How to overcome feelings of resentment

October 9, 2008

Hi everyone!

Been lurking in this forum for close to a year now and finally decided to post. I have the same story as most have - fell in love with a guy (for an unhealthy amount of time - 3 years), turned out I was just strung along and played for a fool, was devastated, in denial. I've done the no contact only to give in due to weakness on my part.

I've been in no contact (again) for close to 2 months now. Yeah I do feel stronger and it's the ONLY and BEST way to deal with something that you know you really don't have much of a choice.

I'm settled with not speaking to him and have been trying to accept that it will never be because I'm aware too that holding on to false hope is unproductive and unhealthy and that I deserve more.

I admit that I have been so stupid and stubborn but I really just wanted to be happy. Sadly, I never was. Only became devastatingly miserable, depressed.

After years of foolishness, I find myself now a very angry person. I deep inside loathe and resent bf/gf's, married people,happy people and even kids! I loathe how happy they are, how they can seem to make a relationship work and all other feelings of envy and jealousy. I hate them.

I don't know why I've become like this. It probably has something to do with self-esteem issues but I've been trying so damn hard to not be angry and to be a more subdued, happy, mellow person. But I just can't. I've been trying to avoid going to places where I know there'd be couples just so that I won't feel the way I feel anymore. I can't go out anymore because when I go out, my inadequacies seem to stare at me right in front of my face.

I just want to know how to get rid of the resentment and this sadness that I feel almost all of the time.

Thanks for taking the time to read. Help please...

October 9, 2008

Hi Hersheys. And welcome to LS

As I was reading your post, I realized, "Hey! *I* am a happy person in a happy relationship...and that means that *I* am one of the people that Hersheys is loathing and resenting."

So. I found that very interesting. The thing is, that I've had my share of emotional pain, suffering and trauma. And I suspect that most people who do what they have to do, in order to ultimately find happiness, have also experienced deep levels of hurt and disappointment. I guess we just don't carry it around on our sleeves, where you can notice it.

The other thing is that I worked, and continue to work, darned hard to be happy. Every day, it is a choice that I make, to look for positives and find ways to be satisfied and happy with things that are within my control, as well as whatever hurdles Life puts in my path.

Maybe it's the difference between choosing to have an optimistic mindset, or a pessimistic one? I'm not sure.

But it was an interesting experience -- not "good" or "bad" -- to realize that I could be resented by complete strangers, for my hard-fought happiness . So. Thanks for facilitating that insight for me. Hopefully, I or someone else here at LS will facilitate something 'new' for you, too.

Wishing you brighter days ahead...if that is what you desire for yourself. (Cos I'm honestly not sure -- maybe you have found your own comfortable niche in exactly the place you are now?)

October 9, 2008

Thanks Ronni!

I didn't mean to make happy people in happy relationships feel bad. Sorry for that. It's just that I want the feeling to go away. I feel guilty for feeling this way and I've told myself countless times that these people aren't doing any harm to me so why should I be mad. I'm afraid to go out because I know that when I see couples I'm sure that that terrible feeling will be there.

Thanks for the advice. LS has been helpful to me. I've learned so much!

October 9, 2008

I have a friend who sounds very much like you. In fact, while reading your post, I looked for a cluue that would give away if it was her! Hmmm.

Anyway, my friend is generally a negative person. She has been single for quite some time and has an awful kind of on/off F buddy relationship with a man that ...is just bad for her. Her self esteem, while never high, is further undermined by this relationship - and while involved with him to any degree - she is not putting herself in any position (emotional or otherwise) to meet someone better.

Her negativity affects the whole of her life and outlook. I very often play down any good things that are happening in my life, just so she doesnt compare her own. Still, I hear an edge when my husband comes up.

But I love her - and I know her negative feelings are not in anyway a complete and true reflection of her heart!

I really wish you were her because you are working on removing this cancer from your life.

October 9, 2008

I know how you feel. I had a terrible break-up a year ago. After that, I started dating someone last winter who I think is just the most amazing person in the world; I care about him so much and have so much love and respect for him. However, he has just done a 180 (in a bad sense) in terms of talking about the future, which now seems completely uncertain. I am afraid that he is going to break up with me. Afraid because I love him and think that we could make an amazing life together. But also I am afraid because I don't want to become defeated and broken, and I feel like that's where I'm headed.

I know what you mean about resenting people who are happy and in secure relationships. I find myself wondering why everyone else can have these things and I can't. I don't think I am less lovable than any of my friends who are married or in long-term relationships, and I don't think I'm less capable of compromising and doing the things you need to make a relationship work. But yet it never works out for me and I can't take it anymore.

So, sorry, I don't have any advice for you, just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

October 9, 2008

Hi 2sure!

I feel the same way as your friend does.

It was never a healthy and fulfilling relationship. I feel terrible now why I ever got myself sucked into the whole charade. The unanswered questions and the little glimmer of hope that time and time again - dashed.

I chose to finally stop fooling myself as I was just too tired, too broken. Everyday for years I was hoping so bad that he would come around and do something that would make me feel like I was not just wasting my time. NEVER happened.

I understand your friend's situation. It's a difficult state to be in. The negativity and resentment has lot to do with disappointments and frustrations that we dealt with and are dealing with up to now.

October 9, 2008

I know how you feel. I had a terrible break-up a year ago. After that, I started dating someone last winter who I think is just the most amazing person in the world; I care about him so much and have so much love and respect for him. However, he has just done a 180 (in a bad sense) in terms of talking about the future, which now seems completely uncertain. I am afraid that he is going to break up with me. Afraid because I love him and think that we could make an amazing life together. But also I am afraid because I don't want to become defeated and broken, and I feel like that's where I'm headed.

I know what you mean about resenting people who are happy and in secure relationships. I find myself wondering why everyone else can have these things and I can't. I don't think I am less lovable than any of my friends who are married or in long-term relationships, and I don't think I'm less capable of compromising and doing the things you need to make a relationship work. But yet it never works out for me and I can't take it anymore.

So, sorry, I don't have any advice for you, just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

I know exactly how you feel! It's not their fault but you know the achy feeling of why can't I have what they have, why can't I seem to make it right. When I go out, I know I'd be seeing couples again and I can't help but feel terrible and empty. I just want to be loved. I know that I should love myself first, yes I'm trying to (lol) work out my issues and be a better person but does it really have to be this hard.

October 9, 2008

but does it really have to be this hard.

In my own experience, yes -- for some unknown-to-me reason, it is really tough, especially at the beginning. But it does get easier...I know that, too.

I'm not sure if this page on 'negative (emotional) garbage' will be of any use to you -- you may have to adapt some of the concepts to suit your specific situation.

http://www.coping.org/innerhealing/dump.htm Or perhaps something from this index page: http://www.coping.org/anger/content.htm

When I started my own healing, I also found that keeping a 'gratitude journal' for a few months really helped me a lot. This link is from a google search: http://www.simpleabundance.com/gratitude_journal.html

And the top part of this page looks good, too: http://www.seedsofknowledge.com/journals4.html

Your biggest success, right now --and it is a HUGE one-- is that you've recognized a thought pattern that you want to change. Sometimes THAT'S really the hardest part...so you've already taken a giant leap forward! Best of luck with the rest of it.

October 9, 2008

Thanks Ronni for the helpful links! I will definitely check them all out.

I really want to change and address these things that I'm going through as it has affected my life in a lot of ways. I was not like this before. I used to be a fun-loving person. I just want my old life back....but even if I don't, I hope to somehow improve my situation and make it better. You know, little steps. : )

October 9, 2008

Most people identify anger as a negative emotion, and it is in most cases. But in this situation, instead of letting this anger fizzle out, you can use this anger to your advantage. My anger at my ex has driven me to change so much about my life. In fact, I have never felt this much drive and motivation in my entire life until the day she dumped me. If I hadn't be dumped, right now I'd be on the road to becoming a drug addict psychologist making a measly 50k a year. After this traumatic break-up, I want nothing more than to make her regret her decision. I've started working out, I've started playing the bass guitar, I'm going back to school in 3 months with the intention of being a corporate lawyer and making the big bucks. When she sees me at our highschool reunion in 10 years, I want her to cringe at how nice my car is, I want her to cringe at how beautiful my wife is and how nice her clothes are. I want her to WISH that she had stayed with me, and didn't dump me for the stud- basketball player during our freshman year of college. When she tries to talk to me, I'll be very nice and sweet, remind her of our high school days and then insinuate how much better her life would be had she stayed at me.

Regardless of the specifics of a situation, revenge can drive you to untold lengths. Let it into your body and turn it into an instrument for your ascension into success.

October 9, 2008

Most people identify anger as a negative emotion, and it is in most cases. But in this situation, instead of letting this anger fizzle out, you can use this anger to your advantage. My anger at my ex has driven me to change so much about my life. In fact, I have never felt this much drive and motivation in my entire life until the day she dumped me. If I hadn't be dumped, right now I'd be on the road to becoming a drug addict psychologist making a measly 50k a year. After this traumatic break-up, I want nothing more than to make her regret her decision. I've started working out, I've started playing the bass guitar, I'm going back to school in 3 months with the intention of being a corporate lawyer and making the big bucks. When she sees me at our highschool reunion in 10 years, I want her to cringe at how nice my car is, I want her to cringe at how beautiful my wife is and how nice her clothes are. I want her to WISH that she had stayed with me, and didn't dump me for the stud- basketball player during our freshman year of college. When she tries to talk to me, I'll be very nice and sweet, remind her of our high school days and then insinuate how much better her life would be had she stayed at me.

Regardless of the specifics of a situation, revenge can drive you to untold lengths. Let it into your body and turn it into an instrument for your ascension into success.

True! After a break up when things are starting to clear up we begin to realize that we really do not want to stay miserable forever and begin to help ourselves. It's a great thing that you're going back to school. Good luck! : )

October 9, 2008

reading your post I could have wrote it. The other day my friend told me he was going to break up with his gf and my sick mind felt good knowing he wouldn't be in a realtionship and he a happy couple. And I ute that feeling.

October 10, 2008

reading your post I could have wrote it. The other day my friend told me he was going to break up with his gf and my sick mind felt good knowing he wouldn't be in a realtionship and he a happy couple. And I ute that feeling.

It's what I'm trying to get rid of. I hate being like this. Everytime I see them couples, it's like a jackhammer in my mind - how they make it work, they must be so happy, why I don't deserve what they have, is he nice to other girls, why he never wanted to make things right with me. I can't seem to control what I think and feel.

October 10, 2008

I can't seem to control what I think and feel.

Hersheys, the good news is that you can! You have the TOTAL power and authority to put different thoughts into your own head.

It MAY take some effort and practice (like when you're learning any new subject or habit) but...yes, you can control what you think...you honestly are that powerful (or 'empowered', if you prefer.) You do have that freedom to choose 'better' for your own mind, heart and soul!!!

I promise and swear it .

October 10, 2008

Resentment is holding onto anger, so, try to... Forgive yourself. Forgive him. Forgive life. You may need to do this over and over.

This may sound kind of grim but Albert Ellis would say much unhappiness comes from these 2 ideas, that we get ingrained into our heads somehow:

"Other people must treat me fairly"

"Life must treat me fairly"

According to Ellis, neither of these are true. I can also experimentally confirm this.

Ellis offers hope in the way of pointing out this other misconception:

"I absolutely must have another persons love in order to be happy and to function"

That doesn't have to be the case, according to him. The truth is closer to something like this:

"Though I'd prefer to have another persons love, I can be reasonably happy without it, albeit, perhaps not quite as happy as I would be with it"

This is what's called "rational" thinking.

As for thoughts, I don't think most people claim that you can CONTROL the thoughts in your head, indeed, "radio doom and gloom" seems to broadcast on and off for all of us. The dispute is over what to do with the thoughts... some say dispute them, and try to be more rational (Ellis's approach, and the CBT approach in general). The positive psychology guys say try to drown them out with positive thoughts (this never really sat well with me). The ACT people say simply accept them, realize there is nothing to them, and don't pay them much attention (very Buddhist). In the ACT theory, by being decidedly unconcerned with them, they end up losing their power. ACT would say to take the same approach with emotions... just accept them as being there.

I like the ACT approach and the CBT approach. I accept them, then later when I'm feeling better I take a look at them to decide if there was anything to them, or if it was just irrational jumble. I throw a little positive psychology in too, for good measure.

October 10, 2008

Great advice already provided. Maybe some physical activity could help you to burn off some of the feelings of anger you are experiencing? Apparently boxing is very good.

October 10, 2008

It's what I'm trying to get rid of. I hate being like this. Everytime I see them couples, it's like a jackhammer in my mind - how they make it work, they must be so happy, why I don't deserve what they have, is he nice to other girls, why he never wanted to make things right with me. I can't seem to control what I think and feel.

Hersheys,

Reach into that noggin of yours and take charge. Seeing people happy is normally a contagious thing - meaning you should be happy too. There's nothing wrong with people being happy together. As suggested before, take the time to improve yourself and let go of anger - you will attract what you put forth, but your judgement will spare you of making the wrong decisions.

Think about your married friends whom are happy together. Isn't that a good thing?

October 11, 2008

Those are insightful advice!

Ronni,

It's always been my goal to improve what I feel and my way of thinking. I admit that haven't been good company for a long time. I'm trying to do the necessary steps to be better months from now. I don't want to feel this way forever. Before, I held on to the hope that if only we are together, things would be fine and I can fully live my life but I realize now that that is such a ridiculous thought. My hope back then kept me from moving forward.

I did everything to make the relationship work. It didn't because it will never work out if the other is not willing to and now I can say that my 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' are gone.

I know that when I truly let go that my resentment will soon disappear. I can say now that the 'relationship' itself is easier to let go but the residual feelings left inside us are the ones that are more difficult to deal with.

electric sheep,

It truly is forgiveness that will quiet down all these thoughts. The ACT approach is interesting. I've tried to drown out these thoughts by positive reinforcement and it too didn't do much for me. I reached a point when the positive thoughts lost it's effect on me BUT I now realize that they did not have any effect because my thoughts were not in accord of my actions.

I'd like to get to the point that I'm able to ignore and be unconcerned of my thought process. You are correct about just accepting the thoughts and emotions as being there. It's true because when I wake up the thoughts and emotions will still be there, they will not just magically disappear. It's how I choose to accept and handle them that matters.

You'reasian,

What I only want is to be able to look at them without feeling anything and without all these thoughts that seem to automatically switch on everytime I see couples, happy people. I feel bad really for being like this. As I said previously that I have not been good company for a long time and I don't want to stay this way.

Eve,

I have goals set out and physical activity is one of them. Years ago before all these, I loved to go out and explore a lot of different places and activities. I really want to have those good times back.

I'm bent on improving my situation. I don't care how many months or even years it would take me to not anymore go through what I went through and still going through.

Thanks for all the advice! It helps to know that I'm not alone and that there are those who understand and can relate to my situation.

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