged before once and it didn't work out). I had to push to get him to include me on his car insurance so we'd both get cheaper rates) even though his ex was on his car insurance when they were together and she was a bad driver and I'd never had an accident. (till this year when HIS sister rear ended my new vehicle)

 

We went to his ten year high school reunion after dating 4 years I believe. Each person had to write a blurb that was published in this handout, telling what they had been up to since high school. What he wrote was "I am single, I have no kids, I work for **** as a ***, I am a member of ** bowling league." When I read it at the reunion I actually got tears in my eyes I was so hurt. HE'd made me sound like I didn't' even exist!! I know we weren't married but we'd been together for four years and lived together he could have mentioned me. Or at least not have said "I am single" as in not-married.

 

He talks about marriage and how he wants to marry me but never backs that up. I need to break up with him, I know this. Because this relationship isnt' going anywhere and he is happy giving the bare minimum to keep this going. He doesn't seem to need any more than the bare minimum. He values his job and his hobbies more than me.