I can't help but think she's cheating on me

[orangesean]

Well besides the argument, I would just end the relationship, this is not worth the heartache, and your age difference doesn't work too well.

 

I'd say she probably is cheating on you. Did she not give you any explanation for those two text messages? She ditched you for a guy friend last night then got back to you MUCH MUCH LATER. That's just disrespectful. You're being used as a doormat at the moment.

 

As far as everyone else trying to make it seem okay that a opposite sexes can hang out one on one and there be nothing there, it's foolish. Of course it always depends on the person and the situation, but to deny there are any implications is just silly. Why do you think a lot of guys avoid girls with tons of guy friends? They know it's just not worth it once you are in.

 

Some girls and guys are very capable of keeping their morals and situations strictly platonic with their opposite sex friends, but it is senseless to ignore your partners concerns that they may have with some of your opposite sex friends.

 

There's really just not better explanation on how this situation gets out of hand besides Biz Markie's Just a Friend:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLp4kFp5_is

[soconfused01]

OP, good for you! I'm glad you hear you all worked it out! she sounds like she really cares for you.

[Al_Bundy]

OP, good for you! I'm glad you hear you all worked it out! she sounds like she really cares for you.

 

Really? Question is, now that she knows he has a problem with her spending time alone with other men, is she going to stop?

 

Doubt it.

[sweet&simple]

Of course it makes no sense to you. You are the one doing it.

 

Cop out.

 

I don't understand how it's disrespectful to see a movie with a friend, go shopping, to go a concert/show.. just because they have a penis doesn't mean that I'm sitting on top of it. [: I stopped being friends with the girls in my area because they drank, slept around [and bragged about cheating on their boyfriends,] and really, aren't very nice people to associate with. But maybe hanging out with them is better in your mind haha.

[orangesean]

Cop out.

 

I don't understand how it's disrespectful to see a movie with a friend, go shopping, to go a concert/show.. just because they have a penis doesn't mean that I'm sitting on top of it. [: I stopped being friends with the girls in my area because they drank, slept around [and bragged about cheating on their boyfriends,] and really, aren't very nice people to associate with. But maybe hanging out with them is better in your mind haha.

 

I think out of a lot of women (and men), you are an exception. It's just as you said, you used to associate yourself with a lot of women who cheated on their boyfriends. I bet they cheated with "friends."

 

There are implications that arouse suspicion if you go out alone with an opposite sex friend to a concert of movies or whatever. Even if you aren't sitting on their penis and you never plan to. You may know you'll never cheat on someone but there are tons of people out there that attest than you can't ever *fully* trust your SO in these cases. Maybe some can, but how many threads do you see around here saying, "I've been with my wife/husband for 15 years and now they are having an affair." Wouldn't 15 years be enough to judge someone's character? Apparently not.

 

Obviously at one point I'm sure the cheating partner had said they'll never cheat. But sometimes situations can happen that jeopardize and I think a lot of couples tend to be more secure if either of them aren't spending tons of one-on-one time with the opposite sex. Separate guy/girl best friends from the husband/wife(or girlfriend/boyfriend) almost always cause a lot of trouble.

 

I'm not saying you do, but it's best to avoid these situations so you don't hurt your partner. The OP's girlfriend did wrong by choosing to not only hang out with her "guy friend" over him, but she ignored him in the process and only got back to him the next day. Something is really suspicious and I don't think it's as innocent as you want to make it. She's young though, so she may not understand.

[sweet&simple]

I think out of a lot of women (and men), you are an exception. It's just as you said, you used to associate yourself with a lot of women who cheated on their boyfriends. I bet they cheated with "friends."

 

There are implications that arouse suspicion if you go out alone with an opposite sex friend to a concert of movies or whatever. Even if you aren't sitting on their penis and you never plan to. You may know you'll never cheat on someone but there are tons of people out there that attest than you can't ever *fully* trust your SO in these cases. Maybe some can, but how many threads do you see around here saying, "I've been with my wife/husband for 15 years and now they are having an affair." Wouldn't 15 years be enough to judge someone's character? Apparently not.

 

Obviously at one point I'm sure the cheating partner had said they'll never cheat. But sometimes situations can happen that jeopardize and I think a lot of couples tend to be more secure if either of them aren't spending tons of one-on-one time with the opposite sex. Separate guy/girl best friends from the husband/wife(or girlfriend/boyfriend) almost always cause a lot of trouble.

 

I'm not saying you do, but it's best to avoid these situations so you don't hurt your partner. The OP's girlfriend did wrong by choosing to not only hang out with her "guy friend" over him, but she ignored him in the process and only got back to him the next day. Something is really suspicious and I don't think it's as innocent as you want to make it. She's young though, so she may not understand.

 

Oh, no, trust me.. I understand why people think if you're friends are guys you must be having sex with them or something.. but for real, that's totally not the case. They're dating people/in relationships and so am I. When we hang out it's usually in public setting and if it is one on one in private it's to put music on my ipod or watch a movie.. on different couches haha. It's never inappropriate, and I'm not dumb. If it were to get that way, I'd end the friendship.. not only because I have a boyfriend, but because I seriously get so awkward/uncomfortable in those kinds of situations.

 

I think it might also be different if my boyfriend didn't know these people, couldn't check up on me if he felt the need to do so, etc.. but he can at any time. Since my dad cheated on my mom, and I've been cheated on myself.. I know, hands down, I couldn't do it. That.. and I'm a really terrible liar. I just think it's fairly ignorant to say all people are disrespecting their SO because they have opposite sex friendships you know?

 

I have to agree that there's something going on.. I didn't think so at first, but the fact that she's not getting back to him right away and it seems like she's being sort of shady about it is probably bad news.

[Al_Bundy]

Cop out.

 

I don't understand how it's disrespectful to see a movie with a friend, go shopping, to go a concert/show.. just because they have a penis doesn't mean that I'm sitting on top of it. [: I stopped being friends with the girls in my area because they drank, slept around [and bragged about cheating on their boyfriends,] and really, aren't very nice people to associate with. But maybe hanging out with them is better in your mind haha.

 

Then I'd say you just had the wrong friends.

 

And if you feel the need to hang around so many men and spend time with them alone, maybe you shouldn't be committed to anyone else?

[sweet&simple]

Then I'd say you just had the wrong friends.

 

And if you feel the need to hang around so many men and spend time with them alone, maybe you shouldn't be committed to anyone else?

 

"So many men." I have 3 best friends, they're all male. Perhaps you should reread what I wrote.. I'm going to public places with these people.. not cuddling up to them in their beds.

 

So.. if I feel the need to see my friends I shouldn't be in a relationships?

 

And seriously.. it's a little hard to find girls my age that I have anything in common with. I don't like shopping. I don't like gossiping/plotting against other people. I don't drink or party. I don't hook up with random guys or jump relationship to relationship.

[Al_Bundy]

"So many men." I have 3 best friends, they're all male.

 

Thats 3 best male friends too many. And the fact that you consider 3 friends "best friends" and they are male would throw up a red flag to anyone.

 

 

Perhaps you should reread what I wrote.. I'm going to public places with these people.. not cuddling up to them in their beds.

 

so?

 

 

So.. if I feel the need to see my friends I shouldn't be in a relationships?

 

I have female friends, but would never hang out with them, at least alone. And most of the time, my partner will be with me.

 

 

 

And seriously.. it's a little hard to find girls my age that I have anything in common with.

 

And why is that? People of all ages find friends of the same sex all the time.

 

the fact that you gravitate toward men is fishy.

 

And just how old are you anyway?

[sweet&simple]

Hahaha, you're seriously ridiculous. You think my partner doesn't know these people? You think my partner doesn't hang out with us? Of course he does. Do I still hang out with them alone? Yes. Does anything inappropriate happen? No.

 

I've always gotten along better with guys.. how is that fishy? I'm not interested in sleeping with them.

 

I've had friends that are girls, and I still talk to a few of them and hang out with my brothers fiance, however.. it's hard to find girls who don't want to "party," at 21. I'm boring.

[immizunderstood]

I don't think your gf is cheating. She maybe immature but not cheating. She probably doesn't really realize the impact of her ways. She also may feel slightly happy that you are jealous and love her. But cheating NO!

 

I have at one time when I was young done stupid things like your gf and to be honest it never worked out for me in the end. YOU REALLY NEED TO TELL HER THE IMPACT IT'S HAVING ON YOUR RELATIONSHP. Because like one of the other post's your jealously is really giving her power.

 

Good Luck!

[SinCosTan]

I think Al Bundy here is just suffering from jealousy more than I am, and that immizunderstood is probably right on the money. She just hasn't realized the impact its been having on me emotionally.

 

Oh, and she didn't wait until the next day to call me. Check the timestamps of my posts again, and keep in mind I may have waited a little before making a post. I was posting at night when it was all happening.

[soconfused01]

Really? Question is, now that she knows he has a problem with her spending time alone with other men, is she going to stop?

 

Doubt it.

 

what century/country are you living in?

everyone has a right to be friends with the opposite sex. probably you've been burned and I'm sorry if you have, but don't go around telling OP that any unsupervised contact with the opposite sex means his girlfriend is trouble.

 

OP, i know people have made issues about age difference, and as someone who is in a relationship with someone who is 10 years older, I'd say that's cause for concern. but as the younger party, I can assure you that just because your girlfriend is 18 (i was 19 when I started dating my boyfriend) doesn't ipso facto mean she's looking to experiment. every person is different and wants something different. some people want to experiment at that age, some never see the appeal. I for one am glad you didn't let your age difference keep you from persuing someone you had interest in. You never know till you try right? age differences are to be wary of but more so is lack of communication, and OP you and your girl seem to have communicated well on this one. kudos and good luck

[4givrnt4gtr]

ok I dont understand something. From what AL is saying bassically as soon as u enter a relationship you must drop all your opposite sex friends ASAP or otherwise is disrespectful??? what?!

 

Uh...why?? Or is it that men should never have female friends? What century are you living in!!!

[Al_Bundy]

Hahaha, you're seriously ridiculous. You think my partner doesn't know these people?

 

I knew he did, you said he did.

 

 

You think my partner doesn't hang out with us?

 

Never said he didn't. I was telling you what I do. Your bouncing around now.

 

 

Of course he does. Do I still hang out with them alone? Yes. Does anything inappropriate happen? No.

 

There is always a point when something hasn't happened yet. Ever heard the phrase "thats how it starts"?

 

 

I've always gotten along better with guys.. how is that fishy?

 

It just is.

 

 

I'm not interested in sleeping with them.

 

Not yet.

[Al_Bundy]

what century/country are you living in?

everyone has a right to be friends with the opposite sex.

 

Sure, but if you know a significant other is bothered alot by it, then you have 2 choices.

 

Either continue to hang out with friends of the opposite sex and disrespect the feelings of your partner, or respect the feelings of your partner.

 

One has to decide which is more important. And if its the conclusion that the partner is being unreasonable and one has no intention of ceasing to hang out with opposite sex friends, then maybe they should dump them in favor of hanging out with friends.

 

its a choice.

 

 

probably you've been burned and I'm sorry if you have

 

No, I've never had the problem. I did have one girlfriend that did have a few male friends, and it didn't really bother me at the time because she didn't hang out with them alone. Once she did and messed around, confessed hoping I would forgive, then it was over. I wasn't mad at her, I just didn't want to be with her after that. No burning. I just moved on.

 

 

but don't go around telling OP that any unsupervised contact with the opposite sex means his girlfriend is trouble.

 

You have your opinion, I have mine, and I will state it. Not saying that she is absolutely trouble, but chances are greater.

 

if he doesn't want to listen, that is his choice.

[Al_Bundy]

ok I dont understand something. From what AL is saying bassically as soon as u enter a relationship you must drop all your opposite sex friends ASAP or otherwise is disrespectful??? what?!

 

No, that isn't what I'm saying. I have female friends, and I hang out with them, but only when my partner is with me. I don't hang out with them alone, much less just one of them alone.

[lamaman3]

The issue shouldnt be whether she is cheating on you or not - the issue is your own jealousy.

 

You are asking this on the wrong forum - guys here who have no lives, no sex partner, no idea how to create attraction with women and construct a relationship paradigm based on contracts and rules.

 

People get attracted to each other because the other person makes them feel good. They feel good hanging out with the other person and therefore want to do it again and again and they develop a level of rapport and closeness and comfort when they are with the other person. You would not get into a relationship with someone if they initially made you feel ****ty - why would you want to spend any more time with them.

 

Many relationships such as yours start out because 2 people get along great and make each other feel good, and then someones jealousy and controlling tendencies starts to make the other person feel ****ty - thats why you fear losing her.

 

There is no point in confessing "feelings" of jealousy - it just makes you look lower value than the other guy - shes the one who should be jealous of you. Women are attracted to succefull driven men who have better things to do than obsess about than whether an 18 year old might be doing something with some guy she smokes weed with.

 

Put the situation in reverse - If you had a close female friend and suddenly your girlfriend said you werent allowed to go meet her - would that make you feel good or ****ty? People like Al Bundy who say they would do anything their girlfriend asks dont understand because they probably have zero female friends or girlfriends. They are looking for a replacement mommy - who will obsess about you and put you above everything else in their lives - including dropping all their friends and changing their lives. And if they dont (which any HEALTHY person wouldnt) - they will accuse the girl of "not loving them enough" - Not realizing that what they are doing is called EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL and they themselves would never subject "someone they love" to such accusations, controlling, and emotional blackmail. Imagine if a woman you were dating stopped showering and brushing her teeth, gained 200 lbs, and started drinking alcohol - and then she said that if you LOVED her you wouldnt have a problem with this. Its the equivalent of telling her that you are jealous, insecure, and she shouldnt have male friends, and then telling her that she must accept all this about you if she really LOVED you.

 

They guy smoking weed is irrelevant. All these people (including you) dissecting what she said, the hours she does xyz, her tone here blah blah and if that "proves" whether or not she is cheating are wasting your time. You dont know if she is cheating or cheated, nor will you ever know for certain whether anyone is cheating on you. A woman could have sex with almost any man and so could cheat on you any time of the day on any day she wants and you would never know. Sitting and worrying about it (in the absense of major disrespect or signs on her part) is pointless and all it does is paint you as an insecure male which is the worst kind of turn-off for a woman. If you were your girlfriend - would you rather be with a man who was focussed on his own projects, improving his own life, having a great time and making you smile - or a guy that constantly makes the mood sour by telling you he is worried you might be cheating on him with one of your friends?

 

If any of this rings true to you send me an email at [email protected] - and I can give you a link to a forum where men will give you advice about how to have an explosively pleasurable relationship and blow your girlfriends mind instead of a forum where insecure men criticize your girlfriend and dissect whether or not her she may have cheated on you and someone expect that this route wont end up with you sitting alone heartbroken in your room while your girlfriend decides to finally actually sleep with a guy who she can feel comfortable and have fun with. At least youll be "vindicated" and can sit on LS and rail against other peoples girlfriends who have male friends.

[Al_Bundy]

The issue shouldnt be whether she is cheating on you or not - the issue is your own jealousy.

 

You are asking this on the wrong forum - guys here who have no lives, no sex partner, no idea how to create attraction with women and construct a relationship paradigm based on contracts and rules.

 

Tell that to my girlfriend.

 

 

There is no point in confessing "feelings" of jealousy - it just makes you look lower value than the other guy - shes the one who should be jealous of you.

 

Then other women will look better to him than her. Is jealousy good, bad, or only applies to one sex here?

 

 

Women are attracted to succefull driven men who have better things to do than obsess about than whether an 18 year old might be doing something with some guy she smokes weed with.

 

I sort of agree here. he shouldn't even bother with such a person that way he won't have to worry about it.

 

 

 

Put the situation in reverse - If you had a close female friend and suddenly your girlfriend said you werent allowed to go meet her - would that make you feel good or ****ty? People like Al Bundy who say they would do anything their girlfriend asks dont understand because they probably have zero female friends or girlfriends.

 

I guess you didn't read what I said. I have female friends, just none that I "hang out" with. And if I do, my gf is around.

 

Meeting friends, female, male, whatever, say for drinks after work and whatnot, no problem in my opinion.

 

Spending time alone with one of them at their apartment, sorry, I see it as inappropriate.

 

But I tell you what, apparantly everyone here thinks I'm wrong.

 

So to you the OP, my advice would be let her do whatever her heart desires and keep your feelings on the backburner. Apparantly they are silly little feelings you have anyway.

 

Then start spending time with some other girl alone and enjoy yourself!!!

 

She can spend time alone with another man at his apartment, then you can do the same.

Its all good, right??

[lamaman3]

Al - Believe it or not, I dont think me and you have a fundamental disagreement.

 

Al - You have your standards that you expect out of a girlfriend, and someone that dosent meet those standards dosent get to be your girlfriend, simple as that. Apparently youve now found a girl that meets those standards and you are happy and that is great. The fact is that most of the women I know would be incredibly turned off by a man telling them they shouldnt hang out with a guy friend without a chaperone is irrelevant to you but I believe it is relevant to the OP because he clearly has some sort of internal conflict over this.

 

The problem with the OP, and the difference between him and you is that he has an 18 year old girlfriend who enjoys smoking weed with her guy friend and believes that by confessing his feelings of jealousy and continuously bringing up this issue somehow the situation will magically resolve and his girlfriend will simply coddle his feelings and "understand where hes coming from" and change her behavior.

 

Now you tell him that what she is doing is innapropriate and he should dump her. I personally dont believe its inappropriate and the OP obviously dosent know what to believe. He feels internal feelings of jealousy but dosent know if they are warranted or not. Im here to give him a dose of reality. He can decide to be like you - and think this is innappropriate and dump his girlfriend - in which case he cant then cry or feel bad that he is alone and his girlfriend will hang out with a guy who is less jugemental and more accepting of her - or he can decide he dosent want to give up his relationship over this issue and in which case he better put it to rest. What hes doing now is the worst of all possible worlds - not wanting to lose his girlfriend but at the same time letting the issue bother him, and having others tell him its inappropraite and confessing feelings of jealousy which will lead him to lose his girlfriend. Relationships arent easy - Not everyone is compatible - the OP can decide whether he wants to get over his jealousy and be compatible with a much larger section of the female sex who view this sort of jealousy as insecurity and a negative thing - or he could decide that he is unwilling to do that and will spend a larger part of his time alone until he finds (probably a less socially calibrated girl) who wont hang out with male friends without someone else.

 

What I am telling him he should not do - is not use his logic or brains and simply base his actions on his emotions - emotionally blackmail her into changing herself or dropping her friends/weed smoking - and then resent her if she dosent. Because if he does do this - the issue will resolve itself quickly anyways (him getting dumped). So he should at least use his brain now and resolve the issue that way.

[AAlike]

 

I guess you didn't read what I said. I have female friends, just none that I "hang out" with. And if I do, my gf is around.

 

Meeting friends, female, male, whatever, say for drinks after work and whatnot, no problem in my opinion.

 

Spending time alone with one of them at their apartment, sorry, I see it as inappropriate.

 

But I tell you what, apparantly everyone here thinks I'm wrong.

 

So to you the OP, my advice would be let her do whatever her heart desires and keep your feelings on the backburner. Apparantly they are silly little feelings you have anyway.

 

Then start spending time with some other girl alone and enjoy yourself!!!

 

She can spend time alone with another man at his apartment, then you can do the same.

Its all good, right??

 

I think that a lot of this is a context issue, really.

 

I mean, OP, your girl is 18...is she in college? I mean, are we talking about her going over to someone's dorm room and hanging out and listening to music after class?

[Al_Bundy]

Al - Believe it or not, I dont think me and you have a fundamental disagreement.

 

Al - You have your standards that you expect out of a girlfriend, and someone that dosent meet those standards dosent get to be your girlfriend, simple as that. Apparently youve now found a girl that meets those standards and you are happy and that is great.

 

Yes, she thinks exactly like me. She is in agreement too with regards to spending alone time with the opposite sex.

 

 

What I am telling him he should not do - is not use his logic or brains and simply base his actions on his emotions - emotionally blackmail her into changing herself or dropping her friends/weed smoking - and then resent her if she dosent. Because if he does do this - the issue will resolve itself quickly anyways (him getting dumped). So he should at least use his brain now and resolve the issue that way.

 

Like I said, apparantly, by the other posters here, I am wrong.

 

So again, to the OP, go hang out with your female friends. hang out with them alone. Whats good for her is good for you.

 

And if you don't have any female friends, get some. Take control and enjoy yourself with other women the way she does with other men.

 

Chances are the double standard will come through and she will get mad at you for hanging around another woman alone, but hey, if thats the case, so be it.

[AAlike]

Relationships arent easy - Not everyone is compatible - the OP can decide whether he wants to get over his jealousy and be compatible with a much larger section of the female sex who view this sort of jealousy as insecurity and a negative thing - or he could decide that he is unwilling to do that and will spend a larger part of his time alone until he finds (probably a less socially calibrated girl) who wont hang out with male friends without someone else.

 

 

This was a very, very quality post lamaman. I think that you really hit the nail on the head here! any speculation of whether she is going to cheat is really irreleveant here...none of us know her.

 

Here's my question - is it really possible for a 26-year old and an 18-year old to be compatible in that sense? I think that the age difference has been largely ignored in this discussion. If she were also 26, I'd say WTF is she doing and that, as you pointed out, there is a social incompatibility that is going to manifest itself in plenty of other ways. but the fact that she's 18 changes everything.

[AAlike]

Like I said, apparantly, by the other posters here, I am wrong.

 

 

I don't think that anyone thinks that you are "wrong" - and really, there is no clear-cut "right or wrong" when it comes to hanging out with members of the opposite sex...it's not fundamentally bad or good...it depends on the intentions of the GF when doing so and how it's perceived by both parties in the relationship. In your relationship, neither you nor your girlfriend would be comfortable hanging out with members of the opposite sex without the other one...therefore, it is wrong within the confines of your relationship, as it should be. no problem there. I don't think anyone here has an issue with you personally not being comfortable with it. I think that the only thing that people were challenging about what you've said was that your earlier posts seemed to imply that EVERYONE who hangs out with members of the opposite sex is doing so with ill intent - and yes, I think that's a fairly ridiculous statement to make, just as a statement that it's always harmless would be a ridiculous statement. it's all situational.

 

me personally, my GF hangs out with a guy friend quite a bit, and it certainly doesn't bother me. but it's because I know the guy and am also cool with him (i've also hung out with him without her, and I certainly don't see him "putting the moves on her" nor she him), and honestly sometimes it's a relief for me so that I don't have to either drag her with me or feel guilty about her sitting home alone when I go play poker or go bowling or other "guy" things that she wouldn't be that into. I think that it's important to maintain social outlets outside of coupledom.

 

However, just because I'm comfortable with that particular guy and situation doesn't mean that I'd be comfortable with all situations like that. If my GF wanted to go get stoned with some dude on a semi-regular basis, it would bother me...but not because I thought she was going to cheat on me, but rather because it would be indicative that we were in two very different phases of our lives.

[bhweller]

If he is being excluded from being there with them then I don't see how it could be a good thing. If he is her pal why can't he just drop by and watch tv or play video games with both of them ?

 

Then you have her age, then the weed, yadda yadda.....