what is he doing???

[BefuddledOne]

long story short.

 

back in march, the man i loved more than life, who i was with for a year, decided he didn't want me anymore and went back to a situation involving him refusing to lose custody of his young son...a situation he says he will be stuck in forever. okay fine, i know and knew then that the translation for this is "i've chosen this life over you." i got the usual there are better guys out there, you're too nice a person, date, be free, blah blah.

 

fine. i dealt with by saying to him in march that i wished him happiness and love, got yelled at that i didn't mean that! when yes, yes i did, and then coped with all of my own demons and stages of grief and healing...the rivers or tears and all the feelings of inadequacy, longing for real explanations, believing him, not believing him, hoping, giving up hope, acceptance. you all know the drill.

 

NEVER contacted him but for one drunken text about 4 months ago that said simply "i miss you." got no response and life carried on. i started dating a really cool guy in march who pretty much knew everything and let me rant and deal with it when i had to, stuck by me through a lot of crazy, and our relationship is still growing.

 

however, during this time, my healing was impinged on and impugned by this man either calling, IMing, or texting me every 10-14 days like clockwork. every single blessed time i got strong again and was okay, there he was in my face.

 

and as hard as i would try to shrug it off, it always caused a day or two of soul-searching and havoc. i have a pretty good auto-iggy and push-it-aside, and i'd recover and go on. never responded except for answering two phone calls (with an annoyed WHAT?!) after a series of nonstop texts that were annoying me to ask him to please stop. which i did. not nicely either.

 

this was after he left voicemails, which he didn't do that often, that sounded pretty desparate...well to me anyway.

 

then, about a month ago, at the 6-month mark, i finally texted back to please never contact me again, and that meant forever. he lasted three weeks, and then the texts started, this time tentatively and increasing in frequency for five days. then he left a long voicemail asking if he could call, telling me i was being "mean" and "nasty" and that he was never mean to me.

 

i was having a stressed out day and just wanted to deal with this and get rid of it (third attempt) and said yes...go ahead...call.

 

well man, if he didn't start right in with the i was being mean and he didn't understand why we could still be "friends" and why he couldn't call me or text or IM to see how i was (he's blocked in all IMs and has been since day 1..a few times he made new nics to leave me an IM...now my cell's another story...can't change the number...work reasons, but i did pay extra to block him...now he just uses other numbers) or send pictures and just basically be in each others lives. (key words...him contacting ME).

 

yeah whatever friends means to HIM, right. a one way thing when HE needs someone because no one else is around, whenever he has time or a problem and needs an ear, is what that boils down to.

 

well i said no. i choose not to do that. he said i couldn't handle it. i said well maybe not but that's not your problem or reality. i said i really don't see what the big deal is anyway...you have plenty of "friends" so what's one fewer who happens to be 800 miles away.

 

the i said, say goodbye, X...it's over. he said no. this loop continued three times. i then said, it's over...i'm done. we're done. we're nothing...not now and maybe not ever.

 

he again rehashed his poor-me drama at home (virtually unchanged but the choice he made and has to live with). again told me i need to date. i said um i am and have been since march. big mistake i guess, saying that, because no it seems he's gotten worse. in fact he disregarded everything i said on the call and at the end told me that whatever i decided, and i should let him know? he would abide by and respect. i said you have my answer. goodbye. he texted that night. and again for a few days...worse than the usual 10-14 day cycle. i haven't replied.

 

ugh. what is his problem really? ego? competition? jealousy? wants what he can't have? the friends thing? i don't buy it. hell i wouldn't want to be friends with me the way i treat him...not responding, being stern and strict, just saying no.

 

i will add this isn't stalkerish...he's not creepy or mean or evil. he's just sad and lonely maybe.

 

anyone else ever run into this? what's going on in his head? who knows, right?

 

oh and do i still love him? you betcha. but the reality is he's not here and i'm living life to the fullest...for today...not looking back or forward right now.

 

do i realize i'm not letting him go either. sure but i've been really, really good and honestly strong about this....under the circumstances.

[Geishawhelk]

Your big mistake is constantly responding.

If you are serious about the No Contact, you have to prove it to yourself and your current partner, not to your ex.

When he calls you on the 'phone, the minute you know it's him, hang up.

I believe you can either get number-alert phones, or have the 'phone company block his calls...

delete his messages and texts, block him at every available opportunity.

Do not give him the satisfaction of even acknowledging him.

That's what keeps him persisiting.

YOU RESPOND.

That's good enough for him.

 

So really, for your own good -

Stop. Call a halt to it, and end this now.

[BefuddledOne]

constantly responding? lol

 

um i've "responded" three times TOTAL compared to his maybe 500 contacts, and that was to ask him to STOP and tell him to go away, so sue me if i'm in the right MOOD i deem to try to get through to him one more time. and i HAVE blocked. i explained that.

 

this isn't about ME. i've moved on. my question is about HIM. what's he doing? this goes more to one of your fnal comments ..."enough for him." enough for him for WHAT. that's my question. why the hell is he doing this?

[LuCidiTy]

what's he doing?

 

hmmm making himself feel better, no doubt. maybe it's ego-related. who knows. i'm not a man so it's hard for me to think like one. but whatever it is, he sure isn't doing it for or helping you.

[jwi71]

um i've "responded" three times TOTAL compared to his maybe 500 contacts, and that was to ask him to STOP and tell him to go away, so sue me if i'm in the right MOOD i deem to try to get through to him one more time. and i HAVE blocked.

 

What is he up to? Hard to say.

What is he trying to accomplish? Again, hard to say. Besides the obvious reestablishment of contact anyway.

 

I do not doubt you are serious about getting him to stop. However, it doesn't look like "no" is enough. My advice - time to involve law enforcement and the phone company.

 

Print whatever records of the contacts you have and contact the police. Make your case, state unequivocally you want NC and get their advise. They may or may not act. Hopefully, a squad car will knock on his door and an officer can politely (or not so politely) inform him of your desire and that he is harassing you.

 

Contact your phone company and tell them the same. See what relief they can provide.

 

If nothing else, you have documented your desire to the authorities.

[raclar]

I suggest cutting him off! Do not answer his calls! Do not respond to his IMS! or Emails! nothing! If you get a voice mail.. delete it immediately without listening to it! If you get an IM delete it immediately without reading it!

 

I was also in a similar situation with my ex... if you respond AT ALL.. even 1 time in 100, they will think there is hope (for what I dunno! but it gives them SOMETHING to go on) cut him off completely. That's my 2 cents.