crimsonrose Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 So ive always been really clingy and emotional. not dysfunctionally (i hope XD) but i get sad when my fiance goes out for more than a few hours because i cant be with him, and i cant go a night without webcamming him because im so used to it now. but since i got back from visitng him 2 weeks ago, im getting better but im still really depressed and missing him, and having trouble adjusting back to life in america. and he still seems fine. he jsut keeps saying "get a job, earn money for tickets to see me again, and we'll have two months together. alls well". and i know all of this is true, but i cant help but feel silly when i sob randomly because he said something sweet and i couldnt be in his arms while he said it, and hes just kinda going, "i miss you too but why are you so sad?" does anyone else have this? your SO seeming to be alot more ok with the distance than you? i know he loves me. otherwise he wouldnt be coming home from work, eating, then webcamming me until he sleeps every single night when hes got family begging him to go clubbing and go to stripclubs with them. i KNOW im very privelaged to have a guy do all that for me. i just dont understand how he can be so ok with not having me with him? im hoping its just a guy thing, and hes too busy to be too hurt right now. but because i dont have much to do at home but finish up the last couple of subjects in school that i have left, and try to find work in a place where i get discriminated agianst alot because im white, i just want to be back with him. i think half the problem is that im the one that has to have the wacky sleeping scheduel or else we couldnt talk, and im the one gearing up to have to leave my family and my own culture in july, and all hes got to do is stick to his scheduel and wait for me. still though, does anyone else have lovers who seem to be handling everythign alot better than you are?
Eilonwy Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 To answer your last question: Yes. My boyfriend is much like your fiance in that way. While I'm extremely sad for weeks each time after a visit, he doesn't really show any sadness. Sure, if I ask him, he'll say that he misses me too. But only once did he mention it without me asking. And I randomly have moments where I miss him so much I start crying, too! He doesn't seem to mind that much. He told me he is just not as emotional as I am, doesn't show his feelings as much, and is just doing other things when we're not talking, so that he doesn't actually get much time to become sad over it. Like you, I'm sure he loves me, too. He is investing a lot of time and effort into our relationship. Sometimes I'm sad because he doesn't seem to miss me much while I miss him terribly, but I think it really is mostly just a guy thing.
Author crimsonrose Posted October 7, 2008 Author Posted October 7, 2008 To answer your last question: Yes. My boyfriend is much like your fiance in that way. While I'm extremely sad for weeks each time after a visit, he doesn't really show any sadness. Sure, if I ask him, he'll say that he misses me too. But only once did he mention it without me asking. And I randomly have moments where I miss him so much I start crying, too! He doesn't seem to mind that much. He told me he is just not as emotional as I am, doesn't show his feelings as much, and is just doing other things when we're not talking, so that he doesn't actually get much time to become sad over it. Like you, I'm sure he loves me, too. He is investing a lot of time and effort into our relationship. Sometimes I'm sad because he doesn't seem to miss me much while I miss him terribly, but I think it really is mostly just a guy thing. Ah thank God. That made me feel better. Lol. A few nights ago he was like "baby, you're so obsessed with me". He was teasing and said it all cocky and cute, but it's made me so self conscious! I dunno. And yeah, my fiance gets like that too. He has games and animes and chibi guy stuff to do if I'm busy or he's too bored to only talk to me. While when I'm sad cuz I'm missing him, I have NO idea what to do. Trying to think of movies to downlaod and watch atm but i'm not having too much luck.
Ronni_W Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 So ive always been really clingy and emotional. not dysfunctionally (i hope XD) but i get sad when my fiance goes out for more than a few hours Hi Crimson. Unfortunately, clinginess IS dysfunctional and always having too-strong, negative emotional reactions when others are just trying to live their own lives as best they can IS dysfunctional, as well. There isn't a way for these types of emotional reactions to be anything other than maladaptive coping strategies. Well-functioning adults can get along just fine by themselves, for extended periods of time. They have learned how to create meaning and purpose in their own life, how to keep themselves busy and happy when they are by themselves, how to entertain their own minds and nourish their own hearts. If you don't learn how to do that for yourself, then you will end up putting a lot of strain and drain on your romantic partner -- your happiness and enjoyment of life will be a HUGE burden on his shoulders, and it will get exhausting for him to do his own life plus try to do a big chunk of yours. It's not that he is necessarily okay with the distance, it's more that he is okay with who he is, and doesn't mind spending time with "that person" (himself), away from you. Who do you need to be and what do you need to be doing, in order for you to not mind spending time with yourself, away from him?
Author crimsonrose Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 Hi Crimson. Unfortunately, clinginess IS dysfunctional and always having too-strong, negative emotional reactions when others are just trying to live their own lives as best they can IS dysfunctional, as well. There isn't a way for these types of emotional reactions to be anything other than maladaptive coping strategies. Well-functioning adults can get along just fine by themselves, for extended periods of time. They have learned how to create meaning and purpose in their own life, how to keep themselves busy and happy when they are by themselves, how to entertain their own minds and nourish their own hearts. If you don't learn how to do that for yourself, then you will end up putting a lot of strain and drain on your romantic partner -- your happiness and enjoyment of life will be a HUGE burden on his shoulders, and it will get exhausting for him to do his own life plus try to do a big chunk of yours. It's not that he is necessarily okay with the distance, it's more that he is okay with who he is, and doesn't mind spending time with "that person" (himself), away from you. Who do you need to be and what do you need to be doing, in order for you to not mind spending time with yourself, away from him? Thank you for the advice honey, but I actually know who I am the best I can. I'm getting over the depression of not being with him irl anymore for a few months, so I'm now watching movies I enjoy and reading books I love like I did before our visit. In the past HE was the clingy one and his girlfriends ignored him completely until they needed him. He's simply gotten used to not having to try to get me to be with him as much as possibel because im already very clearly willing. I am comfortable with being alone by myself I wasn't like this in my last relationship, where we could actually see each other IRL more than 2 bloody times a year. I think distance just tends to make females alot more emotional than they would be under normal circumstances. Especially when you're engaged, and the person you're missing is THIS CLOSE to being your other half. It does make you feel incomplete in many ways. That's all. He says, hoenst to God, that he enjoys that I need him very much, and that he needs me too. I was jsut wondering if anybody else has SOs who rarely show that they miss them.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 I agree with Ronni 100%. I don't think he's kidding; you ARE obsessed with him. That's unhealthy. He can function without you, but you cannot function without him. That sort of one-sided dependencey doesn't usually work out well.
strongertoday Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 Some people are loners and used to being alone...some are not.... I personally think your guy is amazing for making sure he is there for you to chat with.... Men are fixers...if there is a problem they fix if they can then forget...I bet he misses you heaps but knows he cant fix it right now so pushes it to the back of his mind..... Women are so much more in tune with their emotions....we sympathise with our friends, talk out problems, even if we cant fix it we feel better talking about it (or crying about it as the case may be) Ronnie...I have to disagree....I have meaning and purpose, I work, have kids, hobbies, socialise and all that stuff...and I hate being alone....I hate not having any contact from him for 24 hours.... BUT credit to my man, he probably doesnt need daily contact, but he does it cause he knows it means the world to me......When my man goes out, I usually get a text saying he wishes he was home chatting to me Crimson.....I know you will get back on track....it is hard when you have just been in their arms and had them 100% of the time to cut down to a few hours....Hang in hun...You are a tough young lady
Ronni_W Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 I have meaning and purpose, I work, have kids, hobbies, socialise and all that stuff...and I hate being alone....I hate not having any contact from him for 24 hours.... Sure. But, when he has to be away, do you become "clingy and emotional"? Do you give in to moping about feeling "sad" and depressed? Or do you carry on as best you can without all the dramatics, and just accept the reality that he is not there, for whatever reason? To me, having the self-awareness that you prefer it when he is around, is terrific. But going all dysfunctional when he is not is, well, dysfunctional.
Author crimsonrose Posted October 9, 2008 Author Posted October 9, 2008 Some people are loners and used to being alone...some are not.... I personally think your guy is amazing for making sure he is there for you to chat with.... Men are fixers...if there is a problem they fix if they can then forget...I bet he misses you heaps but knows he cant fix it right now so pushes it to the back of his mind..... Women are so much more in tune with their emotions....we sympathise with our friends, talk out problems, even if we cant fix it we feel better talking about it (or crying about it as the case may be) Ronnie...I have to disagree....I have meaning and purpose, I work, have kids, hobbies, socialise and all that stuff...and I hate being alone....I hate not having any contact from him for 24 hours.... BUT credit to my man, he probably doesnt need daily contact, but he does it cause he knows it means the world to me......When my man goes out, I usually get a text saying he wishes he was home chatting to me Crimson.....I know you will get back on track....it is hard when you have just been in their arms and had them 100% of the time to cut down to a few hours....Hang in hun...You are a tough young lady Aw! Thank you so much. That made my day and made me feel alot better. I'm the same way. I have my own interests. I have things I could be doing (not alot, because this relationship has drained many things I used to have, but still) and I would just rather be with him. On webcam. Starting at the bedroom i hope to be in within a few months. I've hoenstly asked him "handsome would you like me to let up a bit? Do you want me to call you less or sleep at night more often so you can have alone time or anything". And he always says no. He says he loves how much I need him (in a masculine way, not in a creepy user way). I think he jsut gets used to not having to pursue me cuz I'm right there, but he likes it that way? Less work for the poor thing. lol.
Author crimsonrose Posted October 9, 2008 Author Posted October 9, 2008 Sure. But, when he has to be away, do you become "clingy and emotional"? Do you give in to moping about feeling "sad" and depressed? Or do you carry on as best you can without all the dramatics, and just accept the reality that he is not there, for whatever reason? To me, having the self-awareness that you prefer it when he is around, is terrific. But going all dysfunctional when he is not is, well, dysfunctional. No ones getting dysfunctional silly. lol. Its just guys can compartmentalize. You miss your SO? No problem. You can shove it away until you feel like dealing with it. And men are also just generally emotionally stronger. You're made that way. When females feel sad, we have to feel it then or it messes us up. If our SO is away for a day, and we can't be there with them, yeah, we're probably gonna get sad. Not hysterical, sobbing about the house like the Apocalypse has come. Just sad because we're cut off from our men for the next few hours, and theres nothing we can do about it. This thread really isnt about if I'm functional or not, but thank you for the advice anyways. I'm just asking if anyone else on here feels like they are alot more emotional about missing their SO than that said SO seems to be.
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