smithbrain Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 Hello I recently bumped into this problem When I was in high school I went out with a girl for about 2-3 years she was my sweetheart but she was real party girl we talked about it and I told her that you can party all you want but NO DRUGS. Eventually she ended up taking drugs and almost overdosed when I found out I dumped her as I didn’t want to share my life with a druggie. She was real heart broken over it and she kept asking me for a second chance but I stood by my decision. After that I went off to college but about 2 months ago I moved back home and met her at a friends house we started talking and one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together I admit I may have led her on a little bit by saying things like “I love you”, “I really miss you”, “I want us to be together again and this time forever”. But eventually I decided to get rid of her and told her politely in private at a mutual friend’s party that I didn’t want to see her anymore. She caused such a big commotion it humiliated me and since then she has been coming into my office randomly and ringing my mobile in the middle of the night. I had an important meeting with a client one day and she was able to come right into my office because she told my employees that she was my girlfriend. My dad suggested that I may have been too harsh with her but I made up my mind I don’t want her. What do I do to get rid of her this time forever?
Geishawhelk Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 You leave a 'photo of her in reception, or with security and tell them, in no uncertain terms that she is NOT your GF, she is making trouble for you, and that if she pulls a stunt like that again, they can call the Police. You can block her on your 'phone, (most mobiles now have a number barred facility. If your phone doesn't have one, change it.) You can advise ytour family it's getting silly and enlist their help in preventing her from contacting you, and you can take legal advice on what to do and when, should the situation escalate. Yes, you were a dumba$$ to tell her all those things, but Elizabeth Taylor told 7 husbands the same thing, so we all make mistakes..... Finally - FINALLY - phone her, and tell her that this cannot continue, you will not tolerate her intruding into your business and public life, and if she persists you'll have no choice but to take drastic action. If she says - "Oh yeah? Like what?" answer - go too far, and you'll find out. Hang up, and never, ever speak to her direct again, either through you contacting her or V.V.
stillafool Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 Tell her if she doesn't leave you alone you will be forced to get a "restraining order" against her. In the meantime do not take her calls or talk to her. She'll get the message.
Author smithbrain Posted October 10, 2008 Author Posted October 10, 2008 Geishawhelk you are absolutely right I am dumba$$ for not thinking with my head and thinking with something below my waist. I already had blocked her on my mobile told the receptionist that she is not allowed to see me and that she was not my gf. But although I want to I really can't pursue legal action against her because then everybody will think of me as a monster. But just when I was getting on top of things but wouldn’t you know it my treacherous friends have taken her side. They said that what I was doing was cruel and immoral. One of my good friends even said that "I have probably taken more party drugs then her so are you going to stop being friends with me now because of that". Also apparently she has told one of her friends that if I don't hook up with her that she will do everything she can to break up my other relationships. This is really scaring me now other people are starting to think that what I did is wrong. Please give me some suggestion how can I get out of this situation.
Stockalone Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Correct me if I am wrong, but it seems that you lied to this woman only to get into her pants. And you knew that she still had feelings and wanted to get back together with you. You should be glad that so far, no one has kicked your a** for being a jerk. Apologize for leading her on and acting like a jerk. Then tell her that she isn't acting in her best interest. If you have no other choice but get a restraining order, she might jeopardy her future over this. Do you have mutual friends? Maybe they can help her, because it doesn't seem like she is thinking straight. She is angry, and rightfully so, but her friends should tell her that her actions are only driven by anger and anger is not a good adviser.
Author smithbrain Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 First of all Stockalone I don't think I am a jerk. I think I am an honorable and decent person. She used party DRUGS when she promised me she wouldn’t she deserves every bad thing that happens to her for using drugs. I tried to take all of your advice and stay away from her and not get in contact with her but she just doesn’t seem to get the message. I tried to enlist the help of my friends and family but they don't want to help me they think that I am being an a**hole to her. She confronted me again this time when I was alone she started crying so much she couldn’t speak properly. She accused me of using her for sex and playing with her emotions and said that if didn’t hook up with her she was going to hurt herself and write a letter saying that I was the reason why she did this. I thought about it and I don't want to get rid of her completely anymore I want to keep her as a mistress on the side but I know that she will never accept this and I don't want to get a restraining order against her as we both have the same circle of friends. A lot of people already think that I am an a**hole this will just confirm their beliefs. What can I say to her that will communicate my wishes to her without having to say the words directly?
Geishawhelk Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 First of all Stockalone I don't think I am a jerk. ......... I thought about it and I don't want to get rid of her completely anymore I want to keep her as a mistress on the side but I know that she will never accept this ............What can I say to her that will communicate my wishes to her without having to say the words directly? No, I think Stockalone is right. I think you are a jerk. Get her to post on forum, and we'll tell her to keep right away from you, because harming yourself for a jerk isn't worth it, and she can do a lot better. Always glad to help those in need.....
Stockalone Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 First of all Stockalone I don't think I am a jerk. I think I am an honorable and decent person. She used party DRUGS when she promised me she wouldn’t she deserves every bad thing that happens to her for using drugs. It's one thing if you wouldn't be heartbroken should something bad happen to her, but it is entirely different to actually be the one who willfully causes her harm. I even understand the urge to get even with people who wronged you. However, you had already broken up with her when she violated your trust by lying to you and using drugs when she said she wouldn't. Was that not enough? I tried to take all of your advice and stay away from her and not get in contact with her but she just doesn’t seem to get the message. I tried to enlist the help of my friends and family but they don't want to help me they think that I am being an a**hole to her. I would think that if both your family and friends disapprove of your actions, that should merit some thought. Toying with someone's emotions can hardly be considered to be the honourable and decent thing to do. She confronted me again this time when I was alone she started crying so much she couldn’t speak properly. She accused me of using her for sex and playing with her emotions and said that if didn’t hook up with her she was going to hurt herself and write a letter saying that I was the reason why she did this. I thought about it and I don't want to get rid of her completely anymore I want to keep her as a mistress on the side but I know that she will never accept this and I don't want to get a restraining order against her as we both have the same circle of friends. Blackmailing you to stay with her is not right either. If you had stayed away from her after you broke up because of her drug use, I could have understood that. The thing is, you didn't stay away from her. She now needs help from someone who cares about her. Clearly, you don't care about her. If you messed with her as a form of payback, guess what, payback is a b*tch. You got your revenge and now you have to deal with the consequences.
Nevermind Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Oh my, aren't you a sweetheart? Stay away from the woman. If you won't, my bet is that sooner or later your circle of friends will get a lot smaller. You're just showing everybody around you what you are capable of - and it isn't pretty. Leave her alone.
Vertex Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 It seems fairly clear that you were indeed using her. You admitted to leading her on, and you even claimed one of your desires was to "have her as a mistress on the side." That entire sentence basically implies that you basically don't have any intention of caring for her in any real capacity -- just as some sort of backup-pleasure. You lied to her and appealed to one of her stronger desires (to have a relationship with you) when you had no real intention of doing so, and you did this just to have sex with her. It's really no wonder that people are pissed off at you. You were simply dragging her along for your own benefit. You want her to basically shut up and give you sex on the side and not demand any form of direct affection or argument. She is clearly not that type of person. You guys want different things, and you were wrong to make her think you guys were on the same page. No, having her barge into your workplace and such is not acceptable, either. Neither is blackmail. But if drug-use was such a dealbreaker for you, you should have stuck to your guns. Telling her that drug-use was a dealbreaker sends one message -- having sex and declaring love afterwards sends a mixed one. She has every right to be pissed the hell off at you right now, frankly. At the very least, you can try to ask your friends that if they won't help you, then they should at least help her. Make sure they help her level off her emotions and calm her down so she won't do anything foolish to herself. Professional help may be relevant if it's a truly big issue. In the meantime, it would be best for you to leave her alone.
FotoGrl Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Ya know ... even men who have "mistresses on the side" treat their mistresses with decency and affection. Obviously you have no idea how to tread a real human being, much less a woman who has feelings and emotions. How do you tell someone you love them and want to be with them forever and then dump them after they've had sex with you and expect people to be on your side. You created this situation with lies and manipulation. Sorry. I have no sympathy. .
Author smithbrain Posted October 19, 2008 Author Posted October 19, 2008 I think really really really need advice the situation is just out of control. You see I didn’t sleep with her just once or twice but I have been sleeping with her for about 10 months now. I completely agree that I led her on for 10 months when I told her that I love her and I forgave her. But deep down inside all I wanted was just to have her in bed but now she is becoming too much of a burden in my life I told her that I don’t want her as my girlfriend anymore but I just want to keep her on the side as my mistress. She said no “my heart comes with my body you can’t have one without the other” she went and told all my friends what I did to her and everyone in my family thinks I am a monster. A lot of my childhood friends are very cold towards me. I asked one of them why he was acting this way he said “you have become a complete a**hole. I can’t recognize my friend in you anymore”. This is really really not fair I don’t deserve this why can’t she just accept that she is my mistress and not my girlfriend.I didn’t mistreat her in that 10 months I was very very romantic with her. Once I covered my bed in rose petals before we slept together. She said that was the nicest anyone ever did for her. I mean I don’t want to be with her except when I am in bed with her. What can I possibly say to her so she will accept this? Please help me I am starting to loose my friends over this incident now most of them think that I am an a**hole.
Geishawhelk Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 Iwhy can’t she just accept that she is my mistress and not my girlfriend. B-E_C_A_U_S_E_ SHE DOESN'T W_A_N_T T_O.....!!! Why should she, just because it's what you want? What about what she wants? You don't wnt what she wants, why the hell should she therefore do what you want - ?! I didn’t mistreat her in that 10 months I was very very romantic with her. Once I covered my bed in rose petals before we slept together. She said that was the nicest anyone ever did for her. I mean I don’t want to be with her except when I am in bed with her. What can I possibly say to her so she will accept this? Please help me I am starting to loose my friends over this incident now most of them think that I am an a**hole. No. They know you are. That's the way you come across, that's the way you project yourself, that's the way you are. Don't even think about staying in touch with her, or just using her for sex. OK? Establish NC, move out of the state, get another job, make new friends. Do what it takes, but you're the one who's crapping up here. Not her.
BubblyPopcorn Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 It’s like the whole band aid theory, you have to rip off the bandage in one full swoop. It’s hard too, yes, but the damage is already done, beyond repair so just cut contact completely. Change your phone number, do whatever you have to but for the love of God, LEAVE HER ALONE. Your both responsible for the situation your in but if she's heavily into drugs, then obviously she is more unstable. Whatever you have done or would continue to do, confuses her all the more so if you care about her AT ALL, stay out of her life completely. It is the best thing you could ever do for yourself and for her and I am sure there are plenty of other women out there for you to have sex with. And after some time has passed, then perhaps you can try mending the relationship(s) with your friends.
torranceshipman Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 Seriously, anyone on the infidelity, dating or OW/OM forum that can't understand how a person is being selfish and hurting them for their own selfish pleasure...READ THIS! Dude, I can't believe how you see the world, and that you think the way you're acting is okay. My heart goes out to this poor girl, who you treat like crap. No wonder your family and friends think you're an a**hole because that is 100% how you're acting towards her, and you've hurt her so much, that now she wants to hurt herself! It's not too late to right the wrongs though-if you wrote her a heartfelt letter or told her face to face that you acknowledge and are so sorry for the fact that you disrespected her and were horrible to her, and now you regret being an ass 100%, then I think she would be able to feel better about this. Make it clear that you will never make a move on her again and leave her be. Asking her to be a mistress on the side and saying I love you to her to get sex is kind of low life and disgusting and if you apologise for that as well-and tell your friends how bad you feel about being such a horrible ass, that you've made a mistake and want to be forgiven-then I think thy will slowly forgive you too. You need to realise tho that the way you think is fundamentally not ok-girls arent just objects for your pleasure and your family and friends have got a point in the things that they're saying to you.
prettybaby Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 Wow, and you're surprised she's going out of her way like that? You told her you loved her and wanted to be with her forever and then you slept with her. Now you've suddenly changed your mind and want to completely shut her out ... What is wrong with you?? Sorry, but I co-sign the jerk part. I'd be so deeply hurt if I was in her shoes, I don't know what I would do. She must be feeling so betrayed, hurt, and confused. She clearly still had feelings for you and you're being awfully cold towards her. Did it ever cross your mind that you could simply talk it out with her? Why not have a coffee with her and calmly discuss it all together? I get the feeling there is zero communication on your part, so it's no wonder things got out of hand. You seriously need to talk to her and let her get everything off her chest too. She probably needs at least one good constructive conversation with you in order for her to move on.
Stockalone Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 But deep down inside all I wanted was just to have her in bed but now she is becoming too much of a burden in my life I told her that I don’t want her as my girlfriend anymore but I just want to keep her on the side as my mistress. She said no “my heart comes with my body you can’t have one without the other” she went and told all my friends what I did to her and everyone in my family thinks I am a monster. A lot of my childhood friends are very cold towards me. I asked one of them why he was acting this way he said “you have become a complete a**hole. I can’t recognize my friend in you anymore”. This is really really not fair I don’t deserve this why can’t she just accept that she is my mistress and not my girlfriend. Gee, I wonder why she wouldn't want to be your mistress? Seriously, do you not understand why she is hurt by your behaviour? She has made it clear that she won't accept anything less than a bf/gf relationship. And by now, she shouldn't want to have anything to do with you. You could have given her the "wanna be my mistress" speech when you moved back home after college and see if she would agree to this. Instead, you chose to lie to her to get her to sleep with you. And I am sure you knew all along that she would only sleep with you in a "real" relationship. Why else would you have lied to her in the first place instead of asking her is she would be okay with being nothing more than a booty call? I didn’t mistreat her in that 10 months I was very very romantic with her. Once I covered my bed in rose petals before we slept together. She said that was the nicest anyone ever did for her. I mean I don’t want to be with her except when I am in bed with her. What can I possibly say to her so she will accept this? Please help me I am starting to loose my friends over this incident now most of them think that I am an a**hole. To be honest, it doesn't even seem like you want a mistress. It appears that you are looking for a masturbation tool, a sex doll with a pulse. And you are wondering why your ex doesn't want that? I am truly amazed and appalled at how self-centered you are. She doesn't want to be your sex doll! Pure and simple. I don't know, maybe you really are not capable of seeing that what you did was wrong. In that case, I feel sorry for you. Still, your friends and even your family is telling you that what you did was wrong. Isn't that reason enough to take some time and try to understand where they are coming from? I wish you luck in salvaging those friendships that aren't already irrevocably damaged by your actions. In time, you may regain the respect of your friends. I would put my efforts towards that goal instead of trying to get that poor girl to become your mistress.
prettybaby Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 Oh my, I had only read your first post and just now saw your latest message. I have no words. My heart goes out to this poor girl. I hope she finds the strength to move on and find inner peace. She'll obviously have to do it without your help, because you seem to have no empathy whatsoever. I triple co-sign the jerk part.
torranceshipman Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 I make it 4 on the jerk sign off....sorry dude, you deserve it.
shadowplay Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 Your comments are such a ridiculous parody of a stereotypical male douchebag, that I'm starting to actually wonder if this is a troll post. God help you if you're being honest.
Lizzie60 Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 Hello I recently bumped into this problem When I was in high school I went out with a girl for about 2-3 years she was my sweetheart but she was real party girl we talked about it and I told her that you can party all you want but NO DRUGS. Eventually she ended up taking drugs and almost overdosed when I found out I dumped her as I didn’t want to share my life with a druggie. She was real heart broken over it and she kept asking me for a second chance but I stood by my decision. After that I went off to college but about 2 months ago I moved back home and met her at a friends house we started talking and one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together I admit I may have led her on a little bit by saying things like “I love you”, “I really miss you”, “I want us to be together again and this time forever”. But eventually I decided to get rid of her and told her politely in private at a mutual friend’s party that I didn’t want to see her anymore. She caused such a big commotion it humiliated me and since then she has been coming into my office randomly and ringing my mobile in the middle of the night. I had an important meeting with a client one day and she was able to come right into my office because she told my employees that she was my girlfriend. My dad suggested that I may have been too harsh with her but I made up my mind I don’t want her. What do I do to get rid of her this time forever? Just tell her to leave you alone.. and if she doesn't, you can get a 'warrant' .. that might scare her off.. I suppose she's not 17 yr old..(you seem to be a professional) but she acts like a HS girl.. get rid of her somehow.. if she can't deal with the break.. that's HER problem..
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