I can't help but think she's cheating on me

[SinCosTan]

I've been dating my current girlfriend for about 6 months now, and starting about a month ago, she started hanging out with one of her other guy friends that she's known for years but never really saw much. I can't help but feel jealous, and more and more, I keep thinking she's cheating on me with him.

 

But I have no real evidence of it. If she actually is cheating on me, she's doing a good job of acting normal. She will freely admit when she's made plans to hang out with him; she doesn't sneak around. She'll gladly say "I love you" to me and kiss me in front of him, and he doesn't react oddly to it or anything.

 

I mean, really the only suspicious thing she does is hang out with him from time to time, but that's most likely because they both smoke weed and I don't, so if she's just with me, she probably feels a bit odd smoking while I just sit around.

 

Its really starting to bother me though that I feel like I can't trust her, but she really hasn't given me any reason to not trust her. I'm worried that my paranoid jealousy is going to destroy what is otherwise a great relationship.

 

In my life, I've been all three parts of the cheating triangle at some point or another: The cheater, the cheated, and the person being cheated on with. My experiences with it have taught me that cheating creates a lot of heart ache and it really isn't worth it. However, it has now made me so afraid of having my heart broken by cheating that I'm paranoid and jealous.

 

I've talked to her about it. While I haven't accused her of cheating on me, I have said that I'm having some bad jealousy issues about it, but I don't want to be the ******* boyfriend who tries to control her and tell her who she can and can't hang out with. She just responded telling me I shouldn't feel jealous, and assured me that she loves me and wouldn't cheat on me.

 

Any advice?

[sweet&simple]

Hmmm.. this could go either way.. either she is cheating on you and is trying to make you believe they're just friends, or they're actually just friends. I'd say that her kissing you in front of him/having you meet him/whatever might mean she's not.. most people who cheat don't want their SO to know about, and putting you right there struck me as kind of odd.

 

There isn't much you can do now.. which I'm sure isn't what you wanted to hear, hah. You've voiced your concerns and you're right, you can't tell her who to hang out with and who not to hang out with. Just be alert about the situation. If strange things start to happen and you begin to feel uncomfortable, talk with her about it.

[NewKid99]

Red flag # 1, she smokes weed. No class man. Not sure how old you guys are.

 

I'm gonna give you something to think about.

 

Put aside all the heartbreak stuff. Lets face it, when you open yourself up to someone, no matter what happens, you all COULD endure some sort of pain. Thats life man.

 

Now, the whole cheating thing. My advice. Don't mention ANYTHING about it until you have concrete evidence she is cheating. Don't you see your giving her power by telling her you feel jealous.

 

Who knows if she is cheating. Its on her man and her character. She has to sleep with that burden at night. If she dosent, well then you know you have a girl who is a poor companion for you.

 

Im not saying be blind to the fact. Just be alert and don't say anything until you know for sure. If you know for sure, walk away ASAP.

[Bryanp]

I am not knowlegeable about this but dosen't smoking weed increase the desire for sex when it is just the two of them together. Do they just go to his place, get high and

talk about world affairs? I think it is a bad sign that she needs to get high with another guy.

[SinCosTan]

Red flag # 1, she smokes weed. No class man. Not sure how old you guys are.

 

She's 18. I'm 26. I really don't think anything of smoking weed.

 

Now, the whole cheating thing. My advice. Don't mention ANYTHING about it until you have concrete evidence she is cheating. Don't you see your giving her power by telling her you feel jealous.

 

Well I've already told her I feel jealous, but I wasn't planning on outright accusing her of cheating, or even asking about it, unless I had some solid evidence.

 

I am not knowlegeable about this but dosen't smoking weed increase the desire for sex when it is just the two of them together. Do they just go to his place, get high and

talk about world affairs? I think it is a bad sign that she needs to get high with another guy.

 

You're confusing weed with alcohol. Weed CAN increase libido in some people, but it doesn't hinder your judgement, so if she wouldn't have sex with him sober, its unlikely she'll have sex with him high. Talking about world affairs, certainly not. But they just chit-chat about work, school, etc.

[Caitlan]

Inhibitions get lowered = bad judgement.

 

She sounds like a woman that has male friends.... its tough because people think men and woman can't be friends without it becoming sexual. What happens alot is one is a friend and the other wants more....Whatever you do, don't act like a jealous guy... and get freaked out as you could ruin something that is perfectly innocent between the two of them. It's tough because you simply don't know.... why don't you hang out with them when you can and change the dynamics a bit and see how they are with each other. Maybe it will ease your mind.

[SinCosTan]

She sounds like a woman that has male friends.... its tough because people think men and woman can't be friends without it becoming sexual.

 

Well unfortunately I'm a slight believer in Ladder Theory, so I can't help but think that he definitely wants to have sex with her. However, on the flip side, she probably has him on the "friends" ladder so its not an issue.

 

Whatever you do, don't act like a jealous guy...

 

I'm trying my damnedest not to. I'm doing a good job at it, if I say so myself. I don't bring it up when she says she's with him or is planning on being with him. It just eats at me when I'm not with her.

 

...and get freaked out as you could ruin something that is perfectly innocent between the two of them.

 

I doubt I'd ruin anything between them. I'm more worried about ruining what's between *us*.

 

It's tough because you simply don't know.... why don't you hang out with them when you can and change the dynamics a bit and see how they are with each other. Maybe it will ease your mind.

 

I got my mind eased a lot tonight when she drove way out of her way just to see me for 5 minutes before I went to bed. As for hanging out with them, I've never really been there while he's there, and she knows that I feel jealous, but I don't yet appear like I'm suspicious, and I don't want to look that way. So, I'm unsure how to invite myself to be with her while she's with him without looking like I don't trust her.

[Bryanp]

I am just curious but I wonder how she would be feeling if you had to always hang out with a female friend (who wanted something more from you) to get high with? In addition say you told her that you just like to go over to her place to get high and talk about the events of your day and just kick back and relax. I bet that she would have an entirely different view of this situation. The bottom line is that I doubt that most men would be so accepting of a girlfriend that needs to hang out with another guy at his place to get high with and talk about the events of the day. I am sorry but it sounds disrespectful to the person you are in a relationship with and possible trouble in the long run. This is just my opinion.

[NewKid99]

I am sorry but it sounds disrespectful to the person you are in a relationship with and possible trouble in the long run. This is just my opinion.

 

Yeah man, No hard feelings but your 26.. I don't know too many 26 yr olds that hang with other guys to get high and smoke weed (at 18 you can expect this nonsense). I know you love her bro, but lets face the music here. Maybe it's time to reflect what you gotta do here in the long run.

[Al_Bundy]

I've been dating my current girlfriend for about 6 months now, and starting about a month ago, she started hanging out with one of her other guy friends that she's known for years but never really saw much. I can't help but feel jealous, and more and more, I keep thinking she's cheating on me with him.

 

But I have no real evidence of it. If she actually is cheating on me, she's doing a good job of acting normal. She will freely admit when she's made plans to hang out with him; she doesn't sneak around. She'll gladly say "I love you" to me and kiss me in front of him, and he doesn't react oddly to it or anything.

 

I mean, really the only suspicious thing she does is hang out with him from time to time, but that's most likely because they both smoke weed and I don't, so if she's just with me, she probably feels a bit odd smoking while I just sit around.

 

 

Any gf/bf with a few or many friends of the opposite sex that they hang out with, especially one on one with, is nothing but trouble. All those guys can fulfill the same needs as you can.

 

She is keeping her options open. So reduce her choices and remove yourself from the equation.

 

Find someone worthy of your efforts and affections.

[AAlike]

I don't think that the problem is really the fact that she's going to cheat on you...I think that the real problem is that you are probably well past a stage in your life that she is just beginning. If you want someone that's not going to hang out and get high with other dudes, don't date an 18-year old.

[soconfused01]

sounds like you have nothing to worry about. your girlfriend seems to be doing everything she can to make you feel comfortable without giving up her independence. in a healthy relationship, she shouldn't have to. it is not disrespectful as some have suggested, for her to have male friends. I smoke weed and I can tell you it doesn't make you want to have sex with anyone you don't already want to have sex with. I agree with the suggestion to hang out with both of them, and you don't have to do it while they're smoking. try inviting him out with you and your girlfriend and maybe some of your friends. focus on getting to know this guy and maybe you'll gain a friend.

[sweet&simple]

Any gf/bf with a few or many friends of the opposite sex that they hang out with, especially one on one with, is nothing but trouble. All those guys can fulfill the same needs as you can.

 

She is keeping her options open. So reduce her choices and remove yourself from the equation.

 

Find someone worthy of your efforts and affections.

 

I would definitely say that's not true.

 

I have a lot of guy friends.. and we hang out one on one, never have inappropriate conversations or flirting, and they can't fulfill the "same needs," my boyfriend can.. or I'd be dating them.

[Al_Bundy]

I would definitely say that's not true.

 

I have a lot of guy friends.. and we hang out one on one, never have inappropriate conversations or flirting, and they can't fulfill the "same needs," my boyfriend can.. or I'd be dating them.

 

uh huh:rolleyes:

[sweet&simple]

uh huh:rolleyes:

 

Hey, think what you want.. I've never cheated on anyone [:

[radhi]

Two ways:

she is cheating

You THINK she's cheating.

 

In practical sense.. big difference

However.. emotionally NO difference. Once the doubt is there..... End it.

You need to feel secure.

 

HOWEVER..... if you feel you can trust her and you discussed your feelings with her.

See if yo can improve it from there. If you feel it doesn't work... again, END it.

[radhi]

funny you say that. sigh

[XNemesisX]

Yeah man, No hard feelings but your 26.. I don't know too many 26 yr olds that hang with other guys to get high and smoke weed (at 18 you can expect this nonsense). I know you love her bro, but lets face the music here. Maybe it's time to reflect what you gotta do here in the long run.

 

I agree.

 

Although smoking weed is not going to cause inhibitions to be lowered too much, and won't cause a heightened sex drive, I think it signals some immaturity. At 18, this can be expected. However, at your age would you not be ready for a more mature and serious relationship? There is a big difference between an 18 year old and a 26 year old. I wouldn't expect this relationship to last anyway based on this information alone.

 

I would recommend moving on. Not only because she likes to go smoke weed with another guy, but also because at her age she is going to be wanting to do some more experimenting and you will probably eventually get kicked to the curb anyway when you get in the way of her freedom. Especially if she is a senior in high school or freshman in college! Forget about it! Totally different stage of life compared to where you're at!

[SinCosTan]

Two ways:

she is cheating

You THINK she's cheating.

 

In practical sense.. big difference

However.. emotionally NO difference. Once the doubt is there..... End it.

You need to feel secure.

 

I don't want to end it simply because I'm feeling insecure. Like I said before, I don't want my jealousy to ruin an otherwise great relationship.

 

HOWEVER..... if you feel you can trust her and you discussed your feelings with her.

See if yo can improve it from there. If you feel it doesn't work... again, END it.

 

I was talking to an ex-girlfriend (who I remained good friends with) tonight and I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I pretty much need to bring up this issue more with her. A simple "I feel jealous" isn't enough.

 

To make it all worse, today we both had bad days at work. I really wanted to be with her tonight. Have a drink or something to calm the nerves. But I got off at 5 and she got off at 8. After work, I did some grocery shopping and went home to wait for her to tell me when she got off. But when that time came, called and told me was going to go hang out with that other guy. I was rather upset about this, but didn't say anything because again, I don't want to be the controlling boyfriend, but I did tell her that I really wanted to see her after work. About half an hour later, I sent her a text saying "You know I have jealousy issues. The fact that you're hanging out with [Mike] instead of me after a ****ty day at work doesn't make me feel any better." Its been an hour since that text and no response. (Side note: She's really into texting so the fact that I texted her this instead of calling her directly to talk won't really make a difference to her) I just send another text "I feel sick. I might be going to bed soon." just to see if she even reponds. I normally go to bed some time between 12:30 and 1 AM. Its currently 10 PM. This is very abnormal for me, so I'm REALLY hoping I get a response.

 

Right now, I feel totally sick to my stomach, and while I was talking with my ex-gf over IM getting advice, I suddenly started crying at my computer hard. I mean, in a very sudden flash, not even in response to anything my ex said over IM, my thoughts went from "I think she might be cheating on me" to "I believe she's cheating on me."

 

This is a stress I can't deal with. I'm really considering ending it. I know I said in this thread at least 3 times now that I don't want jealousy to destroy the relationship, if she's going out of her way to suspicious things, it just really doesn't bode well at all.

 

As for the age differences, while I won't argue that you're wrong, and our relationship probably was doomed from the start, I'd never have imagined it ending like this, not from infidelity issues - whether real or imagined.

 

Well, its been 10 minutes since I sent the message that I'm feeling sick. I don't want to go to bed because I know I'll just bawl my eyes out and make a futile attempt at trying to sleep on a pillow soaked in tears.

[SinCosTan]

Well she finally called me (while yes, I could have called her at any time, I felt that the fact that she wasn't calling me was evidence against her) and we talked...

 

Tonight, apparently she had already planned on hanging out with him. She had just forgotten to tell me in all the craziness of today.

 

There were a couple suspicious things she's done lately involving hanging out with him, but her explanations for them are perfectly sound, really. The reasons for never really inviting me to be with them are twofold:

 

First, she thought we hated each other. He used to work with me, but had issues showing up for shifts due to his work schedule conflicting with his school schedule, and he'd never tell anybody about the conflict. He'd just skip his shift or show up late or leave early. I eventually got him fired. Now he might hate me for that, but I'm not holding a grudge against him. I don't really care anymore. That was months ago.

 

Secondly, they usually just smoke weed together and chat. She thought that'd I'd just be bored since I'm a non-smoker. She bases this on the fact that sometimes we'd go to one of her female friends's house, and I'd just sit around watching TV while they smoked and chatted.

 

That of course brings me to my next point, concerning the amount of time they spend together. Really, she spends a lot of time with all of her friends one-on-one. This one just happens to be the only one that is male (Except for me, of course).

 

Then the last point that she made...she's known this guy for more than 5 years. If she was going to do something with him, she'd have done it by now. He even dated her sister for awhile, and according to her sister, he has a small penis.

 

I told her that I felt a lot better, and I apologized for telling her I didn't trust her, but then added that I will probably always have a tinge of jealousy, but if she were to let me be around while she was with him, it would really help me a lot. She said that was OK.

 

A few minutes after I got off the phone, I got a text from her saying "I don't want you to not trust me or feel like you can't trust me. I love you so much and I want you to know I would never hurt you. I love you, [sinCosTan]! No one else! xo." It brought a tear of happiness in my eye. I responded with "Thank you. That really means a lot to me. I love you so much."

 

I'm definitely feeling a lot better, and I no longer think she's cheating on me. I can't wait to see her tomorrow.

[Al_Bundy]

Hey, think what you want.. I've never cheated on anyone [:

 

Neither have I, but I'm not going to disrespect a partner of mine by hanging out with the opposite sex alone.

[Al_Bundy]

I don't want to end it simply because I'm feeling insecure. Like I said before, I don't want my jealousy to ruin an otherwise great relationship.

 

 

I don't see being with a gf that goes off and hangs with other guys alone and smokes pot with them as a great relationship.

[Al_Bundy]

That of course brings me to my next point, concerning the amount of time they spend together. Really, she spends a lot of time with all of her friends one-on-one. This one just happens to be the only one that is male (Except for me, of course).

 

Then the last point that she made...she's known this guy for more than 5 years. If she was going to do something with him, she'd have done it by now.

 

Oh she's good, she's real good!!

 

 

He even dated her sister for awhile, and according to her sister, he has a small penis.

 

So if he had a big penis, then it would be a different story??

 

 

 

I told her that I felt a lot better, and I apologized for telling her I didn't trust her, but then added that I will probably always have a tinge of jealousy, but if she were to let me be around while she was with him, it would really help me a lot. She said that was OK.

 

A few minutes after I got off the phone, I got a text from her saying "I don't want you to not trust me or feel like you can't trust me. I love you so much and I want you to know I would never hurt you.

 

Then maybe she needs to spend less time with other guys and more time with you.

 

 

I'm definitely feeling a lot better, and I no longer think she's cheating on me. I can't wait to see her tomorrow.

 

*sigh* I know you really want to believe all that, but she is playing you like a fiddle.

 

let me ask you this, since you brought up this concern, did she mention not hanging with them any longer? Or at least rarely??

 

If a partner of mine was upset that I was hanging out with other women alone(which wouldn't happen), if I loved her, it would stop.

 

But my man, if you have to do things your way, then good luck with that. I hope you can handle her partying with her male friends alone, cuz I doubt she is gonna stop for you.

[sweet&simple]

Neither have I, but I'm not going to disrespect a partner of mine by hanging out with the opposite sex alone.

 

How is that disrespectful? That makes no sense.

[Al_Bundy]

How is that disrespectful? That makes no sense.

 

Of course it makes no sense to you. You are the one doing it.