aubrey_25_99 Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 Hello! Thank you for reading my post. Warning: This is bound to get lengthy. About 2 years ago, I posted regarding my situation. I received a lot of negative feedback from it, as I failed to clarify certain aspects of the situation and I was misread as a plotting husband thief. I am going to give this another try because now, after four years of being in this situation, some changes are finally starting to happen and I would maybe like some understanding souls to talk to. Oh, FYI, if you are not going to read this post all the way to the end then please don't bother to reply as you will not have a complete understanding of what happened. Ok, Here it goes. About 4 years ago I was invited into my best friends' marriage. They had discussed it amongst themselves and realized that they were both in love with me, so one night, after a party at their house, they came out and asked me if I would join their marriage. I told them that I had a boyfreind, but they said that was ok, they did not expect me to break up with him. This would be an equal partnership in all respects and I was to be treated as if I were also married to them (both). It was a polyamorous situation, so I was allowed outside relationships. This worked very well for us for about 6 months. We were inseperable. We went out on dinner dates. we went on vacations, we did everything together! I moved into their house about 2 months after we began our polyamorous relationship, and we all slept in one big double queen sized bed. It was absolute heaven for a while. I did not realize that I was capable of being bi-sexual until this expereince and it was a real eye opener for me. Well, like I said, this went on for about 6 months like a really nice dream. But then, things started to go wrong. Firstly, my boyfriend, whom I was still seeing outside our "Trio" was begining to suspect that I was more than just freinds with my housemates. He was not the type of guy who would understand polyamory, so I never told him what was going on. He knew I was close with my bset freinds, but he did not know just how close. He started treating me badly, only calling me when it was convenient for him, not really wanting to see me anymore. At least that's the impression I got. At the same time that was going on with my boyfreind, the MM started to develop jealousy of my boyfreind and the time I was spending with him. So, after many weeks of begging and pleading on the part of my best freinds', and after finally realizing that my boyfreind didn't reallly want to be with me and realizing that I was betraying him anyway, I broke up with the BF. As soon as this happened, I started wanting to become even more equal in my partnership with the married couple, my best freinds. I wanted to tell all our friends and family. I wanted to come out and tell the world how I felt about them, now that I was free of the BF. But the W was not comfortable with this. I don't know if she did not want her family to know that she was bi-sexual or what, but she was resistant to the whole idea and began to withdraw from me. This hurt an extreme amount. I had intense feelings for her and her husband, and I thought she felt the same for me. But, alas, this was not true. So, inevetably, the W and I drifted apart. Small things at first, but eventually we did not want to be intamite any more and we started "sharing time" with the H. He was very good at balancing his time between us, but she started becoming violently jealous of any time that he spent alone with me. I tried many, many times to reconcile with her, but to no avail. She shut me out. So it ended up more of an open marriage situation, where I would spend time with the H and she would spend time with him, but never again as a trio. Aparantly, this was not working for her, either, because, as I said before, she became jealous of the time I was spending with the H. No matter how balanced we made it, ANY time spent with me was too much time. It soon became clear that she wanted me out of the picutre completely. It was too late for that, as the H and I had formed a strong emotional bond and were not willing to give one another up. Especially seeing as this started as an equal and balanced situation and she was the one who threw it all off balance. I am not trying to place all the blame on her. I got angry and did and said stupid, silly, angry things, too. But she is the one who became uncomfortable all of a sudden, as soon as I wanted to go public, and wanted to oust me. The next thing to happen was she became angry with her H. She stopped talking to both of us completely. We begged her to communicate with us. At this point, I was still willing to try and reconcile with her so we could all be together again. But it was no use. She shut down for 4 months and refused to communicate. You can imagine how difficult this was, as we all lived in the same house. This left the H and I all alone. We realized, then, the the W was not the person that either one of us thought she was and, since she had become unrepairably angry at us both, we began making plans to be alone together. In the mean time, she began doing nasty, violent, unspeakable things to me. I don't really need to go into detail, as I still care for her and don't wish to harbor my bad feelings towards her. Just take my word that they were horrible and destructive. When she caught wind of the H and I making plans to be together without her, this brought her back to life. But by now, due to her horrible behavior, I was no longer willing to reconcile with her. It turns out, the H was willing to try, which angered me. I just wanted to be rid of this person who seemed incapable of being kind to me anymore. All of the things I talked of above took about 1 year to transpire. The past 3 years have been spent in limbo. For a while, the H tried to do the balancing act with both of us again, but we both harbored ill feelings for one another and this was a rocky road with a lot of conflict and jealousy, to say the least. I lost a lot of friends, he lost a lot of friends. Everyone seems to be on the W's side, but that's just because she's the only one who turned to other people and started telling her side of the story. So now the H and I look like the bad guys and she looks like the innocent. I cannot stress enough the amount of times I attempted to reconcile with this woman. I did not set out to steal her husband. I was as much in love with her as with him when it all began. But now, 4 years later, we pretty much hate each other. The H gave up trrying to balace between the two of us a abaout a year ago and it has been pretty much him and I since then. She still goes to all the family events with him because they, for whatever reason, want to keep up appearances, but their relationship has been platonic and stale. She, of course, wants to reconcile with him but only if he gets me out of the picture, which he ie unwilling to do. My life for the past 3 years has been a living hell. I am absolutely sure that this man is my soulmate or I would have left ages ago. I am he and he is me. We got evicted, by her, from our bedroom. Now I have to sleep on the couch and he has to sleep on the floor. She stays out until 2 in the morning almost every night and then comes home after we are asleep, then she gets up and leaves at 8 in the morning not to return until 2 a.m. I saw her sleeping in her car the other day, in a public parking lot. It broke my heart to see what this has turned into. It's a huge, horrible mess! Polyamory is a hard, hard thing to do. Please don't attempt it! I don't know of any situtions that have turned out good for al involved. UPDATE: She is finally talking about moving out! I don't want to sound too hopeful, as I am afraid it will never happen. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I will keep those interested updated. I would also like to hear of similar situations, if there is such a thing. Am I the only one who was ever in this situation? Peace, Aubrey
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 They need to divorce officially. If you and this guy want to be together, FIND your own place and leave her alone. Staying in house, well, someone is going to get hurt - Possibly do something stupid, if you know what I mean.. Bottomline, SHE is his wife, they said vows to eachother. Lifestyle choice or not, they STILL are husband and wife. You sure you "love" him and trust him?
quankanne Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 honey, I'm surprised you can see straight to even type out your story, that's a pretty heavy load y'all have! it sounds like things became uneven once you broke up with your boyfriend, in the wife's eyes: Y'all were evenly matched as couples, even though BF wasn't a part of a quad, so to bring it down to a true trio made a mismatch. And yeah, I can see how the wife would feel threatened by you "encroaching" on her relationship with her husband. Frankly, I'm surprised y'all stuck it out that long because it really does sound mentally painful. at this point, be prepared for her to play dirty, to paint your relationship with her husband as dirty and unseamy, while she was the innocent victim with no mention of her role in the trio.
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 Please tell me there's no kids in the mix.
Owl Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 This is another clear example of why polyamory rarely works in the "real world". Its rare to have three (or more) people who truly can 'balance' it all out. What happened is textbook...at first, she loved it. Then, jealousy set in. And everything went downhill from there. I don't have any advice on a good way for this to work out for all three of you, to be honest. I think it was pretty much set in stone that someone would be hurt from the very beginning...it just happened to be her in this case. I'm not judging you, or any of you. Don't take me wrong. If it COULD work out, I don't have anything against the concept. Unfortunately, its a lot like communism...its great on paper, but then human beings get involved and it never seems to work out like its supposed to. You'll see similar dynamics in the majority of "open marriage" attempts too.
2sure Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 Aubrey, You are in the unfortunate circumstance of being both villain and victim here! The couple obviously spent a lot of time reconciling themselves to a poly relationship before they committed to you. They decided this together and you accepted. But it was never really a true polyamorous relationship was it? If it could not be out in the open, it was a secret. A real relationship is just what you wanted - includes friends and family. Keeping you as the secret they shared their bed with, made you the Other Woman. It sounds like both you and the H have the same ideas regarding the relationship. But the wife was faking it. At this point, part of her must relaize she has brought this on herself. Most people cannot handle this type of relationship and it is not surprising that she turns out to be one of them. The H loves his wife. Does he feel a polyamorous relationship is something he envisions as a permanent part of his life? With a family? If so, then he and his wife's ideas of the future are not the same - they just arent cut from the same cloth. What about you? If you and the H end up together, will you eventually add another person and could you completely accept this third person - in front of family, friends, etc and in your heart share this man?
Author aubrey_25_99 Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 They need to divorce officially. If you and this guy want to be together, FIND your own place and leave her alone. Staying in house, well, someone is going to get hurt - Possibly do something stupid, if you know what I mean.. Bottomline, SHE is his wife, they said vows to eachother. Lifestyle choice or not, they STILL are husband and wife. You sure you "love" him and trust him? Thanks for your reply! I know it seems like the H and I should move out, but we do not live in "her" house or even "their" house. It is a house that the H's parents bought for him before he got married to the W. No matter who lives there, the house still belongs to his parents. It's not like their family home or anything. She is looking for apartments as we speak. I know that they said "vows" to eachother, but I was made promises, too. Those are not any less valid just because I don't have a peice of paper to prove they were spoken to me! He has told me several times that he wishes he werent married to her and describes their marriage as "just a piece of paper". They have begun talking about divorce recently. Yes, I am definately sure that I love him. If I did not really love hime, I would be gone ages ago, trust me. Only real love is worth this much agony. LOL.
Author aubrey_25_99 Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 honey, I'm surprised you can see straight to even type out your story, that's a pretty heavy load y'all have! it sounds like things became uneven once you broke up with your boyfriend, in the wife's eyes: Y'all were evenly matched as couples, even though BF wasn't a part of a quad, so to bring it down to a true trio made a mismatch. And yeah, I can see how the wife would feel threatened by you "encroaching" on her relationship with her husband. Frankly, I'm surprised y'all stuck it out that long because it really does sound mentally painful. at this point, be prepared for her to play dirty, to paint your relationship with her husband as dirty and unseamy, while she was the innocent victim with no mention of her role in the trio. You Betcha she's playing dirty. She is doing exactly what you have described here. She has a whole group of freinds that think I am Satan himself. The funny part is, this pehavior has actually been part of what drove her H away. He is not impressed by her behavior at all and has lost all romantic interest in her.
Author aubrey_25_99 Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 Please tell me there's no kids in the mix. No, No kids in th mix. Just us Dunder-headed grown-ups!
Author aubrey_25_99 Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 Aubrey, You are in the unfortunate circumstance of being both villain and victim here! The couple obviously spent a lot of time reconciling themselves to a poly relationship before they committed to you. They decided this together and you accepted. But it was never really a true polyamorous relationship was it? If it could not be out in the open, it was a secret. A real relationship is just what you wanted - includes friends and family. Keeping you as the secret they shared their bed with, made you the Other Woman. It sounds like both you and the H have the same ideas regarding the relationship. But the wife was faking it. At this point, part of her must relaize she has brought this on herself. Most people cannot handle this type of relationship and it is not surprising that she turns out to be one of them. The H loves his wife. Does he feel a polyamorous relationship is something he envisions as a permanent part of his life? With a family? If so, then he and his wife's ideas of the future are not the same - they just arent cut from the same cloth. What about you? If you and the H end up together, will you eventually add another person and could you completely accept this third person - in front of family, friends, etc and in your heart share this man? Yes, he "loves" his wife, but he is not "in love" with her. There is no passion left in their marriage. He has told both her and I this same thing. She is not happy about this, as you can imagine, and now she is looking to move out. As you so stated above, she has to know part of this is her fault. I would never presume to blame everything on her. As for the H and us, we are together now and I plan on staying with him. I think we are both pretty much done with polyamory alltogether so I don't think I'll have to worry about a third party. I was ready to share my love for the H & W with the world, so If I was ever in that position again I can't imagine having a problem with it.
GreenX Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 Sounds like you all have a lot on your plate for sure. I was wondering, when you stated that you wanted the relationship to be known to everyone and the wife was against this idea, how did the H feel? Did he too share your viewpoint or that of his wife?
lkjh Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 Wow, you are messed up if you honestly believe this guy wants to be just with you. You moved into this marriage while you had a boyfriend and then you take over her life. You really don't see why people picture you as the bad guy.
angie2443 Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 Honestly, it sounds like you all have a lot of growing up to do. Keep the kids out of the picture untill this happens, please.
Author aubrey_25_99 Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 Sounds like you all have a lot on your plate for sure. I was wondering, when you stated that you wanted the relationship to be known to everyone and the wife was against this idea, how did the H feel? Did he too share your viewpoint or that of his wife? He wanted to tell his freinds and family. It really wasn't that big of a secret to anyone who observed us, anyway. But his family took a while to catch on. Initially he was ready to tell everyone though. It was only when she balked at the idea that he said he would not do it. Unfortunately, instead of learning the truth through us, his parents have had to figure it out on their own and had a skewed and biased idea of what is going on. He has since told them how it was. Everything has changed over the past 3 weeks. He is tired of hiding and does not care anymore who he tells as long as it is the truth.
Author aubrey_25_99 Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 Wow, you are messed up if you honestly believe this guy wants to be just with you. You moved into this marriage while you had a boyfriend and then you take over her life. You really don't see why people picture you as the bad guy. You are wrong. I do see why ppl see me as the bad guy. But remember that she invited me into the marriage just like he did. She had to know what risks were involved. Like it or not, you cannot control human emotions. The H and I cannot simply stop loving eachother just because that's what she wants us to do. If you can figure out how to control emotions, let me know, we could get very rich.
Author aubrey_25_99 Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 Honestly, it sounds like you all have a lot of growing up to do. Keep the kids out of the picture untill this happens, please. So, you judge me, eh? Are you in a position to judge others? Decide for them that they have to grow up? Is your life perfect? Have you ever done anything crazy for love?
Owl Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 You are wrong. I do see why ppl see me as the bad guy. But remember that she invited me into the marriage just like he did. She had to know what risks were involved. Like it or not, you cannot control human emotions. The H and I cannot simply stop loving eachother just because that's what she wants us to do. If you can figure out how to control emotions, let me know, we could get very rich. Remember...she invited you in to become an EQUAL PARTNER. Eventually things changed to where you no longer were an EQUAL...your relationship with him took dominance over her relationship with him. This almost always happens in ANY kind of relationship with more than two people. The mistake here was that none of you considered this as a possible consequence. As far as "loving each other"...you may not control how you FEEL...but you CAN control your ACTIONS. Whether or not you choose to actively pursue those emotions IS in your control. Again...I'm not condemning you here...but I hate it when people try to say that "it just happened". That's a copout. You saw it happening, but intentionally pursued it. Own that.
Author aubrey_25_99 Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 You are wrong. I do see why ppl see me as the bad guy. But remember that she invited me into the marriage just like he did. She had to know what risks were involved. Like it or not, you cannot control human emotions. The H and I cannot simply stop loving eachother just because that's what she wants us to do. If you can figure out how to control emotions, let me know, we could get very rich. BTW - Did you even read my original post? I hardly took over her life. She gave me a life, a home, a relationship, etc. and then she tried to take it away from me. I do not understand why marriage is an automatic qualifier for the W to have more rights than any other person involved in a situation like mine. As I have said, I was made promises, too. They are just as valid. That, and senority does not work with love. You love who you love, not whomever came along first. Also, Please read up on the politics of polyamory before you continue to chide me for having a boyfriend and accepting an invitation into the marriage of two ppl I care about very much.
Author aubrey_25_99 Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 Remember...she invited you in to become an EQUAL PARTNER. Eventually things changed to where you no longer were an EQUAL...your relationship with him took dominance over her relationship with him. This almost always happens in ANY kind of relationship with more than two people. The mistake here was that none of you considered this as a possible consequence. As far as "loving each other"...you may not control how you FEEL...but you CAN control your ACTIONS. Whether or not you choose to actively pursue those emotions IS in your control. Again...I'm not condemning you here...but I hate it when people try to say that "it just happened". That's a copout. You saw it happening, but intentionally pursued it. Own that. When you meet your soul mate you wll do anything to keep them.
Author aubrey_25_99 Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 When you meet your soul mate you wll do anything to keep them. It's not like I tied the H to a chair and forced him to stay with me. This was part his decision, you know.
Owl Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 When you meet your soul mate you wll do anything to keep them. If that's the case, set his wife up for a false charge, and have her arrested. Hire a hit man. Have her "removed" from the situation. I'm thinking that there ARE limits here... And...did you know he was your soulmate when you agreed to share him with her? Was SHE also your soulmate? If not...then this was bound to happen from the very beginning, no?
angie2443 Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 So, you judge me, eh? Are you in a position to judge others? Decide for them that they have to grow up? Is your life perfect? Have you ever done anything crazy for love? Yes, when I was a kid!
Author aubrey_25_99 Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 Hard to say. When this all began I was very much in love with her, but I think she was just infatuated with me and when that faded was when the trouble began. If she had felt the same way for me as I did for her, none of this would have happened. It's painful to discuss this because she hurt me very much and she hurt her H very much. This was not a situation where I swooped in a took her man. LOL. It was very long and painful. A hit man is not really my style LMAO, but she did try to have me arrested once. It was on false charges so she had to pay $100 fine. Last month she tried to have me evicted, but it's not her house so that did not work either.
Author aubrey_25_99 Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 Yes, when I was a kid! I see you skirted my first 4 questions.... I guess I proved my point. Stop wasting my time if you are not here to have a rational discussion. I did not sign on to this forum to be berated by those who would sit in judgement over others.
Author aubrey_25_99 Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 If that's the case, set his wife up for a false charge, and have her arrested. Hire a hit man. Have her "removed" from the situation. I'm thinking that there ARE limits here... And...did you know he was your soulmate when you agreed to share him with her? Was SHE also your soulmate? If not...then this was bound to happen from the very beginning, no? I was not simply sharing a man with her, she was also my lover. Yes, If I had my way, we would still be a trio. There is no contest. It was great while it worked. We could have accomplished anything together. Besides, anything would have been better than the hell I have lived through over the past 3 years. I don't want any harm to come of her. I wish her all the best. Everyone assumes that I "hate" her. I don't, I just hate the things she has done!
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