Agggrrrr, Anyones Else Have a Spouse Who...

[redfathom]

Doesn't do their share on certain things? I am so irritated and I need to vent.

 

My H has three days off during the week and I work a 9-5 job Monday through Friday, so sometimes it's easier for him to take care of certain things. Yet, I have to practically beg for him to do things. He has basically spent the last two days sleeping!!

 

Here is my complaint today. Our HOA sent a letter that all home owners minus (two - BOD Pres and her BF) have to remove their already installed washers and dryers. My H was pissed at this as was I. Yet, I am the only one who has done anything. I have met with the city (one day when i was sick on a Friday), researched things online, called lawyers, e-mailed professional for advice, talked with the HOA management company. I even got the Arch form, CC&R information we needed, schematics, etc and prepared most of that and gave it to him to finish (by filling out the form), that was in JULY!!!! I ended up finishing it myself and sending it in with out some information because he has it at home and I e-mailed it from work.

 

So I asked him on Monday, while he is off Tuesday-Thursday to go by the city and get records of the other home owners who have permits for their washers and dryers (if you can prove they have the same modification as you then they can't legal deny your request). So he just called to BS, and tell me he bought a video game. I asked him if he would go by the city and he said...probrably not!!! So I pleaded for him to go by. So he said, "okay, if you call and find out who I need to talk to and what I need to get and then ask them to have it ready for when I get there so I can just pick it up, then I will go." Followed by, "But call me with this information by 2:00 PM in case I fall as sleep." WTF!!!????

 

So again, I am the one doing all the f*cking work! He is off work, sitting around the house playing video games...

 

I don't know how to handle this, I am so enraged. <exhale>...

[redfathom]

So I called and got the info and called my H back. I told him I could really use his help and he said I don;t value his time off and want him to always run errands...which is total BS.

 

Sure I need to him to do some chores, just like I do. He complained about having to clean the cat boxes and get cat litter and such on his day's off.

 

Let's see what did I do my weekend:

 

I did laundry, grocery shopping, cooked dinner, cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the house, cleaned the cat boxes, pick up my prescription.

 

He has, slept, played video games, went out with friends on Tuesday night, ran the dish washer that I loaded.

 

How do you handle disagreements when it comes to chores?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

So I called and got the info and called my H back.

How do you handle disagreements when it comes to chores?

 

The first statement was your first mistake. you've probably taught him all along that he doesn't have to take care of anything; you'll do it!

 

I've been a SAHM for seven years and have done all of the housework all along. Last month, I went back to work (hey! I'm on a break right now...lol) and I just flat told him that I couldn't do all of the housework anymore, and told him what I felt I could continue to handle on my own and what I needed him to step up and do. One of those was laundry.

 

So of course, he did none of it until I just stopped doing it. I was willing to do a load every other day, but we're a load-a-day family. He wasn't doing ANY, so I didn't do ANY for a week. He got up for work and had no clean tee-shirts or dress shirts, started in on me, and I said, "Well, didn't you do the laundry?"

 

Now he's realized that the laundry fairy moved out and if he wants clean clothes, he's got to do some cleanin'. lol.

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, Red.

Unfortunately, I wouldn't call this on-going thing a 'disagreement' -- it's a downright power struggle, isn't it? Like he's some 2 y/o trying to see how far he can push "mommy"? "You don't value my time off," indeed!!!

 

There is something in his views and thought processes that needs a SERIOUS tweak -- he's not getting something basic about his responsibilities and obligations insofar as his own level of involvement and contribution to his own living space, is how I see it.

 

Er. Did my co-rant help you feel better??? . I'd better add MORE HUGS, just in case not. Hang in there, is all I can offer. Or kick his butt. Or just vent some more. Lots more hugs.

[redfathom]

Well, "we" did laundry on Sunday. We washed his new black shirts, socks and undies. I did the other two loads of normal clothes. Before he got ready for work I asked him to help me put the clothes away. He complained about how he needed to clean out his dresser drawer for the new stuff so I said, then get started. He threw everything out and still left his new clothes in the basket - where they still sit today.

 

I also asked him to help me with the cat boxes on Tuesday (I went to work, came straight home and went to the gym). He said he cleaned them last time! I asked him to just carry them downstairs for me because they're heavy, he again declined. So I only cleaned one, instead of both.

 

I totally agree that I am teaching him how to treat me and it was a mistake to do the work.

 

I felt guilty because he complained about me being able to go do things with my friends on my days off and that he can't. But let me say that has nothing to do with me. He can see his friends (I mean he did on Tuesday and I stayed home because I had just gotten home from the gym and showered and it was 7:45 PM). Sure I see my friends on weekends, but I still do two loads of laundry, grocery and personal item shopping, cook dinner, clean the house, etc. And I can still see my friends.

 

The key is, I don't sleep all day like he does. Sure it's harder for him because he's on graves, but having three days off doesn't mean he can do nothing. Because during the week it becomes all about him and how he just woke up, or has to get ready for work.

 

Sometimes he does pitch in, but it's not consistent or weekly. I reminded him that when I ask him to do something on his days off it will probrbaly take him all of 30 minutes to do it...

 

Good for you and standing your ground, I am about to get to that point.

[redfathom]

Haha, thanks Ronni. It did make me feel better. I know I am not alone in this, lot's of couples go through this same disagreement. Maybe I should make a chore list, as petty as that sounds.

[Ronni_W]

Maybe I should make a chore list, as petty as that sounds.

Doesn't actually sound "petty" to me, in your situation -- sounds like what is needed in your household, is how it sounds. And 'necessary' ain't 'petty', in my books .

Do it. And then just stick to doing the stuff under your own 'column'.

 

(Petty would be if you then started throwing your own tantrums when the stuff under the, er, 'other' column isn't done. I'm sure you could manage to throw a couple of them *IF* you tried really hard, yes? )

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Red, something that might work for you is to get him involved in the chore-splitting decisions. Just tell him, "I can take care of this, that, and the other...what things can you take care of, and what things do we need to hire out?"

 

He probably sees the requests as nagging. And also consider that you two probably have different views on what "needs" to be done. Like I have a higher tolerance for dust and grime than my husband does. He can tolerate clutter better than I can. I like a 'naturalized' appearance to the yard (lol!), while he likes neatly trimmed hedges and weed-free lawns. I'm super-vigilant with money and bills, he just wants the electricity on and the debit card to work when he needs it. So some stuff gets split naturally, depending on who it is important to.

 

But one person carrying everything gets burdensome and creates resentment. And that goes both ways; if it's not important to me, I don't want to be nagged into doing it to someone else's standards. Find out what is important to him, and if it's important enough for him to get off his duff and do it. I'm sure that not being fined by the HOA is important to him, right?

[redfathom]

I almost threw one today. I was so ticked I was tempted to step outside with my cell and go off, cursing and all. I don't know what he expects his day's off to be soley for him to have fun. Sorry, but I don't understand why he think/expects to not have any responsabilites. I work all day, thus I do chores after work or on the weeknd. That's how life works!

[redfathom]

Oh he is cleaner then me, in theory. In the sense that he will nag about things but not actually do anything about them. Example: When I cook dinner I tend to make a mess inthe kitchen, I can cook a lot a one time and quickly, which requires attention to that and not so much the can I left on the counter or the bag. He will come by and nag me about cleaning up as I go along and throwing the can in the trash. He rarely cooks and when he does it takes forever...! So yes, while I spend an hour cooking dinner he will stand in the kitchen and nag me about a can.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Oh he is cleaner then me, in theory. In the sense that he will nag about things but not actually do anything about them. Example: When I cook dinner I tend to make a mess inthe kitchen, I can cook a lot a one time and quickly, which requires attention to that and not so much the can I left on the counter or the bag. He will come by and nag me about cleaning up as I go along and throwing the can in the trash. He rarely cooks and when he does it takes forever...! So yes, while I spend an hour cooking dinner he will stand in the kitchen and nag me about a can.

 

I believe we may be married to the same man, lol! Mine is cooking on his weekday off. First time, dinner wasn't ready until 8:30pm, when the kids' bedtime is 8:00! Last time, he got started cooking at 3 so he'd get it on the table at a decent hour. hahaha.

 

I'll set a spoon down on the counter, and he'll come along and pick it up, wipe the counter underneath it, and then set the spoon back down. He'll wipe the same spot fifteen times...I just don't get it. I'll wipe it down when I'm done. ONCE!

[redfathom]

Yes, they must be clones!! My H will also act like the meal he cooked was made by God himself. Yet when I cook, he has some recommendation on how it could be better. Even though other people will tell me how great it is. I have even a few times been told by his brother that my cooking is "F*ucking Delicious" -

[annieo]

Got some of the same gripes. My biggie was that he would drop his dirty laundry NEXT to the laundry hamper. NEXT to it! For awhile, I'd complain, ask him to sort his stuff, he said he would, then he'd come to bed at night, get undressed and leave his stuff NEXT to the hamper, as usual.

 

I got sick of nagging, sick of picking up after him. But I also can't stand the mess (and he can - he'll let it pile up indefinitely).

 

So one day, I scooped up all of his stuff and just shoved it, willy nilly, into his side of the wardrobe. Hey, I don't know what's clean, what's dirty, do I? And I continue to do this. Gets the crap off the floor, and eventually he's in need of clean underpants or a particular pair of jeans, so he goes weeding through the heap in his wardrobe, and washes it himself. Seems to be working out pretty well. And no more nagging!

 

Not sure how that would work for dishes, cooking, shopping, but one thing at a time.

[Trialbyfire]

Why do you put up with this? Just stop doing things for him. Finito...stop. You're not his mother to have to nag him about things.

 

Laundry: Do your own clothing, leave his for him.

Cooking: Tell him either you're cooking and he shuts up or he's cooking.

Cleaning: Anything he messes up, push it to his side or his den/room, wherever you've predetermined is his space.

 

Also, you cannot control him. I hope you have the bills separated too and he does maintain his share of them.

[moonmosaic]

Guys don't like doing housework because it's not "masculine". Imagine his friends asking him: "Hey, what did you do on your days off? Oh, did grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, dusting, vacuuming etc" wouldn't go down too well. Men have learnt pretty well over the years - respect to the exception - that they can get out of housework by 1. playing dumb - they pretend they are not good at it and never will be. 2. waiting it out - wait until they are asked, then they show irritation so they don't get asked again. 3. reducing their needs - they say they don't need things clean and tidy really. 4. showing appreciation - telling their women how good they are at tackling everything.

 

I suggest you make a list and get him to take on some responsibilities on a regular basis rather than just here and there? Of course if he has mastered the tricks of how to get out of housework then it will be hard to make him unlearn that! Good luck:)

[LakesideDream]

From a old mans viewpoint. The problem isn't the laundry, cooking, window washing, shopping, cloths folding etc. The problem is the dumb assed men don't cherish their wives.

 

When married (divorced after 25 year marriage), my ex worked. When she got pregnant with #1 she stopped working, #2 a year later, became a "career" SAHM. Two infant/toddlers is a big job. To keep afloat I worked 12 hrs, 6 days. She did what she was able to with the house. I still cut lawns and changed oil, but the house was hers except for dishes.

 

As things got better, I did more because I had more time, and I wanted to be treated well as a husband. I didn't want a co-worker relationship. This went on with mixed results for 10 years until she decided to go to work, not for money, it was "break even" but for the social benifits she gained. By that time I was doing all the "deep" cleaning, 80+% of the cooking (I'm a better cook, she did her favorite dishes), and we had a dishwasher etc. She still did the majority of the laundry gawd bless her.

 

By the end, when the kids were on the verge of living on their own, I was doing everything including laundry. My workload was equal to hers, 40 hours M-F, my income was 3x hers, but she needed more social time and space. I was a homebody. It didn't serve me well.

 

IF.... I ever have another chance at a full time relationship with a gal I'm truely in love with, she'll have to fight for her turn at the chores. I want to make my gal a "girly-girl" who can go to the spa, or nail care whenever she want to or feels the need. I'm to old (and hopefully experianced) to need a woman to "do chores" for me. I don't need a cook (I'm a great cook), or a seamstress, or washwoman.

 

I want a lover to share my life with. "Equality in Life" will find it's own comfortability... if I need to adapt I will. Being "Proud" and watching the T.V. alone at night sucks.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Men have learnt pretty well over the years - respect to the exception - that they can get out of housework <snip>

 

Men aren't the only ones playing this game. I don't iron. I'm incapable.

 

Like I said earlier, I think the ones who have the talent and passion end up with the workload. I'll admit to double-creasing pants just because I hate to iron.

 

And my H knows this, so he never asks, and irons my stuff, because 'he has the iron out already'. lol. He just knows I don't care enough to do it, for me or for him, but he cares enough to do it for both of us. Neat freak.

[Mr. Lucky]

Guys don't like doing housework because it's not "masculine".

Is there anyone, male or female, that really likes doing housework?

 

Redfathom, I'm afraid your H sounds manipulative and selfish. I'd adopt the suggestion to cook, clean and wash for yourself only unitl he wakes up...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LakesideDream]

Is there anyone, male or female, that really likes doing housework?

 

Redfathom, I'm afraid your H sounds manipulative and selfish. I'd adopt the suggestion to cook, clean and wash for yourself only unitl he wakes up...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Lkes housework? That isn't the point to me. Doing housework can be a positive with coupled with positive reinforcement.

 

15 years into my marriage I had an unplanned week off because of a burst sewer that closed the business for a week. I got an idea. I went to JC Penny, bought new towels and bathmats. A new shower curtain, bedspread, sheets etc and left em in the trunk of the car. I stopped at the store and bought a bunch of cleaning stuff, CLR etc.

 

The next morning the now ex wife left at 7am for work. I sprang into action. Starting in the master bath I went crazy, scrubbing everything including the walls, even washing all the various bottles of products on the sink. At 9am I took a break and ordered a couple of flower arraingments, a small one for the bath, and one for the bedroom. It took six hours to get it sparkling. Then I vacumed the floors in the bedroom, put all the new stuff on the bed, hung new curtains on the windows placed the flowers and lit a couple of vanilla candles before jumping in to the shower to scrub off the sweat.

 

When the ex came home at 5:30 she was flabberghasted. We grabbed the kids and went out for dinner. When we got home she was sweet as honey. The rest of the week was fun and happy, none of the usual bickering... and guys... it was a week filled with some of the best sex I ever had.

 

I said here before that in my 25 year marriage I enjoyed about 3 great months, 12 great weeks, and 50 great days... That was one of the great weeks.

 

It was worth the work, and the money spent. A few months later I did a repeat performance on the living room. The results were more mixed.

 

Positive reinforcement is everything. If rewarded with happiness for your efforts, it's easy to evolve into a more involved husband.

[redfathom]

Someone on another board suggested putting a list of the different chores together and arranging a time where we could both sit down and discuss who wanted to do which chores. Since we work the same amount of hours the chores should be equal in time. I mentioned this to my hubby and he said a list sounded great, but...to instead make the list and to mark off what I do then he would look at it and would take care of what ever was left. HAHA, I laughed at that. I told him that just meant I was still doing more work then he was, only now it would be apparant.

 

I told him that wouldn't work because it's not a compeition of who does more and who does less. It's about making things equal. So I said, we should sit down and pick things we would be RESPONSIBLE for every day/week/month, etc.

 

Lakeside, you sound very sweet! I did ask my H to get new cups for the house, but he never did. I guess I will have to do that this weekend. He did call to tell me that he cleaned the 2nd cat box this morning.

 

I find this endearing, but when ever he does something responsible, like cooking instead of eating out, or cleaning, he has to tell me about it. It's like he wants a medal for it!

 

I don't want you all to get the impression that he doesn't do anything, because he does. I have come home to a clean house, clean sheets, etc. It's just that when he does those things he thinks he is doing me a favor instead of just doing what HAS to be done...

[lonelyandfrustrated]

aw, but he is doing you a favor. He's making it easy for you to find things to praise him for! lol.

 

If he really wants that list with your stuff crossed out, I say give it to him! Claim two or three things out of the twenty or so listed and watch his head explode.

[Geishawhelk]

redfathom... either you have a relationship with my partner, and I do think I deserve to know - or I'm schizophrenic.....

 

This is ferkin uncanny....

 

My partner and I have an excellent relationship. but this particular issue has been a fly in the ointment for some time.... 4 years....

since we met, in fact.

At first, I didn't realise that he was that lazy... I just did stuff because 'Awwww, I lubbed him, the widdle darlin'....!'

 

We're (that is, you and me) are in a lose/lose situation.

 

If we give ultimatums, we get told we're nagging and unreasonable. We lose.

If we just leave things so he'll have to do them - they won't get done. We lose.

(longest time a shirt was on the floor by his side of the bed? 7 weeks!)

If we put up and shut up and just do it - they still don't lift a finger.... Guess what? We lose again.

 

I did finally lay it on the line for my P.and tell him we were done. he was a free agent. he could cut loose and do whatever he wanted, and i'd do the same.

 

Seems losing me was too much of a risk, and he's hung the washing out twice in the past week, and taken it in again. And done the washing up.... But yes, like the 9-year old he is, he seeks praise for his efforts!!

 

makes me laugh, but it's soooo exasperating!

 

Want to see how long it lasts before I have to kick @$$ again....

[redfathom]

Haha!! Okay so me, when we first got married I did everything, but I also didn't work or worked PT because I had moved across the country while he was in the Army. I mean I wokr up at 4:00 AM to make hi, breakfast before work, then went back to bed. I made lunch when he came home on his break and I made dinner...I did all the chores, except laundry (most of the time we did it together, ocassionally I did it my myself) because I didn't have a car and had to go a little ways to get to the laundry mat. This was all done out of love! But it continued and now eight years later I still do most of the chores, but I don't dote on him (as much ). If he doesn't put his clothes in the hamper, they don't get washed.

 

He did tell me he was just grumpy because he never does anything on his days off, I explained to him that's not my fault. I reminded him that he sleeps his days away. He was up all night, from 1:00 PM adjusting his sleep, I woke up at 6:30 AM to get ready for work, guess what was still sitting on the table - his dinner from 8:00 PM that night!!

 

One time I cooked dinner and asked him to come help me clean up, I mean I cooked for like an hour. 20 minutes and two more times of me asking him he never came...so I finally cleaned up most of the mess, but I left some for him. He got pissed and told me I was rude and dishonest for making him clean up a few dishes!! Don't worry we fixed that.

 

Geesssshhh about the praise, I am going to buy some gold stars and when he get's 10 in a week I will have sex with him... haha!

 

 

 

Yeah it never last too long...