Did I totally ruin my chances by being too intolerant toward his ties to his ex?

[Luna06]

Sorry, just saw how long that was. Should have broken it up!

 

Hey, don't worry about it! I'm sure you saw how long my original post was. The more detail, the better and the clearer the advice!

[XNemesisX]

You definitely did the right thing.

 

Consider yourself lucky that he was at least up front about it and honest with you and himself. Most guys would just claim to be over an ex and string women along. I too have had dealings with this issue, hope to God never to again, and it is something I mention from the get go even though actions speak louder than words and men can lie about this. I agree with others about not putting that on the profile, but closely observe dates behavior when exes are mentioned. You can usually tell a lot by body language and how emotional they act when an ex is mentioned. Too good of an opinion is just as much of a red flag as hatred. Both can indicate there is still some emotional unavailability.

 

The fact that he removed his profile from the dating site shows that it was nothing against you personally. You probably brought it more into awareness that he was not yet ready to move on from his ex. You saved yourself from a lot of potential grief.

 

Again, I think you did the right thing...good for you!

[Trialbyfire]

You did the right thing. Anyone who's still hung up on their ex, especially with a situation like his, is someone to avoid!

[Luna06]

Yeah screw this. If he really liked me he would forget the ex and take the chance with me. Evidently that's not the case. His loss. Forget him. I'm through.

[Luna06]

Could you stay friendly with him while you both date other people?

 

Perhaps the timing if off, and you still may date each other down the road.

 

...It's a hard thing, and a process to date after a break up. We have to move on. Dating makes that happen, and so does putting your energy into a new person while withdrawing your energy from an ex.

 

...See if he tries to convince you it's nothing, or if he says "Okay, I get it," and backs off from contacting his ex and puts his energy into you.

 

 

Hey I came back to check for new posts and read yours a bit more closely. You ask, Could we still be friends while we both date other people? Honestly, I think that last text I sent him, which ended in me wishing him "...all the best" was essentially like saying goodbye and good luck. That was my intent because if he has his cake and can eat it too then he's not really going to have to make any real progress in either direction is he? Or maybe I am being too harsh? Let him see what it's like to not have me around and to only have her on the phone thousands of miles away with no plans to relocate and let him see how far that gets him. I'm not trying to sound spiteful here, but it could be just what the poor guy needs to cut the cord from his past (well assuming it truly is his past. But if he was on a dating website I would be highly surprised if there are actually serious chances of the two of them rematerializing.)

 

So I would want to be his friend, yes, but I don't know when and I would want him to re-initiate the contact. It's been two and a half weeks since that phone conversation we last had. I think he probably thinks I'm mildly upset, and after the "best wishes" text message I'm sure he probably assumed I was dismissing him- kindly dismissing him, but dismissing him nonetheless. After all I didn't say anything about keeping in touch- just kind of told him ok well good luck then.

 

I'm just going to move on (I'm already talking to new guys online) and when I see him I see him. I should next week at work- maybe he'll say hi. Maybe not. Thanks for the advice.

Luna

[Mary3]

Mary3 - I see what you are saying most definitely but there are a few key things here

 

he said in his profile he was broken up for 7months, in a good place in his life and that he had move on. When the topic came up and Luna stressed her intollerance of a person who is emotionally entangled he confided that he still kept in touch with his ex and to not be alarmed. That in itself is alarming enough, first of all the fact he even mentions all that in the profile (to me that is the tell tale sign that he in fact has NOT moved on) then when Luna expresses her thoughts on that he asks in other words for "permission" to be in contact with ex. make no bones about it she is just my ex "chya right!". Sorry but too much baggage.

 

Either he is definitely NOT ready to move on or he is lying about it to ease himself out of being with Luna romantically, in the end he offered "can we still be friends, it's best we don't get romantically involved" all is said, he is telling her either way "I see you as a friend and would still like to keep it this way" and I really doubt it was her pressing questions that lead them down this path, dude's looking to be blown away by someone new in order to get over ex, that's a tall order to fill. Personally I think he should not be on there.

 

Again, I feel she did the right thing. She too was burned by a guy who was emotionaly unavailable it's understandable she would question this comments.

 

PS I don't believe in talking lots on the phone to get to know someone, I believe in dating someone face to face to get to know them seems Luna was trying to do that. They reached a point of make or break and he crumbled. But of course to each their own some people like cyber sagas and endless phone conversations others will prefer to go out and get in touch in the real word the way dating was intended.

 

I agree its very alarming when someone you like mentions their ex , and still calls their ex and wants you to be okay with that. Well usually its not okay and it ends it for me when they can't * end * it and they usually can't end it because they still FEEL something. Think about your most precious love ever .....you may have as of today gotten over that precious one.. but at the time , the newness ..the rawness and the longing are still fresh for this guy.

Agreed he has no business on a dating site UNTIL he heals and can devote his time to the OP

 

The part where you say " you need to date them to get to know them"... ABSOLUTELY ! But you can save car gas and wasted breath by listening to the things they ARE saying when you are first talking. If you train your ears enough you can hear things like : " Yeah I like to drink a 12 pack of beer everyday , so what ? :" OR : Yeah I have hit a few girls but they deserved it " Its THINGS like these that can be mentioned longggg before you get in your car and go meet a future alcoholic or wife beater.

 

This is the part I was referring to : Well, after getting screwed over by my last bf because of a long distance ex on the other side of the country, I told him that if distance alone played a large and potentially primary role in the reason for their break up, I doubted his true emotional availability. I said if it was a case of, “I love you, but I can’t move for you,” then the circumstances of their breakup were a “major red flag.” I really emphasized this with a serious tone of voice. I said if it was one of those “I love you but we have to break up” cases, I wouldn’t mess with it. In fact the exact words I used were, “I won’t even F--k with that,” in a serious tone of voice, but certainly not aggressive.

He suddenly asked me if I was looking for a serious relationship and I told him I was looking for something to take “one day at a time, and it goes where it goes.” (I believe that’s the right attitude for any relationship just starting out or still in the “dating” phase.)

 

While the OP had a right to tell the guy how she felt , it was the timing and the way she told him that made him balk. Truly. he was still feeling things for the other girl , we can see that , but OP could have saved some time by asking ON THE PHONE , " Hey when was your last relationship ? " When he says 5 minutes ago ( lol ) its time to RUN !