gwynieatpain Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 I was a 26 year old girl who "was planned" to marry in May next year. However, my fiancée called for break up 3 days ago. I was devastated and needed some advice. We met 7 years ago and have been together for 5 years. 2 years ago he proposed to me making me believed that he was the one for me and it would never change. However, things are not going in the way I want. After my graduation 2 years ago I have to go back to my home country because I was no longer able to stay in Australia without a valid visa. He then proposed to me and said he would take me back by all means. I took the ring and left the country and promised him that I would come back 2 years later once we are both able to establish ourselves. Our relationship remained strong (I believe) during the time we were apart. I kept going back for holiday 2 to 3 times a year. We called and emails and webcams and tried everything to keep our communication regularly. I love him so much I was so prepared to live my rest of my life with him I believed there was nothing can stop us to be together. In September, we agreed that it was time we should get back together. I started doing all the paper works with the local government and managed to ready the document in late September. I thought it went well since he looked quite happy for me to go back. I asked where shall I sent him the marriage notification, office or home. He quickly sent me back his work address and of course, I went DHL the document and quited my job on the same day since it required 2 months notification to conclude my employment. Things changed in only 2 days. After I told him I quited my job and the marriage notification is on the way. He told me he was scared, was simply not ready and he wasn't the one for me. He didn't carry the same feeling towards me as he used to. I was shocked, and hopeless. I tried to look for a reason from him via email ('am not feeling comfortable to talk to him on the phone right now). He simply repeated the same thing, saying he found the new side of his by living alone, he has grown up without me and it was better to end our relationship now. It happened in only 2 days. I was completely lost. It hurts me as well as my family deeply. I lost my direction. My job will end in early Dec but I'm not functioning, not able to go to work and called sick for the week. I cried everyday since then. Even though trying my best to eat, I vomited at the end. It is too much to bear. I went to doctor, went to counsellings, buy myself a self-help book ... try all means to make myself better in these three days. I told myself this is not the end of the world. I did ok, though it is hard for me to start eating. My strategy is, to put it aside and make myself as comfortable as I can. But he doesn't allow me to do so ... Constant emails and msg about settling our money has been annoying me ... we have a bank account to save certain amount of money for wedding where those money was from his parent's blessing. I have no intention to keep it now but when money is now on deposit I beg him for giving me time for 1) getting myself emotionally stable and 2) it takes time to undo the fix deposit (his emails for asking back for money was only 3 days ago and hasn't stopped till now). He said he would ship my stuff back in these emails and said time will heal me. Sometimes he wrote it softly, sometimes he wrote it angrily. It hurts me every time I saw it ... This sudden change has made me a lot of guessing: Does he has someone else now? Was I materialistic ( but ask him to buy me stuff for a year)? Was it very stressful to be with me physically and if so, why doesn't he tell me so we can work out together? Has he changed long ago and I didn't notice coz he's not the type who like to sharing his weakness? Was he forcing himself to be a good boyfriend and now he has no way to escape coz the marriage notification is on his hand. Yesterday I booked the ticket and decided to fly over next week to sort out our things (Coz I want to make sure that my old photos are there). Now I'm in complete horror, I received an angry email from him this morning again. I was still fascinating he would want me back. However, in view of all facts there is no doubt for me to move on while he's not good enough for me. I need to stay strong to face my journey next week. I do need some people to share their wisdom.
ninjaturtles Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 I am so so sorry you have to go through this. You have come to the right place. There is a lady on here who went through a similar experience. Her Fiance left her for another woman he met on the internet and moved across the country to be with this other woman he barely even knew. I don't know what to say, but you have to be strong. I am sure you must be in UTTER shock...I would be as well. You will blame yourself and question what exactly went wrong. This has nothing to do with you. You spent 5 years together, this is a long time. It may be that he is developing cold feet regarding the wedding. It may be that he met someone else. It may be that he feels he is not ready for marraige afterall or it may be that he thinks it would be a mistake to get married to you (as you may not be the one). All these stem from fear of marriage...fear of the notion that ' I am stuck with this one woman for life'. This may be very hard for you to take in, but there is nothing you can do about it. What he has done is very very upsetting, very sad...you can only accept it as one of the challenges in life...a called off engagement. There is no easy way to get over it. For sometime you will mourn, you will blame yourself, you will replay the last moments you spent together in your head...wondering what exactly went wrong withing such a short span of time. You will magnify your faults and put your ex on a pedestal..These are all common habits. You will look for a lot of answers,but unfortunately you may not find them. At least not now. The only thing you can do, take it day by day. Accept you have been terrinly hurt. Accept you are in distress, then give it time...a lot of time. With time and NC..(NC is crucial please...no contact is the only way you will get past this hurt as soon as possible)...you will get better , as each week passes by...but you will hurt, you will cry, BUT you will become a stronger person...you will get married. Goodluck when you visit. Please ensure - A) You dont scream/yell at him. B) Try as much as possible to maintain your dignity whilst in front of him. C) Talk to mature people before you go and visit him. Goodluck and please keep posting.
ninjaturtles Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=view_thread&TID=13854 This is th story of a man whose Fiancee left him. I do hope you will be able to work things out...but you need to be prepared for the worst. This is why I have given you the above advice. You need to be prepared for the worst. God bless you.xxx
me007 Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 I agree with all NT has said. These type of things in life we will never really understand, and not understanding makes it hard to move forward. Just remember, you still have a long life ahead of you, so you need to move forward to make the most of it. Find someone else and you'll be happy you didn't marry this one. =)
Author gwynieatpain Posted October 11, 2008 Author Posted October 11, 2008 Thanks Both. I have talked to my family and all agreed that I should go and found out an answer from him. Here' re my two thoughts: If he simply said he's over me, I will just go "thanks, byebye", get my stuff back and move on with my life. Never ever see him again. If he does have problem and able to talk to me sincerely about his feeling and concern, I want to try to work things out.
Author gwynieatpain Posted October 13, 2008 Author Posted October 13, 2008 I was supposed to go on the trip to see him this week but I cannot get onto the flight tomorrow just because I found out he's going on a trip at the same time WITH A GIRL. That could not be more hurt than this.
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