Really Hurting Bad

[ReallyHurtingBad]

Well I really do not know where else to turn, so after reading so many post, I thought what else do I have to lose. Sorry in advance but it's a long story.

 

I've been married for nearly eleven years and have been together with her for a total of fifteen years, and we have three beautiful children together. She was the love of my life, my best friend, and the woman I wanted to grow old with. I'm 36 years old and she is 32. And despite the average arguments that couples have, I thought our relationship was better than most people I know, that's why it just does not make any sense.

 

I found out by accident May 07, 2008, that she was having an internet affair. She had forgotten to log off her account to answer the phone in the other room, and when I went to log off for her I noticed that she had an email page minimized, when I enlarged it, it was an email account that I did not know she had. And when I read the email' I nearly fell to the floor. They were emailing each other, about sexual things that stunned me.

 

I was unable to hold it in and confronted her with it within seconds of reading it. It was not a pretty sight. I asked who it was and how long it was going on, and she told me, it was just someone she met on the internet who she never met in person, she said she had been checking out just for fun, an adult dating site that everybody had been talking about at some barbeque last summer and that it had been going on for nearly a year. But it was only for fun and that she only did it because her self esteem was very low because she had gained weight over the years, and that for some reason she could not explain, doing so gave her more confidence, particularly in the bedroom.

 

I lost it and told her that I did not want to see her anymore and that I wanted a separation, she went and stayed at her parents house a few blocks away for a few days, and we made up a reason for the kids for why she was there. After about three days apart and lots of thinking and discussions about it I decided that since it was only an email affair with an unknown faceless person and nothing physical had happened, then I should give our marriage another chance.

 

But some of her explanations gnawed at me, and just did not sit right. The part that got to me was this guy's email handle, I knew from it that he was local. I brought it up a few times because I read in one of his emails that he wanted her to call him at work,but she said that they never spoke on the phone. It consumed my thoughts and I needed to know who this guy was, so I checked out many adult dating sites for his handle, but no luck, until the last week of august I read his handle in an adult forum. So I set my plan into motion, I created an account and made an add, describing myself as a married woman looking for a man, I even posted a picture. Then I contacted him, and sure enough he swallowed the bait about 2 weeks later he sent me an email describing himself right down to where he worked, and that's when I knew who he was and about 20 seconds after reading it I vomited. It was my older brother.

 

I still do not know how I got through that day, I found out at 9:37 am, Friday, September 19, 2008 and did not confront her till I got back home from work at 6:15 pm. She confessed that it was him when I had the proof staring her in the eye, but it was him that initiated it, but it never ever turned physical. We jumped in my truck and dropped off the kids at my in-laws, then drove to my brothers to confront him. Once there I stepped out of the truck and he walked towards me that's when I hit him, but he's a fast little bugger and he ended up getting away. But being as arrogant as he is, he denied it.

 

To finally cut to the chase, I told her that we were over and that I wanted a divorce, and it shocked her that when we picked up the kids, I told them that Mommy and Daddy were not getting along and that we were planning on getting a divorce. If anybody here would know me, they would know that I love my kids more then life itself and telling them this was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, so I tried as best as anyone could possibly do, in being as sensitive as possible while telling them. It actually surprises me at how well they are adjusting, my wife and I have been apart since that day, we sighned the separation papers, and both agreed on joint custody.She also agreed to every condition I proposed, without question, and never proposed any condition of her own.

 

She says that she Loves me, and that she is sorry, and that it was the biggest mistake of her life, but she swears on all that is good in the world that it never was physical. She takes all responsibility, and that she deserves losing me for what she has done. But now that her world is empty she has had time to search for answers to why she would do such a stupid thing that meant nothing to her or him, but ended up costing her everything. She says that at the time she never considered saying things in emails to be cheating, it was just talk, because there was no urge to ever do anything physical, atleast on her part, because she was never physicaly attracted to him and in person she truly did not like his arrogance.

 

She found herself an appartement and will be moving in on the 15th of October. I've known her for so long, and can see it in her eyes that she does regret what she has done, and she knows what she lost, she also says that she has seen and now understands all the mistakes that she has made, and that she has grown, and learned from it. And says if only I would give her another chance, she would prove how much she loves me and is dedicated 100% to our relationship. But here is the thing, I think my love for her is completely gone, and I'm not sure if I could get it back if I tried. It might just be hidden behind my anger and hurt feelings, but I don't know.

 

She says that she will wait for me, no matter how long it takes, because she now realizes that everything that she ever wanted, she already had in me, but now that she lost it, she can see it. She also tells me that if I need time to get over my anger and hurt feelings or to go out and do whatever with as many women as I want so I can realize that we were truly meant for each other and that what she did was just a huge mistake then she is okay with that also. And if after that I do not decide to give her another chance than she hopes that we can still be friends.

 

Like I said in the begining I am so confused, my days have been a blur, I try an be strong for the kids, I play and laugh with them just like before,and tell them that things will get better but when there not around I sometimes fall apart, and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. Also, any advice would be more than appreciated.

[J2FT1]

First, I'd like to say that your post sounds fake. But if not...

 

First, if she knew the guy was your brother and she still did it, she's screwed up.

 

Secondly, who thinks having internet sex is fine when you're married? With your brother?!

 

I think she's just sorry that she was caught.

[troubadour]

I wouldn't like to sound too harsh but I doubt it was just internet sex. It is time to talk to divorce lawyer. I am rather peaceful person by nature but for something like this I would bit s... out of the brother too.

[taylor]

What kind of advice are you looking for?

 

You made the decision to divorce your wife and informed your children of this decision. I am sure this news devastated them as much as the news of your wife's affair devastated you.

 

You and your children have alot to adjust to. Maybe you should be posting in the Separation and Divorce forum. You can get tips there on how you and your children can cope.

[Sysyphus28]

Well I really do not know where else to turn, so after reading so many post, I thought what else do I have to lose. Sorry in advance but it's a long story.

 

I've been married for nearly eleven years and have been together with her for a total of fifteen years, and we have three beautiful children together. She was the love of my life, my best friend, and the woman I wanted to grow old with. I'm 36 years old and she is 32. And despite the average arguments that couples have, I thought our relationship was better than most people I know, that's why it just does not make any sense.

 

I found out by accident May 07, 2008, that she was having an internet affair. She had forgotten to log off her account to answer the phone in the other room, and when I went to log off for her I noticed that she had an email page minimized, when I enlarged it, it was an email account that I did not know she had. And when I read the email' I nearly fell to the floor. They were emailing each other, about sexual things that stunned me.

 

I was unable to hold it in and confronted her with it within seconds of reading it. It was not a pretty sight. I asked who it was and how long it was going on, and she told me, it was just someone she met on the internet who she never met in person, she said she had been checking out just for fun, an adult dating site that everybody had been talking about at some barbeque last summer and that it had been going on for nearly a year. But it was only for fun and that she only did it because her self esteem was very low because she had gained weight over the years, and that for some reason she could not explain, doing so gave her more confidence, particularly in the bedroom.

 

I lost it and told her that I did not want to see her anymore and that I wanted a separation, she went and stayed at her parents house a few blocks away for a few days, and we made up a reason for the kids for why she was there. After about three days apart and lots of thinking and discussions about it I decided that since it was only an email affair with an unknown faceless person and nothing physical had happened, then I should give our marriage another chance.

 

But some of her explanations gnawed at me, and just did not sit right. The part that got to me was this guy's email handle, I knew from it that he was local. I brought it up a few times because I read in one of his emails that he wanted her to call him at work,but she said that they never spoke on the phone. It consumed my thoughts and I needed to know who this guy was, so I checked out many adult dating sites for his handle, but no luck, until the last week of august I read his handle in an adult forum. So I set my plan into motion, I created an account and made an add, describing myself as a married woman looking for a man, I even posted a picture. Then I contacted him, and sure enough he swallowed the bait about 2 weeks later he sent me an email describing himself right down to where he worked, and that's when I knew who he was and about 20 seconds after reading it I vomited. It was my older brother.

 

I still do not know how I got through that day, I found out at 9:37 am, Friday, September 19, 2008 and did not confront her till I got back home from work at 6:15 pm. She confessed that it was him when I had the proof staring her in the eye, but it was him that initiated it, but it never ever turned physical. We jumped in my truck and dropped off the kids at my in-laws, then drove to my brothers to confront him. Once there I stepped out of the truck and he walked towards me that's when I hit him, but he's a fast little bugger and he ended up getting away. But being as arrogant as he is, he denied it.

 

To finally cut to the chase, I told her that we were over and that I wanted a divorce, and it shocked her that when we picked up the kids, I told them that Mommy and Daddy were not getting along and that we were planning on getting a divorce. If anybody here would know me, they would know that I love my kids more then life itself and telling them this was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, so I tried as best as anyone could possibly do, in being as sensitive as possible while telling them. It actually surprises me at how well they are adjusting, my wife and I have been apart since that day, we sighned the separation papers, and both agreed on joint custody.She also agreed to every condition I proposed, without question, and never proposed any condition of her own.

 

She says that she Loves me, and that she is sorry, and that it was the biggest mistake of her life, but she swears on all that is good in the world that it never was physical. She takes all responsibility, and that she deserves losing me for what she has done. But now that her world is empty she has had time to search for answers to why she would do such a stupid thing that meant nothing to her or him, but ended up costing her everything. She says that at the time she never considered saying things in emails to be cheating, it was just talk, because there was no urge to ever do anything physical, atleast on her part, because she was never physicaly attracted to him and in person she truly did not like his arrogance.

 

She found herself an appartement and will be moving in on the 15th of October. I've known her for so long, and can see it in her eyes that she does regret what she has done, and she knows what she lost, she also says that she has seen and now understands all the mistakes that she has made, and that she has grown, and learned from it. And says if only I would give her another chance, she would prove how much she loves me and is dedicated 100% to our relationship. But here is the thing, I think my love for her is completely gone, and I'm not sure if I could get it back if I tried. It might just be hidden behind my anger and hurt feelings, but I don't know.

 

She says that she will wait for me, no matter how long it takes, because she now realizes that everything that she ever wanted, she already had in me, but now that she lost it, she can see it. She also tells me that if I need time to get over my anger and hurt feelings or to go out and do whatever with as many women as I want so I can realize that we were truly meant for each other and that what she did was just a huge mistake then she is okay with that also. And if after that I do not decide to give her another chance than she hopes that we can still be friends.

 

Like I said in the begining I am so confused, my days have been a blur, I try an be strong for the kids, I play and laugh with them just like before,and tell them that things will get better but when there not around I sometimes fall apart, and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. Also, any advice would be more than appreciated.

 

That is some serious betrayal on your brother's part and on hers. That story made me cringe. Maybe you will be able to find it in your heart to forgive her, but you will never forget this. It is one of those forks in the road that you have to make a choice. You've already chosen the seperation.

This is an intense situation, and the anger you must feel has to be overwhelming towards both your family member and wife.

Blood is thicker than water, and you probably should "work" it out with your older brother.

If your wife never physically touched him it could just be just fantasy role play. It is still wrong, but after 15 years having a fantasy is only human nature. Talk is cheap too so...........

Be strong.

[Owl]

To the OP:

 

You have valid grounds to divorce her. Getting over this, ESPECIALLY when it was your brother, would be hugely difficult for anyone. There's no 'requirement' anywhere that says you have to give her another chance.

 

Or him, for that matter.

 

I'm curious about how you're dealing with him as well. But that's a different story.

 

For now, it sounds to me like you've already got a goal...divorce.

 

Then go for it. Call an attorney, get your ducks in a row financially, and make sure that you do all that you can to keep her from hosing you in the divorce.

 

I totally understand how devestating this is. I also can see a lot of issues with attempting to reconcile when the affair was with your brother. A standard requirement for marital recovery after divorce is no contact ever again with the affair partner...but how do you ensure that when he's your own brother????

 

Hang in there. Consider family counseling for you and your kids. Don't make any hugely rash decisions today, but take your time and think them through.

 

 

 

Sysyphus...I've GOT to ask...is this the same Sysyphus who posted here a few years ago??

[ReallyHurtingBad]

Well J2FT1, there is nothing I would wish more than this to be a fake post, but it's not and your right it is screwed up and so is she, and yes I have thought about the fact that she is just sorry about getting caught.

[ReallyHurtingBad]

I agree with you Troubadour, I do doubt that it was never physical. And thanks for the advice.

[ReallyHurtingBad]

Thanks Taylor for the advice, and I will try that.

[ReallyHurtingBad]

Well Sysyphus28, I agree with you that I will never forget, but as for my brother, well he is dead to me, and will stay that way forever. And you are right also about my anger, if it were not for the love I have for my children, my anger would have taken control of all of my senses and I would have been needing to contact another type of lawyer.

 

Your also right that fantasy is human nature, and talk is cheap.

Thanks, and I will try and be strong.

[TigerCub]

That is a messed up situation - sorry for your pain.

What's going on with your brother? I'd totally cut that piece of **** out of my life.

As for your wife, she says she's sorry, and I'm sure she is (whether its for getting caught or for the whole thing - I don't know), but I find this

 

"She says that at the time she never considered saying things in emails to be cheating, it was just talk, because there was no urge to ever do anything physical"

 

quite insulting to your intelligence, if she really expects you to believe it. Talking about sexual fantasies and all that with a spouse's sibling is so wrong and unless she's a complete moron she would have known that too, and as for the whole things not getting physical, I'm sorry to say, but that's most likely a load of crap because if she's taking it to the emails and she has access to him through phones, and she sees him when he visits and stuff, she would have access to him at other times and I don't see the possibility of the physical stuff happening too far fetched.

 

She screwed up big time but it seems like you're taking the right steps for you by initiating the separation/divorce.

Hang in there!

[ReallyHurtingBad]

Thanks Owl for the advice, and I guess you are right, I do have a goal and its divorce, and I should just stop whining about it, and thinking what if, and grow a set of Balls, and just get it over with.

 

And as for my brother, like I said before, he is dead to me, and will stay that way forever. Also the rest of my family, feels the same way about him, not counting my parents, even though, they are ashamed and devastated that he would do such a thing to his own brother.

[taylor]

A word of caution:

 

Your wife will try to minimize this affair. Don't believe her.

 

She says she didn't think what she was doing was "cheating."

 

If she didn't think she was doing anything wrong, why did she lie to you? Why was the e-mail account a secret? Why didn't she let you in on the fun she was having with your brother if it was just innocent talk?

 

Your wife admitted the affair, your brother denied it. More lies.

 

Affairs involve lies and secrets because both affair partners KNOW that what they are doing is wrong.

 

I doubt this affair did not turn physical. Could you honestly spend one year having sexually explicit e-mail conversations with a local woman and NEVER hook up or have the urge to?

 

Don't be surprised if your brother pays your wife a visit at her apartment now that you have cut her loose.

 

You have suffered a double betrayal here by two people you should have been able to trust. I can't imagine your pain.

 

Focus on your kids. They need you now more than ever.

[Geishawhelk]

And as for my brother, like I said before, he is dead to me...

 

Just let me throw a chance question here....

 

You find out your brother has a car accident and desperately needs a new kidney due to damage, and you're the only match, or he will die.

Are you telling me you'd walk away from him?

 

Think carefully before you answer.

 

Really.

Then I'll tell you my point.

[lkjh]

Geishawalk, the guy comes on here hurt because his brother had an affair with his wife the mother of his children and you find it necessary to make him feel guilty for being angry. If his brother gets in an accident then he can deal with it then but for now deal with the issues at hand.

[bish]

RHB,

Man I feel for you. Not only did she betray you, but your own brother as well?

 

I'd say there is no way in hell you can be married to her. And your brother should be disowned.

 

Its a double betrayal, and I'd never speak to either of them again.

 

Only problem is, you were betrayed, but in the eyes of a court it doesn't matter. She is the mother, she will get the kids no matter how much of pond scum she is. And if things progress with her and your brother, your brother could very well be the "man" of the house with your kids.

 

Talk about disgusting. But what are you going to do? Stay with a filthy woman for the rest of your life out of fear of what will happen if you divorce?

[bish]

I wouldn't like to sound too harsh but I doubt it was just internet sex.

 

I agree. too much opportunity there for them to keep it just at internet sex.

 

 

It is time to talk to divorce lawyer. I am rather peaceful person by nature but for something like this I would bit s... out of the brother too.

 

I wouldn't beat the tar out of him. I'd just disown him and tell the parents.

[Geishawhelk]

Geishawalk, the guy comes on here hurt because his brother had an affair with his wife the mother of his children and you find it necessary to make him feel guilty for being angry. If his brother gets in an accident then he can deal with it then but for now deal with the issues at hand.

 

No, I'm not saying it to make him angry. Quite the opposite.

 

When you're hurting so bad it feels like a knife twisting, we think, say and do many things that are propelled by the Anger and the Pain, and we make rash decisions we may go back on later.

 

Many of us have been in seemingly insurmountable situations.

I myself walked out of an argument with my parents many years ago, fully believing I would never see them or speak to them again, such was the hatred I bore them at that point. I was completely convinced our relationship had come to an end, and that as far as I was concerned, they didn't exist for me.

 

Well, for me, it didn't turn out that way, and I know now how damaging and painful such convictions can be.

 

I realise that the immediate sentiment is hertfelt.

All I would say, is never say 'never'.

That's all.

[Bryanp]

This is so awful. It seems obvious she was having sex with your brother. She has contantly lied and betrayed you in the worst possible way. Please see a lawyer and move on. I would not want to have children raised by a woman with such a broken moral compass. The fact that she could have engaged in such a double betrayal shows what totally distain that she had for you and your marriage. She engaged in behavior that showed total humiliation and disrespect for you and your family. Divorce her as soon as you can and move on with your life. She is sorry she was caught and it would still be going on after a full year of this. Your brother is total scum. I am sorry for you.

[Nomad1]

If a man is so depraved that he can do such a thing to his brother, I would not trust him around my children.

 

Write your wife off! She is immature and will no doubt do this again, irrespective of who she is with. This can't be the first extra marital sex she had. People rarely suddenly change. She must have been at it for years!

 

You will need a lot of strength! You are doing the right thing though!

 

Peace

 

Nomad1

[jmargel]

You can't assume more than what you already know. By doing that you are making the situation worse.

 

I think what you need is some truth. Get her password and log into her account. Read all the emails. How old are your children? Are you sure they are yours?

 

What she did and what your brother did was total betrayal. You have every right to feel the way you are feeling. However I would tell you not to make any decisions based on the emotions you are having. You seem to be doing that. You admit that your judgment is clouded right now. Give it time for you to think clearly. There is no time limit on this. There is also no 'one talk' about this with her. She should be willing to give you any details you ask with truthfulness.

 

I would also suggest a counselor for yourself and if you feel upto it down the road invite her along so that you can get those answers you seek. She might be holding something back because she doesn't want to hurt you anymore than she already has. We don't know that though.

 

Also look up the five stages of grief. It's meant for spouses who pass away, but in situations like yours it can be viewed as the same.

[ReallyHurtingBad]

Geishawalk, I thought about your question, and have come up with an answer, and my answer is why should I chance my life by giving him a kidney when he thought so little about my life and the lives of my children, so call me vengeful but I would visit him just to let him know that I could help him but rather stay healthy for my children. That way I could be around a little longer to hopefully guide my children to being a better person than him as well as myself. Then ask him if it was all worth it.

[Geishawhelk]

Ok.

I just hope it really never comes to pass.

or that the boot would be on the other foot.

 

Living a life with bitterness in your heart, is the most damaging thing anyone can inflict upon themselves.

And to harbour anger, resentment and bitterness is really self-destructive.

it's like picking up burning coals to throw them at someone. They always, but always burn us first.

 

I fully understand your feelings right now.

They're completely and unequivocably justified.

I hope in time - and shoot, does it ever take time! - you can transcend them, and release them, and be forgiving. Not for them, but for yourself.

Always, chielfy and topmost, for yourself.

 

Truly, with all my heart I wish you peace of Mind, serenity and fortitude.

[seibert253]

I have a different take on this, so I'm just throwing this out for food for thought. Your initial response of hurt and anger is understandible, and I commend you for holding it in. I don't know how well I would have reacted.

Let me ask you this, do you think your initial decision of kicking her to the curb and wanting a divorce was a bit hasty? Yes she betrayed you and your trust, and lied to you about the extent and with whom this was occuring, but infidelity is deception at it's core. I don't know you and your wife, but minus this huge lie, how truthful and trustworthy was she prior to this?

Based upon your description of how she's acted since light was shown upon this, she may be truly sorry and repentful. I don't know, you know your wife, I don't.

I know you still love your wife, because if you didn't, you wouldn't be in so much pain and anguish. You may not think so, but your wife also loves you, even though she stuck a dagger in your heart. This is evident by her doing whatever you demand in order to attempt to make this right. By the way, she can never make it right. What' s done is done and there's no taking it back. But remember, we all screw up for time to time, I bet even you've had a major fu$k up or two in your life. WE ALL HAVE.

With all this being said, for what it's worth, in my opinion you need a time of seperation to prepare for healing. Your marriage CAN be fixed, but both of you need to want to fix it. Please take more into consideration in making decision for divorce, then the pain inflicted to your ego. A divorce WILL negatively effect your children.

Now, I can hear you now; I can never forgive her, and I will never get over this. YES YOU CAN, AND YES YOU WILL. But, you have to want to. With the proper attitude and assistance you can overcome anything thrown at you.

Stay strong and God Bless.

[ChocoFine]

O'h man! What a horrible experience!!

 

Your situation is very much difficult as you have been together for so long plus you have children..

 

I know this sounds different with most previous posts but I would say for the sake of the poor children losing their mom you could've given her a second and only second chance, specially that the issue was not physical. Surely it was fun but the wrong sort of fun that she was dragged to.. Right is RIGHT & wrong is WRONG despite the do'er..

I simulated myself falling into the same case what I would do then? I would either give her a 2nd chance, or divorce her to teach her a lesson then have her back for the children she breastfed and partnered in educating lifetime.. But returing her back must not convey neediness.. Only initially for the sake of children... O'h it breaks heart when they cry "Mommy.. mommy.."

Although the case caused an unforgettable pain, issues are not impossible to repair.. and tradeoffs sometimes have to be made..

I don't mean to be mean but sometimes wives do fantasize in such ways because they have insufficient fantasy at home..