Are we quick Giver-Uppers?

[TigerCub]

I know I am. I've found a certain pattern in my dating history that really worries me yet gives me some comfort at the same time.

 

When I'm dating someone I find that during the relationship if certain issues come up where they do something that makes me feel disrespected, or hurt and that issue keeps coming up, I simply wont put up with it, and I'll drop them.

 

Sometimes after the fact I think 'maybe I gave up too quickly, people work their **** out all the time' but at other times I think 'I'm glad I'm not a doormat and I'd rather be alone that unhappy' so that's where the worry/comfort thing comes from me being a quick giver-upper.

 

I just find that I can't be bothered to waste time on guys that don't fit my standard of what I want in a man, and so I just don't have the patience for them and I end things - although some of them probably had potential.

 

But being a quick giver upper worries me too because that way I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a longterm relationship and tough things out when times get rough.

 

Even looking at the posts on LS there are so many situations where there might be a little issue like the someone being aggitaed with the whole 'chase game' or something minor and a lot of responses (including mine) are saying 'move on - find something better'. I'm just wondering if we're becoming quick giver-uppers. (This discussion does not include cases where there is infidelity - because that's a whole different thing)

 

Anyone else a quick giver-upper?

[Ronni_W]

and that issue keeps coming up, I simply wont put up with it, and I'll drop them.

I tend to be like that, too, but I don't consider myself a "quick" giver-upper. I have healthy boundaries and limits on what, and for how long, I will allow myself to be subjected to, is how I see it.

 

For longer term relationships, I tend to be more patient about waiting for better treatment (which can be depleting and frustrating, obviously.)

But with new relationships (romantic or friendships), I prefer living by the baseball rule: three strikes and...you are OUT!

[Geishawhelk]

I think it's circumstantial...if he gets blind stinking drunk, insists on driving home, crashes the car then insists you tell the cops you were driving - I think you'd be within your rights to kick him to the kerb....!

 

However, in the more common, let's say mundane, surmountable issues, which might benefit from good communication, I think it's worth persevering.

Mr - or Ms - Perfect don't exist. And whilst I'm sure you'll tell me you're not looking for Mr perfect, the fact that you have such expectations may be that you're aiming a little too high, or setting your standards up in the 'hard to achieve' slot....

 

Giving up all too easily means you don't stick around to potentially get hurt.

 

It also means you don't stick around for a potentially fulfilling relationship....

How many do you expect to have to experience, before finding the place your heart allows, to settle down?

[TigerCub]

For longer term relationships, I tend to be more patient about waiting for better treatment (which can be depleting and frustrating, obviously.)

 

My longest relationship was ~1year & 8 months, and I did try to be patient but yeah it was too exhausting and when I feel the recurring issue was causing me to constantly feel bad I just had to end it.

 

Sometimes I think about couples who are together for 5+,or 10+, or even 30 something years and ya know those people tough it out, they're not quick giver uppers because life isn't all smooth sailing but they didn't just walk away, and I feel that my pride decides when I drop a person, so its a double edged sword, I'm very glad I choose my pride and self esteem, but sometimes I may walk away without bothering to try to fix things.

 

UGH!!! I'm very impatient and I don't have the patience to try to learn how to change that

[TigerCub]

You're so right Geishawhelk. I honestly don't know why I can't be bothered. Maybe it is because I'm afraid to invest in someone and then get hurt, but I don't know that for sure either.

 

I don't think I am looking for a perfect guy, but I want a male equivalent to me, so because of that I have dumped guys for not having any kind of sense of humor, I have dropped guys for being cheap, I have dropped guys for being dishonest, etc...the list goes on..I have dated and broken up with a lot of guys, but I just think 'Well I'm nice, I'm smart and friendly, honest, pretty, generous, have a sense of humor, independent' why can't I find a guy with all those qualities as well? I should be able to, and so I just don't bother with guys that don't fit that bill - although I compromised on the looks criteria if the essentials seem to be there...still something always comes up and I just can't be bothered...

 

It scares me because I know if things stay that way, I'll never be able to truly invest in a real relationship

[Ronni_W]

couples who are together for 5+,or 10+, or even 30 something years and ya know those people tough it out,

 

I know what you mean. But, in my mind, there is a big difference between just one person putting up with the same old crap while the other does nothing but dish it out, versus two people collaborating to resolve whatever new crap life sends.

 

Sometimes it isn't our stuff that needs to be "fixed" (resolved) -- for me, it is about not exhausting my own supply of patience waiting for the other person to do what s/he needs to do about the negative stuff that s/he is contributing.

 

when I feel the recurring issue was causing me to constantly feel bad

 

Honestly, to me that doesn't indicate impatience -- you are giving it a fair shot, letting it "recur" until it has created a "constant" negative feeling. I'd even go so far as to say that is the exact OPPOSITE of impatience.

 

Maybe people see you as impatient because you don't constantly whine and complain...and then it ends up LOOKING like you didn't have patience and just "blew up"? But they don't know how long you've "suffered in silence", as it were.

This scenario used to be true for me -- it was my own issue, that I didn't know how to properly (assertively) express my preferences and dislikes in a timely manner...BUT that didn't mean that I was impatient. I had (have) patience like Job! Other people just didn't get a chance to see it, cos it was on the inside that my patience was happening.

[Isolde]

I do think in this day and age, there's this tendency to view people as replaceable, boyfriends and girlfriends are often seen as more disposable than pets. I think it's because of 1) overpopulation--the fact that there probably ARE lots of compatible people floating around and 2) the fast paced stress of modern living, where people move around a lot.

 

That being said, I think when compatibility is there, it shows much more respect to try to work it out than to simply let it slide because one person isn't happy for a while.

[TigerCub]

Maybe people see you as impatient because you don't constantly whine and complain...and then it ends up LOOKING like you didn't have patience and just "blew up"? But they don't know how long you've "suffered in silence", as it were.

 

I'm definitely not the quite type. If a bf does something that I feel was disrespectful or rude, I'll definitely speak up and explain why I find it offensive, its when that particular action keeps repeating that I'll just think 'ya know what its either you're an fn idiot and you can't understand or you're just disrespectful and rude and either way I don't want to be with you' (I dont say it like that, but that's definitely what I think) and therefore I drop 'em.

[TigerCub]

I do think in this day and age, there's this tendency to view people as replaceable, boyfriends and girlfriends are often seen as more disposable than pets. I think it's because of 1) overpopulation--the fact that there probably ARE lots of compatible people floating around and 2) the fast paced stress of modern living, where people move around a lot.

 

That being said, I think when compatibility is there, it shows much more respect to try to work it out than to simply let it slide because one person isn't happy for a while.

 

I think you're onto something with you reasons for why we could be in the mindset of being able to see our bfs/gfs as replaceable, but when it comes to letting things slide - I really can't bring myself to do that most of the time. I'm not perfect and I'm not saying my SO needs to be either but when it comes to recurring issues that cause problems, the party that's completely ignoring the issue and causing the problem needs to get their act together because why should one party just put up will bull****? that's not fair.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I'm not perfect and I'm not saying my SO needs to be either but when it comes to recurring issues that cause problems, the party that's completely ignoring the issue and causing the problem needs to get their act together because why should one party just put up will bull****? that's not fair.

 

Let me explain it to you like this. If your standards demand 95 out of 100 from him, and his standards require 70 out of 100 for you, then there is your problem.

 

I read your post and in a way you seem broken.

[pandagirl]

It seems to me like it's a self-defense mechanism. You get rid of them, before you get hurt. Finding reasons to dump them, before getting too close.

[TigerCub]

Let me explain it to you like this. If your standards demand 95 out of 100 from him, and his standards require 70 out of 100 for you, then there is your problem.

 

I read your post and in a way you seem broken.

 

but is it really demanding 100% out of someone if you're expecting them to be smart,have a sense of humor, be independent, caring, honest.

Is that really expecting too much out of someone. I'm not saying they have to be all those things 100% of the time I'm with them, but they should have the ability to be most of those things. I dunno, I just don't think that's too much. If I was with someone and I did something that offended them, I would be a lot more careful not to do that again, I would put in the effort, and so I expect that from the people I'm with too. I just don't know why that seems like I'm asking too much.

 

I'm really curious, why do you think I seem broken?

[TigerCub]

It seems to me like it's a self-defense mechanism. You get rid of them, before you get hurt. Finding reasons to dump them, before getting too close.

 

Maybe, but I just don't know how to change it. I think one of my biggest fears is to end up being 'stuck' in a relationship where I'm not happy and be someone's doormat, and I know that as things are right now I'm of the mindset that 'I would rather be alone than unhappy' and I know it is what leads me to be a quick giver upper and I'm sure that being in a long term relationship and compromising doesn't equal being a doormat, but I just have this irrational fear of being trapped...I guess that's what it is - I just don't know how to change it.

[Untouchable_Fire]

but is it really demanding 100% out of someone if you're expecting them to be smart,have a sense of humor, be independent, caring, honest.

Is that really expecting too much out of someone. I'm not saying they have to be all those things 100% of the time I'm with them, but they should have the ability to be most of those things. I dunno, I just don't think that's too much. If I was with someone and I did something that offended them, I would be a lot more careful not to do that again, I would put in the effort, and so I expect that from the people I'm with too. I just don't know why that seems like I'm asking too much.

I'm really curious, why do you think I seem broken?

 

Sometimes those traits don't stand out in people. I don't think your asking for too much, however... You should know that you probably dumped 4 guys already who matched that perfectly.

 

This isn't about your standards... it's about your expectations, and attitude. Fix it now, before you wind up lowering your standards to accomodate your expectations!

[pandagirl]

Maybe, but I just don't know how to change it. I think one of my biggest fears is to end up being 'stuck' in a relationship where I'm not happy and be someone's doormat, and I know that as things are right now I'm of the mindset that 'I would rather be alone than unhappy' and I know it is what leads me to be a quick giver upper and I'm sure that being in a long term relationship and compromising doesn't equal being a doormat, but I just have this irrational fear of being trapped...I guess that's what it is - I just don't know how to change it.

 

I have a guy friend sort of like you. He's great. Handsome, funny, smart, educated, etc. He dates and dates and dates. He has no shortage of girls interested in him.

 

He says he wants to stop casually dating and find a serious relationship, but he -- without fail -- finds something wrong with them. He is very resolute in finding the "perfect girl." A woman who meets 100% of his requirements.

 

I totally applaud not settling for less than you want, but it gets old when you focus on the few things that are missing instead of focusing on all the positives.

[TigerCub]

I totally applaud not settling for less than you want, but it gets old when you focus on the few things that are missing instead of focusing on all the positives.

 

I totally see what you're saying, but I feel when there is an issue with someone I'm dating and they're not living upto my standards, I feel bad, kind of like I'm letting myself down by letting it slide - I think of things along the lines of "Well I deserve to be with someone with [fill in a good fundamental quality]. I offer the same so why cant I have it in return?" I guess I feel short changed and that I'm letting myself down and setteling by giving up what I feel I deserve - and those qualities I feel I deserve are things I, myself bring to a relationship, they're not crazy out of this world materialistic expecations. I guess I need to work on the way I preceive things. Thank you very much for you insight

[TigerCub]

Fix it now, before you wind up lowering your standards to accomodate your expectations!

 

That's a very interesting comment. How do I fix it? When you say my expectations, do you think that I project some kind of sense of entitlement? I don't think I do, but I know I kind of feel that way about certain qualities on the inside, like usually when I'm dating someone, I just keep things light and drama free, but when i see a bunch of things I don't like, I end it quickly so not to lead anyone on further or waste my time or theirs. How do I change all that?

[torranceshipman]

Keep the faith Tigercub! I think this one is very simple-you'll know when you've met the right one - or at least, the guy that you know you'll go through the good and bad with cause he's so worth it. Until then don't sell out by dating guys who are 'almosts' as I think it IS better being single unless its with someone right.

 

Dont forget society seems to think its normal to be in a R and that theres somehow something wrong if we're not, and I think thats why girls question the reasons for their single status so much, as if its a bad thing. It isnt! You are worth a lot and a guy shouldnt have you, your time and your company unless he's the RIGHT guy. I dont think its a fear of getting hurt that makes you dump the guys-its your intuition telling you theyre not so right for you, you dont have chemistry, whatever....Thats what I think anyway

[TigerCub]

Thank you Torranceshipman, that's very encouraging - maybe I'm not doing things all wrong afterall

[D-Jam]

When I'm dating someone I find that during the relationship if certain issues come up where they do something that makes me feel disrespected, or hurt and that issue keeps coming up, I simply wont put up with it, and I'll drop them.

I don't see anything wrong with that. I personally wish more people would just give 1-2 chances to improve for people and then have the backbone to WALK AWAY.

 

This especially is aimed at all the women who end up in horrible RLs with jerks and all the men who end up in horrible RLs with evil b!tches. The problem isn't so much that they ended up with said bad person, but they keep giving them chance after chance after chance to "do better", when they never do. They never realize that with every chance they give, that bad person will know you'll never dump them and thus they see no reason to do anything for you.

 

Ever notice that when you say "it's over" that person is suddenly begging for another chance and will try to do better (for a short period)?

 

I think more people need to stop giving chances and just LAUNCH people when they can see this person isn't right. Not sit around and hope things will change. I was terrible with that. Would meet women who came off as cool at first, but then either played games or became headcases. In my nice guy logic, I stuck around thinking I should be supportive or not toss people away so easily. I was wrong based on how many times I got burned.

 

With my current, I will launch her the minute some major red flag pops up that I see will only become a problem. No more. I'd rather be alone for life than deal with the drama and games.

 

I just find that I can't be bothered to waste time on guys that don't fit my standard of what I want in a man, and so I just don't have the patience for them and I end things - although some of them probably had potential.

I think as long as you're dumping these guys for valid reasons, then it's all good.

 

What I mean by valid reasons could be things like he showed up to the first date at a nice restaurant wearing a sports jersey and torn jeans, or he was very rude to you on the date, or you found out he's cheated on his last 3 girlfriends, or he's still married (but claiming he's getting a divorce), or some other reason that says he wouldn't be a good man to you.

 

Even if it's something like his online dating photos show him as an athlete with a full head of hair, but you find out those photos are ten years old and he's now morbidly obese and bald.

 

Stupid reasons would more be that you knew his height, but now you think he's too short for you, or he comes off as wonderful, but you're just not getting sparks because you spent years chasing bad boys, or he drives an economical car when you're attracted to men with fancy cars.

 

Everyone...male or female...has a right to reject someone they're not feeling it with, but the bigger problem in our world is that too many men and women have set their sights so high that barely anyone can fulfill it. It's like women in NYC who want a Mr. Big. There just isn't enough guys like that to go around compared to the amount of women who want them...plus a percentage of those guys don't even want commitment.

 

I also think that some men and women need to be careful that if they're constantly rejecting everyone that maybe they're not holding on to some person and hoping to find a clone. Had one girl who was massively hooked on some handsome hunk who would never commit to anyone...so she in many ways was trying to find a clone of him that would commit. In the end, she really wanted that guy and no one ever seemed "good enough" in her eyes.

 

It's no wonder she is still single and yet complaining how she can't meet any good men.

[soconfused01]

no body ever got anywhere by settling (except the pilgrims- oh!). If you don't find someone that makes you feel lucky to be with them, then I agree that you should move on. That said, you might want to try being more understanding than you usually are of people's faults, really try to delve into their perspective and see where that gets you. Not saying you're not understanding at all, but the excercise couldn't hurt and ease your worry about being too picky if you find that you are in fact being understandable and the guy's just a douche.

[pandagirl]

The funny thing is, sometime you do feel "it" with someone who is completely wrong for you, which makes you overlook all their bad characteristics!

 

Love doesn't make sense, does it?