What happens now?

[tft]

Hello All. I've been lurking on here for the past few days, reading various posts and discussions. I've posted here previously, when my MM had a wobble when he tried to leave for the first time. He finally managed it in feb this year (We had an emotional affair since oct 05, which became physical when he left the first time in May 07, my old posts have the details) So, does anyone have any experiences to share about what comes afterwards? Its been a very rocky road for us, he was fine the first few months, then around his birthday started doubting his decision. He was seeing her on a very regular basis, and was withdrawing from me. She has since met someone else and appears to be really happy-which has confused him further (and me by his reaction, he didn't like it at all) A month ago he had something of an epiphany after I told him to come find me when he was sure of what he wanted, and that if I was single we could try and work it out. He told me the following day he was being an idiot, that he never gave us a chance and that he wanted to. And, things have been better (exactly what I'd always wanted) However, I found some evidence (ahem) since then that he's been telling her that he thinks she should have him back. When confronted, he said he wanted to make her feel bad as he felt she'd not been helping him like he did her when he left in feb (with all the frequent visits to her to "help her through it"). She does not know he left her for someone else, or that he is seeing anyone else. I'm having a dilema because I don't really trust him, and he's being supportive about this, has admitted its his fault i'm insecure, but it is putting a big strain on us. Writing all this down and reading it back, it seems obvious that I should leave him? Any thoughts and experiences from others would be very much appreciated.

 

Thanks x

[Billie63]

In your position I'd be tempted to let the ex-wife know all about you and him but do it anonymously.

 

Chances are once she knows the whole truth about his infidelity she'll tell him to back off once and for all.

 

She's met someone else, she's happy, why should he spoil her well deserved fun with his mind games?

 

And you? Are you sure you want this man?

 

Because there's only one reason why he asked her to take him back - because he can't stand her being with another man and it's driving him nuts and he'll do anything to break them up.

 

This is the great prize you've landed - you still sure you want it?

[2sure]

Divorce, seperation, moving on are always traumatic, even if he is the one who left, even if he loves you. Seeing your ex happy with someone else is a shot to the gut, regardless of the circumstances. It makes you second guess. But usually, the real reasons for leaving prevail - the problems in the relationship that caused the breakup. In the case of leaving for another woman however, he may have the light bulb go on. Seeing the situation reversed, he may be just now realizing what he has lost.

 

On the other hand, it sounds like this particular man was so committed to having you both - he hasnt yet come to terms with the fact that he just cant.

[GreenX]

In your position I'd be tempted to let the ex-wife know all about you and him but do it anonymously.

 

Chances are once she knows the whole truth about his infidelity she'll tell him to back off once and for all.

 

She's met someone else, she's happy, why should he spoil her well deserved fun with his mind games?

 

And you? Are you sure you want this man?

 

Because there's only one reason why he asked her to take him back - because he can't stand her being with another man and it's driving him nuts and he'll do anything to break them up.

 

This is the great prize you've landed - you still sure you want it?

 

I agree. You both deserve better, she deserves to know and you deserve a man who has only you in his heart. He is feeling bitter because she is happy with someone else who isn't him. If he were 100% committed to you that wouldn't mean anything to him, but, it does and he isn't do a good job of controlling it.

 

Move forward, find someone who will love AND respect you.

[Dominique]

My dear,

 

It is very "simple". This one is wobbly, which means he isn't sure, which means you are going to stew with confusion for as long as things remain as they are--and they will until you lay down the law.

 

You tell this Romeo that he must go away and stay away until he is completely 100% there for you in mind, body and spirit. This is not to say he will then not have any fleeting thoughts of his ex--that will be natural post divorce. But you must put this to the test to find out if you are the one for him, and not just one of two possibilities....

 

It hurts, it stings, and as they say here, "it sucks". But, your self respect will go through the roof and his respect for you will also sky rocket. It looks really good when a person acts out of genuine self confidence and self respect. There is often so little of it out there.

 

You might have to swallow the bitter pill, but it is just what will cure you...

 

Dom

[tft]

all for your replies. I have thought about telling her, if I were in her position I'd certainly like to know, and she does have a right to know. However, i'm not sure its really my place too. We've discussed it, and she will not be happy about it as she suspected there was something going on between us before he left, and it will make things very messy.

 

I've also thought about givinghim space and letting him decide to come to me, however when I've suggested this to him he points out that he left her (he lived 60 miles away) and moved to my city to be with me. In his words, he's already shown me that he wants to be with me.

 

Its really difficult as I know they have a close bond, and always will as they spent so much time together. He's stopped seeing so much of her, and there is definately more space between them now. He loves her like a member of his family I think. Its sooo hard hearing him say he misses her though, and this jealousy is tearing us apart.

 

I'm so confused.

[Billie63]

all for your replies. I have thought about telling her, if I were in her position I'd certainly like to know, and she does have a right to know. However, i'm not sure its really my place too. We've discussed it, and she will not be happy about it as she suspected there was something going on between us before he left, and it will make things very messy.

 

I've also thought about givinghim space and letting him decide to come to me, however when I've suggested this to him he points out that he left her (he lived 60 miles away) and moved to my city to be with me. In his words, he's already shown me that he wants to be with me.

 

Its really difficult as I know they have a close bond, and always will as they spent so much time together. He's stopped seeing so much of her, and there is definately more space between them now. He loves her like a member of his family I think. Its sooo hard hearing him say he misses her though, and this jealousy is tearing us apart.

 

I'm so confused.

 

Just tell her. But as I said, do it anonymously and then deny deny and deny that you spilt the beans.

 

I don't believe in telling the wife for her own good because you're right, it's not your place to. But in this situation they have split, she's moving on and he's trying to sabotage that. In addition, he has not publicly acknowledged you to her. He's hedging his bets like a coward when really he should be fully committed to you.

 

Send the wife an anonymous letter with proof of the affair and let the crap hit the fan, you've got nothing to lose.

[tft]

Hi All

 

So, it has been 8 months now since he left. We've just had a really really nice break at a spa. And came back to the same old problems.

 

He still really misses her, he told me so just yesterday (after we had got back, in the midst of a row) Is this normal? I have decided, for a number of reasons that I'm not going to tell his W about us. He says that the email contact is purely friendly between them (but refuses to show me them as "he doesn't want to be under the thumb, you either trust me or don't")

 

Its really difficult as I sit next to him at work, and everytime he gets an email I know its from her as he minimizes the window, which immediately sets me off.

 

I've noticed that there are a number of women on here at the moment who's MM has left his M for them, and I know its not easy. But this has been 8 months now. Is this normal? I know posters like OWoman and GEL are a little further down the line with their MM-how did it go for you? Is this just a phase I have to put up with??

 

Thanks for taking the time to read, all reaponses are appreciated. I love this website.

 

tft

xxxx

[tft]

A couple of things I failed to mention:

 

He has not told any of his family and friends about me. They all think he's in a new city (he moved to the city he works in to be with me) with no real friends. I'm not really sure why, he says its because he doesn't want to tell them before telling his W.

 

He'd decided he wants to go away for Christmas and new year, on his own, because he thinks it will be too difficult to be around his family (no mention of me here) It will also be his wedding anniversary.

 

Are these red flags or am I just reading too much into them?

[bentnotbroken]

Truthfully what did you expect to happen with a liar and cheat? He isn't going anywhere alone, he is going to be with his family. How much you wanna bet he has purchased(or will) a spectacular gift for the BS? Been there, done that.

[tft]

I don't know what to expect really. His W is going away with her new man. He doesn't want to spend the holidays in this country, so was going to fly off somewhere on his own. As for the present, I'd like to think not. Maybe i'm just niave.

[PG Love]

I feel your pain! I am in a very similar situation except the W knows all about our affair. He did leave about 2 months after she found out, but was back and forth for another month. He moved into a townhouse with 4 other guys because he was paying her alimony and didn't have $ to move out on his own. I live 2 hours away so he couldn't leave his job and move in with me right away. For the last several months we have had this discussion about him not going over to her house and it frustrates me to no end. At one point he would go over to visit his adult son and then end up staying the night on her couch, then once I put a stop to that he would go over for dinner and then go back to his freinds house. He has moved in with me 2 weeks ago and still has gone to visit his son from time to time (which I don't have a problem with) but then eats dinner and visits with both of them. I know that he loves me I just think he's having a hard time letting go of seeing her for 24 years. I actually can understand this, but we are still working on this. I wouldn't mind it as much if she wouldn't talk badly about me to try and get him to second guess his decision to leave. In my situation I decided that I just have to trust that there is nothing going on and the dust will settle in time.

[2sure]

Regardless of the reasons...if you and your relationship are still a secret...you are still the OW. Since his wife is seeing someone else and this bothers him....he is keeping you a secret not to protect wife's feelings, but to keep the door open should she choose to reconcile.

 

This woman is controlling your life. And she isnt even aware of it.

[jwi71]

2Sure hit the nail on the head and I couldn't agree more.

[frannie]

I don't know what to expect really. His W is going away with her new man. He doesn't want to spend the holidays in this country, so was going to fly off somewhere on his own.

 

This doesn't sound very good at all.

 

While it's understandable that he might miss her and be thrown by her finding another man, etc. these are feelings he has to come clean about, rather than emailing her and telling her he thinks she should get back together with him. Anyone can have regrets after a long relationship, but you have to deal with them without flip-flopping between two people.

 

At the moment he is still stuck in MM mode of having two women he's trying to be involved with. He has not let go of W, and he is far too complacent about you. And he's very good at his 'look what I've done for you!' stuff, which is very hard to deal with. Yes, he's left, twice, but he's emailing her and spending time with her?? That's the important part.

 

However you do it is up to you, but you have to knock him off his perch. And the best way to do that is to close the door firmly in his face until he's stopped whaffling and come to his senses.

[bentnotbroken]

I feel your pain! I am in a very similar situation except the W knows all about our affair. He did leave about 2 months after she found out, but was back and forth for another month. He moved into a townhouse with 4 other guys because he was paying her alimony and didn't have $ to move out on his own. I live 2 hours away so he couldn't leave his job and move in with me right away. For the last several months we have had this discussion about him not going over to her house and it frustrates me to no end. At one point he would go over to visit his adult son and then end up staying the night on her couch, then once I put a stop to that he would go over for dinner and then go back to his freinds house. He has moved in with me 2 weeks ago and still has gone to visit his son from time to time (which I don't have a problem with) but then eats dinner and visits with both of them. I know that he loves me I just think he's having a hard time letting go of seeing her for 24 years. I actually can understand this, but we are still working on this. I wouldn't mind it as much if she wouldn't talk badly about me to try and get him to second guess his decision to leave. In my situation I decided that I just have to trust that there is nothing going on and the dust will settle in time.

 

 

What is she supposed to do. Tell him, " I am so glad you found someone to be unfaithful to me with and that you respected me enough to do it the right way. I hope you and she will experience the respect that neither of you gave me? She truly is a lovely woman, glad she is part of the family?" Seems like you are living in a dream world on that one count.

[Owl]

OK, you have three HUGE, HUGE red flags going on here.

 

1. He's REFUSING to allow you see communications that he has with a woman "he misses". He said "you either trust me, or you don't". Care to bet he's used that line before? To his wife...and look at what that got her.

 

2. He's still keeping you a secret...FROM EVERYONE. There's only one real reason for this...especially given how he's repeatedly told you that he still has feelings for her. He's keeping his options open for going home to her. That means that he is NOT committed to being with YOU.

 

3. He's asking for "space". Do you have any idea how often a BS hears that from the WS during an affair? Only to learn later that it wasn't "space to sort through things"...

 

 

Unfortunately, I don't have any real "actionable" advice for you at the moment. There isn't much that I can see for you to do other than protect yourself.

[noreply110]

As it has been touched on before, it is very telling that he isn't willing to share your relationship with others. I am betting his W wouldn't really care if he started seeing someone. It has been 8 months, and she is going out of town with her new beau for the holidays. She doesn't care if her STBX is dating.

 

He cares if people know. In all considerations, your MM is single. And he is Choosing to not be with you in his family and friend life. You are still an Affair, but there is no reason for it.

 

You get to choose if you are okay with this. The W is not the issue. She has moved on. Good Luck.

[tft]

To all of you for your replies. I have a fantastic support network at home, and its wonderful to be able to post on here and receive such good advice.

 

Basically, you and my friends are all saying the same thing. even he is I suppose. He is confused, and whilst he still has both of us where he wants us he's not going to change. The information I gained from getting his emails was sickening. The way he was manipulating her to make her feel sorry for him. I kept a copy, and read it when I'm feeling unsure as to what I should do. But even as I'm reading it I can hear his justifications for it in my ear....

 

Its all too confusing.

 

Owl, you were right when you said it was a red flag he wanted space. It was in this time he sent her letters and emails. I'd never looked at it that way before.

 

His W appears to be very happy with her new man, she is with him most weekends. She has told MM that she would never take him back, because of all the hurt (withdrawal from the R) in the 2 years before he left.

 

I've kind of come to the conclusion that I do deserve more than this. Its a very definate, if slightly uncomfortable, feeling as I know what it means. I'm with friends all weekend, he was expecting to come out with us tonight, and I said no. He said if I want to speak to calll him sunday, I said if he's ready to talk about why he can't or won't move on then HE should call ME (i asked him today, he got aggressive and said something like I don't effing know, please, stop talking to me about this). Otherwise I'm not interested. I've never played games with him. I think I need to let him go and see what happens. I can't carry on like this.

 

If he can't see that I'm a catch (younger, prettier, nicer and very successful in my job) its his loss I guess. Now, how do you actually make yourself believe this?!

 

Thanks again

 

xx

[Owl]

If he can't see that I'm a catch (younger, prettier, nicer and very successful in my job) its his loss I guess. Now, how do you actually make yourself believe this?!

 

Have an affair? LOL...just joking, but it often seems like its exactly this kind of 'validation' that is a huge part of the wayward spouse mindset.

 

I'd suggest you set some BOUNDARIES in what you'll accept in a relationship with any man. MM included.

 

1. I won't be with a partner who isn't clearly committed to their relationship with me.

 

2. I won't be with a partner who values SECRECY (not privacy) over the safety and security of our relationship.

 

3. I will not remain in a relationship with someone who is unable to communicate and work through our problems WITHOUT me...it must be WITH me.

 

You get the idea.

[tft]

I've seen him, and told him my worries. And he finally admitted he can't commit to me. I ended it. It hurts more than anything I've ever done, but there is a big sense of relief.

 

Thank you all for your very wise words

 

x

[whichwayisup]

You did good - So don't doubt your decision to end it with him. He admitted he can't commit to you, so there's no point in even trying to change his mind.

 

Relief=the beginning of you really letting go so you can heal. No hope, no dreams, nothing..Just grieve and move through the process of breaking up and never looking back.

 

You have your life back, so be excited about that!

[Mino]

This doesn't sound very good at all.

 

While it's understandable that he might miss her and be thrown by her finding another man, etc. these are feelings he has to come clean about, rather than emailing her and telling her he thinks she should get back together with him. Anyone can have regrets after a long relationship, but you have to deal with them without flip-flopping between two people.

 

At the moment he is still stuck in MM mode of having two women he's trying to be involved with. He has not let go of W, and he is far too complacent about you. And he's very good at his 'look what I've done for you!' stuff, which is very hard to deal with. Yes, he's left, twice, but he's emailing her and spending time with her?? That's the important part.

 

However you do it is up to you, but you have to knock him off his perch. And the best way to do that is to close the door firmly in his face until he's stopped whaffling and come to his senses.

I agree with you frannie.. My mm has been out almost 4 months.. Still has guilt, still withdrawn on many days.. I am over this up and downs... I said he needs to figure out what he wants... If he chooses us... things need to change... till then LC.

[tft]

Hi Mino

 

This is exactly what I did yesterday.Well done for doing it sooner than me, let me tell you 8 months of it is absolutely awful.

 

I'd be interested to hear how it goes for you.

 

I can't really go LC as I sit next to him at work. Fortunately I'm out of the office all day today.

 

Good luck, and well done for being strong. Did you feel a sense of relief too?

[OWoman]

tft, sorry to hear it came down to that. I think where my MM differed was he was always clear from the start about committing to me - and very open with family, friends and colleagues about me and my place in his life. My MM never wanted space - he wanted us to be together from the second he left his W, the way we'd been together previously for chunks of time. I was the one who forced the "time on his own" issue, by simply not joining him until I was ready and considered he was ready too - a decision I consider to be the right one in our circumstances, though obviously for others like GEL it has worked differently. Even now, any hesitation of uncertainty is mine, not his.

 

Which is not to say he hasn't had his moments of feeling down, or thinking he "failed" in his M, or hating himself for hurting anyone... but he's been clear about what's "past" stuff and what's "future" stuff and that the future is all about us - clear to everyone, and with everyone's support.

 

I think the secrecy is such a big issue. Perhaps some guys are different, but to my MM, his family and friends and colleagues are important; he trusts and values their judgment. Their support (during the A, during the break up, and since) has been invaluable to him, and to us. Don't underestimate that - if he keeps you separate from his support structures, he's seeing "him" and not "you-as-a-couple".

 

(((((hugs)))))