Star Gazer Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 My grandmother passed away peacefully last night/this morning in her sleep. My mother found her. She's had strokes, and had a mild heart attack in late May. However, she was still alive and kickin'! She was doing so well. For many people, there's a certain emotional distance between grandparents and grandchildren - the parents act as a sort of intermediary. Not for me. After my grandmother's husband passed away, she moved in with my mother and I when I was just 3 years old, and was my caregiver for as long as I can remember. The dynamic/role situation between my grandmother and mother was alot like husband/father (my mother, the breadwinner) and wife/mother (my grammy, the nurturing caregiver). I've never had someone close to me pass away before. I don't know what to do, what to say, how to act. I worried about telling people, feeling as though even telling them would be a burden. Luckily, I have the world's best friends. The first two I called live 2 hours away, and dropped what they were doing at work and immediately came to be with me. I don't know how I would have survived without them today. I worry about my mother. They've lived together for 27 years. They were attached at the hip. I don't know what she's going to do, as now she's really, truly all alone. She's also got great friends, but I can't imagine how it will be in that house that they shared for so long...without her there. My heart breaks for her. All in all, I'm conflicted and numb. I'm deeply saddened, and yet relieved. I feel guilty or regretful for not seeing her enough, telling her I love her enough. I also have inappropriate, fleeting selfish thoughts. I guess.... I just don't know how to deal.
marlena Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 All in all, I'm conflicted and numb. I'm deeply saddened, and yet relieved. I feel guilty or regretful for not seeing her enough, telling her I love her enough. I also have inappropriate, fleeting selfish thoughts. This is the hard part about coping with the terrible loss of a loved one...the if onlys...I know, I still suffer from them even four years after both my parents passed away. If it's any comfort, I am sure that she knew how much you loved her. You and your mother have eachother to lean on in this your time of grief and mourning. May you both find strength and solace in one another.
frd150 Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 Hey Star, Im so very sorry. I have lost two grandparents in a very short period of time and like you the first was my first real experience with death. There is no one way to deal with it trust me. I dealt with each differently. All I can say is go with what you feel without guilt. Keep you mother company,lean on each other and talk about all the good times. I remember shortly after my grandfather died we all sat around talking about all the memories we had of him. It was good therapy and two days later at the funeral I sat with a smile on my face knowing he had a good full life,one that we all would be fortunate to have.Im sure you can conjure up some good memories,memories that will put a smile on your face. Again, Im sorry.
Author Star Gazer Posted October 9, 2008 Author Posted October 9, 2008 I'm finding that I'm grateful for the friends who have been supportive, and almost...angry (for lack of a better word) towards those who have given nothing more than a perfunctorily polite, "Sorry to hear that." Is that normal to feel that way?
marlena Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 Is that normal to feel that way? Very. I was even mad at friends who still had parents while mine had been taken away from me! How absurd was that? You'll just have to ride the waves of conflicting emotions until their intensity begins to subside.
Author Star Gazer Posted October 9, 2008 Author Posted October 9, 2008 I guess this really is only a forum for romantic issues. Thank you, Marlena and Frd, for your support.
Art_Critic Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 SG.. I'm sorry for your loss ***Hugz*** My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family in this difficult time. ..
CaliGuy Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 I'm sorry for your loss, SG. You and your family are in my prayers.
Trialbyfire Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 I'm also sorry for your loss. Death of a loved one affects everyone a different way. I still miss my grandmother terribly and wish she was still here. I like to think that if for any reason there's an afterlife, she's happy in Heaven, looking out for her loved ones in her kind and gentle way.
Geishawhelk Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 I'm finding that I'm grateful for the friends who have been supportive, and almost...angry (for lack of a better word) towards those who have given nothing more than a perfunctorily polite, "Sorry to hear that." Is that normal to feel that way? Death is just about the most natural thing in the world. There isn't one single creature or being alive who will ever be able to avoid it. You'd think then, wouldn't you, that with such a commonplace even-handed occurrence, people would be more able to deal with it? The truth is, they aren't. They become embarassed, awkward, upset and even fearful. See...it's still a big taboo... If you don't talk about it, acknowledge it, face it and deal with it - it will never happen. Not to 'you' anyway. other people, yes, and that's too bad, but.... don't say anything...just tiptoe away, and maybe it will all just disappear. Remember how shocked people were when Princess Diana was killed? Or Princess Grace of Monaco? Too young, too soon? No..... Death neither judges nor discriminates. It pays no attention to status or age. I have to tell you, I think about it every day. I consider without any morbid sense of destiny, that every day could be my last. And one day, guess what? I'll be right. Trouble is, I have absolutely no idea whatsoever which day that will be. So, better to have my metaphorical mac and brolly ready, just in case, instead of getting caught by surprise by a sudden downpour. I try to talk to people in such a way that, should this be my last encounter with them, they'll remember it with pleasure, rather than animosity. I tell my partner every morning, as I leabve, that I love him, and to take care. I tell him goodnight, I love you, before sleeping (even though it's in separate rooms....) I ring my parents more often than most. They're elderly, and very much aware of their own mortality, too. But, like I said, Death is no respecter of age, sex, Location..... Star gazer, I wish you strength and fortitude in your time of grief. Focus on what a brilliant woman she was. Try to be strong for your mom, but quietly encourage her to stand on her own two feet, eventually. be mutually supportive, and don't forget that laughing and enjoying Life, are not marks of disrespect, but tributes to those who brought us up. Be well. Much love and metta, GW XX
Billie63 Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 I'm so sorry to hear this. Your heart is broken and you will go through some trying times before it starts to heal. Find comfort with your mum. When I lost my mum 12 years ago this poem helped me get through it. One day you will be able to live alongside the pain. A ship sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean She is an object of beauty and I stand watching her till at last she fades on the horizon, and someone at my side says, "she is gone." Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all: she is just as large in the masts, hull and spars as she was when I saw her, and just as able to bear her load of living freight to its destination.[ The diminished size and total loss of sight is in me, not her: and just at the moment when someone at my side says, "she is gone," there are others who are watching her coming, and other voices take up a glad shout, "there she comes" - and that is dying.
Taramere Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 I've never had someone close to me pass away before. I don't know what to do, what to say, how to act. I worried about telling people, feeling as though even telling them would be a burden. I felt the same when my grandmother died a couple of years ago. At work I only mentioned it to my boss, in the context of requesting time off for the funeral. Having a short attention span seems to have become so much the norm, as are aspirations to superhuman emotional resilience, that I think people are losing the art of helping/allowing people to grieve in the way that they used to be able to. I'm sorry to hear about your loss, Stargazer. I don't think there's a set way that you're supposed to feel right now, or a set timescale for moving through it. The emotions will possibly come to the surface when you attend her funeral. If a couple of your close friends could be there too, that will probably be very helpful to you.
marlena Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 A ship sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean She is an object of beauty and I stand watching her till at last she fades on the horizon, and someone at my side says, "she is gone." Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all: she is just as large in the masts, hull and spars as she was when I saw her, and just as able to bear her load of living freight to its destination.[ The diminished size and total loss of sight is in me, not her: and just at the moment when someone at my side says, "she is gone," there are others who are watching her coming, and other voices take up a glad shout, "there she comes" - and that is dying. OK, now I am crying and there's a lump in my throat.
grogster Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 My sincerest condolences, J. Like you, my mother and maternal grandmother raised me and functioned as a quasi-mother/father. I was heartbroken after my grandmother passed away. I was with her almost to the very end. I know you're grief stricken, but be as strong as you can be and give your mother all your love and support. She needs to know that her little girl is coping well. Honor your grandmother' memory, but love your mother with all your Heart.
Kamille Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 ah SG, my heart goes out to you and your mom! It's good you have friends there to support you. Confusion and high emotions are all part of loss. Let it be, feel what you have to feel and accept the support that comes your way.
Rooster_DAR Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 My condolences Star Gazer. May your memories of her bring you continued happiness. Regards,
Nevermind Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 I don't know what to write or say, that could help you in these days. Hopefully you can find some solace in the memories of your grandmother, and repair your heart with them. I am very sorry that you have to go through this and I hope that you and your mother will see happier times soon enough. ((hugs))
frd150 Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 I guess this really is only a forum for romantic issues. Thank you, Marlena and Frd, for your support. Oh no worries. I remember you had my back with my mess way back when. Just like I said, keep those happy thoughts. They will help to smile even if for a little while.
redfathom Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 Sorry about your loss. My grandpa passed away in July, now all of my biological grandparents are gone and it's so weird sometimes. I didn't know my maternal grandma or grandpa (I was 3 when my grandpa passed, but I still remember him). My fathers parents were so inspirational. I was truly in awe of their generosity and hunger for life. In the end my grandpa was ready to pass and that at least made it easier for us.
Crestfallen_KH Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 I'm sorry to hear this, SG. I'd always longed for a close relationship with either of my grandmothers, but they weren't capable of being the kind of woman your grandmother was. You are very luck, and very blessed to have known her. I'm glad you have friends there for support.
Lishy Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 Awww that is terrible news and I am sorry for your loss! I lost my dad 3 years ago and you can expect to feel emotions that you do not know exist! ANY way you feel is normal - When my dad died I, at one point, got so angry with him for just dying and leaving us with no warning! I was seriously mad with him! I then felt numb, weak, strong, upset, inconsolable and all in no particular order. 3 years later I still cry every now and then when I remember his voice or funny things he says I also got mad with people who looked like they didnt care and just said "sorry to hear that" I had one girl come up to me at my sons school and say "I am sorry to hear about your dad but your sons school coach needs to be paid for the trip" My sister had to stop me getting out of the car to smash her face in! Just be there for your mum and take care of you.
Author Star Gazer Posted October 10, 2008 Author Posted October 10, 2008 Thank you for all your supportive. It's very comforting. Still sad.
curiousnycgirl Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Still sad. As well you should be Star - this is a loss that will take time to heal. You will never be over it, but in time the hurt will ease and your warm and wonderful memories of her will always be there. I think you can take solace in the fact that she died peacefully - but again that doesn't make it easier to be one of the ones left behind. My thoughts, prayers and hugs are with you and your mom during this very difficult time.
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