Argument

[Alex96]

Me and my GF go to the same college, today there was a fire drill and everyone had to leave the college and wait outside. As i was walking out i heard a voice call me and i looked over and it was my gf, i looked over and smiled at her and then carried on walking with my group, which we had been told to do. After the drill had ended it was lunch and I started leavin the college and i saw my girlfriend with afew of her mates, i started walkin twords her and she said she didnt want to talk to me. I was confsed so i asked her why and she said i had blatently ignored her, and then she got really pissed off and started telling me to f**k off and that she didnt want to talk to me for ignoring her, i tried to explain that the only reason i didnt come over was because we had been told to stay in our groups and that otherwise i would have, but she was just saying it wasnt far i could have come and spoke to her. Now im really worried because she was REALLY angry with me and I cant really do anything other than explain the truth. it shocked me because I didnt realise i had come accross that way and now I dont know what to do. My gf can be very stubborn and can hold a grudge for a while and i dont want this to last ages and for her to be angry at me. What should I do to help her cool off and just forgive me for something i didnt even mean to do.

[Ronni_W]

I think the thing to do is just leave her alone until she has regained her senses and a proper perspective.

You already explained your truth about the incident to her once, no need to do it again -- it is not likely to be any more useful the 2nd, 3rd or 10th time that you say it.

 

What you need to get across is that you are the type of person who follows 'rules & regulations' to the letter. There isn't anything "wrong" with doing that. If she stays angry at you, it is really that she isn't accepting this part of your personality. And then you need to decide if you want to be in relationship with someone who does not accept/appreciate ALL of you. Plus, she was extremely rude to you about it. Even if she was feeling humiliated or rejected or whatever, she demonstrated total lack of self-management and healthy communication skills.

 

(Which, you can or you don't have to change this part of yourself (that feels compelled to abide by rules & regs) -- it's not for others to judge if having that need/desire is "good" or "bad" or "silly" or "smart" or whatever.)

 

Since she doesn't seem to mind that rule being broken, why didn't SHE come over to where you were?

[Alex96]

Yeah I think I'll let her cool off, we've been together 14 months so we do know and accept each others personalities well. She gets easily angry but less easily loses the anger, I understand this and when we argue we normally make up and are hugging and kissing in a a few days, but I was wondering if there was anyway to cut the process short and make up sooner, because I don't like tension between us. When the angers fresh in her mind she wont listen to me, and will just say she doesn't care. So I guess I have to wait it out again.

[Ronni_W]

but I was wondering if there was anyway to cut the process short ...I don't like tension ...I guess I have to wait it out again.

Well, yes -- you can take that passive approach and just let life happen TO you.

 

In terms of how to shorten the process -- you can only do your 100% part and hope that she will do her 100% part: let her know that it creates inner tension for you, and that it is negatively impacting your psyche as well as on SOME aspects of the relationship's ability to promote and support your sense of personal well-being.

 

It's tough to start communicating stuff like that in a firm yet kind (assertive) way -- sending hugs and good luck for your success.

[Lauriebell82]

Yeah I think I'll let her cool off, we've been together 14 months so we do know and accept each others personalities well. She gets easily angry but less easily loses the anger, I understand this and when we argue we normally make up and are hugging and kissing in a a few days, but I was wondering if there was anyway to cut the process short and make up sooner, because I don't like tension between us. When the angers fresh in her mind she wont listen to me, and will just say she doesn't care. So I guess I have to wait it out again.

 

Sounds to me like she's immature. How old are the two of you?

 

Anyway, waiting for her to regain her senses again is a solution, HOWEVER is it really the best solution for you? It doesn't sound like "waiting it out" is something you enjoy doing. Why does it take a few days for her to regain her sanity? Having a conversation about this may do you some good. The issue is not even about the fact that you "ignored her." It sounds like a deeper issues of communication. She needs to learn to voice her concerns without being rude and losing control of her emotions (a sign of immaturity). Most likely it is just a problem with age and she WILL mature and realize this behavior is problematic.

 

I agree with Ronnie that you should tell her how you are feeling. Everything you basically posted here. (in a nice and understanding manner of course). If you phrase it to the sense that this is for concern of your relationship, then she may respond less defensively, then if you just blantantly accuse her of displaying this type of behavior.

 

Good luck!!

[Alex96]

We're 17. I don't think she's immature as such, just very short tempered. Yeah I'll talk to her about it, maybe not tonight though as I'll probably be wasting my breath. I do love her, and she means everything to me. Most the time we're fine with each other and everything's ok but when we fall out it's hard to get her to listen to me. I suppose the reason I don't explain my feelings is to avoid confrontation, but then not voicing my feelings only leads to more confrontation in the long run so I guess I have to just go for it. I keep going over what happened in my head, and wishing instead of just smiling I'd have told her I'd come over if I could or something. I know it's no good dwelling on what I could have done but it's so hard not to.

[Ronni_W]

I don't think she's immature as such, just very short tempered. ...not voicing my feelings only leads to more confrontation in the long run

Expressing a short temper IS a sign of under-developed communication skills. It's not that ALL of her is necessarily 'immature' (under-developed) but this part definitely is.

 

And 'fear of confrontation' is ALSO as sign of under-developed (immature) communication skills.

 

So, as LB pointed out, THAT is the more serious problem for which you each need to resolve your own particular issue, and learn more "mature" (more effective and productive) communication skills.

As you have so insightfully realized, your 'fear of confrontation' does not bring the outcomes that you really want (peace and calm.) And your fear will follow you and haunt ALL your relationships...not just romantic, and not just with this particular girl.

So yes, you may as well decide to learn a better way that will bring you better results...and sooner than later will just be better for you .

[Sweetcheripie]

You sound like such a nice person. This is one of those situations where little things can blow into big things but I think you are handling it well. Maybe write a cute little note to your girlfriend explaining just like you did here - that you thought you were following the rules, you love her etc.

 

We all have insecurities and they help blow things out of proportion. You are very much in love and maybe your girlfriend just needs to hear that. Her feelings got hurt, she thought you blew her off and she was embarrassed.

 

It is a miscommunication. I'm sure it will all work out fine and she will see how much you really care.

[Alex96]

I would write a note and I have done in the past but i know if she's still annoyed with me she'll shrug it off and say she doesn't care which will just make me feel hurt. I'm waiting for her to talk to me, at least for time being, and then I'll try and talk to her again. Then when it's resolved, next time we're together I'm going to voice my feelings and try and work out a better way of communicating.

[Alex96]

Well we broke up, she says im too submissive and she doesnt want to wear the trousers in the relationship. I think thats why she reacted so badly, because it was bottled up emotions. I think there might be a small chance we can get back together and work things out but I'm not holding my breath. Now I just have a constant sinking feeling right in my gut and a pressure on my chest that wont go away. I hope we can work it out, I wouldnt mind been more dominating, the only reason I'm not is because i've got so comfortable with her makin descisions in the what would have been 15 months today we've been together. It's not that I couldnt wear the trousers in the relationship, i just have never tried and so now it's gonna be harder for the dynamic to switch. I really love her and I want it to work. I know i'll be a wreck for months if we break up, im giving her space and we're meeting on tuesday. It's weird but it didnt feel real, and then i went on her myspace and her status was set to single, and i know it doesnt really make it real because of that but something about seeing it as single really shook me up and hurt me. I've never been hurting so bad mentally that i've been able to feel it physically before. I know most people have probably gone throught this and im not emplying my pain is worse or even equal to alot of peoples, but bloody hell it's hard to deal with.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I'm sorry about the break-up, Alex.

 

Take this time to make yourself comfortable with making your own decisions. Me and my H struggle with this; I'm a decisive person and I need to feel in control of my life, and it makes him feel like he's 'along for the ride', which makes him resentful, and then when he asserts himself, I'm all, "WTF?" and it's a vicious cycle.

 

You're heartbroken right now, but thankfully, you're young enough to recover. Between now and Tuesday, work on finding your big-boy pants, maybe even try them on and walk around in them for a while.

[Alex96]

My big boy pants lol, I think I can drag them out from the back of my wardrobe. I am comfortable with making my own desicions, it's just I'm quite a laid back person so I've never really tried to in this relationship. I tend to say, it's up to you, or what do you want to do. I just need to start saying my preferance, rather than letting her have hers. I just hope it's not too late and that I'll actualy get a chance to make some changes. I know I'm only young but I've been so sure that this relationship would work that if it doesnt i feel like I'll lose all faith in love. I know that sounds a bit dramatic but i dont think I could willingly put myself through this again. Ok, she just sent me a txt saying I really miss you, which sorta makes me happy because it reasures me that even though shes angry and stuff, that she still loves me, and is willing to sort of swallow her pride and txt me. I dont know whats going to happen, the only reason i let her make desicions is to make her happy, but in reality it's being doing the opposite.I'm not a naturally submissive person, but I think I love her so much that i turn into one when she asks for things. I guess im just gonna have to take control more often and stop myself putting the desicions to her.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I tend to say, it's up to you, or what do you want to do. I just need to start saying my preferance, rather than letting her have hers.

 

I just want to give you my perspective, from a woman's POV, about why I (perhaps others) find this tactic frustrating. It doesn't let us know you. I feel so deceived from when me and H got together to today. He was a real Yes man, going so far as to pretend to like the same things I liked, which he now regrets and resents. And I'm left feeling like I don't know him at all. Don't let yourself get stuck into a position that you'll later regret. I feel like he tricked me into loving him, which wasn't fair to either of us, or our children.

 

Just figure out who you are, and be that person. True love will follow, whether with this girl or someone else. Young love is tough, long love is tougher.

[Alex96]

Yeah that makes sense, I've never looked at it like that before.