Owl Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 This: A hit man is not really my style LMAO, but she did try to have me arrested once. It was on false charges so she had to pay $100 fine. Last month she tried to have me evicted, but it's not her house so that did not work either. ...combined with this: When you meet your soul mate you wll do anything to keep them. ...begs the question: Perhaps SHE feels that he's her "soulmate" as well? And she feels as though you stole (in some fashion) her soulmate from her...and is fighting that situation in the same way that you would "do anything to keep them."? Her hurt and anger have some obvious and easily understandable roots. She made a horrible mistake by inviting you into their marriage. She lost the man she loves as a direct result of that mistake. I'm not telling you to give him up. All I'm saying is that this outcome is hardly surprising. It was darned near 'preordained' to happen. And as far as I can tell, there is NO kind of good fix for the whole situation. In one way, this is just like an average affair...NO ONE ends up unhurt by the situation. You're hurt. He's hurt. She's hurt. The difference is this...at the end of it all...she feels like she's ended up losing EVERYTHING in her life as a direct result of this whole thing.
Kim666 Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 The difference is this...at the end of it all...she feels like she's ended up losing EVERYTHING in her life as a direct result of this whole thing. The difference in all of this as well is that the W invited this woman into her life with her husband. If she had seriously talked about all of this with her husband then no one should have gotten hurt. I know people in marriages likes this and have seen them last for many many years. It is all about communication and openness. Hopefully she will move and let you both be. It is not an easy situation but I will keep my fingers crossed for you aubrey
Owl Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 The difference in all of this as well is that the W invited this woman into her life with her husband. If she had seriously talked about all of this with her husband then no one should have gotten hurt. I know people in marriages likes this and have seen them last for many many years. It is all about communication and openness. Hopefully she will move and let you both be. It is not an easy situation but I will keep my fingers crossed for you aubrey quote] You raise a good point, but it leaves out human nature. Many people "wall up" when they're hurt by the actions of those that they love. Its exactly what the OP described of the wife's reactions in this case. What would have helped diffuse the situation would have been to 'step back' when they realized that she was hurting...put the brakes on the WHOLE relationship while they helped her...and THEN see where things would go from there. But that's not what happened...instead, they tried talking with her, but continued to expand and explore the relationship between them and let the relationship with her die. You're right...she invited her in. And...she did so WITHOUT thinking through all of the possiblities and potential hurdles. There should have been some kind of agreemant made in the beginning for handling jealousy and such in the relationship.
Terminator Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 As I see it, the W invited aubrey into the game and then changed the rules of play and decided aubrey should pack up her bat and ball and just slink quietly away. The animosity stems from aubrey's flatout refusal to do that. A triangle never works, regardless of the legalities, but legally speaking aubrey, she IS the wife and as such has more legal rights and recourses than yourself, like it or not. I wish you luck but you have to realize it has now become just another "love triangle".
Author aubrey_25_99 Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 This: ...combined with this: ...begs the question: Perhaps SHE feels that he's her "soulmate" as well? And she feels as though you stole (in some fashion) her soulmate from her...and is fighting that situation in the same way that you would "do anything to keep them."? Her hurt and anger have some obvious and easily understandable roots. She made a horrible mistake by inviting you into their marriage. She lost the man she loves as a direct result of that mistake. I'm not telling you to give him up. All I'm saying is that this outcome is hardly surprising. It was darned near 'preordained' to happen. And as far as I can tell, there is NO kind of good fix for the whole situation. In one way, this is just like an average affair...NO ONE ends up unhurt by the situation. You're hurt. He's hurt. She's hurt. The difference is this...at the end of it all...she feels like she's ended up losing EVERYTHING in her life as a direct result of this whole thing. I agree with almost everything you have said here wholeheartedly. Amen, brother! (or is it sister? LOL sorry) Exept that you state "she feels like she's ended up losing EVERYTHING in her life as a direct result of this whole thing." and that is a common reaction that I get. I know that she feels that way. But, I this is my WHOLE life, too! I would be losing everything, too. I am not just "the other woman", I have been living my whole life with these ppl. Just because she was there first gives her dibs? Love does not operate on a seniority basis, like it or not. I, too, would be giving up my home, my guy, my security, my EVERYTHING. Just like her. They have only been married for 7 years, I have been with them a total of 4 years... that's more than half their marriage! I guess my point is that why is it worse for her to loose everything than it is for me? I trusted these ppl with my heart and soul and this is the result I get from her? That's OK because she was in this relationship first? I don't think so. I mean, for a while she did not even treat me or her husband like human beings. She pushed us away... I don't see what I was supposed to do about that if she refused to talk to me and reconcile with me. I am just tired of everyone being so worried about her loosing everything. I know it sucks that she looses, I wish she didn't have to. But I also wish that she hadn't treated us the way she did. She knew the risks involved when they invited me into their marriage, she had to know she couldn't control human emotions. She basically treated me like some kind of sex toy that she could just throw away when it broke. Well, I am sorry, you just don't treat ppl that way. We coule even have worked it out so that we both got to spend time with the H even if we didn't want to be with eachother, but that was not good enough for her, either. It was her way or the highway. In this case, she's the one on the highway!
Author aubrey_25_99 Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 The difference is this...at the end of it all...she feels like she's ended up losing EVERYTHING in her life as a direct result of this whole thing. The difference in all of this as well is that the W invited this woman into her life with her husband. If she had seriously talked about all of this with her husband then no one should have gotten hurt. I know people in marriages likes this and have seen them last for many many years. It is all about communication and openness. Hopefully she will move and let you both be. It is not an easy situation but I will keep my fingers crossed for you aubrey Thank you, Kim666, for the support... sometimes it feels like the whole world is against me because of who I love. It is very frustrating! I wish it would have worked out for the three of us, it would have been great that way!
Owl Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 I agree with almost everything you have said here wholeheartedly. Amen, brother! (or is it sister? LOL sorry) Exept that you state "she feels like she's ended up losing EVERYTHING in her life as a direct result of this whole thing." and that is a common reaction that I get. I know that she feels that way. But, I this is my WHOLE life, too! I would be losing everything, too. I am not just "the other woman", I have been living my whole life with these ppl. Just because she was there first gives her dibs? Love does not operate on a seniority basis, like it or not. I, too, would be giving up my home, my guy, my security, my EVERYTHING. Just like her. They have only been married for 7 years, I have been with them a total of 4 years... that's more than half their marriage! I guess my point is that why is it worse for her to loose everything than it is for me? I trusted these ppl with my heart and soul and this is the result I get from her? That's OK because she was in this relationship first? I don't think so. I mean, for a while she did not even treat me or her husband like human beings. She pushed us away... I don't see what I was supposed to do about that if she refused to talk to me and reconcile with me. I am just tired of everyone being so worried about her loosing everything. I know it sucks that she looses, I wish she didn't have to. But I also wish that she hadn't treated us the way she did. She knew the risks involved when they invited me into their marriage, she had to know she couldn't control human emotions. She basically treated me like some kind of sex toy that she could just throw away when it broke. Well, I am sorry, you just don't treat ppl that way. We coule even have worked it out so that we both got to spend time with the H even if we didn't want to be with eachother, but that was not good enough for her, either. It was her way or the highway. In this case, she's the one on the highway! Just to make sure you understand...I'm not saying its WORSE for her to lose everything. What I'm saying is that from the moment this started...ONE of the two of you was BOUND to lose everything...it just happened to be her. The fact that she made it a "her way or the highway" isn't the least bit surprising...again...think about this from her angle. She felt secure in bringing you into the relationship...but then it didn't work out the way she thought it would be. She became jealous, it hurt her to see the two of you together. She pulled away to deal with that hurt...and the two of you stayed together. Now, suddenly, SHE's the outsider in what originally was HER marriage to him. It HAS to be "her way or the highway"...because the pain of seeing the two of you together it to great for her to stay in that situation any longer. She didn't expect that pain...didn't plan on it. But it happened, nonetheless. From HER perspective, this is all your fault. If she hadn't brought you into this...none of this would have happened. Again, I'm not blaming you...I'm giving you her perspective. When things spiraled out of control...when suddenly, she no longer felt like she was part of the marriage...she got angry, hurt, resentful. This could just have as easily ended up being you. Had they had their fun, but then decided that the three way marriage WASN'T working, and asked you to leave, you likely would have been just as devestated. And as I've said...there's no "magic bullet" to fix this situation. There's no "happy ending" for everyone involved. She'll always feel the way she does about the two of you. The both of you will always regret that she got to feeling that way. I do wish all three of you well.
Author aubrey_25_99 Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 As I see it, the W invited aubrey into the game and then changed the rules of play and decided aubrey should pack up her bat and ball and just slink quietly away. The animosity stems from aubrey's flatout refusal to do that. A triangle never works, regardless of the legalities, but legally speaking aubrey, she IS the wife and as such has more legal rights and recourses than yourself, like it or not. I wish you luck but you have to realize it has now become just another "love triangle".[/quote There is no need to remind me that this is a love triangle, beleive me, I know! I live it! LOL I realize that she is the wife, but how do you take legal recourse over human emotion? Her husband feels the same way about me as I do about him, and that's all I need to know. He does not want to be married to her anymore, he has told both her and me this. I am not proud of being involved in the breakup of a marriage. Prior to this realtionship I was freinds with the wife. We had been freinds since 1993. This was not easy on me. I lost one of my best friends, a lover, a confidante. I know it's easy to peg me as the bad guy, but I assure you I did not do this single handedly. I have said over and over that I would have been happy as a trio, but no one seems to even acknowledge the fact that I have tried to be fair and sensitive about this whole thing the ENTIRE time it was happening. Even when she was mistreating me. Sorry. Venting Frustrations. LOL
Author aubrey_25_99 Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 Just to make sure you understand...I'm not saying its WORSE for her to lose everything. What I'm saying is that from the moment this started...ONE of the two of you was BOUND to lose everything...it just happened to be her. The fact that she made it a "her way or the highway" isn't the least bit surprising...again...think about this from her angle. She felt secure in bringing you into the relationship...but then it didn't work out the way she thought it would be. She became jealous, it hurt her to see the two of you together. She pulled away to deal with that hurt...and the two of you stayed together. Now, suddenly, SHE's the outsider in what originally was HER marriage to him. It HAS to be "her way or the highway"...because the pain of seeing the two of you together it to great for her to stay in that situation any longer. She didn't expect that pain...didn't plan on it. But it happened, nonetheless. From HER perspective, this is all your fault. If she hadn't brought you into this...none of this would have happened. Again, I'm not blaming you...I'm giving you her perspective. When things spiraled out of control...when suddenly, she no longer felt like she was part of the marriage...she got angry, hurt, resentful. This could just have as easily ended up being you. Had they had their fun, but then decided that the three way marriage WASN'T working, and asked you to leave, you likely would have been just as devestated. And as I've said...there's no "magic bullet" to fix this situation. There's no "happy ending" for everyone involved. She'll always feel the way she does about the two of you. The both of you will always regret that she got to feeling that way. I do wish all three of you well. Thank you for all your help. You have helped me to see things from her perspective a little, I think. I am not so angry at her now, as I can understand better what she is feeling and thinking. I do agree with you, we will always regret that it could not work out between the three of us. I am sure she will always regret inviting me into their lives. It is unfortunate all the way around! I can't thank you enough for taking the time to help me see things in a different light! I have to log off now, as it is almost time for me to go to work, I wish all of you who have helped me a pleasant evening! Peace, Aubrey
frannie Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 This would be an equal partnership in all respects and I was to be treated as if I were also married to them (both). ... my boyfriend, whom I was still seeing outside our "Trio" was begining to suspect that I was more than just freinds with my housemates. He was not the type of guy who would understand polyamory, so I never told him what was going on. He knew I was close with my bset freinds, but he did not know just how close. He started treating me badly, only calling me when it was convenient for him, not really wanting to see me anymore. ... At the same time that was going on with my boyfreind, the MM started to develop jealousy of my boyfreind and the time I was spending with him. ... after finally realizing that my boyfreind didn't reallly want to be with me and realizing that I was betraying him anyway, I broke up with the BF. ... I started wanting to become even more equal in my partnership with the married couple, my best freinds. I wanted to tell all our friends and family. I wanted to come out and tell the world how I felt about them, now that I was free of the BF. But the W was not comfortable with this. ... she was resistant to the whole idea and began to withdraw from me. ... eventually we did not want to be intamite any more and we started "sharing time" with the H. He was very good at balancing his time between us, but she started becoming violently jealous of any time that he spent alone with me. I tried many, many times to reconcile with her, but to no avail. She shut me out. So it ended up more of an open marriage situation, where I would spend time with the H and she would spend time with him, but never again as a trio. Aparantly, this was not working for her. Hello aubrey. This is my take on the situation. Not wishing to state the obvious, but polyamoury is difficult. A lot of this thread is addressing how the problems started off with the W getting jealous, but I don't see it that way. I've snipped your OP down to get to the nitty-gritty of what I'm talking about. I think where it went wrong was way back, when your BF wasn't told about the set-up. When you're looking at poly, you have to ensure that all participants are consenting, and they all know what they're letting themselves in for. Not wishing to label anyone here, but you were essentially cheating on him with the couple, which was bound to lead to problems both with him and eventually with them, which is what happened. The problem started when your BF started (understandably, imho) to withdraw from you. You say he was treating you badly and not calling except 'when it suited him' and so on, but hey... you were doing the same thing to him and not being open with him about your emotions. Its not at all surprising that the BF situation failed. And a small part of me wonders whether it wasn't convenient that you had this other man at the beginning so that the W wasn't hmmm wasn't jealous, so that it all felt more evened out? Not bashing, just exploring. Then who can say which came first or maybe it all happened together, but as the BF got suspicious, the H started to become jealous of you. This ALL pre-dates anything with the W getting jealous. At this stage she was presumably thinking all was fine (who knows). By the time the H started feeling jealous of BF, and started to want to see the back of him (and then you dumped the superfluous guy)... it was all too late. Then you started wanting things to be 'more equal' (?) in a relationship which was, from the get-go set up to be 'an equal partnership in all respects'..? What that means you don't exactly define. But I get the sense that what was actually happening was that you and the H were getting closer and that led to the jealousy with the W, her withdrawal, and the break-up of the poly relationship in favour of TWO relationships H-you, and H-W. Once again, this might be stating the obvious, or it might be inaccurate, but its my reading of your OP. So. That's my take, fwiw. Whether it means anything or helps, I don't know. But I would say that it might reduce tension or anger or whatever it is you're feeling towards the W if you could see (or agree?) that the fault didn't in fact start with her at all, but with the shifting allegiances which began way before her 'problems' with the situation? Anyway... best of luck with however this progresses. If you really love the W and want things to work out, I don't think it's unrealistic to begin again, perhaps with help from a forum dealing in polyamoury? These situations CAN work out if you want them to. IF you feel you want a monogamous relationship with the H, then that is another thing entirely of course. But the one thing I would say is: if he is someone who is dedicated to a poly lifestyle, you may just have to think along the lines of including another woman in your relationship at some point anyway. Would it be better to stick with what you have? Or are both of you through with poly at this point? I think you need to be honest with yourselves on that score.
Kim666 Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 Thank you, Kim666, for the support... sometimes it feels like the whole world is against me because of who I love. It is very frustrating! I wish it would have worked out for the three of us, it would have been great that way! Let me tell you honey I am the last person the earth to judge you and I think you need to take care of you and in the end I think you will end up being a whole lot happier with the man in your life....just don't make the same mistake she made.... Good luck to all of you
The_411 Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 There is something to be said for history repeating itself. Why do I get the feeling that there will be another 3rd party injected into the mix. Why do I get the impression that this will end very badly.
Author aubrey_25_99 Posted October 10, 2008 Author Posted October 10, 2008 There is something to be said for history repeating itself. Why do I get the feeling that there will be another 3rd party injected into the mix. Why do I get the impression that this will end very badly. I don't beleive this will happen at all. I don't beleive that any of us want another repeat of what happened. I am done with polyamory, he is done with polyamory, and I don't know what she thinks because she doesn't talk to me any more, but I would have to assume that she is all done with it, too.
Author aubrey_25_99 Posted November 15, 2008 Author Posted November 15, 2008 Oh, my gosh! I am so stoked! If you have been following my threads, you will know that I live(d) in a very percarious situation with my BF and His wife... Well, she is FINALLY moving out! A few weeks ago she stopped sleeping at the house, now she has taken all her stuff and she is GONE, DADDY, GONE!!!!! I don't mean to play on her obvious hurt, but we have all been hurting eachother for over 3 years now and it is finally coming to an end! YAY! Just wanted to udate all the helpful ppl who took the time to chat with me over this... Peace ALL! -Aubrey
pelicanpreacher Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 I noticed Aubrey that throughout your tale you never experienced a jealous moment and I find that very odd, especially since your BF was treating you "badly" while your partners were living in seemingly blissful harmony. Are you absolutely positively sure his wife held no reservations whatsoever on this matter when this subject came up or could you have possibly wanted this so badly that you ignored her concerns because of the void in you caused by the loss of your BF? Did you ever consider that all this was primarily motivated at the behest of the husband's demands and urging when meeting with his wife behind closed doors to convince her to accept this arrangement? I know you were all freinds but the husband definately seemed liked he played MC to this relationship for he always kept himself "Johnny in the middle"! Did you ever take her to the side and speak with her confidentially to get her real feelings about this at the onset or was that something you chose not to really know as long as you could get closer to her husband? Are you sure you didn't receive an ego boost that fed off the jealousy displayed by either partners throughout this melodrama? Do you really mean to tell us that throughout the relationship when you were both in an "open marriage" format sharing the husband that you never experienced a twinge of jealousy if he spent more time with her than you or went to family functions with her instead of you? (It certainly sounds like you were jealous since you were the one that wanted to publicize this relationship to the world in the first place) I think that if you reflect on what I'm saying you'll probably agree that you might have rewritten history a bit because we all have a tendency to put positive spins on things to present ourselves in the best light, no? Maybe not, but I rarely see two people that can look at most subjects of controversy and arrive at the same conclusion on anything as subjective as love or politics anyway.
LittleDove Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 I read the whole story. Im sorry, but when you say your 'soul mate' and say you have got rid of the wife... I think the situation backfired on her something bad. She invited someone into her marrige who has taken her marrige away...you have taken her husband. Sure she got emotional when it looked so bad, like he had chosen you- who could blame her... Who knows if she really even wanted this arrangement?? They have a history, and you were 'just' and outsider...and you 'won'. Someone elses husband, is apparently now your soulmate... doesnt sound very 'fair' to me... Why anyone would even consider such *** is beyond me...different strokes for different folks i guess. Suddenly my life feels so sane.
frannie Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 Oh, my gosh! I am so stoked! If you have been following my threads, you will know that I live(d) in a very percarious situation with my BF and His wife... Well, she is FINALLY moving out! A few weeks ago she stopped sleeping at the house, now she has taken all her stuff and she is GONE, DADDY, GONE!!!!! I don't mean to play on her obvious hurt, but we have all been hurting eachother for over 3 years now and it is finally coming to an end! YAY! Just wanted to udate all the helpful ppl who took the time to chat with me over this... Peace ALL! -Aubrey And he's given up poly and you and he will live happy ever after?
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