Did he ever really like me? OR was i just used?

[sunshine2008]

Please if anybody can give me advice or help i would be truely grateful, i am in such a mess!!

 

This all started May this year, i had split up with my long term boyfriend and fiance of 8 and a half years. I was on a night out withte girls when i bumped in to my ex who started having a go at me pulling me away from my friends. I got extremely upset and left to go to a pub near my house where i thought some of my other friends and family were drinking. When i arrived at the pub after a 20 min walk in the rain i didn't look the best and by that time i was very emotional. As i walked into the pub grounds one of my ex-boyfriends friends came over to meet me, gave me a big hug and asked was i ok.

 

At the end of the night as everyone was leaving it was only me and him left in the smoking shelter outside, we talked for ages about our relationships as he had just split up with his girlfriend. When i was with my ex the four of us used to go out together so we were quite good friends. He had his car at the pub and although he had been drinking alcohol i still got in it with him to have a lift home . When we got to my house i was still very upset and i was crying, he asked me to go back to his to continue our chat, so not thinking anything into it i went with him. We continued drinking into the early hours and i ended up going to bed and having sex with him. In the morning when i woke up i couldn't believe what i had done not only to my ex, but to his ex-girlfriend. He took me home that morning and dropped me off at work where i paniced all day!! That eveneing i was on pins thinking that someone would find out and what a bad thing i had done. He called me and came to meet up with me to talk about what we had done the night before. We agreed that it was a drunken mistake and nothing was going to happen as he was going to try and get back with his girlfriend. So that was that.

 

Two days later he called me whilst i was at work, we talked as friends about all of our relationship problems and we really just gave good advice to one another. He had arged with his ex and thought it was unlikely that they would be getting back. I knew that i and my ex were over for good. I met up with him every night for the next two weeks and we talked for hours on the phone throughout the days, he made me feel so loved and so special. I felt like was 14 again, and i had butterflies in my tummy every time i heard his voice. He was such a good listener and i felt i could tell him everything. I ended up having sex with him several times after, and it made me feel so good, totally taking my mind off all of the arguements i was currently having with my ex. It was a secret, nobody knew anything and it was all so exciting.

 

He however was still in contact with his ex and he still wanted her, although he said he wanted me too he said for times sake and commitments he had to give it another go with her. I went on holidays with friends and he said that we were not going to see eachother after i returned. I dealt with this because from the beginning we said nothing could or would come out of us being together as it would be too awkward.

 

Whist i was on holidays he text and phoned me everyday, i suppose i was getting mixed messages because part of me thought he really did want me?? When i returned we met up for one last time. I was upset leaving him that night because i knew he was going back to his girlfriend. The next day in work i was very miserable, i felt lost all i wanted was for him to call or text- which he always did every hour in the weeks before. At the end of that day, unnexpectidly i had a huge bouquet of white roses deleivered to my work, with love hearts and diamonds inside the roses. Everyone was commenting saying your so lucky etc etc. On the card there was a message 'keep smiling'. I went from feeling so low to up in the clouds away with the fairies again. I met him several times after this, he even took me back to his house even though i knew it was so wrong it felt so right when i was with him.

 

We see eachother regularly out and about where we live and he still calls me everyday just for a chat. He is like a best friend i tell him all my problems but i really dont understand why he can't let me go. The last time we met was in July but we still think of each other everyday. Have i been used, or did he like me? I would never want to be someones secret because i have more value for myself, that is why we ended it then. But part of me thinks do i love him? Would i want to be with him if i actually had that choice? I am so confused, please help!!! There is nobody i can talk to xxxxx

[mytruelove]

welcome!!! gosh, i really don't know where to start.

 

i too am "friends" with someone that has a girlfriend at the moment. i know where you are coming from. i know how much it can hurt and the possible heartbreak.

 

i was friends with mine for 9 years before we became intimate. it's a long story. you could read some of my threads.

 

the dynamics in our relationship are hopefully changing right now, hopefully for the better.

 

have you outright asked him any of the questions above? you seem to have good communication with him. how about just telling him EXACTLY how you feel? i know i never hesitate to tell mine how i feel. i've been able to tell him that and so far it has been okay. i know it is scary to open up, but sounds like you might need to express some of this to him.

 

i'm a wear my heart on my sleeve kinda girl...when it feels safe.

 

i think the trick is knowing yourself well enough to trust yourself. guard your heart. take care of yourself.

 

i would not put all your eggs in this basket if i were you. the not knowing what they will do or how it will end up is the worst. the best advice i can give is do do do for yourself.

 

it seems you want more out of this relationship as well as i do. stand up for that. a wise person on here told me to put the same requirements on my relationship as i would with someone that was single. i'm trying to do that more now.

 

love yourself first and formost!!!

 

just my two cents - nice to meet you here if you need support.

[sunshine2008]

Thank you, that is some good advice!!

I have expressed to him how i feel and i even told im i think i have fallen for him, he said nothing back. He has said that he is sorry and he doesn't want to hurt me. I have tried to move on and i have even told him about dates that i have been on and when i tell him he gets sort of jealous and distant although there is nothing physical actually happening between us.

 

But the guys i have dated since dont make me feel the way he does. He is still so nice to me, i can't move on fully as he still calls and texts everyday. I have asked him why, and he says its because he likes to know im alright and he loves talking to me. But this isn't normal is it surely?? What does he want from me?

[mytruelove]

do i know where you are coming from! the classic hook.

 

sounds to me like he doesn't want to let you go, BUT he doesn't want to let her go either. the eternal struggle...been dealing with it for a year here hon.

 

and the jealousy, oh boy, got that here too.

 

it is frustrating. when i try to break away, or if it seems as if i am going distant, or he does something that he knows will push me away...he then does something to keep me and hold onto me.

 

maybe you need to take a break from him? tell him you need some time away? for your OWN mental sanity. we went no contact for a month one time and it was for the best. we never do it without talking about it though and with established time periods.

 

when things come to a boiling point in my relationship that is what we have done, although i have to say breaking away gets harder with time.

 

right now you are always there. have you ever tried NOT being there? becoming very busy? this is what i have to do too, so when i'm talking to you i'm giving myself the same advice i need to follow myself -LOL!!!

 

the little background on my relationship is, instant chemisty and attaction the minute i met him...it was love at first sight -literally. through the years we have been each others support, BUT have never been completely "available" for each other. he was married and had a child in the marriage. he was in a relationship, had another child. i was in a relationship. i was married (even though he told me not too). i saw him through breakup, divorce, he's been there for me.

 

last year, we finally shared how we really felt for each other, BUT he has a girlfriend that lives with him-she has kids too. he's "not sure" about that relationship. he stays out of fear.

 

we fought a physical relationship for a year, but then couldn't any longer. we were both really scared that it would change our "friendship". it has not been easy. we are working through it.

 

it has come to a point were we both know that we cannot continue the way we are. i told him i could not have sex with him any longer while there is still someone else. he was upset, but it hurts way too much to love him the way i do and send him home to someone else.

 

we're trying to figure where to go from here. right now, he has come to the realization that he only has so much time in life and things have to change.

 

so, i believe he knows he has to make a choice, me or her. it is putting pressure on him and he has a lot on his mind, but this is what needs to be done. i'm trying to give him space to do this, while at the same time, reassuring him of how i feel for him.

 

i'm so hoping and praying he will make the right choice.

 

i don't think you have anything to lose by going no contact for a while with him, after explaining why and how long...it might just be the push he needs and give him time to MISS you!!!

 

i know the thought of being using is horrifying...only one way to find out...pull back and see how he reacts and take things slow.

 

only do what you feel you can do and still be okay.

 

this is what i'm trying at least -lol!!!

[taylor]

You used each other. You were both hurting from broken relationships and you made each other feel better.

 

But you are not in the same place he is. You and your ex are done. He and his girlfriend are still trying to work things out.

 

He considers you a very good friend. Someone he can talk to about his problems. Someone who can lift his spirits and give him a little boost of self-esteem when he needs it. He enjoys your company.

 

But he is choosing to stay in the relationship with his girlfriend. He isn't married to her so if he wanted to be with you, he could be, very easily. But he isn't doing this.

 

You are vulnerable and emotional right now. So is he. That's why he keeps calling you. He really shouldn't be, especially now that he knows you have feelings for him that he can't return.

 

If you continue to be this man's relationship mentor you are just going to get your heart broken. He isn't going to "repay" you for your help by becoming your boyfriend. More than likely, in the end, he will just send you another bouquet of flowers with a thank you card.

 

Protect your heart. Tell him you need to distance yourself from him because your feelings for him are too strong. Tell him he needs to stop calling you because he is leading you on and that's not fair to you. Tell him you can no longer help him with his relationship problems. Tell him to respect your wishes.

 

Allow this man to solve his relationship problems with his girlfriend on his own. He has male friends and family who he can talk to.

 

If things work out between them, you won't walk away with a broken heart. If things don't work out between them, he knows where to find you.

 

Keep dating available men. It will take awhile to feel right. Give it time.

[mytruelove]

just wanted to say thanks

[sunshine2008]

That is great advice, really appreciate it. Because none of my friends know anything it is really hard for me. I sometimes look at it from an outsider and i think what i would say to someone in my position. I would probably tell them to stop being so stupid and wake-up. He has never said he wants me but everything he does and his actions makes me believe something is there. I know he has a very bad relationship with his girlfriend and i cannot see it lasting, they argue daily, he doesn't get home from work till 9/10ish at night and he spends the majority of his free time with his friends. But yet whe they are out together they pretend to be such a happy perfect little couple, when i know that is far from the thruth.

 

I need to start saying to myself would i want to be in her shoes? And the answer would be 'no'. I would expect much more from a relationship. I don't think we could ever be together anyway as i wouldn't be able to trust knowing what he was doing to his girlfriend with me!

 

You are so very true i do need to distance myself, and move on i think!! Who knows what the future will bring but i dont feel i can wait, although we have a very special connection. I just hope i will meet someone else who will give me the same butterflies in the tummy and that i actually want and enjoy spending time with.

[mytruelove]

yeah, i know the butterflies, still get them after 10 years and seeing this guy start to turn grey. i don't see having this kinda passion with anyone else either...that's something i don't know if i can leave.

 

a big theme that has helped me here is that sometimes you need to take a stand for less short term for more long term - read some of my threads.

 

there has been MANY times in my relationship that i absolutely thought it was over, but somehow, it comes back stronger than before.

 

have faith and trust!!!

 

it takes courage and strength...i'm here to listen and support, even if you just need to vent.

 

today, i'm taking a stand as my guy was kinda wishy washy and distant about getting together. he said to come tonight, but a friend is going to be there and we would have to pretend because this friend doesn't know about us and i don't like that...so, i'm not showing up tonight...not until he can introduce me -KWIM? if fact, he's not even getting a phone call today letting him know i'm not coming or why...he's a smart guy, he should be able to get the message.

[sunshine2008]

I need to pluck up the courage to put a line through the phone calls, cause i feel like i hand off of his every word and deep down i know nothing is going to happen. I feel like i turn into a silly school girl when he phones, i think i need to end it for my own self value and respect!! Although we do have a very good friendship i think we are way too familiar with eachother than just friends. Its not going to work, plus i wouldn't want his gf to find out about us through phone calls and text messages. I am starting to see straight, thanks xx

[mytruelove]

you said your gut tells you nothing is going to come of it. trust your gut and your heart. if you do decide to take some time away from him i can tell you that you will come back with a much clearer perspective of what exactly your relationship with him is and how you feel about it. i don't see any harm in it at all. i don't think you have anything to lose.

 

my gut and my heart still tell me that something more will come of my relationship. it's harder for me now to go no contact - a lot more feelings are involved and i miss him horribly.

 

self respect is certainly something to be preserved. i know i wish i was just a little firmer in this relationship, once the can of worms is open you can't put them back in-you just have to deal with them. no going back. when you take the relationship to the next level it definitely changes things.

 

don't worry i'm a school girl here too i don't think there is anything wrong with that.

 

how long have you known him may i ask? what is the background on your relationship?

[sunshine2008]

Gosh i have known him for about 10 years now. He was my 'boyfriend' for about a week when we were in our teens.

 

I then started going out with my ex and our relationship was just a friendship, i suppose i have always been attracted to him but i was faithful to my ex and i never thought of him in any other way other than my ex's friend. I just feel i have had the craziest summer of my life with my emotions all over the place. Dont want to be feeling these things and i do have a lot of respect for him, i have always said to him i want him to be happy.

[mytruelove]

wow, you've known yours as long as i've known mine.

 

it has been a crazy summer - that's for sure.

 

take some time to get your emotions in order. i know myself right now i feel at my wits end. i'm pretty irritated by some stuff right now. when i feel the emotions coming on i try to just wait them out until i can act in a more calm easy going way.

 

when i'm experiencing raw emotions (which is a lot lately!) i try to let them pass to get at the real feeling, thoughts, and act on that-allow myself to be true to myself- and then i can express that to others with feeling messages.

 

don't know if any of that makes sense, but... i