I am such a bad person!!!

[sunshine2008]

Please if anybody can give me advice or help i would be truely grateful, i am in such a mess!!

 

This all started May this year, i had split up with my long term boyfriend and fiance or 8 and a half years. I was on a night out withte girls when i bumped in to my ex who started having a go at me pulling me away from my friends. I got extremely upset and left to go to a pub near my house where i thought some of my other friends and family were drinking. When i arrived at the pub after a 20 min walk in the rain i didn't look the best and by that time i was very emotional. As i walked into the pub grounds one of my boyfriends friends came over to meet me, gave me a big hug and asked was i ok.

 

At the end of the night as everyone was leaving it was only me and him left in the smoking shelter outside, we talked for ages about our relationships as he had just split up with his girlfriend. When i was with my ex the four of us used to go out together so we were quite good friends. He had his car at the pub and although he had been drinking alcohol i still got in it with him to have a lift home . When we got to my house i was still very upset and i was crying, he asked me to go back to his to continue our chat, so not thinking anything into it i went with him. We continued drinking into the early hours and i ended up going to bed and having sex with him. In the morning when i woke up i couldn't believe what i had done not only to my ex, but to his ex-girlfriend. He took me home that morning and dropped me off at work where i paniced all day!! That eveneing i was on pins thinking that someone would find out and what a bad thing i had done. He called me and came to meet up with me to talk about what we had done the night before. We agreed that it was a drunken mistake and nothing was going to happen as he was going to try and get back with his girlfriend. So that was that.

 

Two days later he called me whilst i was at work, we talked as friends about all of our relationship problems and we really just gave good advice to one another. He had arged with his ex and thought it was unlikely that they would be getting back. I knew that i and my ex were over for good. I met up with him every night for the next two weeks and we talked for hours on the phone throughout the days, he made me feel so loved and so special. I felt like was 14 again, and i had butterflies in my tummy every time i heard his voice. He was such a good listener and i felt i could tell him everything. I ended up having sex with him several times after, and it made me feel so good, totally taking my mind off all of the arguements i was currently having with my ex. It was a secret, nobody knew anything and it was all so exciting.

 

He however was still in contact with his ex and he still wanted her, although he said he wanted me too he said for times sake and commitments he had to give it another go with her. I went on holidays with friends and he said that we were not going to see eachother after i returned. I dealt with this because from the beginning we said nothing could or would come out of us being together as it would be too awkward.

 

Whist i was on holidays he text and phoned me everyday, i suppose i was getting mixed messages because part of me thought he really did want me?? When i returned we met up for one last time. I was upset leaving him that night because i knew he was going back to his girlfriend. The next day in work i was very miserable, i felt lost all i wanted was for him to call or text- which he always did every hour. At the end of the day i had a huge bouquet of white roses, with love hearts and diamonds inside the roses. On the card there was a message 'keep smiling'. I went from feeling so low to up in the clouds away with the fairies again. I met him several times after this, he even took me back to his house even though i knew it was so wrong it felt so right when i was with him.

 

We see eachother regularly out and about where we live and he still calls me everyday just for a chat. He is like a best friend i tell him all my problems but i really dont understand why he can't let me go. The last time we met was in July but we still think of each other everyday. Have i been used, or did he like me? I would never want to be someones secret because i have more value for myself, that is why we ended it then. But part of me thinks do i love him? Would i want to be with him if i actually had that choice? I am so confused, please help!!! There is nobody i can talk to xxxxx

[BestEffort]

I dont necessarily think that you were used. However you were both in a tight spot, and probably used eachother to a certain degree. It is somewhat suspect that he asked you back to his place that first night knowing your current state, but you agreed. Unless there is specifically some reason why his place was better to talk, you both knew where this was going.

 

I dont think you should worry about being with someone your ex used to know. However you should evaluate your relationship with his ex, as that may be more important to you than this potentially new relaitonship with the new guy. If his ex is one of your best friends, than you may have created a problem, and you need to decide whats most important.

 

I think a postive indicator is how much you two talked over the following months. Keep in mind why you enjoyed being with him. Would he/the relationship have met your standards if you had not met him in such an emotionally needy place? You said it felt so right, but did it feel right just being with someone again, or being with him.

 

I would be somewhat concerned with the way he has gone back and forth about you and staying close with his ex. While you may be good for eachother, he could easily be taking advantage of the situation and still trying to fool around with her, you, and anyone else he can. Before moving forward I would definitely try to find out if he is still close with his ex.

 

I think a big part depends on how much you value your relationship with his ex. If you think you are meant to be, you ex doesnt matter, but personally I would hesitate before jeopardizing a relationship with a very close friend. I would also ask him how strongly he values his relationship with your ex. He may not be willing to jeopardize that, and if thats the case, you have your answer.

 

You may have been used, but dont fret over it, cause you used him. It was your choice to go back to his place that first night. I would just talk openly and honestly with him. Just ask him where he is at, your concerns about being used, and any other fears you may have. Talk about how stronly you each value your relationships with your ex's. Discuss what type of relationship you both want now, and what you want your relationship together to be. If you both want to go forward, I would still try to keep the sex out of it for a bit to know for sure, as you both have been in long relationships, and its easy to think things are perfect, just because your now getting something similiar to what you had with your ex, rather than something better, which you would want if you were clear headed.

[sweet&simple]

Is he still pursuing his ex or is he back with her?

 

Honestly, I wouldn't say you were used.. it sounds like he let you know from the get go that it wasn't going anywhere, and you let yourself get taken away with it. Yes, he kept in contact.. but why wouldn't he? It sounds like the two of you get on as friends and if he was still getting extra perks, why would he turn them down?

[sunshine2008]

Yes they have been on and off since July. I would officially say they are an item now although they argue and are on the rocks every other week.

 

As for the relationship i have with his girlfriend: we are friends because of my ex and the OM were very good friends from school. We talked beacuse of their relationship. Now i am separated from my ex we don't have any contact or any friendship. Although i would speak and talk to her if i was out and about. (It is so horrible putting on a fake face, knowing what i have done:lmao:). I wish i could change what we had done and get rid of any sort of feeling that i have developed for him. Although every time i say this to him, he tells me he would never regret or change anything that has happened between us! I really don't this he has a consience.

[lkjh]

You have to have some self respect! You had a rebound relationship with one of your ex's friends, someone he most likely confides in. This guy probably used info he got from your ex to get in your pants and at the same time hes talking to your ex about you. Look you are the ow, if you really are a friend to this girl you should tell her what she is dating. He was most likely lying to you about their relationship. You were in a bad place and he took advantage of this but you are the one to blame for your actions.

[sunshine2008]

I agree ljhk, it was the most vunerable i have ever been. I was in such a bad way with my ex and the little bit of attention he gave i grabbed. It made me feel so much better at the time. I felt guilty/ i feel guilty when i think about it but when i was with him all my worries and pain and anger dissapeared.

 

I feel that i have lost my self respect, and i would do anything to get it back! I know that i am the only one to blame, just wish i had never been so stupid. It is really out of character for me. My ex was the only person i had every had sex with until this guy and i never in a million years thought that i would have happened so easy!

[lkjh]

well if you want your self respect back stop worrying what some guy that used you is thinking.

[lkjh]

and if you and your ex ever get back together be honest with him because I can guarantee this guy has told at least one person

[mytruelove]

came over here to have a look. i understand more of your story now. it seems like you have found some good advice over here.

 

how are you doing today?

[lkjh]

another thing, stop using this excuse that you were in a bad place when all of this started. This may be true but people are judged by what they do in these situations. You being sad does not give you the right to do such cruel things to people that are close to you

[Writer]

Please if anybody can give me advice or help i would be truely grateful, i am in such a mess!!

 

This all started May this year, i had split up with my long term boyfriend and fiance or 8 and a half years. I was on a night out withte girls when i bumped in to my ex who started having a go at me pulling me away from my friends. I got extremely upset and left to go to a pub near my house where i thought some of my other friends and family were drinking. When i arrived at the pub after a 20 min walk in the rain i didn't look the best and by that time i was very emotional. As i walked into the pub grounds one of my boyfriends friends came over to meet me, gave me a big hug and asked was i ok.

 

At the end of the night as everyone was leaving it was only me and him left in the smoking shelter outside, we talked for ages about our relationships as he had just split up with his girlfriend. When i was with my ex the four of us used to go out together so we were quite good friends. He had his car at the pub and although he had been drinking alcohol i still got in it with him to have a lift home . When we got to my house i was still very upset and i was crying, he asked me to go back to his to continue our chat, so not thinking anything into it i went with him. We continued drinking into the early hours and i ended up going to bed and having sex with him. In the morning when i woke up i couldn't believe what i had done not only to my ex, but to his ex-girlfriend. He took me home that morning and dropped me off at work where i paniced all day!! That eveneing i was on pins thinking that someone would find out and what a bad thing i had done. He called me and came to meet up with me to talk about what we had done the night before. We agreed that it was a drunken mistake and nothing was going to happen as he was going to try and get back with his girlfriend. So that was that.

 

Two days later he called me whilst i was at work, we talked as friends about all of our relationship problems and we really just gave good advice to one another. He had arged with his ex and thought it was unlikely that they would be getting back. I knew that i and my ex were over for good. I met up with him every night for the next two weeks and we talked for hours on the phone throughout the days, he made me feel so loved and so special. I felt like was 14 again, and i had butterflies in my tummy every time i heard his voice. He was such a good listener and i felt i could tell him everything. I ended up having sex with him several times after, and it made me feel so good, totally taking my mind off all of the arguements i was currently having with my ex. It was a secret, nobody knew anything and it was all so exciting.

 

He however was still in contact with his ex and he still wanted her, although he said he wanted me too he said for times sake and commitments he had to give it another go with her. I went on holidays with friends and he said that we were not going to see eachother after i returned. I dealt with this because from the beginning we said nothing could or would come out of us being together as it would be too awkward.

 

Whist i was on holidays he text and phoned me everyday, i suppose i was getting mixed messages because part of me thought he really did want me?? When i returned we met up for one last time. I was upset leaving him that night because i knew he was going back to his girlfriend. The next day in work i was very miserable, i felt lost all i wanted was for him to call or text- which he always did every hour. At the end of the day i had a huge bouquet of white roses, with love hearts and diamonds inside the roses. On the card there was a message 'keep smiling'. I went from feeling so low to up in the clouds away with the fairies again. I met him several times after this, he even took me back to his house even though i knew it was so wrong it felt so right when i was with him.

 

We see eachother regularly out and about where we live and he still calls me everyday just for a chat. He is like a best friend i tell him all my problems but i really dont understand why he can't let me go. The last time we met was in July but we still think of each other everyday. Have i been used, or did he like me? I would never want to be someones secret because i have more value for myself, that is why we ended it then. But part of me thinks do i love him? Would i want to be with him if i actually had that choice? I am so confused, please help!!! There is nobody i can talk to xxxxx

 

 

 

Well it sounds like he still wants to be with his ex. You were a victim because you were at your weakest vulnerable point he sweet talked you to bed, said it was a mistake afterwards and WANTED to get back with his ex. C'mon alchole is no excuse you both knew what you were doing. That to me is also him making you second best. If he wanted you he would have never tried with the ex at all again. he and you would have been just he and you - if he really truly wanted to be with you IT'S THAT SIMPLE. Damn, i cant believe how a vulnerable situation you were in, do you understand this?

 

Now you need to sort out all the crap with your ex. Because that has still not ended. If thats all that happened above, you were with him for 8 years, maybe your on rebound or something. But seriously yes, he seems like your friend but only wants a *#%$ when he wants to. your partly being fooled by a friend. And your falling for someone who thinks your second best. I feel for you darling very much but you will need to be strong.

 

You need to finalize your relationship with each other and decide once and for all weather you and he will be together, forever forgetting about both your X's. Its an overdue crunchtime.

 

Give yourself one week. if nothing finalizes move on. Its up to you if you still want him sexually.

 

 

 

...

[sunshine2008]

I know deep down he doesn't want me, otherwise he would have had me and he would be with me. We still talk every day, i have met up with him this week nothing happened although i know he wanted it to. I am not going to go there and give him a #*£g when he needs it because that isn't fair on anyone and it will get me even more emotionally involved. I almost feel like i need him as i tell him all my problems and he tries to fix it for me and pick me back up again. I am trying to move on and if the 'right' person comes along i will have a go. I am not going to hold on for him as it isn't going to happen.

 

I have told him about other men that are interested and want to take me out, he gets very jealous and tries to put me off. But i have learnt that he is not in the position to have those feelings is he?

 

I really need to stop having contact with him, but i do like speaking to him.

 

Thanks x