Did I totally ruin my chances by being too intolerant toward his ties to his ex?

[Luna06]

I met a guy that works at the same company as me only in a different division (but in the same town). We actually met through an online dating site (one of the sites where THEY match you based on your values, etc, and you can’t search for matches on your own). We knew a lot of the same people and live in a relatively mid sized town, and it would have only been a matter of time before I was guaranteed to meet him by chance

 

Background info: He is in the same career field as me and he finished grad school 4 months ago. He and his girlfriend of 1.5 years decided to break up rather than go for a long distance relationship. In his online profile he stated “I have reached a great point in my life, and I’m looking for someone to share that with.” 7 months ago I got dumped for a long-distance ex who came back into the picture after three years. I really gut burned, but I moved on. Nonetheless, I stated at the end of my profile that I absolutely could “not date or have a relationship with anyone who has not moved on from past relationships because it has spelled bad news for me in the past.”

 

This new guy and I clicked. We found we had tons of the same interests and values. Things were getting better with each date and there was definitely a mutual attraction. Then after a particularly long and great time out, we were at his place at the end of the night. We were definitely getting pretty comfortable with one another and were about to the point of a first kiss a couple times, but we were both in the cautious, kind-of-awkward, I’m-attracted-to-you-but-I’m-still-getting-comfortable-with-you phase. Then I brought up the topic of our online profiles because I had a question about his. After answering, he asked me about the statement I had made about exes. He said he and his ex still talked and he wanted me to know that so I would not be wondering who the hell she was when she called (makes me wonder if that statement made me look controlling or possessive?). I clarified that I could not tolerate people who had not MOVED ON, but that I could tolerate contact with an ex.

 

He gave me the details of their break up. When they found out he was leaving they decided to break up rather than make plans/go long distance. She liked the area she lived in (he did not, and prefers where he lives now), and she was not actively looking for a job in our part of the country. Well, after getting screwed over by my last bf because of a long distance ex on the other side of the country, I told him that if distance alone played a large and potentially primary role in the reason for their break up, I doubted his true emotional availability. I said if it was a case of, “I love you, but I can’t move for you,” then the circumstances of their breakup were a “major red flag.” I really emphasized this with a serious tone of voice. I said if it was one of those “I love you but we have to break up” cases, I wouldn’t mess with it. In fact the exact words I used were, “I won’t even F--k with that,” in a serious tone of voice, but certainly not aggressive.

 

He suddenly asked me if I was looking for a serious relationship and I told him I was looking for something to take “one day at a time, and it goes where it goes.” (I believe that’s the right attitude for any relationship just starting out or still in the “dating” phase.) I said only he knew for certain what he felt and whether he was still invested in this ex girlfriend of his, and that I had to trust him to make the right decisions if things did move forward with us- not those exact words, but something along those lines. Somewhere else in this whole exchange (I can’t pinpoint where since I didn’t exactly record it!) he said he felt like he was still getting to know me (and I agreed I felt the same), and at some other point he also said he thought we had “a lot of things in common” and that he really liked spending time with me

 

The date still ended very well- I left shortly after that talk, and he asked me cheerfully when he would see me again, put his hand on my arm/shoulder while asking me, and smiling. He had been getting more “touchy/feely” that night (not like kissing or holding hands or anything, but little things like I just mentioned). I told him, “how about tomorrow,” and told him to call me. (I strategically decided to leave the ball in his side of the court after that conversation.)

 

Sunday comes and goes with no word except for some text messages, and he said he had a bunch of work to do. Monday goes by with no call until 10 pm. I missed the call and returned it on Tuesday, and didn’t hear what I was hoping for. He had been thinking of Saturday’s discussion. He said he really likes spending time with me, but as much as he would like to think he has moved on from his last girlfriend, he knows “that's not really the case.” He said he thinks it is best for us to "not date," but did ask if I was “looking for more friends.” He said "down the road" dating could be an option, but it would not be right now because he did not want to “lead me on” and he could not guarantee 100% at this point that the ex would absolutely not be coming back into the picture. I don't know if he added the “down the road” phrase so that I would not feel bad, or if he really wants to hold out and give it some time first before dating me, or what. I didn’t ask. I did ask if he and his ex were getting back together, and I guess the subject has come up in their conversations, but then why would he have said on Saturday that she likes the area she lives in (on the other side of the country) and was not looking for jobs in our city? She is also currently working on her post-doc and he said that thus, part of the break up was a "timing issue."

 

I took it very well on the phone, although disappointed, and I ended the conversation with something like "I guess I'll see you around then?" and he told me he was sure he would still see me at work events, and to have a nice week, and that was that. So the conversation had kind of a "good-bye" tone I guess? I mean, if he’s just saying he’s going to see me at group events at work, isn’t that basically pushing me away? Or does he want me as a friend, or what? Maybe I should have backed off on the ex issue. I must have come off as possessive and controlling.

 

A few minutes later I texted him: "Thanks for being honest and recognizing you're not ready to move on. That was really mature and the best thing to do. Take care." To which he texted back, "Thanks. It was tough, but best for both of us." (Why “tough"? To minimize hurt feelings, or because he has feelings for me?). So I sent back, "True. Take care, and all the best." He did ask if things would still be friendly after all this and I said yes. So it’s almost as if he expected me to be mad at him- so he felt guilty. For what? Leading me on? He would only have been doing that if he didn’t have feelings for me, but I was definitely picking up on mutual interest. Man am I confused.

 

I can't help but wonder if I completely sabotaged things by even bringing up the subject of past relationships this early, since things were going so well and were just starting out. Did I scare him off? Or did I really give him something to think about and caused him to realize he had not moved on? Did he think I was going to be overly possessive? Did he think I was trying to force him into a commitment already? If he was truly going to get back with his ex, why was he on a dating site talking about looking for someone to share his life with? And why aren’t he and the ex trying out long distance? I must have really screwed this one up. I don't know if I should call him anymore, or ask him to hang out at all, even for something as simple as a cup of coffee, since he did say he thought that we should "not date." Any advice would be much appreciated. This is one of the neatest guys I have met in awhile, but I need out-of-the-box, straight-up honesty. Thanks so much!

[pretty professional]

He is still in love with his ex, he's into her way more than you. However, it is wise not to talk about exes so soon into dating a guy.

[Luna06]

He is still in love with his ex, he's into her way more than you. However, it is wise not to talk about exes so soon into dating a guy.

 

ok then why is he on a dating site? And what should I do? Forget him? Try to hang out? I feel like we'd still be hanging out if this topic had not been brought up.

[Jilly Bean]

It sounds like he was getting himself back out there by starting to date again (slowly), and you whacked him before you even KISSED!

 

Did you contribute to the demise?

 

Quite possibly.

 

I think he was enjoying your company and was interested in taking it easy with you. I don't think he was looking for something as serious as you are, though. You pressing him about his ex either turned him off, or made him realize he wasn't ready to date.

 

I wouldn't sweat it. You both clearly were looking for different things.

 

Keep your boundaries intact, and don't look back!

[Luna06]

 

I think he was enjoying your company and was interested in taking it easy with you. I don't think he was looking for something as serious as you are, though. You pressing him about his ex either turned him off, or made him realize he wasn't ready to date.

 

I wouldn't sweat it. You both clearly were looking for different things.

 

Keep your boundaries intact, and don't look back!

 

Hmm, interesting point of view. Although I thought stating I wanted to take it one day at a time would have cleared up any impression I was looking for something serious. And let's face it, he's the one who said he had reached a great place in his life and was looking for someone to share it with. Talk about giving mixed messages...

 

I guess what I am gathering here is that indeed, I did sabotage things to a degree, but it sounds like he's still relatively fresh off of an emotional roller coaster (as most of us are after a break up). My last relationship was six months, and it took me that long to really, truly, psychologically re-equilibrate.

 

I am open to whatever level he is open to- as long as that is open to further development and not just a "for fun" or just physical type thing. I thought he was such a neat person that I am actually wondering if maybe I SHOULD look back, because I definitely messed up in my opinion at least in some aspects. The question is, how do I go back?

 

I am not a person to sit around waiting and getting up false hopes. When something is over, I am one of those extreme people who gets rid of all the gifts, deletes the phone number and goes total NC. (Both my previous breakups ended badly if you can't tell ). But something is nagging at my instincts here. Something is telling me I should have not held back and should have just gone with the flow. Have you ever heard the song by JOJO called "This time"? That song is resonating with me now.

 

Btw thanks for the advice. It looks like you and I may also share some political views.

[Jilly Bean]

The question is, how do I go back?

 

I don't think you can, sadly.

 

You only had a few dates, and he ended it. For all you know he could have used the conversation about his ex as an excuse.

 

I think you came on too strong, too soon, and it turned him off. When things like this happen early on, they often can't be repaired.

 

Though I TOTALLY appreciate your need to find out the truth, it did make you look needy, clingy and insecure. Convo's like this aren't a good idea to have when just starting to date.

 

Next time, I would suggest just going with the flow, and not bringing up the heavy topics so early.

 

[Tomcat33]

Go back? Why would you go back? You did the right thing.

 

First off what is he doing on a dating site if he is that into his ex still? And it's a pretty serious site too not like the free crappy ones where everyone is there just to pass time and for rebound dating.

 

Look you want my brutal honesty? The guy liked you as a friend, felt like he was letting things continue because he liked hanging with you and was testing the romance meter to see if it grew but realised he just wanted friends. The "ex in the picture" bit was his get out of jail free card you played on it well and did all the dirty work for him he didn't have to cut you lose, you did it for him. But he would have been so so about you anyway. So don't even think twice about what you did. Good for you for being proactive and following your gut!

 

Don't waste your precious time with men that are on the fence about you, it's only keeping you from meeting the guy that is really into you. Forget him you invested nothing but a little time.

 

Get back on the horse and giddy up!

[Luna06]

I don't think you can, sadly.

 

You only had a few dates, and he ended it. For all you know he could have used the conversation about his ex as an excuse.

 

I think you came on too strong, too soon, and it turned him off. When things like this happen early on, they often can't be repaired.

 

Though I TOTALLY appreciate your need to find out the truth, it did make you look needy, clingy and insecure. Convo's like this aren't a good idea to have when just starting to date.

 

Next time, I would suggest just going with the flow, and not bringing up the heavy topics so early.

 

 

Too strong? I honestly don't see how that could be the case. The ex subject literally did not come up until HE brought up the fact it was on my profile. (I asked him about something on his profile and then he turned around and asked me a question about my profile.) Maybe something about our conversation made it seem like I was coming on strong? If it did, it was just that single instance, and like I said it was in response to his own question, not because I brought it up during the date.

 

Things were very casual while we were hanging out. In fact I held back deliberately just to keep things paced. No early kisses, and I was hesitant when I could tell he was moving in for it. Not prudishly hesitant, but I wasn't exactly making the first move. We also had no discussions at all up to that point about anything related to the future or to relationship goals. I think that somewhere there was a misinterpretation of what I wrote or I have not articulated it well enough.

 

He seems to be a very open and honest guy and I would be really surprised if the reason was that he wasn't that into me or that I came on too strong. He would have been more open in my opinion, and would have just said it like it is. I think that truly, him cutting things off was related to his not being over the ex. The more I think about it and run it through my head, the more that explanation resonantes with me. I'm not going to pursue him at all since this is the case.

 

I've posted this question in another forum and the interpretations I have gotten from people are about as far ranging as they get, which confuses me, but I have decided what to do. I am going to just give it some time, wait until I see him again, say hi, and just see how it goes. I don't think proactively trying to go back and get to know him better or pursue anything more is going to help after that conversation. But let's face it- I would be very surprised if him and his ex are actually likely to get back together. Maybe the time isn't right yet. I really do think that is the issue here. Not that he was not interested in me. Mutual attraction is hard to miss, and it was sure as hell there.

[pretty professional]

Well, is he calling you tonight and wanting to go out? Hmm. If he is really interested and attracted to you as you claim he really is, he'd be on the phone asking you out. For some reason, he decided he didn't want to pursue you and his initial attraction to you wasn't strong enough to overcome the feeling of not being into you. He knows he could probably date you if he wanted, but he isn't going for it.

 

Anyway, you need to go to the dating site and edit your profile and take off all that stuff about how you don't want someone who is into their ex and how you've had problems in the past with that. That type of stuff is negative, and it is a big no-no and a red flag to lots of men who see that. I know when I see a guys profile and it says "No cheaters and women who play mind games and/or are hung up on their ex" I immediately disqualify them. It just shows to me that they have issues that I don't want to deal with.

[Jilly Bean]

Luna, Luna, Luna...

 

He ended it.

 

For whatever reason, he ended it and told you he did not want to continue dating you, and to boot, he put you quickly into the friendzone.

 

I suspect the reason there was nothing physical, not even a kiss, is because he wasn't interested romantically.

 

There is nothing to rethink, nothing to plot.

 

Deal with the rejection at hand, and just move on. I think making overtures towards him will only lead to embarassment.

[D-Lish]

Hold true to your standards. If you don't wish to date someone that hasn't recovered from his ex... then he gave you his answer about that.

He admitted that he cannot make guarantees she will not come back into his life.

 

So- he's not over her. From past experiences you know getting involved with someone like this could lead to more heartache.

 

This is the best thing for both of you.

You're not invested in him too much right now- so it really is the best time to cut your losses and walk away.

 

It probably was the best time to have that conversation. Imagine having it two months from now after being intimate... or imagine in 6 months they decide to get back together!

 

Stick to your principles and you'll be fine.

[Mary3]

Well, is he calling you tonight and wanting to go out? Hmm. If he is really interested and attracted to you as you claim he really is, he'd be on the phone asking you out. For some reason, he decided he didn't want to pursue you and his initial attraction to you wasn't strong enough to overcome the feeling of not being into you. He knows he could probably date you if he wanted, but he isn't going for it.

 

Anyway, you need to go to the dating site and edit your profile and take off all that stuff about how you don't want someone who is into their ex and how you've had problems in the past with that. That type of stuff is negative, and it is a big no-no and a red flag to lots of men who see that. I know when I see a guys profile and it says "No cheaters and women who play mind games and/or are hung up on their ex" I immediately disqualify them. It just shows to me that they have issues that I don't want to deal with.

 

Excellent points !

 

This guy barely knew you and you were doing the Hard Speech about what you wanted and didn't want. Huge turn off.

 

When do you do it ? On the phone , But softly drawing out over many talks where his mind is at..

 

I had this happen like 3 times. Men that were not over their exes. Now the secret is to talk about everything BEFORE you even have a date or become emotionally invested.

 

Your Hard Talk made him back off. Not that him being on a dating site and not being over the ex is right , it isnt but dont make it YOUR problem by dating someone like this.

 

Next time , gentle is the key. Find out all his skeleltons slowwwwly,,,that way can softly back away..

 

Drill sargeant orders dont work for men .Ever.

 

Your profile should NEVER say what you DONT want. IT should always say what you Do want

[Tomcat33]

Gees some of you guys are bieng so hard on her!!

 

 

How is she supposed to find out about all this "slowly" before she even dates the guy? That's what dating is for? she said she was taking it slow, she said she was pacing the dating so that she can get to know him, the dude was not making a move on her he CLEARLY was not interested in more than friends, which doesn't surprise me because it seems a lot of those matches made online are GREAT on paper but forced in person. So why blame her for making hard talk?

 

She gave him a chance the guy was not coming around so she layed the cards out on the table, I say GOOD ON HER!!! She didn't chase him away he was never IN.

 

The only problem I have is that, Luna, now you second guess your actions. DON'T!! You read the situation right and you forced him to make a move either way, good for you, he was totally luke warm there ain't much you could have done to make him hot for you.

 

When a guy is into you, you know you are not second guessing it like this you just know.

 

Buy I agree with the rest, ditch the crap on your profile about how you don't want this kind of thing.

A) it gives this dude WAY too much importance

B) other guys don't want to read about your gory dating/rel horror stories, or they'll read it but move on

[Mary3]

I don't know how long she actually talked to and knew this guy but that kind of talk , the hard stuff , so early , will freak alot of men out.

 

Just saying...

 

There is an easier way to not waste your time on the wrong guy. You can talk lots on the phone first , ask him when his relationship was and how he is coping. That alot nicer than using a sharp voice ( as OP admits ) to get your own truth .

[Tomcat33]

Mary3 - I see what you are saying most definitely but there are a few key things here

 

he said in his profile he was broken up for 7months, in a good place in his life and that he had move on. When the topic came up and Luna stressed her intollerance of a person who is emotionally entangled he confided that he still kept in touch with his ex and to not be alarmed. That in itself is alarming enough, first of all the fact he even mentions all that in the profile (to me that is the tell tale sign that he in fact has NOT moved on) then when Luna expresses her thoughts on that he asks in other words for "permission" to be in contact with ex. make no bones about it she is just my ex "chya right!". Sorry but too much baggage.

 

Either he is definitely NOT ready to move on or he is lying about it to ease himself out of being with Luna romantically, in the end he offered "can we still be friends, it's best we don't get romantically involved" all is said, he is telling her either way "I see you as a friend and would still like to keep it this way" and I really doubt it was her pressing questions that lead them down this path, dude's looking to be blown away by someone new in order to get over ex, that's a tall order to fill. Personally I think he should not be on there.

 

Again, I feel she did the right thing. She too was burned by a guy who was emotionaly unavailable it's understandable she would question this comments.

 

PS I don't believe in talking lots on the phone to get to know someone, I believe in dating someone face to face to get to know them seems Luna was trying to do that. They reached a point of make or break and he crumbled. But of course to each their own some people like cyber sagas and endless phone conversations others will prefer to go out and get in touch in the real word the way dating was intended.

[nicki]

Luna, you absolutely did the right thing! Take it from someone who has been there.

 

I had the same conversation very early on with a guy I was dating. He said he was over his ex....but, yet he continued to contact her to tell her he "missed" her. And this was a year and a half into our relationship. Not fun, and I felt like second best. He later told me that he wanted to be over her, so he had told me he was....which was good and fine, butj, hey, don't feed into the feelings by calling her, etc....get over it.

 

I wish he had been as honest as your guy was. I'll bet that your conversation made your guy think about it. It says a lot that he was honest with you and thought about you and your perspective....some guys would be selfish and try to keep you on a string...and lie to you.

 

I think he likes you very much. Maybe , as he starts "dating," he will see that he is much more over her than he thinks. Could you stay friendly with him while you both date other people?

 

Perhaps the timing if off, and you still may date each other down the road.

 

It's a hard thing, and a process to date after a break up. We have to move on. Dating makes that happen, and so does putting your energy into a new person while withdrawing your energy from an ex.

 

I agree with you, by the way, and am proud of how you laid down a boundary that many people have a problem with later on. "Easygoing" can turn into getting walked all over instead.

 

Bravo! Next time, you could try to do what I do and see if it works for you. Early on in conversations, bring up the idea of ex's and see if your perspectives match.

 

If not, smile and say something like "I understand, but it's not a situation I would be comfortable with." Then back off a bit emotionally. Go out, but don't sleep with him. If he asks why, say you aren't sure he is over his ex and don't want to get into a love triangle.

 

See if he tries to convince you it's nothing, or if he says "Okay, I get it," and backs off from contacting his ex and puts his energy into you.

 

It's been my experience a guy who is not over his ex will simply not be over his ex because you want him to be. It doesn't really matter what you say or do. You have to watch and listen closely.

 

But, you owe it to yourself to say what your needs are. And number one is a guy who is emotionally available.

 

And he's clearly not emotionally available, yet.

[nicki]

Sorry, just saw how long that was. Should have broken it up!

[soconfused01]

"he could not guarantee 100% at this point that the ex would absolutely not be coming back into the picture."

 

 

of course you did the right thing! no one should go into a relationship in competition with an ex and he shouldn't date until he's moved on. you dodged a bullet!

[2sure]

Luna -

 

This is a good guy. He joined the dating site to facilitate moving on from his ex. He probably wants to.

 

You are a great communicator! You did not imply that you and he yet had any kind of relationship - only specified what you would and would not be looking for should one develop!

 

You were honest, not demanding. In return, he respected you and liked you enough to give you back the same honesty and respect he probably would not have afforded someone he felt casually about.

 

He requested you not write him off completely. I wouldnt. In the future, ,if you are available , when he asks you out again, you can trust this guy is over the ex. If he doesnt ask you out , it just wasnt meant to be.

 

You both communicated so honestly with each other, I would be hesitant to burn that bridge - even if it meant being friends on some level.

[Shygirl15]

Anyway, you need to go to the dating site and edit your profile and take off all that stuff about how you don't want someone who is into their ex and how you've had problems in the past with that. That type of stuff is negative, and it is a big no-no and a red flag to lots of men who see that. I know when I see a guys profile and it says "No cheaters and women who play mind games and/or are hung up on their ex" I immediately disqualify them. It just shows to me that they have issues that I don't want to deal with.

 

Good points. Negative comments on a profile spell bitterness.

[Luna06]

First of all: wow, I had no idea I would be starting off such great discussions! It's so interesting to see the different view points.

 

Here's my game plan - yes, I am going to cut my losses and move on. Limbo bugs the crap out of me and only makes me anxious. In fact I even deleted his number because situations like this annoy me and make me feel like he has the upper hand. It seems like there are a lot of different interpretations among you of why he decided to 'break' rather than 'make' when it came to the make or break point. Whatever the real reason is, my action plan will remain the same and is two fold: (1) I relieve myself of angst and annoyance and (2) if there really was something taking root between us and I just scared him a bit or demanded an overly stringent level of honesty too early, then my plan actually serves as a "lose 'em to keep 'em" technique in addition to (1). I drop out of the picture completely, which has the benefit of letting me move on, and of him possibly wondering, 'wtf?'. It balances the dynamic in case he perceived I was way into him and it scared him.

 

Second of all: it seems as if my background info section in the original thread was not accurately stated. The breakup of 7 months ago was my own personal background info. this was not info that was on his profile. he broke up 4-5 months ago, and he told me this in person not on his profile. my mistake, sorry. All that was on his profile was a few sentences, one of which was about having reached a great point in his life and all that. no ex info. And yes, I am definitely getting rid of the mention of exe's in my profile. That is at least one of the things that has been unanimous among the responses!

 

Yet another interesting tid bit- after our 2nd or 3rd date, he deactivated his profile. Actually went off the dating site completely. He's still off of it, I just logged on to check and see if he had turned it back on.

 

Well thanks for your discussions/debates. It's a good break from the political ones at least.

 

Luna

[Luna06]

Luna -

 

This is a good guy. He joined the dating site to facilitate moving on from his ex. He probably wants to.

 

You are a great communicator! You did not imply that you and he yet had any kind of relationship - only specified what you would and would not be looking for should one develop!

 

You were honest, not demanding. In return, he respected you and liked you enough to give you back the same honesty and respect he probably would not have afforded someone he felt casually about.

 

He requested you not write him off completely. I wouldnt. In the future, ,if you are available , when he asks you out again, you can trust this guy is over the ex. If he doesnt ask you out , it just wasnt meant to be.

 

You both communicated so honestly with each other, I would be hesitant to burn that bridge - even if it meant being friends on some level.

 

Thanks- I think this is the impression I kind of got. Why I'm just going NC and when I see him I see him. (1) I move on, good for me right? and (2) play the lose em to keep em game, just in case.

 

Good grief this has taken up enough of my time, but you guys have at least helped me get some resolution out of this mess.

Luna

[Luna06]

"he could not guarantee 100% at this point that the ex would absolutely not be coming back into the picture."

 

 

of course you did the right thing! no one should go into a relationship in competition with an ex and he shouldn't date until he's moved on. you dodged a bullet!

 

I completely agree- although I do agree with the others that the ex stuff should be off my profile. What was I thinking?

 

And I may have been a bit over demanding and scared him, but hey, you are right, I don't want to be competing with and ex regardless of whether or not I was being possessive/controlling!

[dannydrifter]

Hi Luna06, I don't think you sabotaged anything. You were hurt in the past by this scenario, and you are trying to avoid it again. No harm in that. In my opinion, if this man were really serious about moving on and getting into a relationship with you, he wouldn't be keeping contact like that with his ex. Obviously he isn't over her, and it's good you zeroed in on that. Good spider sense!

[dannydrifter]

He is still in love with his ex, he's into her way more than you. However, it is wise not to talk about exes so soon into dating a guy.

 

I think it's better she dealt with it now. Had she done so after more feelings and romance developed, then she would have risked getting really hurt again.