norajane Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Ok, i see. i guess I kind of expected it to also include people who are in similar situations getting together to gain support for dealing with other people's issues with our situations or choices. The only hard part i have come across as an OW so far is dealing with other people's judgements of my R. Does that make sense? There are indeed other hard parts. If you do come across them, Loveshack will be here. Um... i know the definition of an A but that still doesn't say weather the A is a positive thing for at least some people involved, or that it can't have a positive outcome. So far, this has all been very positive for myself and my mm and probably indirectly for the w because her h is a much happier and content man in all aspects right now. I know many people will say that it is in no way positive for the W Even if she never finds out but the old saying ignorance is bliss sometimes IS true. There is a distance that's created between husband and wife by an affair. Keeping the secret is what creates that distance. Even if the BS never knows about it and life goes on, the cheater knows, and that creates a barrier to intimacy...the cheater always keeps that apart from BS so as to maintain her ignorance. There's no guarantee of keeping the secret forever, though.
Author agate Posted October 10, 2008 Author Posted October 10, 2008 I suppose it may not always be true, but wasn't there probably a a barrier or distance between a w and a mm before an ow came into the picture? would a mm have gotten involved with another woman unless there was? Except for the mm who are just jurks or serial cheaters of course. Just curious if i'm mistaken on that one.
norajane Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I suppose it may not always be true, but wasn't there probably a a barrier or distance between a w and a mm before an ow came into the picture? would a mm have gotten involved with another woman unless there was? Except for the mm who are just jurks or serial cheaters of course. Just curious if i'm mistaken on that one. Perhaps there was already a distance or perhaps there wasn't. Marriages wax and wane and sometimes problems and barriers and distance can be overcome. In every case, however, the distance created by keeping the secret cannot be resolved unless he tells his wife about the affair. That barrier doesn't come down until he no longer carries the secret. Of course, BS knowledge of the affair creates new barriers to overcome.
jwi71 Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I suppose it may not always be true, but wasn't there probably a a barrier or distance between a w and a mm before an ow came into the picture? would a mm have gotten involved with another woman unless there was? Except for the mm who are just jurks or serial cheaters of course. Just curious if i'm mistaken on that one. It doesn't matter if distance/barriers existed or not. What is true within the context of this is that an A is creating more distance/barriers. The fact that distance and/or barriers may have existed to any degree is not relevant. What is relevant is the A adds to it - further complicating any reconciliation between the WS and the BS. That creation of additional harm/pain/distance is solely resultant of the A. This, to me, is how A's are not positive. They create harm - and, imo, more harm than good.
Mino Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Hi, My mm did leave . I come here to learn from others..The first 2 years of being the ow was confussing, after awhile it became easier. Was handling the issues pretty good the last 2 years. Now he has moved out...dealing with new things. Dont always have all the answer so LS is a great place most of the time to get advice. Gel, Tomcat, Frannie, Jnrr, WWISUP, always have good solid wisdom, even if its not always what you want to hear... but Always respectful, Maybe they need to get together and write a book! That would be cool:)
Trimmer Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 As far as Im concerned the only people who ever have a say in an A are the MM, the OW and the BS when they eventually find out, which Im inclined to believe that they eventually always do. Which may help to explain why few affairs turn out to be positive in the long run.
loveORlogic Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Um... i know the definition of an A but that still doesn't say weather the A is a positive thing for at least some people involved, or that it can't have a positive outcome. So far, this has all been very positive for myself and my mm and probably indirectly for the w because her h is a much happier and content man in all aspects right now. I know many people will say that it is in no way positive for the W Even if she never finds out but the old saying ignorance is bliss sometimes IS true. You just said it all, " positive thing for at least some people involved ", look at bolded word. To consider an A a positive thing, it had to be "for all", otherwise theres always a negative aspect to consider. turning the A into not positive. Not only that, an A major role player is deception, ans when deception is involved, you know already whats happening its not a good thing. If you asked "can polygamy be positive sometimes?", i would say.. well...probably. but an Affar, no its isnt. I once read somewhere, "bad marriages dont create affairs, affair create bad marriages"
The_411 Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 sure an affair is positive for the people in the affair but not for those on the outside significant others, children etc. Affairs are conspiracies and I've never known a conspiracy to be positive have you?
Owl Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 sure an affair is positive for the people in the affair but not for those on the outside significant others, children etc. Affairs are conspiracies and I've never known a conspiracy to be positive have you? Well...maybe a surprise party. But I don't see this quite working out that well...I get two great mental pictures. One is the affair partners jumping outta bed in front of the BS yelling "SURPRISE!!!" The other is the BS leaping out of the closet catching the affair partners "in the act", yelling "SURPRISE!!!". Somehow, I don't see either of those experiences being postive for everyone involved either. Oh well...I tried!
jwi71 Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 sure an affair is positive for the people in the affair but not for those on the outside significant others, children etc. Affairs are conspiracies and I've never known a conspiracy to be positive have you? I take exception to the bold above. An affair is destructive on just about every level for all involved. I have often wondered why the OM/OW would pursue such a relationship. Look at some of the posters here agonizing over their MM or MW. All relationships carry some degree of uncertainty, angst and insecurity - but an A has wholly unique issues. "Will the BS find out? Why wont my MM/MW be with me full time? Is he/she making love to the BS now? If I am ill or in the hospital, will my MM or MW stay by my bed day and night?" There is emotional distress that exists solely because of the nature of the R. To me its an addiction. Like a drug. The cheating partners know its wrong. They know its painful...they know its "dirty". Yet they do it anyway. Disregarding the effects on the innocent (children, but oh so many more persons) and ultimately themselves for their own...well, what? What is it that is so powerful that it overrides all else? What is it that continues to risk the well-being of children - and others who will be affected? Its almost sociopathic. Feelings so powerful that predominate social norms which can be suspended at will. A drug which chemically creates dependency is bad. No one ever says "I am a cocaine addict...and I'm ok". So how is an A good? (given one accepts the poorly presented addiction metaphor) So, if any OM/OW wish to weigh in...I'd love to understand why the MM/MW is more attractive than an "available" one?
MOM27 Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 So, if any OM/OW wish to weigh in...I'd love to understand why the MM/MW is more attractive than an "available" one? We just cant help it, your heart doesn't choose to fall in love for this or that person, it just happens.
MizzBlue72 Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 I don't know. I'm happier with the MM than with myself. Maybe that is why I am with him. I know and feel the same as a lot of people here, but it hasn't come time to force a choice, and to be honest, I don't want to force him. I like the R as it is for now -- who's to say it will last? Probably won't, but for today, I am happy.
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