JustBreathe Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 My question is... Is it truly possible to divorce with apathy and indifference after infidelity? What is your opinion?
Nomad1 Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 That would depend on a number of things. If you wanted out anyway, then it is a relief when the other spouse initiates the divorce. If on the other hand you had no clue that the other spouse developed outside interests, then it is a double blow to your head! There is the betrayal for starters...then the division of assets etc. Very few people would be indifferent to such life altering event! Nomad1
Author JustBreathe Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 Thanks for your replies. I would have no problem divorcing with apathy and indifference. To keep this post short, he was unfaithful and I just can't get the feelings back. He has just gone on like nothing ever happened. He talks about our future What do you do when one wants a divorce and the other wants to stay married?
Nomad1 Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 Are there children involved? even so, you must clearly state that as far as you are concerned, after the infidelity, the marriage was over and there can never be a reconciliation under any circumstances. Be decisive.
Author JustBreathe Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 Nomad, thanks. I am hoping we can just part with dignity. At least that would be something. I think he MIGHT just not really care, but I can't tell as he is a virtual sphinx. He never talks about anything which was a huge factor in our not being able to reconcile. Also sometimes he appears as apathetic as I am then turn around and he will start rattling on about our retirement future or whatever. It's confusing. It was not just one infidelity. At the time I found out about his double life we had been married 18 years and my sons were 7, 10 and 18. I thought they were too young back then so I opted try to work on things with my husband. We've been married 25 years now. My sons are now 14, 17 and 25 (doesn't live at home anymore). I was trying to wait until my 17 year old graduated high school - that would make my youngest 15 and in his second yr. of h.s. My older would be driving by then and he could take his brother along and go back and forth between his dad and I as they wished. So I was trying to make a plan to leave by June of next year with as little impact on the kids as possible and as little friction between myself and my H as possible. Then our income tax return came in. There is enough money there that I could move out easily. I could do it now instead of waiting. I am sorely tempted and have been looking at apartments for rent. I do intend to follow through. With all my heart, I am truly done. But am unsure whether to wait another year or not. He has never had anyone but me and the kids. Should I leave him in the house and move out myself? Our home is so important to him and it might mean less friction between us over the divorce if I am the one to leave. What would happen if I did do you think? Should I do this.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 I think he should have to buy you out of the house. I wouldn't just walk away. Think about having an arbitrator handle your divorce. After 25 years, things should certainly be split 50/50.
Author JustBreathe Posted October 9, 2008 Author Posted October 9, 2008 I saw my individual counselor just now ... just got back actually... and she suggested marriage counseling to see if I can get through this one last year which was my original plan. We did marriage counseling a year or so after discovery day. It didn't work out as he would sit there like a stone. When he did say anything it was defensive and often untrue. I am somewhat optimistic that at least it might give me enough that I could hold on for another year. So I guess I'll keep seeing my individual counselor and try the marriage counseling again. So now I'll have two counselors. GAWD. I'm lucky I have good insurance. What do you think of that? The marriage counseling idea? If I sound like I'm crazy it's because I feel like I'm going crazy.
pelicanpreacher Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 Do not leave the marital home to protect your legal position. Explain to Mr. Nopants that infidelity is and has always been a deal breaker. Further explain that the only reason that you've stayed this long in the marriage is because the children were too young in your opinion to sustain the trauma of a divorce caused by his inititial infidelity but he has always been living on borrowed time. This newest discovery of infidelity has lit the fuse on his borrowed time so he may as well start looking at the future without you from here on out. Also inform him that you will explain to your family, friends, and children about why you are divorcing him and it will be up to him to repair his image there. Finally, let him know that this can be easy peasy or hard as hell but this divorce will be done and that he had better get used to the fact that his infidelity caused it!
Author JustBreathe Posted October 9, 2008 Author Posted October 9, 2008 Thanks again all, Here's what happened in a nutshell. I will try to keep it brief: Married 18 years: Affair w/co-worker discovered. mos. later confesses he hasn't ever been faithful to me. Blindsided, devastated. Then says he wants to start all over, is sorry... blah blah ... Following year: He leaves saying I will never recover, and wants to start a new life. He's back in 4 months. Kids were were still not quite old enough. I let him come back. year 22 of marriage: Discover a hidden email account. Demand he open it in front of me immediately because I didn't want him to have a chance to delete anything. He flatly refuses. I kick him out a few wks later. He's back in one week, crying, sobbing - it will all be different - email thing was only dirty emails not meet anyone etc. I had never seen him like that. I thought he might have a nervous breakdown. I let him back again. Now, married 25 years. He has kept all his promises. Treats me w/ newfound respect and appears sincerely regretful. He is an open book. Gave me all his passwords to everything. But I never check because I'm done playing detective. Since the last email thing, I can't get it back. I don't care if he cheats because I do not want him anymore. Looking forward to leaving. Today: Start marriage counseling 10/27 - Maybe will relieve some of the old buried resentment on my part, regret on his, so things will go more smoothly when I leave. Maybe I can hold on another year and stick to original plan. I do NOT hate him. I will always love him in a way because he has a good side that is as wonderful as his bad side is repulsive. BUT no real attachment on my part. He's like a close relative, a dear brother or something. I am sick of the jumping poodle dog and pony show. I want out.
Nomad1 Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 Sorry to hear about what you have gone through. He does not deserve anymore of your time and patience, but if you do decide to stay another year, do it for you and your children. Make it clear to him what your plans are, so there are no surprises. Good luck
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