Kamille Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 I had a date yesterday where Mr. Date at one point felt the need to make a declaration about how much he liked me. Nothing wrong with that, except it was our first date and he said it with loads of romantic intentions. He followed up with something about me being girlfriend material. FIRST DATE! Gah! All I felt was pressure increasing. I pointed out, as kindly as I could, that we hardly knew each other and that I was leaving in two weeks (still globetrotting) - which perhaps meant I wasn't really a good relationship candidate. The thing is, now, because of the intensity of his feelings on a first date, I'm no longer interested in him. It was a complete turn-off. I have to bite the bullet and turn him down if/when he calls. I hate doing that!!
Bells Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 I had a date yesterday where Mr. Date at one point felt the need to make a declaration about how much he liked me. Nothing wrong with that, except it was our first date and he said it with loads of romantic intentions. He followed up with something about me being girlfriend material. FIRST DATE! Gah! All I felt was pressure increasing. I pointed out, as kindly as I could, that we hardly knew each other and that I was leaving in two weeks (still globetrotting) - which perhaps meant I wasn't really a good relationship candidate. The thing is, now, because of the intensity of his feelings on a first date, I'm no longer interested in him. It was a complete turn-off. I have to bite the bullet and turn him down if/when he calls. I hate doing that!! I don't see anything wrong in what he did actually, he just expressed his feelings about how you seemed girlfriend material. But why make a date with someone if you're globetrotting anyways...unless, of course you'll looking for a no strings fling, right?
Author Kamille Posted October 9, 2008 Author Posted October 9, 2008 I don't see anything wrong in what he did actually, he just expressed his feelings about how you seemed girlfriend material. But why make a date with someone if you're globetrotting anyways...unless, of course you'll looking for a no strings fling, right? He asked me out, I said yes which seemed like the fair thing to do. I enjoy meeting people and didn't feel like anything needed to be defined - fling or not. And I disagree. We've been on one date. There is no way he could know whether or not we are compatible. The point of dating is to get to know each other, not throw yourself in a relationship ASAP.
Geishawhelk Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 ....From your POV..... Maybe he sees dates differently. What's right for some, may not work for others. And what you define as material for a first date, may seem tame to him. So it's all a question of personal perception and personal preference. surely....?
Bells Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 He asked me out, I said yes which seemed like the fair thing to do. I enjoy meeting people and didn't feel like anything needed to be defined - fling or not. And I disagree. We've been on one date. There is no way he could know whether or not we are compatible. The point of dating is to get to know each other, not throw yourself in a relationship ASAP. Actually, from the jist of what you initially posted....he sounds like he's not attempting to jump into a relationship...he just stated that you seemed girlfriend material. Actually, it was kind of a good move on HIS part to possibly stay out of the friendzone. I commend this gentleman for voicing his genuineness (if there's such a word, lol). I mean, I found myself stating that in ways that "Hey, we really seemed to hit it off, I'd like to see you again" That's a round about way of saying that you sound like g/f material actually." But, I've heard fiascos.....where a gentleman went on a date with a woman, later sent her flowers at work...all the ladies in the office go "awwwww." But the woman freaks and never calls him again. I just find that rather odd...and I would imagine the female co-workers feel the same way. The guy felt he had a good time with a girl...takes a risk of sending her flowers...and she flakes. What's up with that? Someone's got to make a move somewhere....instead of pussy-footin' around, ya know?
Trialbyfire Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 So what's the big deal? You're not attracted. Hold to your boundaries and walk.
Author Kamille Posted October 9, 2008 Author Posted October 9, 2008 So what's the big deal? You're not attracted. Hold to your boundaries and walk. Rejecting someone is never a fun thing to do. The reason I started this thread was to get different perspectives on the "I like you -I'm looking for a gf and you're gf material perspective". Actually, from the jist of what you initially posted....he sounds like he's not attempting to jump into a relationship...he just stated that you seemed girlfriend material. Actually, it was kind of a good move on HIS part to possibly stay out of the friendzone. I commend this gentleman for voicing his genuineness (if there's such a word, lol). I mean, I found myself stating that in ways that "Hey, we really seemed to hit it off, I'd like to see you again" That's a round about way of saying that you sound like g/f material actually." But, I've heard fiascos.....where a gentleman went on a date with a woman, later sent her flowers at work...all the ladies in the office go "awwwww." But the woman freaks and never calls him again. I just find that rather odd...and I would imagine the female co-workers feel the same way. The guy felt he had a good time with a girl...takes a risk of sending her flowers...and she flakes. What's up with that? Someone's got to make a move somewhere....instead of pussy-footin' around, ya know? Honestly Bells, I wish it could've made me feel swept off my feet, but instead it made me feel trapped. I'm nowhere near considering him like boyfriend material... I don't know him, and, more importantly, I have no idea, apart from that date, how well we interact together. I don't know why some women (myself included) freak when a man moves too fast. I think it's the equivalent of a man being confronted to the "are we in a relationship or not?" conversation too early. He's ready to move faster then I am in a relationship and it makes me feel pressured. I would have appreciated some time where we could get to know each other before any of us feels invested in building a relationship.
Trialbyfire Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 This is a no-brainer. You'll survive. While rejecting someone is never a fun task, ask yourself why rejecting someone after one date is such a big deal to you. Much ado about nothing.
Author Kamille Posted October 9, 2008 Author Posted October 9, 2008 This is a no-brainer. You'll survive. While rejecting someone is never a fun task, ask yourself why rejecting someone after one date is such a big deal to you. Much ado about nothing. I would say it is unpleasant because I have a heart and I suspect he does too and that, since he already seems to be ahead of me feelings wise - he likely won't enjoy being told I'm not interested. It's called empathy. Not everyone has it.
Trialbyfire Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 I would say it is unpleasant because I have a heart and I suspect he does too and that, since he already seems to be ahead of me feelings wise - he likely won't enjoy being told I'm not interested. It's called empathy. Not everyone has it. Yes, empathy is a good thing to have...
Author Kamille Posted October 9, 2008 Author Posted October 9, 2008 Yes, empathy is a good thing to have... Anything bothering you TBF?
2sunny Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 i'm sure if he's doing this to you - he's done it to others... and knows that if he's put his feelings out there so soon - he has set himself up for rejection. you turning him down will not be a new concept to this type of man...don't worry about it.
JamesM Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 2sunny, I disagree respectfully. He may not have done this before. He may have true feelings for Kamille. Besides the fact that she wants to kill threads , she seems quite likable. Here is my question....if you had felt the same way as he did, Kamille, would you have thought he was moving too fast? As an example, my wife and I met a couple of times without really speaking much, and then when we met again we talked and got to know each other. It was not a date. This was over July 4th weekend some 20 years ago. The day I went back to work I told a coworker (well, more than one ) that I had met my wife over the weekend. I just knew. Did I say it to her when we had our first date? No, because I am not that bold. But I could have. So, he is not out of line in my book except that he should have been better at picking up your feelings about him before he spoke up so boldly.
marlena Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 Hi Kamille, Don't make it personal ... just tell him you've decided to take a break from dating for the time being. Think of some excuse..too busy, too soon after another relationship, whatever. That way you let him down gently. Have fun travelling!
Author Kamille Posted October 9, 2008 Author Posted October 9, 2008 Here is my question....if you had felt the same way as he did, Kamille, would you have thought he was moving too fast? I wondered the exact same thing. What if it was someone I had a crush on who had made such a declaration on a first date. And then I tried to think of guys I'm crushing on right now and could not think of anyone. Obviously, building a relationship haven't been ranking very high on my list of priorities. My ex freaked me out with the "you're the one" line when we started dating. His revelation was after date three however. Two things: first, that time I was interested in him - but it still had me throwing wrenches in the courtship process. Second: the fact that I was more cautious about investing in the relationship caused a lot of problems - which might explain why this guy's innocuous enough comments have me running for the hills. Hi Kamille, Don't make it personal ... just tell him you've decided to take a break from dating for the time being. Think of some excuse..too busy, too soon after another relationship, whatever. That way you let him down gently. Have fun travelling! I already told him I don't consider myself a good candidate for a relationship right now - as I was leaving in a few weeks. I want to be honest. I'll leave out the fact that he freaked me out but will say I'm too busy and I don't feel like investing in a LDR. (Both are true).
marlena Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 I want to be honest. I'll leave out the fact that he freaked me out but will say I'm too busy and I don't feel like investing in a LDR. (Both are true). There you have it, then. Not to worry. Hope you are enjoying your travels.
Trialbyfire Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 Anything bothering you TBF? Just returning the favour Kamille! In all seriousness, someone who's putting the pressure on you like that on a first date is one of two things: Desperate for a relationship.Playing you. No matter what it is, if you're not feeling it, it's a kindness to make a clean cut sooner, rather than later.
JamesM Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 In all seriousness, someone who's putting the pressure on you like that on a first date is one of two things: Desperate for a relationship.Playing you. 3. Has an intense attraction for you and knows if he does not tell you now, he may never get to tell you. No matter what it is, if you're not feeling it, it's a kindness to make a clean cut sooner, rather than later. This is the summary of the whole problem...and the solution.
Author Kamille Posted October 9, 2008 Author Posted October 9, 2008 Just returning the favour Kamille! In all seriousness, someone who's putting the pressure on you like that on a first date is one of two things: Desperate for a relationship.Playing you.No matter what it is, if you're not feeling it, it's a kindness to make a clean cut sooner, rather than later. Thanks TBF - I was well aware of the returned favour. The difference is that I am ending things... You haven't . There you have it, then. Not to worry. Hope you are enjoying your travels. I'm starting to look foward to a time where I can finally settle down for awhile. It starts on December 1st. But for the date: you guys are right. I think I owe it to this guy, who has been nothing but a gentleman, to end things properly.
Trialbyfire Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 Thanks TBF - I was well aware of the returned favour. The difference is that I am ending things... You haven't . We're still together for the balance of this week. We'll see how it plays out but as far as I'm concerned, the minute he steps on that plane, it's over. While he wants to continue, there's no way I will. I could fall for this guy if I let myself. I won't since there's no future in it. We both went into this as adults with our eyes wide open for the short-term. I haven't changed my mind and I can't help that he's changed his mind. In your situation, he's already freaked you out and you've lost attraction. I don't see it as the same issue.
Bells Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 I would say it is unpleasant because I have a heart and I suspect he does too and that, since he already seems to be ahead of me feelings wise - he likely won't enjoy being told I'm not interested. It's called empathy. Not everyone has it. Well, chances are you guys just aren't on the same page then I dont know if it'll change things if you were actually interested in him though, I'm gussing not?
Capricciosa Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Did you like him before he told you you were girlfriend material? I understand feeling trapped, as I have been known to run from people who like me, and attach myself to the "challenges," thus insuring I always live in uncertainty and longing. Just wondering.
Trimmer Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Did you like him before he told you you were girlfriend material? I understand feeling trapped, as I have been known to run from people who like me, and attach myself to the "challenges," thus insuring I always live in uncertainty and longing. Just wondering. That was my question, too. Is the "girlfriend material" comment just a red herring that attracted your attention, but in fact, you just weren't interested in him in general, irrespective of that comment? It's easy to pick those out as "the issue" when it may just be simpler that you aren't feeling it with this guy and don't want to go on another date with him. As someone else asked, if you had found yourself strongly attracted to him, would his comments have worried you, or turned you on? (I know you kind of danced around this question, and it's a hard one to answer, as you can only speculate, but...)
Author Kamille Posted October 10, 2008 Author Posted October 10, 2008 To be honest, my interest level wasn't very high to start out with. But he is nice and we were having a good time on the date and I have been known to fall for people given a certain amount of time. Last night I thought of a guy I met this summer for whom I felt a strong attraction. I think if he asked me out and then told me he liked me and saw me as girlfriend material I might be thrilled. I'm not sure though. I almost ended things with my ex, to whom I felt a strong attraction, when he said pretty much the same thing this guy said.
Capricciosa Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Last night I thought of a guy I met this summer for whom I felt a strong attraction. I think if he asked me out and then told me he liked me and saw me as girlfriend material I might be thrilled. I'm not sure though. I almost ended things with my ex, to whom I felt a strong attraction, when he said pretty much the same thing this guy said. That was also my point. Why do you find it such a turn off when someone likes you, while wishing some other guy who isn't putting out his feelings (or even asking you out), so to speak, elicits thrill? I too have had this problem, so I'm curious. Maybe your attraction requires unavailability, consciously or unconsciously?
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