confused_and_lonely Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 I have been married for just over 14 years. We met when we were 17 and lived together for 7 years before we got married when we 24. We argued a lot when we first got together - mostly because we were immature and drank too much. The sex has never been completely fulfilling - it's good but I have never felt like I was 100% into it and there have been extended periods when I wasn't into it at all. About 6 years ago we moved to Louisiana which is about 900 miles from our home state so I could go to grad school. I ended up hating the school, the program, and just about everything about living in Louisiana. However, he found great success and could never quite get why I was so unhappy there. This led to a lot of arguments. It took years for him to finally get it. I reached a point where I just wanted out - out of Louisiana and everything in it (my job, etc.) and out of my marriage. By this point he was in agreement about getting of Louisiana, but he didn't want to end the marriage. We reconciled and he said he'd change (there are a lot of minor issues that I won't bother you with here, but basically our relationship has always been plagued by them and I've never been truly happy with it) and we concluded that we both wanted out of Louisiana but not the marriage - we'd give it another chance. I started looking for a job in yet another state - California which is about 2000 miles from the last one - and found the job of my dreams and moved out here. We figured I could get a job out here and get a foot in the door and once the house sold (which should have been pretty quick given the market at the time but it took a major downturn as we all know now) he would move out here and get established himself. Well, it's been about 10 months and the house hasn't sold yet and he's still living there. We see each other about every month and half but talk on the phone daily. Since moving to California I have become a completely different person. Living apart from him I have been able to really find myself. I love him and I miss him but it's more like loving and missing my best friend in the world. I don't feel attracted to him anymore, he doesn't turn me on sexually, and I feel happier on my own than in my marriage. I find myself longing for human interactions mostly because I'm lonely - it's hard to make friends at my age (early 30s) in a new place. And I find myself attracted to men that are nothing like my husband. I really want to go out and socialize and meet people - especially another man. This is so terrible to read as I write this but it's true. I could never share this with anyone I know - not even my mom or sister. I really want a divorce but I can't imagine asking for one - it would break my husband's heart to say the least. I don't know what to do...
Geishawhelk Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 Ok. It comes down to a plain and simple choice: Leave the marriage, break his heart but give you both the time and space to mend, move on and enjoy life? Stay where you are, he in blissful ignorance, you in misery and frustration, and potentially live out the rest of your days in a saddened existence? back atcha....
moonmosaic Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 I agree with geishawhelk. It seems like that you are worried about getting away from the comfort zone of your marriage. Better to try to live the life you are craving for and perhaps make mistakes than to spend the rest of your life wondering with "If only's".
2sure Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 ... The sex has never been completely fulfilling - it's good but I have never felt like I was 100% into it... ....I ended up hating the school, the program, and just about everything about living in Louisiana. .. ...our relationship has always been plagued by them and I've never been truly happy with it) You say several times that you've never been happy and content with major aspects of your 14 year married life. You explain that your husband has twice now agreed to move his life in an effort to make you happy. While I was reading your post, I thought maybe you were just one of those people that is never truly happy. But then I read on. You are happy now. Your husband uprooting his life, his job, etc. in a place where he is comfortable when you know you are happier without him....just isnt fair. You dont want to break his heart by divorcing him. You are slowly and systematically doing this to him anyway. Let him move on - he deserves the right to be happy with a happy partner. And so do you. You also mention you have not been able to even voice these feelings to those close to you. This is obviously very hard for you. It kind of sounds like if you really love him, you may have to hurt him now and let him go. The house not selling, he being successful where he is....sometimes fate points us in the right direction - but the hard work is still yours.
Author confused_and_lonely Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 2sure: I have never been truly happy - I have been generally happy and I love my husband a lot, but I've just never felt 100% happy in our marriage. He did uproot his life for the move to Louisiana, but California was a mutual decision driven by his need to be in a major city (in this case L.A.) and the fact that he is unhappy in Louisiana as well. He found success there, but it's the kind you can take with you to a better place. As much as I like living in California now, I could've found a job anywhere and California was a compromise that we made. Geishawhelk and moonmosaic: The choice seems simple enough, but I really do love him and he really loves me. And he's not totally in blissful ignorance - I have told him I wanted a divorce before and he promised he'd change if I gave it another shot. When I wrote this post it was the first time I ever put these thoughts that I've obviously been having for years into written form. It's hard for me to even acknowledge to myself that I feel this way - let alone him. I keep asking myself if I'm just being selfish and that we technically have a good marriage and should stay together. But then I think about how we were so young when we met and we've both changed so much since then and I seriously think we may have grown apart as people. Living apart for 10 months has shown me that, but I wonder if things will be better when the house sells and he moves out here? And more than anything, I feel guilty for some reason. He's happy with our marriage and he really has made a big effort to address some of the problems we were having because of some of his issues (as have I for my share of the issues). Yet I'm still not happy in the marriage. So if I ask for a divorce it'll be good for me but not him (of course we'd both suffer emotionally, but it would be me breaking up with him for seemingly better things). Plus I don't think he would do very well on his own because I've always managed the household and kept us organized and he depends on me for advice and support. And no, this isn't a codependency issue - I'm being sincere when I express concern over his inability to manage a household on his own. Sure he would figure it out if we got a divorce, but I would feel really bad because I know he would struggle...and I don't want to feel bad. I think I should wait until he moves out here and see how things go. I'll keep living my life like I am now and if he likes the new me and can live the lifestyle I'm wanting to live then maybe we'll be better than ever. If not, then we'll mutually get a divorce and go our separate way as friends. Or if he comes out here and the new happy me suddenly becomes unhappy again I'll know it's just not going to work and I will have to make the not-so-plain and not-so-simple choice and ask him for a divorce.
2sunny Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 I think I should wait until he moves out here and see how things go. I'll keep living my life like I am now and if he likes the new me and can live the lifestyle I'm wanting to live then maybe we'll be better than ever. If not, then we'll mutually get a divorce and go our separate way as friends. Or if he comes out here and the new happy me suddenly becomes unhappy again I'll know it's just not going to work and I will have to make the not-so-plain and not-so-simple choice and ask him for a divorce. what new you and new lifestyle are you expecting to spring on him? why not give him advance notice of what your expectations are so he can make an educated decision before changing the other areas of HIS life. he may decide to stay put. if you have been away for 10 months - you are assuming that he hasn't found other things and people that he's interested in while you've been away. most likely - he has... most men don't sit around waiting for a gal to decide when the time is right to spend time with them or make an effort for his happiness. i'm sure he sees the last several years of life with you as "it's all about how to make her happy" and i'm sure he feels that he's failed. that is not a good place to take any man -ever. he deserves better and you know it. cut him loose and allow him time while he's still young to find someone that can share a super happy life with him - that will make their life more about him than you ever did. you can still be his friend if he will let you. you didn't mention kids... hopefully if you don't have any now - you won't consider that for at least several more years.
imagine Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 Quite frankly, this sounds as though you have your eye on someone specific but just can't get enough solid motivation that would entitle you to have the affair. Girl. anywhere or anywho you go to, marriage IS work.
dannydrifter Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 This is so terrible to read as I write this but it's true. I could never share this with anyone I know - not even my mom or sister. I really want a divorce but I can't imagine asking for one - it would break my husband's heart to say the least. I don't know what to do... Well here's what I think you should do (one of the following). 1. Tell your husband all this, break his heart, and file for divorce. Put your own feelings ahead of everything else, and disregard how he feels. This will help you to move on and become the person you want. 2. Forgive your husband of his past, try to love him, and have a family with him. Re-read your wedding vows, and act on them. Remind yourself that being "divorced" will not make you as attractive to other men, and that it is not easy to meet another man, especially one that can be your husband. To expand on point #2, you married the guy so there must be things you like about him. Marriage is hard work, it isn't a fairy tale like the cindarella story. There are things you won't like about your spouse. I am sure there are things he doesn't like about you (unless you are perfect, then I retract that statement!).
desertfire Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 I am very much in the same boat... I am in the same position with respect to my wife... we have been married for 10 years... and I have realized that I have been generally happy with her, not 100% outright, but at least 80%... (if that can be even quantified). The conflicts kept adding up over time, albeit small ones, and I kept changing to accommodate her, but she left me a year ago and we have been trying to reconcile for the past few months and I have found it difficult to rekindle things because of the incomplete happiness I had... sounds harsh.. and I too am in the same position of being unable to voice my feelings to those closest to me because I have gotten biased opinions from some. I am definitely still in love with her, and know that we can have a generally happy life together.. perhaps not the most exciting, but definitely a good one. We are currently at the state where she knows I am at least 15% on the fence, and she completely understands that I need to do what is best for me and makes me happy.. I have found that the hesitation of breaking away stems from the knowing there isn't a valid reason to break.. sort of a guilt. Things are a little different nmy case because I have a son with her and am strongly inclined to let go of my need to break away because he is adorable.. but on the other hand, I do not want to spend a life with her on a false premise of being happy.... I am torn as to whether pursu my own happiness, or to dedicate myself to an acceptable happiness... It is a dilemna.. but there is light somewhere at the end of this tunnel
Author confused_and_lonely Posted October 9, 2008 Author Posted October 9, 2008 Update: I addressed individual comments below - thank you all for your advice, I really think discussing this like this has helped me face it. I have a general update. I called my husband tonight when I got home and we were talking about taking the house off the market and renting it so he can move out here sooner. I don't know how or why but the moment was right and I told him that I had a lingering fear that we may have grown apart and that living apart for this long may have made it even more apparent. [i mentioned in my original post that I had asked him for a divorce before - it was actually right before I moved out to California. Things had gotten so bad in Louisiana and between us that I wanted out of everything and that included my marriage. When I moved out here we talked about the fact that it was like a pseudo-separation and it would either bring us closer together or be the end of us. Well I think it did both.] Anyway, I told him that I was having these fears and he said he understood and we'd have to cross that bridge when we came to it. WOW! Not the response I was expecting! So I guess that's it - he'll move out here and we'll see how it goes and if it doesn't go well then we're both on the same page about a mutual split and leaving things as friends. 2sunny: Maybe "new me and new lifestyle" isn't an accurate description of what I'm talking about - what I mean is that I'm still me but just more so. I think being in a relationship that wasn't really fulfilling affected my self esteem. Now that it's just me I've rediscovered who "me" really was...and still is, much to my surprise. And it's not like we never see each other either and we talk every day at least twice, so there aren't any surprises here. imagine: I don't have my eye on anyone in particular, but I do have my eye on the idea of a relationship that makes me happy and I find my eyes wandering a lot more than than would if I were content in my current relationship. dannydrifter: I don't think asking for a divorce is necessarily putting my feelings ahead of everyone else's. If I'm not happy then how can I give 100% to this marriage? And if I can't give 100%, then is it fair to my husband? desertfire: I understand what you mean about the guilt and that it may stem from not having a valid reason to break up. I love my husband and he loves me, he's a great guy, we've been through thick and thin together, and as perfect as a marriage as that sounds there's just something missing. I don't have any kids though and that's an added complication for you. Obviously I don't have any good advice to share because I'm really torn right now.
sunshinegirl Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 Maybe you should see a counselor to see what's at the root of your underlying unhappiness...? You're attributing it to your marriage but maybe it's something else.
dannydrifter Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 dannydrifter: I don't think asking for a divorce is necessarily putting my feelings ahead of everyone else's. If I'm not happy then how can I give 100% to this marriage? And if I can't give 100%, then is it fair to my husband? First of all, it's good to hear you and your H will try to work on things and see how it goes. In response to your point above - you should find out why you are not happy and keep in mind, you don't have to give 100%. When you wrote tests in college, was it necessary to score 100% every time? Just do your best. And nobody is truly "happy" in this world. Try to be realistic and if yo uare happy more often than not, you are still doing well. Life is full of obstacles, worries and stresses. Everyone deals with that. No matter what other man you find, you will never be truly truly happy unless of course we transform ourselves into cartoon characters and live in walt disney world.
imagine Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 Please google "marriage builders" and read the articles. Free site. You won't regret it. LOL! Money back guarantee.
seibert253 Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 So many people nowadays just seem to miss the point. I distinctly remember reciting "for better, for worse, for richer for poorer, and in sickness and in health, till death do us part". NONE of us are perfect and we think because we're not 100% satisfied with our spouse, or our marriage situation, it's OK to dismiss what we promised the "love of our life". Not to mention if you're a religious person, our promise before God. What I've seen, most marriages end because of selfishness on one or both parties. Marriage IS about commitment and compromise, and after time it's easy to lose sight of this.
dannydrifter Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 So many people nowadays just seem to miss the point. I distinctly remember reciting "for better, for worse, for richer for poorer, and in sickness and in health, till death do us part". NONE of us are perfect and we think because we're not 100% satisfied with our spouse, or our marriage situation, it's OK to dismiss what we promised the "love of our life". Not to mention if you're a religious person, our promise before God. What I've seen, most marriages end because of selfishness on one or both parties. Marriage IS about commitment and compromise, and after time it's easy to lose sight of this. Very well said.
desertfire Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I think what seibert says is right on the money.... But what about broken trust.. and the idea that perhaps you will not be able to patch things up ? I know that if there is a will there is a way, but I can't help but think about the fear of ending up in the same situation again.. our break was devastating to me, and I can't go through it again... I know there's nothing to say that I wouldn't end up with a break with anyone else, and that it is definitely a plus to place that "relationship" effort into someone you already know and knows you, but it is a lingering feeling... Any ideas?
Author confused_and_lonely Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 I think the reason I've stayed with my husband for all these years in spite of all the problems and getting to the point where I asked for a divorce on several occasions was in some part because we had already invested so much time and effort into the relationship that it seemed easier just to stick it out and try to make it work. Of course that makes total sense because if you're invested in someone you have good reason to stand by them during tough times, but at some point when the not-so-tough times become few and far between it may not be so wise to stick it out anymore. I finally talked to my mom tonight about this issue. She said she was surprised that she and I hadn't had this conversation sooner - I'm wondering how obvious my failed marriage is to others? I think me and my husband have been in denial for a long time. Anyway, I think it'll be for the best if we get a divorce and separate as friends. We've really been living as friends anyway for a long time, and us living apart for 10 months has actually strengthened our friendship - not our marriage. I think if we stick it out to the bitter end it'll be just that - a bitter end - whereas now we can part as friends and maintain a really great friendship. As for wedding vows, I think we would be doing a better job carrying out our commitment to each other as friends than we are right now. I'm not happy with our marriage and I really don't think he is either. The more I think about how different I've become since moving out here the more I realize that he too has changed for the better. I hope I'm right...
Sks Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 You are going to end up getting in bed with another guy while your husband is in Louisiana, unless he comes out soon..........
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