I have to get in the shower to cry so kids won't hear

[jenmom22]

Try to keep it short. Was dating a man after I separated from my husband. We met at work and worked together for 7 years. The entire time was great. He was also a single parent. The chemistry was nothing I've ever experienced before. I'm talking like right out of the movies! Passion, passion, passion but a strong foundation of love.

I'm no spring chicken (37) but the pain I feel is as bad as when I'd get my heart broken as a teenager!

I left the job last December and we started having problems. It was hard to find quality time together because we both had kids. We really took for granted all the time together at work. Things were shaky for a couple months but we'd always find our way back. He lost his mom in June and his world just imploded. It was very sudden. I was there for him for whatever he needed.

Anyway, I'll just get to the point. He broke up with me after his moms funeral. He said he felt NO connection to me and that after 7 years he should've felt closer. I was devastated. I recently found out he is in a new relationship with a woman who's been a very close friend of the family's. He said he wasnt looking to start anything, it just happened. After his mom died I sold my old wedding rings to afford to take him away for a relaxing vacation and I was going to ask him to marry me. The news of his new relationship has just devasted me. His family is overjoyed. They LOVE his new girlfriend! She's like a member of the family. The last time I communicated with him was over instant message. Thats when he gave me all the details. Of course I asked all the wrong questions - how does it feel to kiss her, etc... He said it was exciting. He said he will always love me and that he never intended to hurt me. All I can think of is my ex doing all the things we did, now with her. I get physically ill when I think of them having sex. I cry all the time. I have to run the shower so my kids won't hear. It's been a couple months and I'm still in such pain. Any advice? Do you think I may get him back down the road. Did he make a wrash decision because he lost his mom? Is the new woman a rebound? He always told me he's never had this much love and passion for anyone like he has w/ me. He also thought we'd be together forever.

Please, anyone in the same boat? Do you think there's hope?

Thank you for reading such a long post.

[Lizzie60]

My advice.. move on.. forget about him. I know it's easier said than done but you can't force someone to love you..

 

He's now with someone else.. you have to accept that. Change your mind when you catch yourself thinking about him. Take care of yourself.. pamper yourself.. I know you probably don't feel like doing anything but you got to force yourself..

 

Go for walks.. exercise is great for mental or emotional distress.

 

It's hard but one day this will all be behind you.. only time will heal the pain. there is no miracle cure.

 

I should add... go out with your friends.. visit family for support.

 

Good luck.

[Geishawhelk]

He said he wasnt looking to start anything, it just happened.

 

What a load of bull.

Something happened because both he and she wanted it to happen. I hate this "we couldn't help it, it just happened" cr*a*p. It's rubbish.

Of course I asked all the wrong questions - how does it feel to kiss her, etc... He said it was exciting. He said he will always love me and that he never intended to hurt me.

Yes, let's get rid of all the guilt by saying 'I never meant to hurt you....'

Oh, forgot to add....'but I still went ahead and did it anyway! gee, sorry!'

Any advice? Do you think I may get him back down the road.

Two hopes: Bob Hope and No Hope. Sorry. Not a chance in hell.

 

Did he make a wrash decision because he lost his mom? Is the new woman a rebound? He always told me he's never had this much love and passion for anyone like he has w/ me.

He wasn't exactly lying, but when did he last tell you this?

Feelings change. His obviously did.

 

Let me explain something to you.

If there had been absolutely nothing wrong with your relationship he would not have had the affair.

people generally cheat, because whatever's at home isn't doing everything for them.

Now, you may not have been aware of this. Not consciously. Maybe you really didn't have a blinding clue.

Or maybe you are now aware that perhaps there was the odd little thing....

Whatever.

His other 'crime' was that instead of talking it over with you, he took the easier option and found someone new.

He also thought we'd be together forever.

So did Elizabeth Taylor.

Please, anyone in the same boat? Do you think there's hope?

No.

I think he has most definitely moved on. Tragic as it may seem right now - you have to do the same.

[jenmom22]

Did I mention we'd been sleeping together up until the night before his moms funeral. This really came out of left field. I've been told when you lose a close family member you just turn inward (especially men) and want to be around your family. She had been his sisters best friend for 20 years. She's was at a lot of family events through the years. I was still getting text messages from him after we'd part like, "wish u were here, love u so much, thx for all the support." Also, I forgot to mention in that last instant msging back and forth when he was spouting **** like "this wasn't my intention" (I love that line.) He kept saying, "I don't know what will happen with this new relationship." "We both want to take it very slow as to not damage our friendship." Well, he effing damaged me!

I don't know, just had to give a little more feedback as to how everything really did turn on a dime. Thanks so much for everyones feedback. So glad I found this place.

[Geishawhelk]

Oh good sign.... Now the Anger's coming out.... You realise that you are so mad at the injustice. Believe it or not, even though I really do not believe prolonged and harboured anger and resentment are healthy, they are a natural process of a split, and I think you need to focus on them to really get to the bottom of your feelings, and allow yourself to vent.

 

I would also write him a letter about how you feel.

Then put it in a draw. (Or file it in word.doc under personal rant.).

 

Save it, close it and leave it alone.

 

Look at it two days later.

 

Be sensible, and delete all the stupid senseless hyper-emotional stuff, and keep it factual, logical and to the point. tell him all the things he said to you, and why you feel betrayed and abandoned. But it's important to speak from the head, not let the heart run away with your tongue.....

Mail it to him, telling him you never want to hear from him aagain, or see him.

 

Oh.

And mail a copy to his family.

Hence the factual, logical, pertinent 'speaking from the head'.

[Billie63]

I've known many people make rash decisions following a bereavement. When he said he felt no connection with you, he failed to realise that he was in mourning and that during this period you often feel very detached from people, even the ones closest to you.

 

If the relationship was as good for him as it was for you, then yes I think there is a chance you'll get back together.

 

May I ask, what did his family think of you? I find it very insensitive of them to be so thrilled with his new girl so soon after your split.

[bayouboi]

Did I mention we'd been sleeping together up until the night before his moms funeral. This really came out of left field.

 

Haha I'm all too familiar with that...she and I had sex the night before the morning she told me she was leaving me. Surprised the heck outta me. Your best bet is to move on. It's painful like hell at first and even hard to believe some of the support you'll get on this site, but we've all been through it and you just have to believe that you'll make it and that one day everything will be better. You'll want to latch onto the good things about him, but eventually you will realize how void he really is to do what he did to you.

[jenmom22]

Wow, you guys are great! Geishawhelk - you are very much like me in your thinking. I actually did write the letter, I put it away, re-wrote it and also sent one to the family. That letter is what got him to say all he did.

Billie63 - I am hurt that his family is so excited but can you blame them? His sister loves her best friend of 20 years and also loves my ex. How perfect is that?! Now she might have her best friend as a sister in law! The other members of the family that were excited were his 12 and 13 year old nieces. His family cared about me very much for 7 years. They are also in pain after losing their mother, so I think they're all kinda in a huddle figuring out what to do. My ex's mom lived with him and helped take care of his boys. He really is a good man. 12 years ago when it was so expected children of divorce would live w/ the mom, he was granted full custody. It was unheard of at the time. He's an amazing father. On one side I hate the effing bastard but on the other side I'm trying to just hold out hope. This man slept in my hospital bed when I had a full hysterectomy at 34. He's also 11 years older than me, so I'm also surprised that someone with that much maturity and life experience would do this. He admitted that he doesn't know what happened during the time of his moms death. He said he was in a fog. OHHHHHHHHHHH and I forgot to mention on top of his moms death he was also dealing with letting his 16 year old live with his mother in Hawaii!!! So, he was really (and still is) dealing with 2 losses. He has a big house and now there's only 2 of them instead of 4.

I'll try and keep my anger because I know I have to, but I just have this gut feeling that 6 mos from now or a year from now, he'll see what he's done. And I'm not saying I'd take him back, I'm just saying what I think. Thank you, thank you to all of you who take the time out of your day to read my pathetic rantings. You have no idea how much it means to me. I feel very isolated and out of touch and you guys help so much. Just to know someone is listening and cares to give feedback - harsh and not. Thanks!!

[jenmom22]

Here's another little nugget of info that confuses me. He has a Myspace (I know, the man is 47) He's got teenage sons that made him do it while ago. He still loves to update it. Quirky, I know. Anyway, he has 8 pics total and 2 are of the two of us together! The rest w/ sons and golfing buddies. I know for a fact he purposely left them up. WTF?

[LakesideDream]

Here's another little nugget of info that confuses me. He has a Myspace (I know, the man is 47) He's got teenage sons that made him do it while ago. He still loves to update it. Quirky, I know. Anyway, he has 8 pics total and 2 are of the two of us together! The rest w/ sons and golfing buddies. I know for a fact he purposely left them up. WTF?

 

 

It's an opposite of the usual situation. He wants you to be the "back up" girl. Whether you decide to be that or not is your decision. I hate it myself.

[Billie63]

Jenmom, that old 'my best friend is going out with my brother' thing is not always a good thing long term.

 

My ex-sis in law experienced it when her best friend maried her brother and it has caused all kinds of crap since.

 

It may sound cozy but, come on, when best friend wants to moan about her man's habits or sex life, she can hardly go to his sister, can she?

 

I lost my mum 12 years ago and I can tell you it is a bewildering time when you'e operating in a very half baked way, plus the upheaval with his kid going to Hawai, well it all makes sense.

 

How often are you in contact with him? And how far away from you does he live?

[jenmom22]

He lives just 15 minutes away. Although he wants to keep contact, in that last instant message he said that he understands if right now I hate him and that he would probably feel the same way. He didn't even know I was planning on asking him to marry me until that communication (I.M.) He wrote that he was shocked, that he wished I would've let him in on what I was planning on doing and he said he is very sad and depressed over that news. He basically said, "I don't know what will happen w/ Jenny and I." (We have the same name, can you believe it? She's Jenny and I'm Jen.) He then said "things happen for a reason, we're all on our own path and that he doesn't want to ask me to "wait and see what happens w/ he and Jenny". Gee, thanks. After the instant msg, obviously I was sobbing, really hurt that we weren't face to face (he was at work) I did call him crying and just asked that he not discuss the fact that I was going to ask him to marry me with Jenny (the new girlfriend).

This whole nightmare has been going on since end of June w/ it coming to a head on Sept 9. After I called him that day to ask the favor, I haven't spoke to him since. Nothing. NC. It's been so hard. Especially at our old job. He's still there, I'm not and it's hurt to know all of our friends at work are now aware of Jenny, talk to her, will probably have drinks w/ her. I know he will take her to the big office holiday party and that just feels like a punch in the stomach.

I'm feeling that any self respecting girl would not go back to this man, ever. I consider myself self respecting, educated, responsible... But I do think I would entertain the thought if he called me in the future.

I know aside from losing a child, losing your mother is devastating. Letting his son move to Hawaii w/ his mother was a very unselfish move on his part and I know he's still hurting from that. His ultimate fear was losing his boys. His ex wife actually took them from him when the boys were toddlers and took them to Hawaii to be w/ her family. He'd tell me how he would just sit in their closet smelling their little clothes and just sobbing. So, basically....he's got a good heart and he's an amazing man. It all just makes it hurt so much more.

I feel like the man I know has died. I don't know who this new person is. I really appreciate your advice and thank you for sharing your feelings w/ me about how you felt when you lost your mom. I just wish I could turn my brain off for just an hour. I have that lump in my throat all day. All it takes is someone to ask me "how are you?" It could even be a client! It just makes me tear up and cry.

Thanks so much again...

jen

[Billie63]

I split up from my man in June after 6 years together. We hadn't been getting on and he was having an emotional affair. I'm no spring chicken either - I'm 45 but pretty gorgeous ha ha!

 

I hated the fact he was taking his new woman to family parties - it was like I didn't exist. You build things up in your mind and think he's having this great time. But my ex isn't and neither is yours. And he's in a rebound relationship.

Like you, it's like my ex has died I don't recognise him anymore, he's a stranger to me.

 

 

Cry and wail and do what you have to. But keep your dignity. Don't contact him. I've got a feeling about your ex. I think he's gonna wise up and want you back. Just give him space and work on yourself in the meantime.

 

Be honest with yourself about why you two weren't getting along and try to fix any faults in you that caused them.

[2sure]

My now husband and I met in May of 2004. At the time he was still seeing his girlfriend of 5 years. She wanted to get married and they talked about it but he was not willing to move forward. He broke up with her abruptly when I decided to date him. He assured me he had never seriously considered marrying her. A few months later we were engaged. Meanwhile she would call him, very upset, looking for reasons, wanting another chance , etc. I couldnt blame her and didnt. I knew the calls would eventually stop. I didnt blame myself or my H because it was clear their relationship was never going to go where she wanted it to.

 

Her calls to my H came to irritate him. He eventually would say unkind things about her/to her and she responded in kind. She wound up in a very bad light to everyone.

 

Your ex said he was "shocked" you were thinking of marriage. With no thought for discretion, he told you he found her kisses "exciting". He told you even if he and the new woman dont work out, he doesnt want you to wait for a future with him.

 

The rug has been pulled from beneath you. This is horrible. Keep your dignity.

[jenmom22]

Thank you 2sure for your story. I do take everything in. We both knew we were going to get married all along. I had been going through a divorce also and had to tread lightly when it came to my kids. My ex husband and I didn't own anything so I thought I could do the divorce myself w/help from a paralegal at We the People. (biz in the US.) It was a nightmare. I cudnt afford an atty. So the only reason we didn't get married earlier was that I was only legally separated from my H. We separated almost 9 years ago. Ex boyfriend also didn't want to make my kids think he wanted to take the place of their dad etc...

He said he was "shocked" because I was the one doing the official "asking." He never wanted to pressure me into marriage. What he actually typed was, "Wowee! I'm shocked. I feel very sad and depressed by this news. Now i kind of wish you werent going to keep it a surprise and wish you included me so I would've known."

Very stinging words to hear after the fact.

2sure - My ex H played the role of your H ex girlfriend in my scenario. I fell in love very quickly after I left my H after 7 years of marriage and knowing him 14 years. My ex H kept calling me, crying, bad mouthing me in front of our kids etc... It was a nightmare. He, like your H ex GF put himself in a horrible light to everybody. Everybody.. I keep telling him that, so I know of what you speak and would NEVER allow myself to act that way. I need to be a good example to my children. All of my breakdowns are done in private. I do not plan on contacting my x BF. His b-day and my b-day are coming up. We always used to call eachother at 12:01am to be the first to say "I'm so happy you were born!" to eachother. Kinda sappy, I know. You don't know how much I want to do that for him again this Nov 23rd, I wanted to just text msg him that and then not anything else after that. I know its a horrible idea and I promise I wont, but I'm hoping it will slap him back into reality.

I joined eharm. a dating website about a month ago. Thought it would help take my mind off. So far......I'm only finding guys who are under 5' and bald!

Have a great day everybody!!!

[2sure]

I am so mad at your ex for you. Years ago, when I was a single Mom and going through a heartbreak - my then 3 year old daughter saw me crying. Do you know she is 12 now and recently mentioned it? Sigh.

 

One of the benefits of having children around is that we dont have the luxery of going crazy or completely breaking down.

[jenmom22]

2sure - That's my worst fear. Unfortunately, my ex H has been very immature and done things in front of the kids that I'm sure they'll never forget. I try and make sure I never say a bad word about him. He's in the kids life almost everyday. They love him but I know they see all I do and all he doesn't. He coaches baseball, and to the outside he's the BEST DAD. It's very frustrating. He's told all of our old friends that I cheated, he's also told a lot of the parents at school. I feel like I have a scarlet letter emblazend on my chest. I must admit, I do think he played a part in the loss of my relationship with my boyfriend. He did everything in his power to keep me busy so I'd never have a night free to spend time with him. I have the kids full time. He won't let both kids spend the night w/ him cuz that would give me a night alone. Can you bel it? He's only take my daughter and tell my son, "next time."

He even at one point told my kids, if they spend time with my boyfriend and his kids, that they are "hurting" daddy.

My kids had so much fun with those kids, me and my boyfriend. They got to see a man and a woman together, caring, respectful, loving - they didn't have to worry that an arguement might breakout at any moment.

I had a lot of talks with my kids over the last 7 years. 100's of talks, making sure they were ok with everything. Some times were hard. We all made sacrifices. That is also what kills me. I feel like my kids gave him the biggest gift - their trust. I'm sure it's not easy seeing mommy with a male friend that isn't their dad. I feel like my ex bf discounted the reprecussions beyond just me when he made his decision.

Very sad. Very sad. I don't really know what exactly to tell my kids, honestly. I don't normally have a problem discussing issues with them, but I think the pain is making it harder for me to find the right words for them.

[Geishawhelk]

Jen, you can srtill be honest with them and tell them your truth without deliberately bad-mouthing him.

Tell them your truth.

Tell it like it is.

There is no reason to do otherwise.

 

Explain it in terms they can equate with, understand and absorb.

Kids have an uncanny way of being able to sift through crap.

 

Also, keep a diary.

Record everything. But everything.

And in 10 years time, let them read it.

[2sure]

When I had to explain a breakup to my daughter - it was hard. On the one hand, you want to be honest. On the other, you dont want to present life in such a way that major relationships are not meant to be permanent.

Also, I didnt want my daughter to get the impression that I or any woman HAD to have a partner or suffer heartbreak.

 

Changing times

[jenmom22]

My grandfather is dying. My sister and I have been visiting him daily. He's in and out of lucidity. Keeps saying how beautiful my sister and I are. It's very sad. He was such a smart, amazing man with the sharpest mind. Anyway, out of no where he asks how "kevin" (my ex bf) is and am I happy? It just brought tears to my eyes. I had to say we were fine and still happy and still in love. He asked if I could bring Kevin to see him. It's like being hit in the stomach again. It makes me so mad at my ex. I was there for him during the death of his mom but I don't have him to hold me during this tough time. I know it sounds stupid but this just makes me miss him so much. It makes me so mad that I won't be able to have him next to me when the funeral happens. I was there for all of it for him. It killed me to have to lie to my grandfather and pissed me off that I had to make Kevin look good in front of my grandfather.

Just had to vent.