nik2k386 Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 I don't know what to do here. It's an impossible situation as far as I can tell. The girl I've been dating for a few months broke up with me yesterday. And not because we had any sort of argument or disagreement. In fact we're perfect for each other. She had to do it because her grandparents would not approve of her dating someone who is half black. And her grandparents would cut off contact with her and her parents if they found out. They did it already with her uncle who is dating someone 15 years older. They're incredibly racist and stuck in their ways. So there was pressure from her family to break it off, to save the family. My presence would apparently rip the family apart, and she couldn't justify doing that because of everything else they've done for her. So we broke up. And then she told me that she loved me. And hopefully in a few years, the situation might be different, she''l be financially secure and we could do it anyway. But until then we need to see if we can find other people. But because we love each other, she wanted to make sure we can still be friends, and that we see each other at least once a week. We're incredibly like-minded and I couldn't just stop seeing her. And we realize that that could be a problem. We love each other but can't be together in a relationship yet. But we can't stop seeing each other because we love each other. And when we do see each other it has to be platonic for the forseeable future. I'm going over her house Sunday to practice the guitar.... It's not a regular breakup where either of us did anything wrong. We just can't be together because her family sucks. So, it's been rough. Because we both feel like we should be together.
Geishawhelk Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 Sorry, how old are you both....? You could point out that you are also half-white..... Would it be ok if she dated that half? Sorry.....Just kidding. But I find people like this infuriating. To think that they really believe they have the right to impose such conditions on someone... talk about emotional blackmail. I'd keep dating in secret. Really, i would. A fiend of mine, may years ago (and we're talking about 30 years ago here!) continued dating her BF inspite of family opposition. They made it through their school years and are noiw very happily married. They just got a good mutual (white male) friend to pose as her BF, come pick her up from home, bring her back... really good friend! he was best man at their wedding.... I can't bear stuff like this. it makes me want to heave......
Author nik2k386 Posted October 7, 2008 Author Posted October 7, 2008 We're both 22. I'm finishing college in May. She finished last semester. She's hoping to do some volunteer work out of the country for a few months. She'll get a job when she comes back and then hopefully either of us will get an apartment. I don't know. She's really close with her parents, so they'd know if she was hiding something. I wish that plan would work, I doubt it though. They knew everything about me before I met them. I don't know if I can get over her if I see her all the time. But I can't just stop seeing her. And she sets the bar pretty high, so I'm worried that others will pale in comparison. I told her I would be jealous if she started seeing someone, and she said the same thing about me, but we have to try it I guess.
Geishawhelk Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 Hang on... you mention her grandparents are being the manipulative ones, but then you say her parents know you too well.... Who's laying down the law here? Parents or grandparents? And if it's the G/Parents, are the parents of the same opinion - or just running scared?
jibajuice Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 Hey nik, I'm really sorry to hear about that. I'm going through a similar situation (my thread is only a few posts down), and it just amazes me how adamant some people are to cling to old beliefs/values when the times/circumstances have changed. Sure it's admirable to preserve some aspects of the past and respect traditions, but it just gets ridiculous. I still think that it's ultimately her choice to make on whether or not to stay together, no matter how huge the family issue is. If she can feel that she'll be happy with you in the long run, live together, get married, have kids, and be happier with you more than anyone else, then I she may decide to stay with you over family. But I'm not sure, I'm still waiting on my ex to make the same decision. Good luck!
Author nik2k386 Posted October 7, 2008 Author Posted October 7, 2008 The parents actually like me and think I'm very nice, but they know that the grandparents will cut off all contact and make everyone's lives hard. So they're running scared and pressuring their daughter to cut it off. Not because they are racist, because they're worried about the state of the family.
Author nik2k386 Posted October 7, 2008 Author Posted October 7, 2008 Hey nik, I'm really sorry to hear about that. I'm going through a similar situation (my thread is only a few posts down), and it just amazes me how adamant some people are to cling to old beliefs/values when the times/circumstances have changed. Sure it's admirable to preserve some aspects of the past and respect traditions, but it just gets ridiculous. I still think that it's ultimately her choice to make on whether or not to stay together, no matter how huge the family issue is. If she can feel that she'll be happy with you in the long run, live together, get married, have kids, and be happier with you more than anyone else, then I she may decide to stay with you over family. But I'm not sure, I'm still waiting on my ex to make the same decision. Good luck! Thanks, our situations are very similar. We're trying to have the same "hang out or talk once a week rule". I hope that I won't feel like I'm being strung along like you mentioned. That would be very difficult, and is one of my main concerns. I need to find someone else pronto, so I can hang out with her and not feel completely attracted to her. I just don't want to right now, because obviously I love her.
Geishawhelk Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 The parents actually like me and think I'm very nice, but they know that the grandparents will cut off all contact and make everyone's lives hard. So they're running scared and pressuring their daughter to cut it off. Not because they are racist, because they're worried about the state of the family. This is ludicrous. The Grandparents can't be that young any more. And you're telling me two adults, with enough common sense and social values to bring up a well-adjusted, socially bright and educated daughter, are still kow-towing to two elderly bigots? Something just doesn't add up. I would enlist their help, and get their permission to keep dating their daughter, but to keep it concealed from the GParents.... I don't believe this is still going on!
Author nik2k386 Posted October 7, 2008 Author Posted October 7, 2008 That's what I've been lead to believe, and in addition to that I've heard that they think that if we got married or it got very serious, that her life would be hard because society wouldn't accept us. So while they like me as a person, and they've been very nice to me they're worried about 1. The family 2. Their daughter having a difficult life. Which is ironic, because all they're doing is making things difficult.
Recommended Posts