How Bad Did It Mess You Up?

[Reggie]

Where to start, eh? It's just about 3 years since I found out my XW was having an affair with her old HS boyfriend. So, what's life been like.

Initially, I lost 35 lbs froman already lean fit body, in two months. And, I don't think I slept more than a couple hours a night for a year or so.

I lost my house ,as I could not pay the mortgage and child support too. I see my 3 young daughters 1 night a week after years of telling them stories each night before sleep.

I sleep on the pullout sofa of a friend's townhome as I cannot afford my own place yet. The divorce cost me 50,000. I pay 2300 a month in child support.

I almost and still may lose my job, a job I've held for 15 years, because my performance slipped badly during the worst of this.

I've lost any confidence I ever had with women. I question my competence, my attractiveness, my sanity. I cry at television commercials.

My kids really love me, and that is good. I was a good father and still try to be. I never beat the **** out of the OM. He played daddy to my girls for about 2 years until their relationship died. I pretty much sucked it up, and let it go.

But, i don't think I will ever be quite right again. But, maybe I will. This infidelity stuff is quite painful. I don't think as clearly as I once did. I'm pretty pissed about the unfairness of it, too.

Iread the stuff on the OM/OW forum and it simply amazes me. It's a game to these folks; "Will you Take him back if he divorces?"; "Does My MM Still Have Sex With His Wife?" Absurd issues like this intrigue them. It's like they are in a soap opera. They care nothing about hurting others. I can't even see these unevolved folks as real people. It's like their dialogues are from some stupid show like Desperate Housewives or Sex in the City. I could not imagine myself, as an adult, focusing on the puerile stuff they do.

[Lizzie60]

the first part of your post reminds me so much of my first ex..

 

I never cheated on him.. eventhough he thinks I did.. when I left him, he went on a deep depression.. he was an average guy.. he lost 65 lbs.. he was so weak he was shaking all the time.. couldn't write, so he was off work for over a year.. (social worker)...

 

I felt sooo sorry for him.. but there was nothing I could do.. when people gets into deep depression or get heart broken.. NOBODY except themselves can do anything.. they can go in counselling.. get some support from friends or family.. but the ex is totally helpless... nothing she can do.

 

Every body is living a different saga.. for you it's a heart break.. for others it's an amazing love story with someone else's partner..

 

That's life... We can't live anyone else's life. You got to look after yourself.. no one else will do it for you.

 

Time heals..

[LakesideDream]

Where to start, eh? It's just about 3 years since I found out my XW was having an affair with her old HS boyfriend. So, what's life been like.

Initially, I lost 35 lbs froman already lean fit body, in two months. And, I don't think I slept more than a couple hours a night for a year or so.

I lost my house ,as I could not pay the mortgage and child support too. I see my 3 young daughters 1 night a week after years of telling them stories each night before sleep.

I sleep on the pullout sofa of a friend's townhome as I cannot afford my own place yet. The divorce cost me 50,000. I pay 2300 a month in child support.

I almost and still may lose my job, a job I've held for 15 years, because my performance slipped badly during the worst of this.

I've lost any confidence I ever had with women. I question my competence, my attractiveness, my sanity. I cry at television commercials.

My kids really love me, and that is good. I was a good father and still try to be. I never beat the **** out of the OM. He played daddy to my girls for about 2 years until their relationship died. I pretty much sucked it up, and let it go.

But, i don't think I will ever be quite right again. But, maybe I will. This infidelity stuff is quite painful. I don't think as clearly as I once did. I'm pretty pissed about the unfairness of it, too.

Iread the stuff on the OM/OW forum and it simply amazes me. It's a game to these folks; "Will you Take him back if he divorces?"; "Does My MM Still Have Sex With His Wife?" Absurd issues like this intrigue them. It's like they are in a soap opera. They care nothing about hurting others. I can't even see these unevolved folks as real people. It's like their dialogues are from some stupid show like Desperate Housewives or Sex in the City. I could not imagine myself, as an adult, focusing on the puerile stuff they do.

 

 

Reggie, All I can say is that you are not alone. You reacted like many of us did. Of course you got the worst of your divorce. That happens when men stand up and try to do what's honorable. If you don't fight, lie, cheat and steal during a divorce, you are likely to be trashed.

 

Men have very few "rights" these days. In 1950 Women had very few (if any) rights at the end or a marriage. It's a world in flux.

 

Sadly, if there is a disagreement these days, there is usually no middle ground. You are living proof. A guy paying $2300 a month in Child Support sees his kids a few hours a week, and probably can't afford a movie, or trip to the zoo.

 

It's not going to get better either, at least until your children are adults.

 

I have no advice for you. All any of us can do is our best. If you find you can't do it anymore, remember, do your level best and don't destroy yourself for not living up to someone elses expectations.

[Reggie]

One thing that brings some solace(and Lizzie, hopefully your ex discovered this, as well) is the knowledge that getting away from someone so toxic is, despite the initial pain, a blessing. It's like having a cancerous tumor removed. Once the inital trauma of the excision is over, it's life saving.

I did get the shaft in the divorce. But, I make really good money now and can soon afford a home. My XW's parents, siblings and exteneded family all still welcome me into their lives. So, I lost no friendships, just got away from a toxic, personality disordered a-hole. For that, I am grateful.

[fingersniffer]

Reggie,

my heart goes out to you dude, it sucks ass, and never really gets easier does it.

 

My wife cheated on me and I dont know if I'll ever get over it.

I cant love her the way I did, because the threw that love out the minute she decided that she could abuse and disrespect me the way she did.

 

I too have been through the mill on the emotions, crying at the radio, advert, funerals of complete strangers, church services, that kind of thins. The news - especially good news would kill me, but I deserve better than that crappy life.

 

You and I deserve happiness. Why? because I am a good person. Because we are good people. Its my choice to be a happy person. Its mine to go out and seek friends that I like, and over time my confidence has returned. When people say that I am handsome, now, I believe them, before I would have smiled in that "yeah, whatever" way.

 

 

Have a look at my thread... it may help, i don't know, it may not. but know that you are not alone, in any sense of the word.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t163822/

[Owl]

Initially, I was in the same state you were, Reggie.

 

I lost 28lbs...in two weeks. I couldn't eat, couldn't keep anything down if I tried. I could barely drink water. I slept < 3 hours/night. I was so angry and full of tense energy, and couldn't stand being in the same house...so I was walking 5-10 miles/day (or night) during that first few weeks as well.

 

I found out later that my kids (all older teens at the time) honestly thought I might die from the stress.

 

Life still sucked pretty close to this for the first two months. My wife made the choice to reconcile at the end of this time, and that was a huge step forward (of course).

 

But then after that, we still had all the work of sorting through the shambles to actually reconcile. And...I went through all the normal stages as well...anger at six months, relapse of suspiscion and distrust at the one year anniversary...apathy at 18 months...and a minor relapse again at the two year mark.

 

But since then...we've done amazingly well. We really have rebuilt our marriage.

 

So things can get better...they don't always end in a blaze.

[Woggle]

My first wife cheating on me was the best thing anybody could do to me. My life improved from that moment on.

[Al_Bundy]

Where to start, eh? It's just about 3 years since I found out my XW was having an affair with her old HS boyfriend. So, what's life been like.

Initially, I lost 35 lbs froman already lean fit body, in two months. And, I don't think I slept more than a couple hours a night for a year or so.

I lost my house ,as I could not pay the mortgage and child support too. I see my 3 young daughters 1 night a week after years of telling them stories each night before sleep.

I sleep on the pullout sofa of a friend's townhome as I cannot afford my own place yet. The divorce cost me 50,000. I pay 2300 a month in child support.

I almost and still may lose my job, a job I've held for 15 years, because my performance slipped badly during the worst of this.

I've lost any confidence I ever had with women. I question my competence, my attractiveness, my sanity. I cry at television commercials.

My kids really love me, and that is good. I was a good father and still try to be. I never beat the **** out of the OM. He played daddy to my girls for about 2 years until their relationship died. I pretty much sucked it up, and let it go.

But, i don't think I will ever be quite right again. But, maybe I will. This infidelity stuff is quite painful. I don't think as clearly as I once did. I'm pretty pissed about the unfairness of it, too.

Iread the stuff on the OM/OW forum and it simply amazes me. It's a game to these folks; "Will you Take him back if he divorces?"; "Does My MM Still Have Sex With His Wife?" Absurd issues like this intrigue them. It's like they are in a soap opera. They care nothing about hurting others. I can't even see these unevolved folks as real people. It's like their dialogues are from some stupid show like Desperate Housewives or Sex in the City. I could not imagine myself, as an adult, focusing on the puerile stuff they do.

 

Welcome to LS. You'll find that is the norm here. People hurting other people and its just a big game to them.

 

My advice. Stay in the infidelity section. hang with a better class of people over here (and yes, even Al Bundy is in a better class, even if he is a shoe salesman).

 

Why on earth did the divorce cost 50 grand? Let me guess, she cheats, and makes life rough on you draggin you through a long painful divorce.

 

Yes, I know. It sucks. You get a bomb dropped on you, your children basically taken away for which you now have the priviledge of paying for not being with them every day, she gets to move on. Meanwhile you come on a forum like this for support, only to see a bunch of scum that see nothing wrong with messing with people's lives and family. You aint alone in your thinking.

 

Thats the way it works my man. Welcome to the betrayed x-husband's club.

 

Anyway, good ol Al and the rest of us are here for ya. As far as the 50 grand, thats just unfathomable to me. What did she do to cause this kind of debt to rack up with an attorney?

 

have you ever thought about bankruptcy? Nobody likes to think about it, but all this happened at no fault of your own. Get your life back and don't let a cheating xW bring you down. She has her own karma that will hopefully hit her someday.

[Al_Bundy]

My first wife cheating on me was the best thing anybody could do to me. My life improved from that moment on.

 

Amen to that my brutha!!!

[Woggle]

When she cheated on me I stopped being afraid to be a man and I grew a pair of balls that serve me to this day. I am also proud of myself for fighting her in divorce court and winning. In the end my life has turned out much better than hers.

[2sure]

Hi Reggie,

 

I must admit that the way you described some of the other threads made me remember what I came to LS for in the first place. Its easy to get caught up/entertained with the drama. I agree, most OW/M have no real idea what they are doing. They are fully active participants in destroying someone elses life. Often, someone they dont even know.

 

Your story is the end result for when things do not get fixed, do not work out.

 

Why I really replied to you is regarding children of divorce. My daughters dad and I divorced when she was very young. We were a bad match from the get go - different values, life styles, etc. I will go so far as to say, if I could have legally excluded him from her life, for my own reasons - I would have. However, regardless of my own thoughts and feelings, and without my full cooperation - she has a bond with him that no amount of seperation, no step father, no money, no anything - can break. Not even me.

[Trialbyfire]

Reggie, I'm sincerely sorry for what you've gone through and can relate, to an extent.

 

OW/OM just don't care. Of the vast majority, you'll find the odd one pretty human and a few that got involved with a married person unknowingly. Beyond that, the rest aren't thinking about anyone else but themselves. The betrayed spouse doesn't count beyond being a competitor for something they want. They can pretend to sympathize, maybe a few actually sympathize but not enough to get out of the affair.

 

Having said that, the married person involved in an affair is just as much to blame. They're the ones who took the vow and shattered it.

 

It must be hell being a betrayed spouse with children. You can't afford the luxury of taking your own back by helping karma do her thing.

 

While I wasn't financially hurt by the affair, it devastated me to the point of a short depression, weight loss since I couldn't be bothered to eat and consuming angry thoughts. It took about 6 months from D-day, a spate of therapy and forgiveness (for the ex-H and more importantly for myself), to move on.

 

It sounds like you're finally moving out of your pain and realizing that while you'll never be the same person you were, you've been honed and tempered like fine steel and can handle anything. You will survive this and burst out of hell, back into life! Eff the ones who don't care. You care about your children and yourself!

[Al_Bundy]

When she cheated on me I stopped being afraid to be a man and I grew a pair of balls that serve me to this day. I am also proud of myself for fighting her in divorce court and winning. In the end my life has turned out much better than hers.

 

As Seinfeld said, "the best revenge is living well"

[ConfusedAtHome]

Where to start, eh? It's just about 3 years since I found out my XW was having an affair with her old HS boyfriend. So, what's life been like.

Initially, I lost 35 lbs froman already lean fit body, in two months. And, I don't think I slept more than a couple hours a night for a year or so.

I lost my house ,as I could not pay the mortgage and child support too. I see my 3 young daughters 1 night a week after years of telling them stories each night before sleep.

I sleep on the pullout sofa of a friend's townhome as I cannot afford my own place yet. The divorce cost me 50,000. I pay 2300 a month in child support.

I almost and still may lose my job, a job I've held for 15 years, because my performance slipped badly during the worst of this.

I've lost any confidence I ever had with women. I question my competence, my attractiveness, my sanity. I cry at television commercials.

My kids really love me, and that is good. I was a good father and still try to be. I never beat the **** out of the OM. He played daddy to my girls for about 2 years until their relationship died. I pretty much sucked it up, and let it go.

But, i don't think I will ever be quite right again. But, maybe I will. This infidelity stuff is quite painful. I don't think as clearly as I once did. I'm pretty pissed about the unfairness of it, too.

Iread the stuff on the OM/OW forum and it simply amazes me. It's a game to these folks; "Will you Take him back if he divorces?"; "Does My MM Still Have Sex With His Wife?" Absurd issues like this intrigue them. It's like they are in a soap opera. They care nothing about hurting others. I can't even see these unevolved folks as real people. It's like their dialogues are from some stupid show like Desperate Housewives or Sex in the City. I could not imagine myself, as an adult, focusing on the puerile stuff they do.

 

Reggie, I too looked at the OW/OM forum and was disgusted by the lack of concern for others and the lives they lead. I agree with whomever told you to stick here in the Infedelity forum because a lot of people here are the ones hurting and have been through this. It can be uplifting here as opposed to the OW/OM forum.

[Lizzie60]

One thing that brings some solace(and Lizzie, hopefully your ex discovered this, as well) is the knowledge that getting away from someone so toxic is, despite the initial pain, a blessing. It's like having a cancerous tumor removed. Once the inital trauma of the excision is over, it's life saving.

I did get the shaft in the divorce. But, I make really good money now and can soon afford a home. My XW's parents, siblings and exteneded family all still welcome me into their lives. So, I lost no friendships, just got away from a toxic, personality disordered a-hole. For that, I am grateful.

 

My case is different though... I never cheated (although he is certain to this day that I did)... I wasn't toxic.. we hardly ever fought... We were always together 24/7 (maybe too much). We had no 'life' except for us and our kids (big mistake).. I was just not in love anymore.. I felt he was more like my brother than my partner. I was totally indifferent to him..

 

It's been 12 years now.. and I'm sure he would take me back (but I will never ever go back)... he's been with someone for over 6-7 years now.

 

He was devastated cause he knew then I could go out with anyone I wanted.. I was free.. and that was eating him up.. I never regretted my decision...

[Terminator]

Any relationship ending can mess anyone up badly.

 

Probably the ones that are hit the hardest are those endings where there is a strong sense of injustice present (and obviously one where a partner cheats then exits the marriage and not a damn thing you can do about it is one of the most devastating).

 

As to the opinions etc expressed in the OW/OM forum - if you don't like it then stay away. No-one forces you to read other boards.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Reggie,

 

I hope you don't mind if I post from a slightly different perspective.. a BW that is.

 

Physically, my world was rocked. I began to loose my hair handfulls at a time, aged 10 years in the next 2 after dday. Lost weight, then after a year started gaining like crazy. For 2 years I slept for less than 30 minutes at a time, waking up was the hard part. Each time I awoke it felt like I had been hit with a ton of brick when I remembered my position.

 

Socially, I destanced myself from all of my friends and family. Even a good girlfriend who had been through what I was experiencing. Couldn't stand to be seen outside, began having horrible panic attacks in public for NO reason at all. Was no longer the mom I had been to my kids for 17 years.

 

Before Dday, I was in the best shape of my life, walking on air, happy and outgoing. Went everywhere with my H. We had hobbies together, and everyone we met would say, "You two are the perfect couple, you're like 2 teenagers that snuck out to be together" I had no clue that there were problems. The "Does the MM still have sex with his wife thread" gave me a chuckle. ummmm atleast once a day, sometimes two or three!

 

Funny story: I did file for divorce and we were S for about 6 months before he asked me to reconcile. I went to a local restaurant with a group of girlfriends and they were lamenting about no sex. I said it's been three months for me and they said that was nothing and I said Geez, I was getting it two or three times a day before that. The next time I saw my husband he confronted me with what I had said (note: he was dating and still sleeping with other women including his OW whose identity I still didn't know). He was furious! I cou ldn't wrap my head around that... turns out she was sitting behind me and heard every word. It was some time until I found her identity and understood what had happened. HE WAS MAD AT ME!!!!!

 

I reconciled and we are still together. Our relationship is nothing like it was before which saddens me terribly but the affects of the affair still haunt me emotionally and physically.

 

I have had men friends in your position, who lost everything through a divorce that they did not want. BUT consider the wife of an executive who gave up a career early on to support his long hours, attend and entertain at the drop of a hat, take care of aging parents, grand parents and a large home. We divorce and I have NOTHING. My youngest is still young and while his dad would move heaven and earth for him 80 percent of the time, there are some issues the other 20 that there is NO WAY that I can't be there for him at those times. So it can work both ways I assume, as far as being unequitable.

 

Sorry this is so long, but I did want to mention that friend of mine who lost his home, his job, and eventually his kids during hte divorce because her family was incredibly politically connected in the community. He was going broke travelling 400 miles every other weekend to see his kids. She eventually got a court order for him not to be able to see the kids until he had psychiatric treatment (left and angry voicemail when it had been a month since it was convenient for him to even vist for a day). 3 years later, when he got on his feet and got the money to fight her properly, HE has total custody of the kids, a wonderful job, home and life. SHE has been diagnosed as bipolar and won't stay on her meds and her OWN family has realized who she was, disowned her and invited him back in and apologized profusely.

[2sure]

WhichWay:

 

"...BUT consider the wife of an executive who gave up a career early on to support his long hours, attend and entertain at the drop of a hat, take care of aging parents, grand parents and a large home. We divorce and I have NOTHING. My youngest is still young and while his dad would move heaven and earth for him 80 percent of the time, there are some issues the other 20 that there is NO WAY that I can't be there for him at those times. So it can work both ways I assume, as far as being unequitable."

 

THIS is what I have been looking for. Topic of another thread, another day, possibly. But finally, someone who gets it. Thank you.

[Terminator]

I said it's been three months for me and they said that was nothing and I said Geez, I was getting it two or three times a day before that. The next time I saw my husband he confronted me with what I had said (note: he was dating and still sleeping with other women including his OW whose identity I still didn't know). He was furious! I cou ldn't wrap my head around that... turns out she was sitting behind me and heard every word. It was some time until I found her identity and understood what had happened. HE WAS MAD AT ME!!!!!

 

 

That was just TOO hilarious.

 

I'm glad you are reconciled and things are working out for you. It's sad but one thing is true, nothing is EVER quite the same after betrayal of whatever kind.

[45Reverse]

Hi Reggie,

 

 

I will go so far as to say, if I could have legally excluded him from her life, for my own reasons - I would have. However, regardless of my own thoughts and feelings, and without my full cooperation - she has a bond with him that no amount of seperation, no step father, no money, no anything - can break. Not even me.

 

It says a lot about the kind of person that you are that you'd even cosider doing something like to a child it's father...

[Terminator]

It says a lot about the kind of person that you are that you'd even cosider doing something like to a child it's father...

 

Believe it or not, simply being a biological parent doesn't make some people a good parenting choice. Some children are better off without some "parents".

[2sure]

It says a lot about the kind of person that you are that you'd even cosider doing something like to a child it's father...

 

45Reverse: Nothing posted on this website, by anyone, can possibly give anyone - yourself included, a whole and complete picture of anyones circumstances or intent - let alone ..."says a lot about the kind of person that you are"...

 

In my response, I stated for "reasons of my own" and did not give them or detail them. Simply stated that I had them and I did not share them. My daughter will forever be profoundly affected by the actions of her father and for red tape legal reasons I am helpless to protect her. She is young and does not yet realize her fathers actions and behavior are his by choice, she is too young to know she is a victim.

 

You assumed and thats your perogative. Speaks volumes.

[angie2443]

Believe it or not, simply being a biological parent doesn't make some people a good parenting choice. Some children are better off without some "parents".

 

Couldn't have said it better. Unfortuneatelly, many people don't care about what kind of parents they will make. They get careless and have children that they won't parent well.

[angie2443]

Reggie, I too looked at the OW/OM forum and was disgusted by the lack of concern for others and the lives they lead. I agree with whomever told you to stick here in the Infedelity forum because a lot of people here are the ones hurting and have been through this. It can be uplifting here as opposed to the OW/OM forum.

 

I think it's good to see what people in the OW/OM are saying simply because it teaches you what to look out for when deciding who you will and won't trust. There are some definant personality traits that come with most OW, OM, WS, that you can learn to spot and so avoid these people in the future.

[2sure]

Thank you Terminator

I know its crazy, but the sensitivity of the subject had me in tears.

I need a thicker skin.